Of Breakable Things (33 page)

“I wouldn’t put myself through this if it wasn’t worth it.” He reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind Alex’s ear. His fingers lingered there. “I never thought Jonas was capable of real feelings at all. I guess time can change things.”

“Or death.”

“Does that make me a bad person?” He lifted the glass and downed the contents, wincing. “Shouldn’t I want my brother to be happy?”

Alex repeated the words that Gabe had said to her the day she died. “Have you ever known Jonas to be truly happy?”

They were quiet for a few minutes, allowing Stauffer to fill their glasses.

“Have you been happy?” Chase asked. “After all this. Did I just make things more difficult? Do I now?”

Happy. She considered the meaning of the word. “If you’d felt the same or if you hadn’t, if we’d died, and if we hadn’t, I would have been in love with you anyway. Nothing could have changed it.”

She couldn’t believe she’d said it. She’d actually allowed the word ‘love’ to leave her lips, to dance across the space between she and Chase and land on his own lips as he repeated it.

He reached out and held her arm gently.

“What?”

He didn’t answer. Instead he leaned toward her, and she felt a sensation in her stomach like she was about to leap from a twenty-story building. Like she was about to fall. He was going to kiss her. She’d wished for it, prayed for it, dreamed of it for so long that she could barely stand it. The feeling lifted her up, twirled her around, and placed her right back on that stool. It was the most wonderful euphoria, and in that split second, whether it struck her from his mind or hers, fear engulfed her. For the first time, she realized perhaps why he refused to kiss her. They couldn’t go back after they fell. The overwhelming intensity of their friendship would only deepen. And part of her hoped he
wouldn't
kiss her now. Not yet. Not while things were perfect as is. His lips passed hers and kept going, grazing her ear, leaving her with nothing but her dizziness.

“I love you.” His voice danced against her. “There was never a time when I didn’t love you.”

She knew that. She’d always known.

“Let’s go home.” Chase smiled, holding her face in his hands.

“You just called this place home.”

Chase slid off his stool and slung his arm over her shoulders. “Home is wherever you are, Al.”

Who would have thought the holidays would be better dead? In life, Alex never had the Christmas morning she’d longed for—the breakfast, the stockings, the tree. She’d always woken up early to eat stale Corn Pops at a dirty kitchen table while she watched the parade alone and waited for the Lasalles to invite her next door.

In Eidolon, the celebration of the winter solstice meant carolers, the Ex House version of eggnog, cozy fires, and preparations for another Lazuli Street festival. On the morning of the twenty-first, Alex awoke to the sugary aroma of hot chocolate flavored Ex wafting from the vestibule. Above the balconies, words drifted through the air:
Here’s to the solstice, rebirth, and new beginnings.
It was a much different holiday welcome than the rancid scent of her father’s whiskey sweat and the sound of his drunken snores.

Outside her door, Alex found a heap of presents. The previous night, she’d made her rounds, hoping she was leaving gifts on the appropriate doorsteps, since of course there were no doors. Something told her the presents would end up in the right place even if she made a mistake. The building would see to it.

From Jack, she received a book entitled
How to Use Your New Mind Effectively: A Spirit’s Guide to Success
. She wondered if self-help books were as popular in death as they were in life. Skye deemed the book to be “overly anxious,” whatever that meant.

Skye’s present to Alex had been a very poorly wrapped lump. She complained for weeks that she’d never gift-wrapped anything in her life because her colony didn’t believe in it, and she didn’t understand the purpose of doing so now. The box was filled with anise seeds and a note instructing Alex to place half of them under her pillow to keep away nightmares. The rest of the seeds were to be planted because the leaves warded off evil. Alex was starting to think that Skye’s superstitions were out of control.

From Gabe, she received a device to transcribe her notes. Kaleb gave her a rulebook about Invisiball games. He’d scribbled a note that she needed to learn how to play since she wasn’t the “crippled girl on the sidelines” anymore. And from Jonas, she found a small box that housed a blue and black butterfly. She touched the wings gingerly, surprised to find the creature was made of something hard and resilient. It sprung from the box and circled the room three times before perching on the tip of her clock. Its wings slowly fluttered up and down in rhythm to what should have been the ticks of the silent clock. The gift she saved for last was from Chase. He had explained that due to his prior record, he needed quite a bit of help obtaining the gift, which had made her furious with curiosity. She ripped through the paper impatiently, and when she saw what was hidden inside, she realized that she had been missing something with all of her heart.

Though she and Chase had been in hundreds of photographs together, Chase had gone back for their first. Alex had kept the picture in her bedroom in Parrish Park, so there was no telling how Chase could have retrieved it. It was a black-and-white of her mother and Danya, two swollen pregnant ladies standing belly to belly. Danya clutched the arm of someone who was squirming to get away, out of the frame. Alex figured the arm belonged to Jonas, since tiny, devious versions of Gabe and Kaleb were in the background stuffing their fingers into a large cake. On Erin’s face was a coy half smile like she had a secret. Her arms cradled her belly like Alex was her greatest treasure.

Holding the picture, Alex with filled with an oddly comforting sensation. The safety of a mother’s arms.

Things became quiet in the months following the solstice. Alex and Chase continued their tango of indecision, holding back because of fear. Sometimes, though, it seemed that he couldn’t help himself, and he’d reach over and grab her hand, interlacing his fingers with hers and holding it over his heart while they walked.

Jonas was like smoke, less visible with each passing day. Alex was starting to believe that Gabe was right. Because of his preoccupation, Jonas wasn’t so concerned with Alex anymore. She kept her promise to Gabe and continued to keep quiet about Jonas’s recruitment despite the tugging at her conscience.

At first she checked Eviar’s letters for new ink every day, but come spring, there was still nothing. Alex lost interest and the box sulked in the corner of her room, swallowing dust bunnies like a frog catching flies.

For the most part, death was peaceful. Chase called it normal; Alex called it unnerving. The calm before the storm.

On a night when the world felt heavy, Alex spent hours in study hall. Although it had been months since her arrival, she still played catch-up in some areas. She probably would have passed out face down in her books if Chase hadn’t come to find her. He gathered her belongings in his arms, and they exited the Hall.

“I think you overdid it,” Chase mused, eyeing her weary face. “Do you need me to carry you, too?”

Alex pretended to think this over. When he stepped forward and readied himself to scoop her up, she laughed and backed away. “You don’t have to carry my books, Chase.”

“I think I can handle it.” But then, the thick text on the top of the pile slid to the ground. “Whoops.” He bent down the retrieve it at the exact same time Alex did, and they collided. Everything in his arms tumbled down.

Alex gave up and collapsed into the mess. “Maybe I’ll just sleep here with my books.”

He stared at her for so long she waved a hand in front of his face. “I love that smile,” he murmured.

She spoke without thinking. “That’s because it’s yours.” He began to shake his head, but she kept going. “I don’t know why you think you’ve done wrong by me.”

“Maybe I kept you from living the way you wanted to.”

“No. When I was with you, I was living exactly the way I wanted to.”

Chase held out his hand and lifted Alex to her feet. He pulled with unnecessary vigor, and she found herself pressed against him nose to nose. A breath caught in her throat as she realized the moment was absolutely perfect. She waited for him to pull away since they were in the middle of the hallway, but before she knew what was happening, he had tilted his head to the side and ever so softly, his lips brushed against hers, asking for permission. She nodded her assent, and he hesitated long enough to grin before giving in.

And then he kissed her.

Finally.
Finally
. She melted into him, pressing her lips against his, opening her mouth to swallow the happiness which inevitably consumed her. Their lips, their heads, their hands moved in faultless rhythm like a choreographed dance. She could feel his fingers combing through her hair, and she looped her arms underneath his, clutching his shoulders. How could they have been afraid of this?

The space around them began to crack and sizzle. Chase lifted his head for a moment, but Alex yanked at his shirt to pull him back in. Nothing had ever felt so right to her in her entire life. It was like nothing around them existed anymore. It was just Chase and Alex together, as it should be, and the world could wait.

The moment was interrupted by a loud
thud
from above them. Alex’s eyes flickered upward. “Wha—” Chase shushed her and cradled her face in his hands, allowing their lips to tangle again until a series of thumps thundered over their heads. They broke apart.

“Wait here,” Chase said. He softly kissed her nose and made his way up the staircase. He stopped halfway to look around.

Alex leaned against a pilaster. “Do you see—”

“Shhh.” He held a finger to his lips, his head cocked. And then Alex heard it too. It was a muffled whimper. “Hello?”

“Chaaaase.” The long wail echoed off the walls.

“Jonas?” Chase bellowed. He took off, flying up the staircase until he remembered he could think himself to the top.

Alex began to panic. Had Jonas seen them over the railing? Had he fallen in surprise? Thrown something in anger?

She tried to flicker and project herself to the top of the stairway, but she couldn’t concentrate. When she reached the third floor, Chase was huddled next to two crumpled figures outside Van Hanlin’s classroom. One was cradling the other, rocking back and forth. Jonas. He was holding someone with a head of curly blonde hair.

“What happened?” Chase demanded.

Jonas’s face was etched in agony. “He followed me. I didn’t know!”

Gabe’s head lolled back and smacked against the floor. His mouth hung open like the hinges of his jaw were broken.

“Gabe?” Chase cried. “Gabe?”

But his brother didn’t stir.

“What’s all over his face?” Alex’s terrified voice was barely above a whisper. Streaks of grayish-black whiplashes indented Gabe’s temple, cheek, and neck. Alex had seen similar markings before, though they were fainter and weathered, when Professor Darby had lifted the sleeves of his shirt.

Alex didn’t need to wait for an answer. “Did it scream?” she asked in horror. Chase gasped.

“No,” Jonas wailed. “It was bound when they brought it to us.”

“Brought it to you?” Chase exclaimed.

Battle the insane
. Whoever was in charge of this “harmless” group had brought the banshee to the recruits.

“Why isn’t he conscious?”

“He was beaten. We need to go back. He wasn’t the only one.”

“Who else?”

Jonas shook uncontrollably. “P-Professor Van Hanlin.”

For a moment no one moved. Alex couldn’t feel anything. She was weightless, treading on a breeze of foreboding.

“They needed to weaken the banshee, so … ”

“So, what?” Chase was looking between Alex and Jonas, flabbergasted. “Why would anyone mess with a banshee?”

“So others could fight it,” Alex whispered.

Jonas’s face showed no expression, no shame that Alex knew where he’d been and what he’d been up to. It made her feel disgusted.

Chase was shaking his head in confusion. “Van Hanlin had you fight it?”

“No,” Jonas snapped. “He was attacked!”

“Where were you?”

“Home. Gabe must have followed me. I didn’t know where I was going. I was just told to take the emergency exit out of the city.”

“What emergency exit?”

“There. In the corner past Van Hanlin’s classroom. You have to want to see it to actually find it.”

Alex blinked, and a stairway appeared in the wall. It twisted upward like the ramp in the vestibule.

“We weren’t supposed to know where we were going. There were others there, and I couldn’t see anyone else besides Van Hanlin and Gabe, but I recognized the woods. It was home. Parrish home.”

Chase pried Jonas away from Gabe. “Alex, go tell someone about this,” he commanded, hoisting Gabe into the air. “We need to go to the medical center. Try not to jostle him too much, Jonas!”

But Jonas couldn’t stop shaking.