Odd Girl Out (39 page)

Suzanne Cohen had always struggled to separate her feelings from her daughter's, but when Hannah's torment began, her sense of helplessness nearly broke her. "I didn't know where [my feelings] left off and hers began and vice versa," she told me. With the help of a therapist, she learned that she could not live vicariously through her daughter, and that her behavior suggested to Hannah a need to be parented by her. "I wanted to be able to make it right," she said, but "at a certain point I kind of realized that it's not about anyone doing anything other than just listening. [I had to] give her the shoulder, let her vent, let her get it out of her system, because I am a mother, and then not respond to that in anything but a loving way, and not make it my battle." Eventually Suzanne learned how to play a role in her daughter's experience that would both honor her child's circumstances and give herself a sense of agency. It was harder than you think, she said, to do it.

Have your emotions, it has been said, or they will have you. To avoid losing yourself in your daughter's feelings, reflect on your own. Like the mothers in chapter nine, most parents bring as much to the bullying situation as their daughters. Your response to your daughter will bear the imprint of your priorities, your fears, your childhood. Ask yourself some of the following questions:

• What was the hardest part about my experiences with peers growing up? How might that influence the way I am responding right now?
  
• What am I most afraid of in this situation? How reasonable is my fear? How might this fear be guiding my response? Is operating from this place allowing me to parent effectively?
  
• If my best friend was parenting through this experience, what advice would I give him or her?
  

Knowing how you feel will anchor you. If you know you are angry, or scared, you will be more in control and reflective about your impulses—and less likely to act on the more destructive ones without thinking clearly. If you know where your feelings come from, you will be more thoughtful about your decisions.

To help you achieve the right balance in how you respond to your daughter, think back to when she was learning to walk. If you showed fear and panic when she slipped and fell, she'd usually sense it and wail. If you chortled, "Oops! You're okay! Up you go!" and plucked her up calmly, she probably kept on trucking. It was a combination of concern and reassurance that motivated her to continue. This is what she needs from you now. Kim Kaminski, a veteran school counselor, urges parents to rise above their alarm and be the rock for their daughters. "The parent has to be the parent and say, 'I am here for you, I am going to help you, and I know you can do this. We will find a way together.'" When a girl does not believe in herself, or think that a situation can improve, a parent's strength is hugely reassuring. Your courage will sustain her when she cannot ac- cess any on her own.

It takes spiritual brawn to carry someone through a time of pain and suffering. You need to take care of yourself, too. Call on the resources around you to be good to yourself, whether it's with exercise, friends, counseling, meditation, or cheesecake. Your success as a parent is not measured by how little you need to survive. You cannot care for others when you are diminished.

Keep in mind that empathy is conveyed through actions as well as words. Ask yourself and your child how you can make her life easier at school and home. Cover all the bases of your child's day and see where you can lighten her load. Find out what she's doing at lunch and recess: If she's alone, where is she? Would it be possible to arrange for her to go to the library or art room or gym twice a week? It's not a permanent solution, nor should she make a habit of escaping every single day, but if she is truly suffering, perhaps you can find her some space to breathe.

Are there any other friends she can play with during the day? Encourage her to join their lunch table or group at recess. If you have good friends with children your daughter can play with, talk with them about it. Be careful: avoid the appearance of trying to force your daughter into friendship with another girl. Be sure to communicate with the parent about the potential for a good fit with her child. Never assume it's another child's responsibility to help your daughter, no matter how dire your child's straits. To encourage the other child to exercise compassion at the expense of her own social needs would be to reinforce the message that care and self-sacrifice are her priority. At the end of the day, the decision should lie with the two children.

 

why girls don't tell their parents

Ten minutes before the last bell, and I was winding up my discussion with ninth-grade girls at Linden. Papers were rustling like leaves, bodies were starting to wriggle and fidget. "Okay!" I said, a little louder than I meant to. "One more question." I asked them if they talk to their parents about bullying, or when a girl is mean to them.

A ripple of "No way!" and "Yeah, right" crested through the room, followed by snorts, muttering, and one girl spitting up her soda.

"Right," I said coolly, trying to look unfazed. "Why? Really," I said cheerfully. "Come on, you guys."

Mollie piped up, "You can disappoint your parents if you're not friends with everyone."

"You don't want your parents to think badly of your friend because you'd get over it," Lydia added. "You want to stand up for your friend because they reflect you."

"Oh yeah!" Reena cackled. "My mother will go, 'I never liked that friend of yours anyway!'"

"Totally," murmured a voice in the corner.

"My mom's a dork. She says, 'Oh, I'll be your friend,'" Lauren said.

"I don't want to tell her if she thinks I'm wrong. If she's not on my side, it's like I failed and it's terrible because your parents are supposed to be on your side."

"I don't want my friends
and
my parents against me."

And on and on.

Most girls don't tell their parents what's going on in a bullying situation. That's not a sex difference, either; bullying is a deeply humiliating experience for every child. Since alternative aggressions lack a public identity, however, the burden of silence may be heavier. Some girls may not be able to identify what they're experiencing as wrong or punishable. Instead, they may internalize the problem as their fault and never speak of it.

A child might also feel that since there are no rules prohibiting the behavior, and so much of it slips beneath the radar of teachers, that it's somehow not worth mentioning or pursuing. Faith, an eighthgrade teacher in Ridgewood who as a student attempted suicide when her friends abandoned her, was too embarrassed to tell her mother what was happening. "I didn't think my mama had went through all this because she never told me about any of it. I didn't want her to know all this because it was really embarrassing telling your mom that a girl was picking on you and bullying you and stuff."

Talking with your children about alternative aggressions is absolutely critical. If you indicate to your child in a nonjudgmental way that you know what goes on at school—that on some level you "get" the hidden culture of girls' aggression—she will feel safe showing you its darkest corners. Be casual: Do it in the car on the way home, in the kitchen before a meal, or during a commercial while watching television. Asking leading questions can help:

• When girls are mean in your class, what kinds of things do they do?
  
• Does the teacher see it when it's happening? Why or why not? How does she react?
  
• Are some girls more secretive about their meanness? How?
  
• Can friends be mean to each other? How?
  

It helps to introduce your questions in the third person. It will give your child the chance to acclimate to talking with you about it.

Girls are socialized to care for others, so they often hold their feelings in to shield others from the weight of their pain—hence the spike in depression, self-mutilation, and anorexia that can accompany the loss of self-esteem around adolescence. Stephanie, whose silence left an ulcer in her stomach, explained, "I didn't want [my parents] to worry more. I didn't want them to think that I was a freak who couldn't, like, make the grade."

Once I got them going, the over three hundred girls I met individually and in groups spoke passionately about what their parents did wrong when it came to helping them. Here are some of the most common responses of parents to their daughters' ordeals, followed by what many girls say they'd prefer (with my own two cents thrown in for good measure).

 

fault lines: what not to say

WRONG:
"
It's a phase
" or "
It happens to everyone, honey.
"

This remark is meant to soothe, but it ends up trivializing your daughter's pain. It says, "You're a dime a dozen," when she feels just the opposite—that her pain is the worst she's ever felt, that she is surely the first to feel it this intensely, that she is the only one who's ever endured something so horrible. It may indeed be a phase, but she doesn't know that. This comment only underscores for her how little you get what she's dealing with.

A lot of parent-child communication surrounding bullying is like the children's game of Operator. What sounds like "It happens to everyone" out of your mouth might sound like "It happens to losers like you" in her ears. One of the most common reasons girls don't tell is because of the shame they feel for failing to perform socially. If girls' social identities are built on their relational skills, isolation is a disaster. The feeling of failure is only increased by comments that trivialize what they're going through.

 

BETTER:
"
Oh, honey. That is so terrible. I'm sorry.
"

Honor your child's pain as though she were the first to experience it. At the same time, tell her about alternative aggressions. As many parents are well aware, you can tell your child something and she'll turn up her nose, and when she hears it from someone else, she'll nod effusively. Explain what researchers have found. Explain that she is not alone.

 

ADD:
"
It happened to me.
"

Did it? Can you remember? If you can connect to the feelings you had as an adolescent, your daughter is far more likely to keep listeing and believe you. But don't overdo it: some kids told me they hated it when their mothers insisted they knew exactly how they were feeling. "My mother says, 'I know how you feel,' but she doesn't," they said. "Things are different now." This is especially true in the age of cyberbullying. If you did not grow up in a world where aggression was unleashed at the speed of a text or e-mail, there is indeed a gulf between you and your daughter's childhood experiences.

 

WRONG:
"
I never liked that friend of yours anyway.
" Also known as "
Why are you hanging out with her/them to begin with?
" and "
How many times do I have to tell you [fill in the blank]?
"

 

Ever date someone your friends didn't like? Remember when they told you how wrong the person was for you? Did you say, "Oh, that's
right
! Thank you
so
much!" and dump him? The same is true for your daughter. Sure, she's hanging out with girls you may think are terrible, but she's not going to figure it out until she's ready, and you may have little to do with it when she does. At this point, it's wise to remember girls' fear of relational loss and that your child is probably looking for a way to heal the relationship, not to end it.

On-again, off-again friendships can drive parents insane, and rightly so. Depending on the day, your daughter is either thrilled or tortured, and you are a mostly helpless passenger on her roller coaster ride. Become too angry or frustrated, and your daughter may begin hiding what's happening. If she disconnects, she is that much more vulnerable.

 

BETTER:
Take a deep breath, and try to walk the line between responding as a parent and as a friend: as a parent, you have the right to convey your unhappiness about the way your daughter is being treated, and to weigh in about what a healthy friendship looks like. At the same time, to avoid alienating your daughter, exercise caution with your judgment as a friend might. At a certain point, girls may choose toxic friends over their disapproving parents. Remember: you want her to stay connected to you.

Sometimes, the most you can do is ask questions that push her to reflect on her toxic relationship. Try some of these:

• What are you looking for in a good friend? Does this person give you that?
  
• Why do you think you are staying friends with someone who makes you feel this way?
  
• When you allow her to [refer to a specific act], what message are you sending her about yourself?
  
• When she [refer to a specific act], what message is she sending you about the kind of friend she is?
  

Keep in mind that at some point, your daughter will outgrow this friendship, or the other girl will simply move on. As with all painful relationships, your daughter will come away with a powerful life lesson about friendship and intimacy. This is not much consolation right now, I know, but trust me that it will not be this way forever.

 

WRONG:
"
What could you be doing to cause this?
"

If your daughter is being bullied or cast out of her social group, it is highly unlikely that anything she does or changes about herself is going to make a difference. There's often no rhyme or reason to the moment a girl or clique finally decides to get angry or even. If there is, it's usually not traceable to any one person's fault. Moreover, your daughter is probably already cataloging her faults with the efficiency of a computer. No matter what your intention, we have the Operator problem again. You say, "What can you change about yourself?" She hears, "My mother thinks it's my fault and there's something wrong with me."

Naomi believes her mother's interpretation of her problem as a social-skills issue left a second scar. "I wanted her to be a mother lion and protect me, to treat me as endangered and not as a kid with problems. I wanted her to see a greater, more immediate danger." She needed her mother to defend her, not question her. It's okay to ask for your daughter's contribution to a situation, but tread lightly. It should not rank in the first five of the questions you ask her when she tells you about the problem.