Obsession (Year of Fire) (37 page)

“Because my father wanted me to, my aunt Enriqueta too. I already told you, plus…well…because I thought that no one else would have me.” After this assertion, Eliah raised his eyebrows and frowned. “He was so in love. I had never loved anyone. I didn’t really know how it felt. It was all a big mess!” she exclaimed, in a strangled, almost desperate voice.

“Calm down,” he whispered above her forehead, blowing on her eyelids and giving her little kisses.

“We got married and went on our honeymoon.” She shook her head, her eyes still closed. “I don’t want to think about those days. They were terrible. I cried every day and Roy was in an awful mood. I couldn’t accept him, I couldn’t bear the idea of him…”

“Penetrating you,” Al-Saud completed. “If you want to get over the fear, my love, it would be better if you start talking about sex as a natural act, because it is. Is there anything more natural than the way humans procreate?”

“My psychiatrist says the same thing, but the fear is irrational, Eliah, there’s no explanation. And it’s powerful, as powerful as what I feel for you. I think that’s why…I’m so scared!”

“What happened with your ex-husband?”

“We tried for months. I don’t want to remember it, please.”

“No, no, no details, just the facts.”

“I begged him to go to couples therapy to work through the problem, but he refused. He’s a very reserved, suspicious man. And he doesn’t think much of psychiatry. So our pathetic married life continued without intimacy. And I would retreat further and further and he would become more and more aggressive. I started therapy with a psychiatrist, who explained to me why I’m like this, the origins of my trauma. My education, the dysfunctional family I come from and my experiences conspired to make me a damaged woman.”

“Never say that again!” Eliah was upset by what she was saying, and Matilde started to sob. “You’re not a damaged woman. Matilde, my love, there’s nothing bad in you, believe me. Every time I have you in my arms, I feel your womanhood. Your body vibrates with desire for me and that makes me happy. Matilde, Matilde,” he whispered, overwhelmed by her pain, crushed by his impotence.

“I hurt Roy a lot and he hurt me. One night…” From the inflection in her voice, Eliah knew she was talking about something he didn’t want to hear. “One night he came home drunk and insane with rage. He had been with his cousin Guillermo, who had filled his head with stupid ideas. We fought. He called me frigid, saying that I wasn’t really a woman, then told me that he was sleeping with someone else. He was like a madman and…” Though he knew what she was going to say, Eliah wanted to implore her not to. “And he raped me.”

Matilde heard Eliah’s rough, deep breath and suddenly felt herself abandoned on the divan. She opened her eyes. He had moved away and was punching the wall and cursing in his language. She understood some of the words.
Merde. Merde. Maudit. Fils de pute. Fils de pute. Fils de pute.
Al-Saud lifted his arms over his head and rested his fists on the wall. His head hung down, his chin on his chest. The muscles in his back contracted and relaxed as he breathed deeply to calm himself down. Matilde didn’t know how to proceed. She just needed him to hold her, and he seemed incapable of touching her. Rage and disgust kept them apart. She felt the urge to flee. “What a shitty night!” she lamented, depressed and devastated.

Eliah heard Matilde’s movements and turned to see her leaving the room. He strode over to her and stopped her in the hall. They looked into each other’s eyes before he enveloped her in an embrace. Matilde buried her face in his chest, and he felt her tears on his skin. It melted his heart to feel how desperately she clutched his back, like the survivor of a shipwreck clinging onto a plank in the middle of the ocean.

“Don’t reject me, Eliah, please.”

Eliah clenched his teeth so as not to bellow like a madman. She had misinterpreted him. He wasn’t rejecting her. He cradled her face in his hands and kissed her wet eyes, her red nose and her trembling lips.

“Matilde.” He loved saying her name. “My sweet Matilde.”

“I’m terrified, Eliah. But I want to be normal. I want to be a woman.”

“I’m going to help you, my love. I’ll make you mine and I’ll make you feel like a woman.”

“I want to be yours!”

For the third time that night, Eliah took her in his arms and led her to the bedroom. He lay her down on the bed, and she curled up like a
fetus. Eliah took off her shoes before curving his body around hers. He spoke softly into her ear and showed her how to breathe to ease her anxiety and stop crying. Little by little, the spasms stopped and the pressure in her diaphragm diminished.

“I never told you how I met you,” he said.

“On the plane.”

“No, I had seen you before, while you were checking in and saying good-bye to your friends. I noticed that your hair was trailing along the floor when you squatted down to get something from your backpack.”

“Really?” Matilde smiled, but Eliah, holding her from behind, couldn’t see her.

“Yes, I was staring at you like an idiot.” After a pause, he reminded her, “I once told you that there are no coincidences. That day I was supposed to go back to Paris on my plane, but a breakdown made me board your flight. I was also supposed to travel in first class, but when I saw you and Juana were sitting near me, I changed my mind. You were already next to me and I couldn’t keep my eyes off you. And all that happened so that you and I could be here tonight, in my bed.”

“And so you can cure me.”

“Yes, my love, yes. I want you to be comfortable. I’m going to take off your dress now.” Suddenly he felt her tense up. “Don’t worry. Nothing’s going to happen that you don’t want to happen. Do you trust me? I need to know.”

“Like no one else,” she affirmed.

Matilde relaxed as she felt the tickle of the zipper going down her back and the delicacy of Eliah’s hands taking off her dress.
At least
, she thought,
I’m wearing nice lingerie.

“I want to feel your skin against mine.” He spoke into her neck as he pressed his torso against Matilde’s back. “Do you like to feel me?” Matilde sighed in answer. “You’re so beautiful tonight! It hurts me that you didn’t get dressed up for me.”

“This afternoon I went to a spa with Juana. Jean-Paul arranged it for us. And while they were doing my hair and makeup, you were all I was thinking about, how much I wanted you to see me like this, so elegant with straight hair.” Matilde turned around and pressed her forehead against Eliah’s chin. “And in the morning, when I was trying on this set of lingerie and garters, I imagined you seeing me and wanting me.”

“I want you,” he said, his voice dark and thick. “So much.”

His lips wandered around Matilde’s face and he ran his hands over her back and her tiny waist. The sight of her erect nipples under the tulle of her bra tempted him, attracted him, spoiling his chaste intentions.

“I’m going to take off your…
soutien
.”

“My bra,” she laughed and then, suddenly aware of the implications, went quiet, feeling how Eliah’s fingers worked behind her back to rid her of one of her last bastions. She thought about
The Perfumed Garden
and remembered an illustration that had excited her, of a naked man and woman sitting opposite each other; he was massaging her nipples, she was caressing his penis.

“I want you to put your breasts on my chest and feel me in your nipples. Like that, very good,” he said, and Matilde looked up to see him with his eyes closed and mouth half-open, letting out a gasp. She wanted to make him happy. She reached her hand out, stroked his jaw and put her index finger in his mouth, which he sucked with relish as he grabbed her bottom and squeezed. Matilde gave a start and tensed up again.
No, no
, she urged herself.
I need to stay calm.
She distracted herself by recognizing that she was fascinated by the feeling of the hair of his torso on her nipples, which had become sensitive and taut; there was something painful about it too, just like when she was very cold.

Eliah’s cupped a hand around one of Matilde’s breasts, lowered his head and put her nipple in his mouth. At the same time, he wrapped his arm around her waist, leaving her with no room to escape. Matilde held on to Eliah’s shoulders and breathed in the way he had shown her. She was being driven crazy by the sucking of his lips and his tongue circling her aureola. Nothing had prepared her for this experience, for wanting to make love and doing it. Her body shook in his relentless embrace and little squeaks emerged from her throat, which she couldn’t drown out even though they embarrassed her. She needed him to suck the other nipple, to soothe its pain. As if he had read her mind, Eliah complied. Matilde arched and let her head fall back. She was insane with pleasure, confusion, fear and happiness. The ferocious pulsing between her legs had traveled up to her belly button and grew deeper when Eliah crushed her with his weight. Matilde’s eyelids fluttered. She felt trapped. His strength seemed infinite.

“Matilde,” he whispered to her, and they looked at each other for a few seconds before he fell onto her mouth. They kissed, mad with passion, locked in an embrace that was no longer enough. “Don’t be afraid, my love. I’m begging you, don’t be afraid.”

“No, no,” she panted, and propped herself up on her forearms as he left the bed to take off his boxers. His penis sprang out, erect, huge and dark, and helpless panic overwhelmed her. She found herself cowering against the headboard, her knees at her chest. Eliah came back to the bed and sat opposite her, leaning backward. He showed her his member from there in all its magnitude.

“That’s not going to fit inside me,” she thought out loud.

With a compassionate smile, he took her hands and pulled her down so her head was at the foot of the bed. He lay down at her side, and Matilde felt the tip of his penis poking into her thigh.

“Don’t be afraid. I took off my boxers because I couldn’t stand the pressure. I already told you nothing is going to happen that you don’t want to happen. How are you feeling so far?”

“Strange. Happy,” she admitted. “Scared. And you?”

“Happy to have you in my bed, something I’ve wanted since the first second I saw you. It was very difficult to achieve.”

“Tell me that everything’s okay, that I’m doing everything well.”

“You’re doing everything
very
well. And if you make a mistake, what would be the problem? After all, this is your first time. At least that’s how I see it.”

“I see this as my first time too, but I still don’t want to make a mistake. Not with you.”

“Why not with me?”

“I’m afraid,” she sobbed.

“Afraid of what, my love?”

“Of disappointing you. I would die of shame. I couldn’t bear it. You’re such an incredible man. You’re so masculine that I always knew you would be an extraordinary lover. That’s what scared me about you, and made me act coldly toward you. I wanted to keep you away because you were too strong a temptation to resist. And I know my limitations.”

“Matilde, I want us to be comfortable with each other. Each of us can make as many mistakes as they need.”

“You’re never going to make a mistake, I know it.”

Eliah smiled.

“What a responsibility! What if I turn out to be a disaster?”

Matilde’s expression and snort of derision made him giggle; she laughed too. Their laughter gradually faded and they looked more deeply into each other’s eyes. His irises had turned black, losing their natural green. He stared at her without blinking. His demeanor signaled a change in the mood. He took off her black tulle panties and paused as he absorbed her nakedness. He frowned, and looked again. She had no hair, not even light-blonde fuzz. It wasn’t that she was waxed—he knew what a waxed mound of Venus looked like, it was rougher and more porous. One of his hands started to explore, in spite of Matilde’s unease, and discovered a very fine scar on the lower part of her belly. It was a whitish color that stood out from the skin; he hadn’t noticed it at first. He traced it with a finger; it looked like a smile on her pubis.

“What’s this?”

“I had an operation when I was sixteen. It’s nothing.”

Eliah continued his examination. He caressed her forearms and thighs, which were still half-covered by stockings.

“You don’t have any hair, not a single one.
Mon Dieu
, Matilde!” He rubbed his face against her pubis and she writhed, crying out as she buried her fingers in his hair.

Eliah was like a man possessed. His mouth devoured Matilde’s clitoris, his tongue stroked it, his lips sucked on it, his nose filled with her aroma. Her response encouraged him even further. He penetrated her with a finger, enjoying her wetness and the contraction of her muscles, which squeezed him with surprising force. His penis pulsed, his testicles had grown heavy and his mouth was dry. The desire Matilde awakened in him was like everything she spurred within him: out of control, irrational and excessive. He reached for the condom on the bedside table, ripped it open with his teeth and slipped it on quickly and skillfully. He loomed over her and asked her to open her legs, first in French, then in Spanish. Matilde obeyed, clutching onto his neck.
Slowly
, Eliah urged himself.
Very slowly.
He kept his eyes on her as he penetrated her. She was so small, thin and delicate. The very thought drove him even wilder, and he found it hard to keep himself under control.

“Are you okay?” She nodded. “Relax, please. I want you to enjoy the pleasure I can give you. Let me in. I’m burning with desire. Let me in.”

Matilde closed her eyes to visualize the image of his flesh sliding into her wetness. She smiled and wrapped her legs around his back. Eliah let out a loud sigh and buried himself until every single inch of his penis was inside of her. He stopped and tensed his body, resisting the tidal wave of pleasure.

“How are you? Does it hurt?”

“You’re inside me,” she gasped ecstatically, and he kissed away her tears. “You’re inside me, Eliah, my love.”

“Yes, I’m very deep inside you. All the way inside you. We did it, my love.”