Obsession (20 page)

“I’m not sure you’d believe me if I told you.” He suddenly became fascinated with the weave of the denim of his jeans and she blinked.

“Tell me. When did you write it?”

“Recently.” He side-stepped, setting his mug down and going to put another log on the fire.

“Recently as in after you met me?”
She stared at his back as he unnecessarily poked and prodded the fireplace.

“Well of course after I met you.” He didn’t turn around. “I wrote it
about
you.”

“About me?”
She couldn’t get her head round it. “But...I thought you just dedicated it to me at the gig.”

He rose to his feet and turned to look at her. “I wrote it about you. It was the second day we met. I came here for dinner and then I kissed you, went home and sat up all night writing music. You filled me with hope
, Noelle.”

“You wrote that after our first date?” She gaped at him.

“I knew you were the one, even then.” He shrugged. “I knew you wouldn’t believe me.”
The one? As in ‘The One’, all in capitals?
He was right. That did sound nuts. It was her turn to look away, uneasily contemplating the surface of her coffee. After this morning’s request to move in, she suddenly felt like the rug had been pulled from beneath her feet. What was he leading up to here? It was happening too quickly. She liked him, maybe even loved him if she was honest, but there was so much baggage...so much hurt to deal with. He’d never even told her he loved her, but he was ready to talk about moving in and being The One? This was all wrong. It was all the wrong way round. “Don’t close yourself away from me.” Distressed, he was by her side of the sofa in a flash. “I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry.”

“No! It’s okay! It’s just...” She trailed off. “Hold me.” She held her arms out and he pulled her up into an embrace.

“I’m sorry.” He murmured again and she sighed.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. It should be me that’s apologising. You just surprised me and I reacted totally the wrong way.” She leaned her head against the muscled planes of his chest and wondered if she was stupid for wanting to be away from him for a few days. “What other music did you write that night?” She asked
, trying to soothe away the awkardness, and he shrugged.

“A few pieces.
I sent a couple of them to the record company to put to other artists, but I wrote the next night too. When we played through a few of them with the band, it looked like the makings of a new album.”

“That’s great news!” She squeezed him. “Can I hear it when I come home?”

He went still and then squeezed her back. She’d just called it home. She could listen to whatever she wanted.

***

The following day, Noelle had a great time at the sales looking for a dress. Gabriel didn’t call, but he sent several texts throughout the day and she started to smile whenever her phone went off. It was nice to be alone for a few hours, but she did miss him. It was like he had his own gravitational field. He was so charismatic, so magnetic, that you felt drawn to him, like a planet in orbit, or a moth to a light bulb. When he wasn’t around, she felt almost weightless, detached somehow. It conflicted so sharply with her feelings of being grounded in familiarity at her house. She had been so sure that coming back had been the right thing to do, to remind her of who she was, but she was starting to realise that she had been irrevocably changed by Gabriel. Reminding her was all about who she
had
been, not who she was
now
. He had challenged her world view, forced her to question why she felt and behaved the way she did. He had expanded her horizons, promised a world she wanted to be a part of so much. Even the thought of turning her back on it was bitter. Imagining a world where she didn’t have to lie awake at night worrying about money... it broke her heart.

Alone in her house, she wandered amongst her things, touching them and rethinking their value. She had scrimped and saved so she could live comfortably, only carefully allowing herself frivolous purchases twice a year at her birthday and Christmas. All those years of self-denial...her life
had been redefined as two distinct sections: before and after Gabriel. Could she really let herself go and allow him to absorb her as utterly as he clearly wanted? What was she really giving up if she did? She loved her house and she loved her job, but other than that, what did she have to lose? No-one knew who he was. She wouldn’t be giving up her anonymity.

It all came down to the play room. He was such a damaged soul. Could she give anyone that kind of power over her in perpetuity? She’d never been so scared, so euphoric, so lost and yet so comforted as she had been while in his care. It was an emotional roller coaster. Even five years of it would give her a heart attack, she was sure. A month had come close to breaking her already.

If she walked away, what would she lose out on? Would she regret it? Probably. She’d never know where her boundaries lay, never know how far she could go. She’d walk away from a man who compelled her and fascinated her...maybe even loved her.

Her contemplation was broken by the phone ringing and she smiled, knowing who it would be.

“I miss you.” He said as soon as she answered. “Please can I come and get you?”

“No.” She laughed. “But I miss you too if it makes you feel any better.”

“Not really.” He huffed. “You’ve made my misery worse with worrying about you being miserable.”

“It’s less than twenty-four
hours until you see me again.” She reminded him, giggling. “It’ll fly past. Did you eat something?”

“Yeah.”
She knew he was lying.

“Something proper and filling?”
There was silence and she sighed. “Gabriel, you can’t not eat just because I’m not there. That’s just silly. You survived before I started cooking for you.”

“But it didn’t taste as good. Nothing tastes as good as it does when you do it.”

She had a bizarre feeling they were no longer talking about food. “What did you do today?” She asked, knowing she wasn’t going to be able to make him eat from her end of the phone.

“I went into the studio and recorded some music.” He finally relaxed. “I’ll play it to you when you get home tomorrow.”

“It’s been driving me crazy sitting around in silence for the last couple of hours.” She realised aloud, finally noticing what the source of her unease was. “I’ve become so used to there always being music with you.” She wandered across to her stereo and turned on the radio, twisting the dial until she found something classical.

“Why, Miss Winters! Is that you listening to classical music by choice?” He chuckled down the phone and she smiled.

“You’ve changed me, you awful man.” She joked. “I was quite happy being common and listening to poptastic wallpaper music. Now I have to go and be all sophisticated and stuff.”

“I’ll play you more pop music when you get home.” He smiled and she could sense it from all these miles away. It warmed her.
“Rock too...modern and classic.”

“We should go dancing one night.” She moved through to the kitchen. If they were going to be on the phone for a while, she had to eat. Setting it to speaker phone, she grabbed a tin of white crab meat from the cupboard and started making up a lime and avocado salad with some bits she’d bought at the shops.

“I’d like that. Maybe we can go at the weekend.” He paused. “What are you doing?”

“Making salad.
I haven’t eaten yet.” She felt strangely guilty.

“What kind of salad?”

She looked at the pile of delicious ingredients and decided to lie. “Nothing special. Just a green salad with some roasted squash.”

“You never make anything not special.”
He accused. “Are you lying to me?”

She tried to keep a straight face but failed. “I’m
sorry, I didn’t want to make you feel bad. I’m making crab salad with lime and avocado.”

“Save me some.”
He sounded wistful. “It sounds delicious.”

“I’ll make it for you when I get home.” She promised, breaking off some crisp romaine lettuce leaves and rinsing them.

“I’m glad you think of it as home.” He said carefully. “How is the thinking going?”

She paused and tried to decide how much to tell him. “I think we need to talk.” She said honestly. “I need balance
, Gabriel. I know you have it in your head that I’ll come and be with you and be there all the time, but I can’t do that. I need to work, to maintain contact with the outside world.”

“And you think that will help you stay grounded?” He asked curiously
, and she nodded before realising he couldn’t see her.

“I think so.” She grinned. “It’s hard not to stay grounded in a school. It’s pretty challenging.”

“Okay. I need to work too, so I’ll do it during the day while you’re out.”

“Being a teacher isn’t
a nine to five job.” She pointed out. “I have marking to do and lessons to plan. Do you think you can cope with that?”

“If it’s what you need, I’ll learn to cope with it.” It didn’t make him happy
, but he’d do it.

“We need to talk about the play room too.” It was easier to speak about these things without him being in the room. He was too overwhelming in person.

“What about it?”

“I realise that New Years Eve was a special occasion, but what happens in there needs to stay in there.” She said softly.
“I need you not to try and control me outside of there. I know you don’t mean to, I know you’re easygoing most of the time, but every now and then it slips. Like when you tried to tell me how to feel. I need to be able to speak my mind without worrying that I’m going to end up getting punished.”

He was silent for a long time. “I don’t know that I’m doing it.” He sounded upset. “Help me out here
, kitten. I can’t just switch it off. You’re inextricably linked with sex in my head. Just watching you walk into a room turns me on. I won’t ever punish you unless I’m being your master, but you’ll have to forgive the odd comment that comes out. I can’t help it.”

“I can forgive the odd comment, but don’t try to overpower me with sex when I call you on it.” She relented. “It’s not a weapon Gabriel. It’s not something you can use in a fight.”

“What if I want to have sex with you outside the play room?”

She couldn’t believe they were having such a rational discussion about something so irrational. “That’s fine, but don’t expect absolute obedience. It’s supposed to be spontaneous every now and then, like the other day in the shower. You do what you need to, if you need to feel in control, b
ut don’t expect me to call you Master.”

“What about your safe word?” He asked quietly. “I want that to be the standard
, anywhere we go. I can’t be with you if I have to stop every time you say no.”

That was a fair point. He’d never once stopped just because she’d said no and, nine times out of ten, she’d had a spectacular orgasm after it. She smirked. Okay, ten times out of ten.
“Fine. If I can’t cope, I’ll safe word. You can have that as your standard, anywhere in the house.”

“Anywhere we go.” He corrected. “You know how I feel about cars.”

“Yeah, you really need to get over that.” She chuckled softly, blushing. “I hate having an audience.”

“I need to get over it?”
He tutted. “Maybe you just need to get used to it. What if I want to play in the bedroom?”

“Then ask me, like you did the last time. Ask me if I want to play.” And she probably wouldn’t turn him down, wanton hussy that she was.
Blushing even deeper, she began peeling open the tin.

“Does this mean you’ll move in with me?” He asked hopefully and she swallowed.

“Not officially. I’ll stay with you after the holidays are done. I’m not getting rid of my house and I’m not moving things in, but I won’t insist on coming back here when term starts.”

“Y
es!” She heard rustling and chuckled, picturing him jumping about in delight.

“We have other things to talk about too though.” She put in before he got too carried away.

“Such as?”

“Transport for one thing.
There aren’t any buses to the school from out your way. Would you consider insuring me on one of your cars until I can afford to get my own?” There was a long, long silence. “Look, I know they’re expensive, but there’s no other way of getting to work.” She said reasonably and he sighed irritably.

“I couldn’t care less how much the car costs. You can be insured on the whole damn garage if you want to. I’m counting to ten so I don’t lay into you for being an idiot.” He took a deep breath. “
If you want your own car, I’ll get you a car.”

“That’s not how it works Gabriel.” She said firmly. “
I don’t want you to buy me a car.”

“Please think about this from my perspective.” It sounded like he was pacing. “What kind of
a jerk would I be if I let you spend your hard-earned cash on some second hand car when I have a whole garage full of cars here? I’m happy to leave you insured on them for as long as you want. I’ll only buy you a car if you really want one just to yourself. I’m not going to compromise your safety by letting you have anything less than what I’d have for myself. Does that make sense?”