Nun But The Brave (A Giulia Driscoll Mystery Book 3) (9 page)

Eighteen

Giulia’s staff appeared in her doorway as if by magic. Sidney’s brown eyes were as big as an anime character’s.

Zane’s pale hair was trying to stand on end. “What did you say, Ms. D?”

Giulia couldn’t answer him for a moment because she was laughing too hard.

“Guys.” A deep breath to forestall the hiccups. “What kind of opinion do you have of me? I’m a married, pregnant, former nun.”

Sidney tottered to Giulia’s right-hand client chair and sat. “Don’t scare us like that, even though we should have known better.”

Zane leaned on the back of the other client chair. “My sister uses dating sites. The juxtaposition of what those sites are like with the question coming from you,” he smoothed his hair with one hand, “it shorted out my synapses.”

Giulia tried a few more deep breaths. “I admit I didn’t think through the implications of the question when I asked it. However, I am serious.” She typed as she talked. “Joanne Philbey registered on three different dating sites, and I need to create a false profile for all of them.” She touched her bouncy curls. “Zane, you have Photoshop skills, right?”

Zane and Sidney started to grin.

“This is going to be fun,” Sidney said. “The captain of my college swim team met her last two boyfriends online. “

“Excellent,” Giulia said. “Do you have time to help me with this right now?”

Zane picked Giulia’s phone off her desk. “Smile, Ms. D.” He took several pictures.

“You have a mad scientist look on your face.”

“All in the name of a successful case.” His grin widened. “How do you want me to change you?”

“I want to resemble Joanne. I should be thirty to forty pounds heavier, with straight hair and not much makeup. Small earrings.”

“Right, like you’re repressing everything,” Sidney said. “The fake you should wear a button-down shirt in a neutral color. Like you used to wear when I started working here.”

Giulia shook her head. “It’s a good thing I’m not too vain.”

Zane elbowed Sidney and the imaginary light bulb appeared over her head. “Oh, wow. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it, honest.”

“I know. And I know I used to dress like the world’s biggest frump. For this experiment we should recapture the old me.”

Zane walked out. “Magic will happen. Don’t go anywhere.”

Sidney moved her chair next to Giulia. “Let’s create low self-esteem Giulia.”

“With a new name.”

“Oh, yes, right. A neutral name too.”

Giulia logged on to the first site, the mainstream one with the largest TV and internet presence. The home page tried to lure her in with bright, upbeat copy. “I need a name before I can go anywhere. What about Maria, like in
The Sound of Music
? The last name should be something less suspicious than Smith.”

“Rogers? Olson? Martin?”

“Martin, yes. Like Mary Martin the actress. I can remember that.”

She filled out the form using the separate Visa card she maintained for undercover work. “Blast, I need an email address.”

“Yahoo,” Sidney said.

“No, they want a phone number for verification.” A few minutes later, “Aha. Found a free email that won’t check up on me.”

“Maria Martin’s” dummy email completed the entrance form and the full site opened to her. “Good Heavens. So much required information.”

Sidney pushed her chair against Giulia’s “Let me take over. I’ve seen these places before. Zane,” she yelled. “What color are you making Giulia’s eyes?”

“Hazel.”

Sidney filled out screen after screen, Giulia listing Joanne’s preferences for activities, reading, and movies. When they reached the personal statement page, they both worked out a lure for people Joanne may have dated.

“I’m into the outdoors. Hunting with bow and arrow and shotgun, plus fishing and camping. I like to cook. I like cats. A lot. Sex is important too. So are sci-fi and kooky comedies. Make me laugh. Satisfy me.”

“Oh, wow, you’re going to get major creeper activity.”

Giulia smiled. “Good. If Joanne got involved with a sex offender or a general creeper, this profile is engineered to lure him out.”

“Zane, we need the new Giulia picture,” Sidney called.

“Your wish is my command,” he called back.

Giulia’s email notification popped into the lower right-hand corner of her screen, followed by Zane in person.

“If you don’t like it, Ms. D., I can scrap it and start over, no problem.”

Giulia opened the attachment. “Maria Martin” had chipmunk cheeks and a double chin. Her flat blonde hair had dark roots and needed a trim. Her smile tried to be attractive but instead projected nerves and, yes, low self-esteem. Her tan button-down shirt washed out her face and hair.

“Someone get this woman a life,” Giulia said. “She’s perfect.”

Zane grinned again. “I have skills.”

“Oh, stop preening,” Sidney said.

“Jealous.”

“We’re all working together, class,” Giulia said. “Do I have to get out my Ruler of Doom?”

As one, Zane and Sidney said, “No, Sister.”

“That’s better. Zane, I’m glad you chose an honest career. You could have made a fortune in fake IDs.”

Silence. Giulia looked over the top of her monitor. A ghost of color flared on Zane’s cheeks.

“Which you did in college?”

“Maybe.”

Sidney said, “I wish I’d known you then. I paid stupid money for mine, and the first night I tried to use it I got laughed out of three different bars.”

Giulia face-palmed in mock despair. “I never expected Driscoll Investigations would also be a rehabilitation center for minor lawbreakers.”

“You should tell your brother you’re doing such charitable work,” Sidney said. “He might approve.”

“Not a chance. He’d find a way to make my hiring you despite not knowing your past indiscretions a sin on my part.” She waved away thoughts of her brother. “Zane, this photo looks enough like me and enough unlike me not to arouse too much suspicion when and if I meet with someone from one of these places.”

“Meet?” Sidney said.

“Why else would we go to all this work? Our client is certain her sister is alive. I’m almost certain. Since Joanne signed up for these meat markets, trying to find the men she may have met is my next logical step.”

Zane came around to Giulia’s side of the screen. “Did you upload the photo?”

“Doing it now.” A moment later, the site’s first ten suggested matches came on screen.

Zane pointed to each in turn. “Creeper. Drunk. Creeper. Underage. Has a record. Him too. Possible. Creeper. Also possible. Lives in his mother’s basement.”

Sidney and Giulia studied the photos. “I agree,” Sidney said.

“Me too,” Giulia said. “Let’s see what the creeper quotient is on the next site.”

They set up the same profile for the site restricted to twins and triplets and for the site catering to Preppers and off-gridders. Zane’s opinion of the first set of suggested contacts did not differ between all three.

“I’ll check back tomorrow morning. What I’m really looking for are personal messages. Thank you both for interrupting whatever you were working on.”

Sidney put the chair back, laughing. When she caught Giulia’s quizzical look, she shook her head and said, “Later.”

Zane said, “Everything was worth dropping for this.” The phone rang and he picked it up at Giulia’s desk. “Good morning, Dris—”

A high, hysterical voice cut him off. “I have to talk to Aunt Giulia right now!”

Nineteen

Giulia held out her hand for the phone. Zane closed the door behind him.

“Cecilia, it’s Aunt Giulia. What’s—”

“You have to stop dad! You have to come over here right away!” Sobs muddled the last words.

“Cecilia.” Short and sharp. The sobs cut off. “What is happening?”

“Dad’s making us pack up all mom’s clothes and things and he’s going to take everything to the St. Vincent DePaul shelter. That means he won’t let mom come back home.” Behind her voice, Giulia heard a car drive by and a door slam.

“Cecilia, stop and think. Your dad is angry. Give him time to calm down. Your mom’s stuff can always be replaced.”

“But he tore up their wedding pictures and buried them in the compost pile. He made Carlo throw the engraved wine glasses from their wedding into the garbage bin. It’s like he’s trying to erase her from our lives.”

“Where are you calling from?” The last thing her niece needed was an enraged Salvatore overhearing this conversation.

“I’m in the garage with the camping stuff. Dad says we’re getting rid of it all because we’re not going to do anything mom did with us ever again.” The sobbing restarted.

A light bulb of her own popped on over Giulia’s head. “Cecilia, is any camping gear missing?”

Through the sobs, the sounds of boxes and nylon bags moving around. “Um, yeah, maybe. The Scouts stuff is messed up and the cooking gear isn’t where it used to be.” More cardboard and metal sounds. “The wok is gone. That was a present from Grandma. Dad’s gonna be piss—um, mad. Oh shit.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Who is this?” Giulia’s brother said.

Giulia closed her eyes. “Hello, Salvatore.”

“You disgusting heretical whore. How dare you sully Cecilia’s ears with your foul mouth?”

“What a Christlike example you’re setting for your children.”

“What?”

“You’re told to find the lost sheep and bring her home. Instead you’re locking the doors to keep her out.”

Her brother’s voice cracked as he spewed out-of-context Bible verses at her. She cut him off.

“If you don’t stop this Saint Pius the Tenth insanity, your kids will run away just like Anne did.”

“Only if you put that disrespectful idea into their heads. They are obedient and devout, unlike you. You spit on the Cross with every breath you take.”

Giulia slammed down the receiver. So much more satisfying than pressing “End” on a cell phone. She rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. All three of those kids would appear in her kitchen one morning if her brother kept this up.

She pushed back her chair and pressed her forehead against the window screen. Traffic noises cleared the rage out of her head. When she could think again, she returned to her desk and wrote: Anne à Camping à Prepper supplies à Unknown drugs à Where did she run to? à Who did she run to? à Who did she run with?

The phone rang again. Zane buzzed her. “Potential new client, Ms. D. Do you want to pick up?”

“No. Please get our standard intake information.” Whoever she talked to might get blindsided by leftover fury at her brother.

She grabbed her purse and opened her door. Zane and Sidney were both on the phone. Although she didn’t want to look at even a picture of food, she mimed eating and left.

Ten minutes later, she arrived at the triangular downtown park. A panicky day care worker was cajoling a three-year-old wearing an Ariel dress out of the elaborate fountain. Six more three- and four-year-olds leaned on the rim, giggling. Three others were feeding peanut butter sandwiches to the pigeons. Two more day care workers tried to corral the pigeon feeders and the fountain gawkers to a picnic table where juice boxes and watermelon slices were set up.

She sat on the edge of the fountain after the day care worker fished out the
Little Mermaid
cosplayer. July sun warmed away the chill of her brother’s phone call. She leaned her head back and spread her arms like a lizard sunning on a rock.

Anne probably wouldn’t have logged on to a dating site from her church job. Not from her phone either, since Salvatore would likely have monitored her phone usage. Therefore, when she sneaked out at night, she met up with a sympathetic friend or with whoever supplied her the mysterious drugs.

Giulia sat up. She needed to go back to Joanne’s apartment and try to channel a drug-sniffing dog. No, first she needed to hack into Joanne’s dating site accounts and see whose profiles she’d saved. All three of these incidents were connected; she was ninety percent positive. Well, maybe eighty-three percent.

Zane to the rescue.

Twenty

She returned to Sidney on the phone talking baby talk to Jessamine. While she waited for Zane to get back from lunch, she plowed through emails and read over the latest intake form. It had been a smart choice to let Zane field this one. The caller danced around the “d” word, but at the core he wanted DI to catch his wife doing the nasty with her boss.

She called the number and left a message of polite refusal. DI was no longer taking divorce cases.

Zane saw the crumpled note in Giulia’s recycle bin when he returned. “I knew you’d see the hidden divorce language.”

“It’s one of our only rules.”

“Far be it from me to request a rerun of drunk cheater scumbags busting in here to try to beat us up.” He stared at her staring at her screen. “Can I help you with anything?”

“Actually, yes, but how many times can I disrupt your schedule before we start falling behind?”

“Ms. D., you worry a lot. I’ve put work on the back burner several times to help you with something more urgent.” He inhaled and sang. “And the culminating pleasure that we treasure beyond measure is the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done.”

Giulia gave the only possible response: “I shall begin calling you Giuseppe.”

Zane high-fived her. “Nobody knows Gilbert and Sullivan anymore.”

Giulia spread her hands. “Musician, remember? Every so often community theater expands its repertoire.” She smiled a wicked smile. “I will find something to quote at you to mess with Sidney. Okay, to work. I need access to Joanne’s accounts on those three dating sites we signed me up for. Here is her email address and a list of her possible usernames. I place them in your skilled hands.”

Hollow laughter came from the same throat that produced the baritone song. “Hush the gallery. The maestro is about to conduct a symphony.”

“I’ll get any incoming calls.”

From her own desk, Sidney said, “Thanks, Giulia. I didn’t have time to pack a lunch and I’m starving.”

The phone remained silent for the next forty-five minutes while Sidney left and returned with a sandwich bulging with cheese and sprouts. At minute forty-six, Sidney said from her desk, “Check your own profile on all three sites.”

Giulia leaned left to see around her monitor. “It’s been less than three hours.”

“Trust me.”

She logged in to the off-grid site first. “Fourteen? Already?”

“Not bad. Any D-pics?”

Giulia fell back in her chair. “You have got to be kidding me.”

Sidney and Zane ran in. “You did?”

Giulia reached for the keyboard. “I was reacting to the idea. Now I’m afraid to click any of these mug shots.”

Her loyal staff said, “Do it. Do it. Do it.”

She reached for the mouse. “I’m sending you two out for eye-bleach.” A click. “He’s fully clothed. I’m safe.”

Sidney pointed to the screen. “Click the other tab.”

Click.
“Oh, my dear God.”

Zane peered at it. “Photoshopped.”

So did Sidney. “Sure?”

He outlined the length. “See that edge? Look behind it. The wallpaper pattern is smeared.”

Sidney leaned in. “Son of a gun. What a loser.”

Giulia said in a plaintive voice, “May I delete him now?”

“Yes, with extreme prejudice,” Sidney said.

Giulia clicked through eight more profiles without genitalia assaulting her eyes. The tenth, however…

“Whoa. That’s real,” Zane said.

“I need to lie down in a dark room,” Giulia said.

“Every comment in my head is not safe for work,” Sidney said. “Except this: My swim team captain got twice that many, but she showed mega cleavage in her picture.”

“All right.” Giulia straightened up and grasped the mouse. “I am an adult. I can handle this.”

She clicked again and again. Six more photos appeared in her queue, three with movie camera icons next to them.

“Videos, oh, yes, videos,” Sidney said. “Zane, you should probably leave the room.”

“I have seen the nadir of masculine crassness. Besides, you couldn’t drag me out of here without seeing these guys in action.”

Giulia said a quick mental prayer to St. Jude, the patron saint of hopeless causes, but in her heart she knew she wouldn’t get out of the office today without seeing shaky-cam of some stranger’s naughty bits. Then she clicked the first video.

A black light. A mirror. A thumping bass soundtrack. A camera panning at its leisure up the length of a tall, hairy male.

“Oh, my God.”

She clicked the big red X icon on the video at least twenty times in three seconds, just to make one hundred percent certain it stopped. She believed in ripping a bandage off fast, so she clicked video number two right away.

This prospect wore a t-shirt at least one size too small to emphasize his sculpted torso. He tried the same effect with his jeans.

“Stuffed,” Zane said.

“Totally,” Sidney said.

The Vision in Musculature spoke. “Yo, Maria, I got what you want.”

“I was sure his voice would be at least an octave lower,” Giulia said.

He continued, “I bench 335. I fix stuff. I build stuff. I got a full-time job and I got this.” He gestured toward the stuffed jeans. “You’re gonna love hookin’ up with me. Let’s do it.”

The video ended. Sidney’s head was buried in her arms on Giulia’s desk. Her body shook with laughter.

Zane made a dismissive noise. “Steroids.”

“Being handy around the house is not enough,” Giulia said. “Not remotely enough.”

“Yo, Maria,” Zane said in his natural Humphrey Bogart baritone.

Giulia laughed at the incongruous juxtaposition of Bogie and Stallone.

“All right, one more. Brace yourselves.”

A stocky male of medium height and waist-length dreadlocks faced the camera straight on. “I’m twenty-six, blood type A, in good health, no STDs. The men in my family have strong male sperm, so we have a good chance at breeding several sons. Reply with your health record, blood type, and a list of the staple dishes in your repertoire. Include your pelvic dimensions as proof you’re able to bear and raise strong sons.”

Giulia couldn’t speak for several seconds. Sidney had collapsed to the floor, laughing so hard she had trouble catching her breath. Zane clutched his chest and staggered to one of the client chairs like a bad actor in an overwrought death scene.

“Ms. D., you remember how I said I love this job? I take it back. This job is the best job on the planet.”

Sidney gasped from the floor, “I wonder how many replies he gets?”

Zane said, “You caught a real survivalist there. He’s looking to make the two of you into a breeding pair for the apocalypse. A new Noah’s Ark might be on scaffolding in a hidden cave as we speak.”

Giulia’s stupor shattered. She closed the dating website. “Out, you two. I’m morally bereft at the present moment, which makes this the right time to send past due invoices to our few recalcitrant clients.”