Nuklear Age (27 page)

“That sound heap corrupt.”

Civil Defender twitched once more. He glanced back at the stranded rescue vehicles. “Loitering! Nya ha!”

The Indigenous Extinguisher caught the ticket in midair and read it. “This only notebook paper.”

“Um.”

“You have’um no legal power.”

“Er, no. Not as such. But I
am
a crazed and misguided vigilante hell-bent on righting even the most insignificant wrongs, no matter how meaningless.”

Fire Chief tapped his foot. It caused a minor ticketslide.

“You’re all under arrest?” the Armored Officer asserted with all the confidence of a sponge.

Fire Chief brandished a tomahawk.

Civil Defender’s eyes darted back and forth. “Well, I guess you win this round—BLAM BLAM BLAM!”

“Maybe if you shoot’um heap big gun instead of heap big mouth.”

“Ahem. Righto.” Civil Defender opened fire in a final, desperate attempt to maintain his delusions of police work by providing cover fire for his own escape.

__________

Dr. Ima Genius lowered a bulky helmet onto her head She buckled its strap across her chin and balanced the device with one hand while adjusting a few knobs and dials on a console in front of her with the other. The helmet was adorned with little multi-colored blinking lights and antennae of varying lengths. She flipped the Scientific: Engage button. Arcs of electricity shot and crackled across her technological helm. “Now to localize his Alpha Wave Series.”

__________

Nuklear Man soared through Metroville. He and Atomik Lad were still chasing down Crushtacean. This was easier than it might otherwise have been since nearly a third of the buildings were gone or otherwise easy to see through. Tactical scenarios to subdue The Crab spun through Nuklear Man’s mind. This of course included, and was completely limited to,
I shall make a feint to the northeast
, followed by silence.
Hmm. I wonder what I’m supposed to do after that.

His introspective survey was interrupted by the scratchy and ghostly voice of Dr. Genius popping into his mind. “Calling Nuklear Man.”

Aww geez, not again!
Nuklear Man thought.

“Calling Nuklear Man,” the voice repeated, this time slightly less garbled.

Look, I thought we had a deal. I agreed to commit those ritualistic murders and you agreed to leave me alone.

“What?” Genius’s voice was now perfectly clear. “What are you talking about?”

You know, the ritual murders to provide sacrificial victims for summoning pagan death gods to usher in a new era of oblivion etcetera, etcetera.

Ima’s voice was laden with drastically worried and concerned tones, “Nuklear Man, have you begun these murders?”

No. I planned on starting tonight once we wrap up this crab thing. Don’t be so pushy, you’ll get your sacrificial victims.

“Nuklear Man, do not, I repeat, do
not
commit any murders.”

Is that a double negative? Is this a test of my loyalty?

“No. Look, I, or we, or whoever, have made other arrangements. No murdering. Do you understand?”

Well, yeah, sure. I just wish you voices would make up your minds though.

__________

On the other side of Metroville, inside a dark and damp abandoned warehouse, a pale green patch of light barely illuminated the center of the derelict structure’s interior, making the walls seem that much more distant. The light came from an oversized computer screen displaying the details of Plan C:

“Step 1: Design Evil: Telepathy Device. Complete.” A little animated female in a lab coat bonked a cartoony computer with alternate blows by a wrench and mallet.

“Step 2: Contact Nuklear Goon. Complete.” A radar dish sent little wavy signals to a buck-toothed figure in a cape flying above it.

“Step 3: Convince Nuklear Mongoloid to carry out ritualized murders to provide sacrificial victims for summoning pagan death gods to usher in a new era of oblivion etc., etc., Complete.” A close up of the caped and buck-toothed individual showed his brain, X-Ray style, in a vice-grip.

“Step 4: Dance on Nuklear Grave. Incomplete.” The animated lab coat lady from Step One gaily spun around a tombstone with an electron-orbited “N” engraved on it. The picture had a giant red X superimposed over it.

Dr. Menace clenched her fists and shook slightly. “Fine.” She placed her hands on the computer console with a calm she didn’t know she possessed and lowered her head. “On to Plan
D
.”

__________

“Now, Nuklear Man,” Dr. Genius said. “I have set up a telepathic link between the two of us. We are sharing all of our surface thoughts. Sorry for the intrusion, but I had to contact you as soon as possible, and this was the only way.”

“No problem.”

“Good. Now, you have to…what’s that noise?”

An announcer yelled, “Ahora es la hora para Loco Paco's Midnighto Madness! Vengances a Loco Paco de Discounto organ donor clinico! Sabado para tremenda ventas en estomagos, corazones, y dedos—” Nuklear Man punched himself in the skull a few times to silence the new intruder. “Lousy brain,” he grumbled.

“What was that?” Dr. Genius asked.

“Oh, you know. Spanish radio.”

“Spanish radio?”

“Yeah. What, like Spanish radio doesn’t invade your thoughts too?”

“It doesn’t.”

“Oh, you silly scientists and your well-known senses of humor. Y'oughta quit your day job. I mean, what do you do up there other than stare at charts an’ stuff anyway?”

She checked a few readouts on her computer console. “His brain waves are actually so low they intercept radio signals,” she mumbled to herself.

“Spanish radio signals!” he said. “En Español.”

“Right. Look, I’ve compiled some data.”

“Great! Keep up the good work. Super, really. Don’t quit that day job!”

“No, Nuklear Man. Listen.”

“Listen...?”

“The thing when someone
else
talks and you pay attention.”

“Um.”

“…And it’s boring.”

“Oh right! Gotcha. Go for it.”

“I’ve been compiling some data about the Crushtacean and I have a plan. Regroup with Atomik Lad, Iron Scotsman, and Mighty Metallic Magno Man back at the beach and I’ll telepathically relay the plan to all of you as soon as I figure out the Conference Call code for this thing.”

__________

“And that’s the plan,” Dr. Genius said. “I’m running up the charges for long distance telepathy here, so I’ll have to let you all go. I’ll be monitoring your progress from Überdyne’s Satellite network. Good luck, Heroes.”

“I can see the moons of Jupiter,” Mighty Metallic Magno Man informed NASA as he lay on his back and utterly failed to sort out reality from supersonic-spin-induced hallucinations.

Angus crossed his arms and huffed. “Ah don’t likes it!”

“Of course
you
don’t like it,” Nuklear Man said. “You’ve got the gimpy end of the plan.”

“And the moons are talking!”

“Maybe we should put him in the shade,” Rachel said. Atomik Lad leaned to shade Norman’s face.

“Ooh, an eclipse!”

“Oh yeah. He’ll be fine,” he said.

“Are you sayin’ Ah’ve got the gimpy part o’ the plan ‘cause Ah’m short, and ergo
gimpy!”

“I hadn’t thought of it that way, but now that you mention it.”

“GrrrrrrrRRRARGH! DWARF-A—”

“Wait!”
Atomik Lad imposed himself between Angus and Nuklear Man. The Surly Scot ceased his assault before it got a chance to take off. “Angus, you play an important role in the plan.”

“Very important,” Rachel added. “Without you, there’s no plan at all.”

Angus furrowed and scowled to new levels of aggravation. “That don’t mean Ah gots to
likes
it. Hmmphf!”

“Okay,” Atomik Lad said. “Let’s just get in our positions and get this over with.” He glanced at Rachel and she winked at him. His legs went all wobbly.

Nuklear Man picked up Angus and held him like a bearded football dressed in iron, and smelling of alcohol, haggis, and rage. Angus squirmed uselessly. Nuklear Man leapt into the sky.

Atomik Lad watched Nuklear Man’s trail of Plazma energy as it cut across the high, drifting clouds. “So, what’dya think of our first date, Rachel?”

“Never a dull moment with your friends around, is there.”

“Yeah,” he said, looking down at the glimmering sand.

“But I could use some dull moments every now and then.”

“I know what you mean. Lord, do I know what you mean.”

“Maybe. So how about we do something this weekend? Just you and me.”

“I’d like that.”

“If you can squeeze me into your schedule, that is.”

“I’ll make time. Norman should recover by then, he can babysit Nuke while we’re out.”

“Good,” she said. “Um, don’t you have some important plan to put into motion?”

Atomik Lad smiled goofily. “Er, plan? Who? Me. Damn. Right. I’ll be back as soon as we wrap this up. I’m sorry.”

“Just go.”

His Atomik Field burst to life and the sidekick shot into the air after his companions.

“And be careful.”

__________

“Man, stopping this crab thing has turned into such a mission,” Nuklear Man groaned.

“Ah still thinks this plan is stupid,” Angus huffed. Nuklear Man held him tight against his side while he flew them to the positions stipulated by The Plan. Angus’s Iron: Bagpipe Thrusters obviously held an eerie fascination for the Giant Crab. The Plan, therefore, needed Angus to be live bait. Nuklear Man would deposit him near the grounds of an abandoned factory. There, it was a simple matter of setting off the Thrusters to lure Crushtacean into the open. Then Nuklear Man would fly Angus out of harm’s way while Atomik Lad kept it busy until the other Heroes could regroup whereupon they would take care of the Crab once and for all.

Simple.

“Heh, I wouldn’t like it if I was the bait either.”

“Ah ain’t no bait!” he rumbled under Nuklear Man’s grip. “Ah’m, what did that Doctor lass call it, the um.”

“‘The most integral and important unit contributing to the success of The Plan’?”

“Aye. And don’t ye forget it!”

“She just said that so you’d agree to do it.”

“WHAT?!”

“I mean, sheesh, who
volunteers
to be the bait in a plan? ‘Ooh, ooh, lookit me, I wanna be the bait, put me in unnecessary danger while my comrades must come to my rescue lest I become all dead.’ Yeah right, no thanks.” Nuklear Man laughed to himself. Then he remembered what a bad idea it was to mock Angus. “Er. Um, but it’s too late to back out now, right?”

“Like hell it is!” He wriggled to free himself.

“Yeesh, you’re a slippery little guy, aren’t ya.”

“Let me go, ye musclebound freak! Ah ain’t gonna be no bait fer no giant killer crab!”

“Oh, but I think you are.” Nuklear Man zoomed out of the sky to the abandoned factory. He set Angus down, wrapped him in an abandoned iron girder that had been lying on the abandoned grounds, and tied him to an abandoned cement truck with several lengths of abandoned chain all in a golden blur of action. “Finished” He stepped back and admired his work and proudly dusted off his hands. “You’re not going anywhere.”

“How am I supposed to get away when the damned crab shows up?”

“I’ve got to fly you out of here anyway, so what’s another couple of tons of abandoned metal-work to an invincible superstud like m’self? Answer: nuthin’.

__________

Meanwhile, Atomik Lad raced above the skyscraping rooftops of Metroville. His quarry wasn’t difficult to find, what with the unmistakable trail of destruction to follow. “Okay. So there it is, now I just have to get its attention.” He zoomed down to Crab level and buzzed around what he assumed was his eyes.

The monster didn’t even blink.

“Well, this is getting me nowhere.”

Where, oh where has my sweet precious gone
, Crushtacean lamented.

__________

“You know, you’re kinda cute all wrapped up in that iron stuff.”

“What!”

“Just like one of those little adorable lawn gnomes.”

“What?!”

“Only wrapped up in an iron girder ‘cause you’re
way
too weak to even try to get out.”

“THAT
DOOES
IT!”

__________

Crushtacean heard the lilting harmony of the mating call dance its way to his hungrily awaiting ears.
Be patient, my dear, soon your Crabbyboy will be near
. It rhymed in Crabtalk too, but that was just because the entire language consisted of discreet differences in the sound “splarg.”

The Crab spun around and batted Atomik Lad from the air into what had previously been an untouched furniture store. A comfy sofa broke his fall before his Atomik Field shred it like incriminating government documents. “Well, that’ll do.” He stood, brushed himself off, and shot out the shattered window display. Pieces of furniture scattered in his wake.

Mr. Manager crawled out from his hiding place behind the sales desk. “My new business.” Twitch. “Ruined by those, those
punks!
Again! I’ll get even with you degenerates if it’s the last thing I do!” he screamed after Atomik Lad’s diminishing form.

__________

“All that yelling and shaking makes you even cuter.”

“
What?!
I’ll show ye cute!” Angus’s Iron: Bagpipe Thrusters flared. The mass of metal he’d become jumped and jerked, but was held in check by the chains that bound him to the low earth.

“Now you just look cute and silly.”

“YYYYYEEEARGHBLBLBLBLE!”

“Meow.”

Nuklear Man blinked. He scratched his chin. “That’s not a very Raging Scootish Warrior Thing To Say.”

“Meow.”

“Ahh. I’ll use my super sensitive Nuklear Hearing to pinpoint the exact location of this meow’s source.”

“Meow?”

“Bah! This is taking too long. I’ll be easier to just Plazma Beam the area and when the meowing stops, I bet that’ll be where it’s coming from.”

“Meow?!”

“PLAZMAAA—”

“MEOW!” A gray cat leapt from the leaves of a tree right into Nuklear Man’s thick arms. The feline made himself comfortable and rubbed against the Hero’s chin.