November (8 page)

ARCHER:
Chuck.

CHARLES:
Sex …

ARCHER:
Chuck …

CHARLES:
 … of the child.

BERNSTEIN:
Sir, my partner is a woman.

CHARLES:
Who are you to judge?

BERNSTEIN:
I’m sure
she’d
say she is a woman.

CHARLES:
At the cost of your happiness? (
Pause
) I’m going to tell you, Bernstein, I don’t care
what
sex she is. Couldn’t care less. If she
merely
…

BERNSTEIN:
She’s wearing a wedding dress.

CHARLES:
Allows it to be
inferred
, that she …

BERNSTEIN:
Sir.

CHARLES:
 … is
any one thing
but a woman, I will hitch you up so tight, your eyes will pop.

BERNSTEIN:
Sir …

CHARLES:
Well, then, do you know what? Fuck you. Because, this is the trouble with your liberal agenda.

BERNSTEIN:
What is that?

(
TURKEY GUY
enters
.)

TURKEY GUY:
Sir, the cameras are about to roll. The turkeys are
restive
, and I assume you’ve resolved that other matter.

BERNSTEIN:
What is the problem with my liberal agenda, Sir?

CHARLES:
You are willing to sacrifice the happiness of actual flesh-and-blood “people” to protect some cockamamie, dumb idea of “justice.”

BERNSTEIN:
I take the strongest exception to your speech.

CHARLES:
And so you want to “Save the World.”

TURKEY GUY:
Uh, uh …

CHARLES:
And all that happy horseshit.

BERNSTEIN:
Sir …

CHARLES:
But, not unless you and your pal can have a little piece of
paper
…

BERNSTEIN:
That quote little piece of paper, as you denigrate it, is the symbol of our …

CHARLES:
Oh, stuff a sock in it.

BERNSTEIN:
HUMAN DIGNITY. (
Sneezes
)

CHARLES:
Oh, please.

TURKEY GUY:
Sir.

BERNSTEIN:
We named our baby after you.

ARCHER:
Bernstein: It’s just, JUST not going to happen.

(
Pause
.)

BERNSTEIN:
I wrote you such a beautiful speech …

CHARLES:
I’m sorry, Bernstein …

BERNSTEIN:
About how, as a nation, those things which
unite
US…
(
BERNSTEIN
gives the speech to
CHARLES
.
To
CHARLES
)… here … (Pause) Read it, Sir. The words are mine, but the ideas are yours.

(
The phone rings
.
ARCHER
answers and listens
.)

ARCHER:
Yes. (
Hangs up the phone
)

CHARLES:
(
Reads
) “The Little League, the
sewing
circle, the
scout
troop.”

ARCHER:
The turkeys died.

CHARLES:
“our blessed American spirit of cooperation.”

ARCHER:
The turkeys are dead.

BERNSTEIN:
I beg your pardon.

ARCHER:
The turkeys are dead.

TURKEY GUY:
No. No. The turkeys can’t be dead. (
He takes the phone
.) What do you mean the turkeys are …

ARCHER:
 … what did they die of?

TURKEY GUY:
(
To phone
) What did they … 
BIRD FLU
?

CHARLES:
Bird flu?

TURKEY GUY:
(
To phone
) They died of Bird Flu …? HOW COULD THEY GET BIRD FLU, WE’VE HAD THEM IN AN ISOLATION TANK SINCE BIRTH.

CHARLES:
(
To self
)… the Fucken turkeys died of Bird Flu.

TURKEY GUY:
(
To phone
) How … who, who, has anybody in the office been to
China
…

ARCHER:
(
Takes phone
) Okay, okay.…
Who
said it was Bird Flu?

CHARLES:
Who said it?

ARCHER:
The guy from Walter Reed.

CHARLES:
A “doctor”…?

ARCHER:
Yes, a doctor.

CHARLES:
Who did he say it to?

ARCHER:
He said it on national TV.

CHARLES:
 … Well,
that
sucks …

ARCHER:
The birds died on national TV, the doctor walked over, and said it was Bird Flu.

TURKEY GUY:
NO NO NO NO NO …

CHARLES:
What was the doctor doing there …?

TURKEY GUY:
(
To self
) The turkeys died.

ARCHER:
You sent for him because Bernstein was sneezing.

TURKEY GUY:
She was sneezing, and the other girl was sneezing and … 
WHAT IS THAT ABOUT YOUR NECK?

CHARLES:
An ancient Chinese amulet.

TURKEY GUY:
Where did you
get
it?

BERNSTEIN:
China.

CHARLES:
Yeah, she just came back from China.

TURKEY GUY:
YOU’VE GIVEN MY TURKEYS BIRD FLU
. You’ve killed my turkeys. (
Begins to weep
)

CHARLES:
Get him a fucken sedative.

(
ARCHER
walks
TURKEY GUY
to the door
.)

ARCHER:
Bernstein, you swine …

CHARLES:
(
To self
) The turkeys are dead.

ARCHER:
You traitor lesbian swine …

CHARLES:
Can I pardon the turkeys, though dead?

ARCHER:
What have you done?

CHARLES:
 … what has she done …

ARCHER:
She’s plunged this country into chaos.

CHARLES:
Will anybody still give me some money?

(
The
TURKEY GUY
reenters, obviously upset, and starts for the President
.)

TURKEY GUY:
You’ve Killed my Fucken Turkeys!!!

(
ARCHER
drags the
TURKEY GUY
from the room
.)

CHARLES:
(
To phone
) Could somebody please find the Secret Service? For the love of God. (
Hangs up phone;
to
BERNSTEIN
) You’ve plunged this country into chaos, Bernstein. (
ARCHER
reenters
.) Was this your intent …?

ARCHER:
 … and she’s cost us the election …

CHARLES:
Was this your intent? You’ve ground this country to a halt. JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD TO HAVE A LITTLE CHINESE BABY. YOU COULDN’T GET KNOCKED UP, IN THE BACKSEAT OF A CHEVY, NO. LIKE EVERY OTHER AMERICAN GIRL IN HISTORY. But, no, you’ve got to tritz off to “China” and bring back avian-borne
Bird Flu
, that scourge which will destroy civilization as we know it.

BERNSTEIN:
Sir …

CHARLES:
I’m very disappointed in you … (
The phone rings
.) Hello. Cathy. Yes. It’s
Bird Flu
. But: they’ll send a bus, to take us to the Hole in the Mountains … right Arch?

ARCHER:
If you win …

CHARLES:
What?

ARCHER:
You can stay in the Hole in the Mountains as long as you’re President.

CHARLES:
They take you to the Hole in the Mountains, as long as you’re President … They kick you
out of the Hole in the Mountains, when you’re
not
President?

ARCHER:
That is correct.

CHARLES:
That’s
cold.

(
DWIGHT GRACKLE
bursts in
.)

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
Where
is
he …?

CHARLES:
Now who the fuck are you?

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck am I? Look HERE: (
Shows pass
) That’s who
I
am. Who the fuck are
you?
Eurotrash.

CHARLES:
I’m the President of the United States.

(
ARCHER
looks at pass and translates for the President
.)

ARCHER:
“Dwight Grackle.”

CHARLES:
You know what?… where is my security?

ARCHER:
(
Looks at watch
) Coffee break.

CHARLES:
 … fucken civil service.

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
Chief Dwight Grackle, the incarnation of “Raven,” the trickster, messenger of DOOM.

CHARLES:
(
To phone
)… would you see if there’s anybody
out
there, who’s got a gun …?

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
Avenger of the Micmac Nation.

CHARLES:
Or a “fire hatchet” or something …? (
Hangs up phone
)

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
Fucken USURPER.

ARCHER:
Calm down.

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
Don’t tell me to calm down, for I have come for
blood
…

(
Phone rings
.
CHARLES
answers it
.)

CHARLES:
Cathy, I’ll have to call you back. (
Hangs up phone
)

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
I have come to avenge a debt of honor. Honor, you colonialist prick, but
you
…

CHARLES:
How’d you get in?

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
I have a pass. Sir? I have a pass, as if I
needed
a pass.

CHARLES:
 … everybody needs a pass. How’d he get a pass?

ARCHER:
You told the gate to
give
him a pass.

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
As if I
needed
a pass. To walk on this land.

CHARLES:
 … well.

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
As if I
needed
a pass.

CHARLES:
Well, you’ve
got
a pass, so what are you bitching about?

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
You maligned me and my people.

CHARLES:
Uh-huh.

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
And I’m gonna cut your fucken heart out and eat it in front of your dying eyes.

CHARLES:
Perhaps I spoke intemperately.

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
Your curse can only be expunged by blood.

CHARLES:
Hey, those are big words.

ARCHER:
He called
you
one, you called
him
one …

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
And he maligned the Treaty of Porcupine Cove.

CHARLES:
Archie
 … I believe we have a COPY OF THAT “treaty,” out in the outer office, would you.

ARCHER:
Abso … (
Starts to leave
)

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
NOT SO FRICKEN FAST.
And
he suggested my second wife be eaten by a walrus.

CHARLES:
Well, I’m sure that was traumatic. (
To phone
) … is there anybody out there with a big “ruler” or a cricket bat …

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
Too late.

(
DWIGHT
takes a long ceremonial-looking pipe from his jacket
.)

CHARLES:
I don’t
think
so, Dwight—as I
see
, after everything is said and done, man that you are, you’ve brought the peace pipe.

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
It’s not a peace pipe, dickwad. It’s a
blowpipe
fashioned from the never-cut first bough of the Rowan tree, wrapped with the hair of fifteen virgins.

CHARLES:
That’s swell …

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
And here’s the kicker, what is
this?
(Takes out a poison dart.) A poison dart, its point the tooth of a female otter, dipped in wolverine blood and fox semen.

CHARLES:
(
To phone
)… can anybody find a cop …?

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
And an irreversible mulberry-root toxin known only to the elders of my tribe. Prepare to die.

BERNSTEIN:
Don’t do it Dwight.

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
He has watered the land with the blood of my tribe.

BERNSTEIN:
No doubt. But Dwight … I’m going to ask you, Dwight, to listen to the voice of reason.

CHARLES:
You listen to the voice of reason, Dwight.

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
You stole my land with honeyed words.

BERNSTEIN:
He didn’t steal your land.

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
His ancestors.

CHARLES:
My ancestors came from Lithuania.

BERNSTEIN:
His ancestors came from Lithuania, Dwight.

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
The weapon, having been unsheathed, cries out for blood.

BERNSTEIN:
No, you can resheathe the weapon, Dwight; no harm’s been done—give it to me.

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
Stand back …

BERNSTEIN:
Give me the blowpipe, Dwight.

DWIGHT GRACKLE:
Each of us owes the gods a death. Pay up, you chucklehead.

BERNSTEIN:
Stop! He’s the leader of the Free World!

(
DWIGHT
puts the dart in the blowpipe and fires it
.
BERNSTEIN
interposes herself between the assassin and the President. The dart hits her and she falls. A pause
.)