November-Charlie (22 page)

“Thank you.”

“But I won’t abandon you.”

“You don’t have a choice. You don’t mind if we check the fuel together.”

“Don’t you trust me?”

“I don’t trust anyone.”

“Be my guest.”

Together they went below to the storage bulkheads by the cabins.

Staci was just crawling out of one of them.

“What are you doing, kiddo?” Jim asked.

“Secret food supply,” Staci replied.

“I’d forgotten about that,” Lou said.

“I’m missing something. Secret food supply?”

“Emergency, then,” Staci explained. “How else do you think we made the food last so long. Lou and I stockpiled it every chance we got.”

Jim checked the other bulkhead and showed Lou the fuel. “Is there enough?” she asked.

“Should be. We’ll need to use the sails as much as we can. It’s also going to get cold.”

“I packed my jumpers,” Lou told him.

“How does the food look?”

“Eight weeks if we are careful.”

Jim looked at his sister. “How do you fancy Kiribati, Stace?”

“Never heard of it. Where is it?”

“Oceania. A group of islands in the South Pacific. At least three weeks away.”

“Gives me three weeks to change Lou’s mind, then.”

“You won’t. Deefer and I will be fine on our own.” She turned and headed back towards the steps. “We need to figure out a way to get the crutches up and down somehow,” she said. “You can’t keep following me.”

“I’ll make more,” Jim said. “One pair for each deck.”

“That’d be good. Then I get my independence and you guys get your lives back.”

She paused by the steps and Jim took the crutches. “After you,” she said.

Jim went first and Lou hopped up after him. In the galley, she took some more painkillers and then went up the next flight of steps.

On the bridge, Jim gave her the crutches and they went to the chart table.

Lou showed him the course she’d worked out and Jim checked her figures.

“Very good,” he said. “You’ve learnt well.”

“I had a good teacher.”

Jim punched in the new course heading and brought
Avon
about. “You weren’t serious though, were you? About us leaving you there?”

“I’ve never been more serious. I’m just a waste of space. You’re better off without me.”

“You are not a waste of space. We need you.”

“You managed perfectly well without me once. You’ll do so again. Now about this rota. Are we going back to the original one or do you want to change it to give Staci a longer shift?”

“Don’t mind. It’s your shift now, anyway. Work one out and we’ll look at it later. I’m off to do lunch. Well, start it, anyway.”

~*~

Lou sat at the helm and opened the notebook. She spent a frustrating hour or so playing with the rota. She came up with two very different ones. The first was far too complicated. And the second would only work if Staci did the night shift. There was no way she could see Jim agreeing to that. Her gaze fell on the chart. She looked at Kiribati and realized that it straddled the International Date Line. Presumably, that meant that the whole country was ahead of them.

Deefer flopped down by her feet and went to sleep.

Lou looked at the rotas again. The original one was the best. So that’s what she would suggest.

Jim came in. “Hi. Lunch is ready.”

“Already?”

“Any joy with the shift rota?”

“No. Figured we stick to the original one.”

Jim nodded and they went down to the galley.

“I can tell Jim cooked lunch,” Staci said looking at it.

“What gives it away?” Jim asked.

“Beans on toast isn’t exactly cordon bleu.”

“It took hours of preparation,” Jim protested. “Opening tins is jolly hard work.”

“You wait,” Staci told him.

“I’m still waiting from the last time. You said that back in June. It’s now October.”

“Your time will come. Who’s doing the next shift?”

“You are, Stace. We are going back to the original rota.”

“That’s fine.”

They finished lunch and Staci went up to the bridge.

Jim went below to sleep for a while.

Lou limped out on deck with Deefer at her heels. It was cold outside, the wind making it feel colder. She shivered.

Deefer ran off across the deck as Lou made her way to the side of the boat. She leant on the edge and gazed out to sea. Tears stung her eyes. Her leg hurt despite the painkillers she had taken. Not that there were many of them left, so she’d have to ease up on them. It wouldn’t be easy persuading Jim and Staci to leave her behind, but it was for the best.

In time, they would realize that.

15

As the days passed they slipped back into the old routine.

Lou’s behavior was a constant source of worry for Jim. She wasn’t eating and spent as much time alone as she could. She was quiet and withdrawn, with the occasional violent mood swing, and Jim was afraid of what she might do. October became November with no sign of her coming out of it.

The passage of time had just strengthened her resolve to leave and go it alone. The infection had cleared up and the new skin was red, tight and mismatched. Lou left the dressings off as much as possible now and only wore the bottom splint. She had become quite adept at using the crutches.

Jim had made her a walking stick to try to encourage her to start putting weight on her left leg but she wouldn’t.

The further south they went, the warmer it became, but even though Jim and Staci lived in shorts and tee shirts, Lou wore nothing but baggy tops and leggings.

Deefer followed her around like a lost sheep. He too, seemed worried about his mistress. He could do nothing but be there for her.

Jim had checked the charts and decided that the largest island—Kiritimati—would be the best bet as it had an airport.

Lou had other ideas and had volunteered to do the whole of the night shift. She had changed course and increased speed. As a result, they were now a long way off course. She did it off her own bat, without discussing it.

Jim was incensed when he realized. He checked the chart and turned on her. “Are you trying to kill us all?” he yelled. “What is it with you these days?”

“Kiritimati’s too populated,” Lou said woodenly.

“For crying out loud, Lou. We need somewhere populated. We need food and fuel. We need the radio repaired. You have just taken us almost two hundred miles in the wrong direction.”

Staci came up to the bridge yawning. “What’s all the noise?” she asked sleepily.

“Lou has gone and done it again. She had taken us miles off course because Kiritimati is too crowded. She doesn’t care that we need the radio fixed. She doesn’t care about anything or anyone other than herself these days. She doesn’t care that this whole trip was to find Mum and Dad and every day we waste out here is a day longer they are lost. In fact,” he said looking icily at Lou, “I don’t know why I bothered wasting all that time saving your life. I should have left you to the shark.”

“I wish you had,” Lou said quietly.

“Sorry?” Jim said, thinking he’d misheard her.

“I said I wish you had. I don‘t need this.”

Jim turned to Staci. “Go and do breakfast, kiddo.”

Staci shot him a strange look, but caught the anger in his voice and left without arguing.

“I wish I was dead.”

“That won’t solve anything. Will it?”

“It would solve a lot of things,” Lou muttered listlessly.

“Like what? Name ten things that killing yourself would solve?”

Lou refused to meet his gaze. “I wouldn’t feel like this for a start. My leg wouldn’t hurt.”

“That’s two. I need eight more.”

“I can’t wear shorts anymore. I can’t walk. I’m tired of it. I can’t sleep. It hurts all the time. I can’t do this anymore, Jim. Any of it. I have had enough.” She checked them off on her fingers as she listed them. Tears rolled down her cheeks. “If I die then it will all be over. It won’t hurt anymore. It won’t be a struggle to get dressed or move. It takes so much effort just to get through each day. I can’t cope with anything. I don’t want to be a burden anymore.”

Jim hugged her tightly. “You aren’t a burden, Lou, no matter what you think. Once we get you to a doctor, they can stop your leg from hurting. Plastic surgery can sort out the scars. It’s all fixable.”

“But I’m not.”

“What do you mean? Talk to me.”

“Not here.”

Jim helped her down the steps to the galley. “Staci, can you watch the bridge? We’re going outside for a bit.”

“What about breakfast? I’ve just poured the tea.”

“We’ll take it with us.” He picked up the two mugs of tea and followed Lou out onto the deck.

They went to the front of the boat and sat on the box containing the remaining dinghy.

“Talk to me,” Jim said.

Lou put her crutches down and took her tea. She wrapped her hands round the mug. “I don’t know how,” she said. “Or where to start.”

“You said you weren’t fixable. What did you mean?”

Lou sighed and took a mouthful of tea. “I don’t feel anything. Not for you or Staci or Deefer. I just don’t care about anything anymore. That can’t be fixed. That’s why I have to leave. I have this heavy weight inside me that’s pulling me under. I’m too tired to fight anymore. I don’t know who I am.”

“That’s why you need us, Lou. All you have to do is let me in. I’m here.”

“I just want out. I can’t do this anymore.”

“I’m not expecting you to. Lou, you are feeling like this because you’re ill. You need help. But you have to take the first step by yourself. I can’t do that for you.” Jim held out his hand. “All you have to do is reach out. Just take the first step.”

“I can’t. There’s this voice inside me. It tells me how useless I am. If it takes over, I’ll be lost. That scares me, but at the same time it doesn‘t.”

“Being scared is normal. Look, you are my friend more than anything else. You are also family. We need you. There is always something in life worth hanging on to. We all doubt ourselves at times and have bad days, or months, but life is too full of options, choices and possibilities to be cut short. So you’re going through a rough patch right now. We all do, but life has many surprises both good and bad. You never know what’s round the next corner. You’re not alone. It may feel like it right now, but I’m here. I am not going to leave you.”

“It won’t change anything.”

“You are stronger than you think. You can do this. One small step.”

Lou looked at him.

He smiled and waved his hand at her. “Just reach out,” he said. “It’s as simple as that.”

Lou looked at her hand. Then she reached out and took hold of Jim’s hand. “OK.”

Jim set down his tea and set Lou’s next to it. He gathered her into his arms and held her. “I’m here,” he told her. “I’ll never leave you.” After a few, he smiled. “I’m starved. Coming to watch me eat?”

She nodded, walking inside with him.

Jim called “Breakfast.”

Staci went down to the galley. “Good. I was going to start without you. I’m starving.” She put the kettle on again.

Lou smiled at him and looked at Staci. “So long as you leave some for me.”

“So where are we headed then?” Staci asked. “You never did say?”

“The North Mariana Islands. They are further north and nearer the Philippines than Kiribati. That is, if Jim doesn’t object.”

“I have given up objecting. So long as we have food and fuel and we stop soon. OK?”

Lou nodded and Jim pulled out a stool for her. Sitting down, Lou buttered some bread.

Staci brought the tea over and breakfast became quite lively, with Lou joining in the conversation. After breakfast Lou yawned. “I might go to bed for a while. I’m tired.”

Jim shot her a quick look. “Will you be OK?” he asked gently.

“I’ll be fine,” she assured him. “Honest.”

“I’ll come check on you later,” he called as she hopped down the steps.

“I’ll be there.”

~*~

Lou felt as if she had begun to recover. She slowly started to eat and regain her strength. The pain in her leg reduced through exercise and regular meals to the point where she could cope with it. Although it never went away, she didn’t let it interfere with things anymore. She was still as fed up as she had been a few days before, but something pushed inside her. So instead of hiding away below decks, she would spend her time with the others, chatting and playing cards. She spent long hours on the deck in the sun, playing with Deefer, who was glad to have his mistress back again.

Staci was also glad to have Lou back and she told her so on many occasions.

On November fifteenth, Jim was sailing and the two girls were sat on the dinghy box.

Lou looked at Staci. “Isn’t it about time we got our own back on Jim?” she asked. “We promised we would in June and then again last month. He’s waited long enough.”

“True. But what to do?”

“Food. It has to be.”

They put their heads together and hatched a plan.

Staci went into the galley.

Lou joined Jim on the bridge. She was extra nice to him, which aroused his suspicions.

“What are you planning, Lou?”

“Nothing,” she said lightly.

“So why don’t I believe you?”

“I might just go help Staci with lunch. We’ll give you a shout when it’s ready.”

She hopped down the steps. Life was easier with a pair of crutches per deck. She left each pair by the steps so they were easy to get at. In the galley, she gave Staci the thumbs up and said, “I’ve come to help you with lunch. It smells lovely.”

“Fish in sauce,” Staci replied. “On a bed of rice. It won’t be long.”

They crashed around a few pans. “What’s for pudding?” Lou asked.

“I made a jelly.”

“What color?”

“Purple. Has to be purple.”

“Why?”

“It’s obligatory.”

Lou tasted the rice. “It’s cooked,” she said.

They dished up.

“It looks wonderful Staci. Jim, lunch is ready.”