Nova (35 page)

“I think we should take a break from each other, Nova,” he began. When he couldn’t stand the silence anymore (or my gaping, wounded stare) he added, “I just think we should go our separate ways for a while.”

When I finally felt capable of responding, I calmly as
ked, “And what are your reasons
?”

He took a couple of seconds before
saying,
“We kind of have different paths right now. I’m having a
hard time balancing things
and I think I just need some space.
I can’t focus on my career when I have all this stuff over here to think about, too. And y
ou’ll be heading a new direction too, right? I mean you’ve got your applications to send out, and you need to focus on that right now.”

I had yet to tell Austin that I was done with school after the spri
ng. He hadn’t wanted me to quit
and I didn’t want that to get in the way of him focusing on his career.

“Austin… I’ve chosen not to apply for school,” I finally told him. “It’s not what I want anymore.”

His
face kind of confused me; it
was almost expressionless. I had wondered if he’d always known my choice, but now I couldn’t tell if he did or not. After a long pause he said, “You need to apply, Nova. Even if you still decide not to
accept
, you need to apply.”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because it does, okay? It matters to me. When I met you, you were this career-bound young woman that had everything figured out. You knew what you wanted and how you needed to get it, and you’ve pushed f
orward without looking back
.”

“I didn’t have anything else in my life, Austin. That was something that I wanted to attain because I had nothing else. But things change. Goals change. I
’ve found something even better. I’m
happier.”

“Please, Nova… Tell me you’re not selling yourself short for me.”

“For us.”

“Same thing.”

“No it’s not. If it’s something that makes me happy, then why is it a bad thing?”

He paused for several seconds and then said, “Because it doesn’t make
me
happy. It’s not what I want right now.”

Was that Austin finally telling me that he was choosing racing over me? Was he finally saying it out loud? I really didn’t understand it. We were happy together; we
had the
best
relationship. I got along better with
him
than I ever had with anyone in my entire life. Even with the newest changes in the circumstances around us, I always felt that we could make anything work. But now…

“You’re saying you don’t want to have a relationship with me anymore?” I finally asked.

“An exclusive relationship. We’ll always be friends, Nova. But you’re free to date whomever you want, and you’re free to make any decisions without me.”

“Are you telling me that
you
want to date whomever you want? I mean I’m sure you get all kinds of women throwing themselves at you. Who wouldn’t want to shop around for a while?”

He scoffed. “I’m not interested in dating
anyone
right now. That’s kind of the point I’m trying to get across.”

“Then why can’t we just keep things the way they are, Austin? Don’t you have a little more freedom now that we’re apart? I mean you don’t even have to ‘check in’ with me about anything, okay? I
’ll give you the space you need
just…just don’t pull us apart,” I finished quietly.

“It’s the right thing to do at this point. I need to focus on my career.
I’m a part time driver right now and I want to earn at least a twenty-race season.
I’m sorry, Nova.
”

I hated crying, and even though I wasn’t to that point yet, I could feel it coming on. Already my heart
felt like it was being squeezed
and
my stomach was tied up in knots.
I kept trying to force down the lump in my throat, and my eye
s were fighting back tears.
I hated being in
such a
state,
but
instead of letting it break me down, I allowed it to make me mad.

“You’re a selfish jerk,” I finally s
aid. “I know what this is about
and I guess I saw it coming all along. You’re unbounded, right? You don’t like to be held down. As long as things are going your way, life is good. But the second it becomes difficult, and poor, free-spirited Austin gets held back, it’s time to make some changes. I’m actually surprised that you’ve lasted this long, but I guess there have been a few perks along the way, right?”

At first he was a little surprised by
my hostility, but then he seemed slightly sympathetic, or at the least, willing to be the peacemaker.
“This isn’t
about me having a carefree life
. It’s about making adjustments along the way. I do love you, and my life with you is great, but
if we’re to have any sort of future,
for now we need a little space to make our own decisions.
I think…I fell in love with you pretty fast. And even though it’s been amazing, and
you’re
amazing, I feel like I kind of let myself get swept away in it, you know? I think we just need to slow down so we can take a breath.
Both of us.
I’m just
…
choosing to let you go for a little while.”

The way he said that really got under my skin. It was like he had all the power in the world to make any decision he wanted. He thought he could let me go and then take me back whenever he felt like it.

“No, you can’t ‘let me go’, Austin, because I’m letting
you
go.”

H
e
seemed
surprised
again
, and then barely cracked a smile and said,
“Oh, yeah?”

“Yes. You need some time to sow your wild oats, maybe grow up a little.”

He slightly nodded and then said, “All right. I won’t argue with that. Can’t say that I’ll grow up any time soon, but I’d be happy to
live a reckless life for a while
.
That is what racing cars is all about, right?
”

I could feel my heart thundering in my chest, and even though I wanted it to be out of anger, I was completely crushed.
I wanted to take back everything that I’d said and plead for him to change his mind instead. I didn’t want to let him go, but I felt that it really was what he wanted, and I wasn’t going to start blubbering pathetically because he’d broken my heart.

“Okay, then,” I replied, barely nodding my head. “Have a great career, Austin. I hope you enjoy it, but most of all, I hope you stay safe.”

I had to walk away after that. I
left him by the fence at Field Four
and headed for the guesthouse. I did hear him say, “I love you, Nova,” but I continued to walk.

The second I shut the door
to the house
I started to cry. I barely made it to the stairs before I almost ran into Ben. I was borderline ticked that he had to see me in such a state for the second time, and I wanted to yell at him for it.

“Whoa, hang on,” he said, catching my arm before I ran up the stairs.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I mumbled.

He let me go, but I could feel him staring at me until I shut the door to my room.

I woke up the next morning knowing that Austin had already left for North Carolina. It h
urt, and it made me cry again. B
ut I also tried to rationalize the loss. I considered the possibility that maybe he was right; maybe we just needed some separation. Not just physically since we’d already experienced the long distance thing, but maybe emotionally.
Maybe he needed some time to realize that I’d always be there for him no matter what, and maybe I’d realize… Well, I don’t know what I was supposed to realize.

For the next week
I pushed along like any other. I really did seem to have extra time, just from
not being on the phone with Austin every day.
I was back to focusing on school
more
dutifully just to keep my mind occupied, and by the time I returned to the ranch again on Friday
morning,
I was ready to immerse myself in work again.

It was obvious that everyone knew
that Austin broke up with me
. I received several looks of pity throughout the day, and even an “I’m really sorry” from Jack.

“I don’t want to talk about it yet,” was all I replied, and he nodded his head.

I guess it was also uncomfortable being around Austin’s family, even though I could tell they tried not to make it weird. Dave didn’t treat me any differently around the barn, but
Marlo
expressed her sympathies when she saw me for the first time that day.

“I still want you to come over to the house just like you used to,” she told me. “There’s no reason to be a stranger to me just because yo
ur relationship with Austin has…
changed.”

I agreed with her at the time, especially because I felt like Austin was just going through a phase. It was my prediction (more like my
hope
) that he
’d snap out of his current mind
set and refocus his priorities. There was no need to cut myself off from his family just because he wanted to live it up in the racing world. I wanted things to be the same when he decided he’d had enough “freedom.”

I finished my Friday afternoon with some time spent on
my horse. He was out in Field Four
a lot the
se days, hanging out with
Down
a
nd Dirty and that clan. I sat on the top of the fence railing to socialize with the group for a little bit, sure to lock my feet under the railing below. I learned my lesson the first time I brought treats and sat on the fence, almost getting pushed right off of it because of curious noses.

I’d been sitting there for about ten minutes when a few of the horses brought their attention to something behind me, so I glanced over my shoulder to see
Ben approaching from the house.

He didn’t say anything at first
and just stopped at the fence to pet the first head that greeted him. It was Bad Whiskey, and after she received some of his attention,
Okey
Dokey
took a turn as well.

“How you feeling?” he finally asked.

I gave him a partial smile and replied, “You talking to me or the horses?”

He returned the smile and said, “You.”

With a shrug I answered, “Mm, I don’t know.”

“No?
Not at all?
You don’t know if you want to…scream at someone…or
break
something…or cry till the cows come home?”

“Hmm,” I
smiled
. “Yes to all three.”

“Wow, I’m in over my head.”

“Yeah, you should probably just stay out of it.”

“Yeah, probably.” There was a long silence between us and then he said, “So which of those things do you feel like doing first?”

I laughed and shook my head, but he really seemed to want an answer.

I
swung my legs around and hopped
off the fence
,
playfully glaring at
him with warning
. “Uh, maybe scream at someone or break something. You game for that?”

He pretended
to prepare himself for it, and then said, “Okay, but don’t mess up my beautiful face.”

“Really? I can hurt you?”

“Uh, maybe start screaming first and then possibly I’ll take a punch if you catch me off-guard.”

“Wow, you’re an awesome friend. You’d do that for me?”

“Yeah, if it’s the only way to make you feel better.”

I looked him over for a few seconds and then shook my head with a laugh. “Nah, no need to spread the misery.”

“So you’re miserable? Is that the official report?”

“Don’t go jumping to conclusions.”

“Oh, s
o that’s just to throw me off?”

I didn’t reply since I really didn’t know what to say. Ben was staring at me, maybe waiting for an answer, but it made me uncomfortable and I turned for the house. He didn’t try to stop me, so when I got to the bench on the back patio, I decided to sit down. Ben w
as still standing at the fence
facing me, having watched me make the decision to stay, so after a few seconds he followed me over and sat down next to me.

There were a few more seconds of silence before he finally
said,
“I left North Dakota because of a girl.”