Not My Type (16 page)

"Baby, I'm so fucking sorry I hurt
you. I was confused about what had happened, I felt like I used my
anger against you physically and that I was despicable for it. I
knew you must have hated me."

"Joe, I..."

"No, just listen. Before I went to the
gym that morning, I took all our stuff out of the closet not to
punish you, but to punish myself for ever taking out my anger on
you like that. I went to the gym to clear my head but we hadn't
slept, and I..I fell asleep on the couch in my office. I should
have called you, or left you a note, or even texted you to tell you
where I was. I can't imagine what you must have gone through that
night. We never did things like that to each other, so I can
understand why you must have thought I did it on purpose. But I
swear, I didn't."

"I thought you didn't love me anymore
because I wasn't strong. That you liked strong girls like the one
at the gym, instead of flabby old me."

"Sweetheart, no. The girl at the gym
was coming on to me, it's true, but I was literally heading out the
door to come home to you, so we could talk and work things out,
when you came in and saw her."

"That's what Jordan tried to tell me,
but I was hurt that you shut me out. And I was angry you took our
things without talking to me first. I was pissed as hell to find
that...woman...with her hands all over you, looking like she was
about to fuck you right there in the gym!"

The audience gasped at these details,
grasping instantly the enormity of the situation for the pair, but
the two didn't hear anything but the pounding of their own
hearts.

"Elsa Starling," he growled with mock
seriousness, "there's only one woman I've wanted to fuck since I
met you."

"Awww," Simon crooned from the
sidelines. Robin had gone to stand near him, Spike still in her
arms, to let the Elsa and Joe have some room. She elbowed him into
silence. She glanced at the cameraman with an inquisitive
expresssion; he nodded. Still rolling. Robin smiled.

"What about now, Joe? Do you still...I
mean, are you still upset about that night? Because I liked what we
did, even though it kind of hurt after, but it was between us and I
thought...well, I always thought that when we did...that...it was
our way of squaring things up. Instead of fighting. It made me feel
safe."

Joe closed his eyes against the flood
of emotions and the expression on her beautiful face. "God, I've
been so stupid."

"Amen to that," Robin said from her
position by Simon's side.

Joe heard and smiled at the lovely
lady from television land. He directed his attention back to the
woman standing so near and yet so far from him. Suddenly, he knew
just what to do.

Joe sank to his knees in front of the
woman he loved. "Elsa, I don't have the words to tell you how sorry
I am for all of this. If I hadn't been so stubborn, or if I'd only
listened to you, none of this would have gotten this far. I have
suffered, though, I swear it. These last couple of months without
you have been like a nightmare. Please, baby, please come back home
with me? I promise, if you let me, I'll spend the rest of my life
making it up to you."

He pulled her ring from his pocket,
sized smaller for her slender finger. She cried openly, nodding yes
and smiling stupidly at him as her words abandoned her. He leapt to
his feet and crushed her in his arms. Spike yapped shrilly and
wriggled from Robin's arms to careen about their feet. Joe's
massive shoulders shook and he cried into Elsa's hair, relieved
beyond measure she had agreed to give him another chance. Elsa
ruined Simon's careful makeup job. She didn't care. Neither did
Simon.

The audience and crew on the lot broke
into applause. Joe drew back slightly, only to capture Elsa's
delicate jaw in his hands and bring his lips down to hers,
relishing the taste of her after so many long days without. She
felt the kiss deep inside, gasping into his mouth as she was
flooded with desire. He felt her nipples tighten, through the
material of her bra, her shirt, and his shirt. He could not wait to
get her alone and...

"Ahem, guys...GUYS!" Martha's voice
cut through their passionate reunion. They broke apart, but only
marginally. Joe was never letting her go again. Maybe to use the
restroom. But that was it.

Martha smiled. "I'm glad you worked it
out. Frankly, doll, I was starting to worry about you. Only an
idiot lets a guy like Joe get away."

"Gee Martha, I thought you said he was
an oaf...I seem to recall you using the word 'oaf' and possibly
'dumbass' in the same sentence...," Elsa said
innocently.

"You're right. He was being a dumbass,
and an oaf. But we have a show to shoot here, people. Simon, fix
her face for crying out loud, Jesus, Elsa you've all but ruined
that blouse. Why on earth do I go through all this trouble, I have
no idea...here, I brought you some food so you won't pass out." Her
voice trailed off as she set out to find another shirt for Elsa,
who had indeed cried black mascara all over the white one she was
wearing.

Elsa grinned. Simon grinned. Robin
grinned. Joe scowled.

"Pass out? Are you sick? Did you not
eat? You haven't been eating, I can tell. Look at you. You have to
take care of yourself, babe."

Robin laughed. "Is he always such a
mother hen?"

"You have no idea," Elsa sighed as she
sat down on the couch. She put the plate of tidbits from Martha on
the set's coffee table and patted the seat next to her. "Come on
big guy. Come sit by me while Martha seeks a new
wardrobe."

He complied with a quickness. There
was nothing he wanted more than to be by her side. Robin perched on
the arm of the couch next to Elsa, making the thumbs up sign to the
cameraman to keep on rolling. He signaled back with an ok
sign.

"I'm here on the set with Elsa
Starling, and Joe...I'm sorry, who are you again?" she grinned at
Joe.

"Oh, shit, am I on t.v.?"

"Not really, we're recording
though."

"I really shouldn't be
here..."

"No, no. Stay a minute,
Joe...?"

"Malone," he supplied somewhat
grudingly. He so did not want to be on television.

"I'm here with Elsa Starling and Joe
Malone, though as you saw, some congratulations are in order. Elsa,
will you be planning the wedding around the cookbook release? It's
due out this October, right?"

"Thank you Robin," Elsa replied
smoothly. She saw what the elegant woman had done, and thanked her
silently. This was perfect. "Actually, Joe and I will be getting
married as soon as possible, long before 'Not My Type' comes
out."

"We are?" his big goofy grin did
nothing to conceal his happiness at the news. "Is that what you
named it, 'Not My Type'?"

She nodded. "That's clever, babe. As
long as you meant the diabetes and not me," he added.

"I meant the diabetes. Promise!" she
laughed, crossing her heart. She leaned in and kissed
him.

"Speaking of which,
here...have a bite." He picked up a cracker laden with cream cheese
and handed it to her.
Not the best
snack
, he thought,
but better than passing out on t.v.

"My diabetes is under control now,
thanks to a diet including the recipes in 'Not My Type' and the
hard work and dedication of this guy here," Elsa told Robin. "Joe's
a personal trainer and he helped me get into shape and lose the
weight. I don't even have to take my medication anymore; it's all
controlled with diet and exercise."

"Wait, you're off the medication? Then
why did Martha say you almost passed out earlier?"

She leaned in close to the man of her
dreams and whispered, "Baby was hungry...Daddy."

The last thing Elsa saw before she was
swept up in Joe's arms was the bat like ears of their dog on the
couch beside them and Robin Roberts' wide, delighted grin. Her
future husband, her destiny, rocked back and forth with her in his
arms and cried for the second time that day: this time, they were
tears of joy.

The End

Chicken Not Noodle
Soup

10 servings (or enough for a big giant man,
a girl on a diabetic diet, and a small bat-eared dog, with
leftovers for the next day)

Ingredients

• 2 rotisserie chicken breasts, cut into 1" cubes
  

• 1/2 cup chopped onion
  

• 1 clove of minced garlic
  

• 2 tbsp butter (real butter, not margarine)
  

• 1 celery stalk, diced
  

• 1 cup of diced carrots
  

• 4 cups of veggie broth or stock (low sodium)
  

• 4 cups of water
  

Directions

1. In a saucepan, over low heat, saute the
   garlic and onion in butter. I know it sounds rich but trust me.
   

2. Add celery to garlic and onion; sprinkle
   with salt and sweat veggies for a minute or two. (Sweat sounds
   gross in a recipe, doesn't it?)
   

3. Add carrots, veggie broth, and water. Simmer
   until carrots are tender.
   

4. Add rotisserie chicken and simmer for ten
   minutes.
   

5. Serve with diabetic-friendly breadsticks
   (recipe below).
   

I'd Kill for Some
Breadsticks

Makes enough for the three of us and
leftovers IF you can keep your hands off them until the next
day

Ingredients

• 1 packet of dry yeast
  

• 1 cup of warm water
  

• 1 Tbsp. of honey
  

• 1/2 tsp of salt
  

• 1 cup of whole wheat flour
  

• 1 1/2 cups of all-purpose flour
  

• 3/4 cup of grated cheddar cheese
  

Directions

1. In a large pan or bowl, sprinkle the yeast
   over 1/4 cup of the warm water, and set aside for a few minutes.
   You're waiting for the yeast to get all foamy. When it does, add
   the remaining water, honey, salt, whole wheat flour, and cheese,
   mixing well after each addition. Add in half of the all-purpose
   flour to form a stiff dough (stiff dough...sorry, I have a dirty
   mind). Add more of the flour if necessary.
   

2. Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured
   surface. Using the remaining flour, knead the dough until it is no
   longer sticky, incorporating as much flour as necessary. Knead the
   dough for 5 to 10 minutes until smooth and elastic. Or, if you're
   LAZY like me, do the whole thing in your KitchenAid, using the
   bread hook. SO MUCH EASIER.
   

3. Place the dough in a large bowl coated with
   cooking spray, and turn it to coat with the spray so it doesn't
   stick to the bowl. Trust me, you do not want it to stick to the
   bowl. Cover with a clean towel, and set it aside to rise in a warm
   place for about an hour, or until it has doubled in size.
   

4. Punch down the dough, and turn it out onto a
   lightly floured surface (punching dough helps get out your
   agressions). Divide the dough into 12 pieces (about 2 oz. each but
   who's counting). Roll into 6-inch-long bread sticks. Remember your
   childhood when you used playdough to make snakes? Kind of like
   that.
   

5. Place onto a baking sheet coated with
   cooking spray (I know, more spray). Cover with a clean towel.
   Again. Or the same towel, really your call. Set aside to rise in a
   warm place for 30 minutes. Again.
   

6. Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F. Bake for
   15 to 20 minutes, until the sticks look delicious. Transfer to a
   wire rack to cool, or serve immediately. I vote for serving
   immediately with Chicken Not Noodle Soup (above).
   

Meltdown
Cheesecake

Makes 9 servings. Seriously. Do not eat more
than one per day or your blood sugar will be angry.

Ingredients

• 3/4 cup finely ground pecans (which
  translates to 1 cup whole pecans; you're welcome)
  

• 1 (15 ounce) carton part-skim ricotta
  cheese
  

• 1 cup plain Greek yogurt (also delicious
  with a little honey for breakfast)
  

• 1 cup Splenda (how did we live without
  Splenda?)
  

• 1/2 cup fat-free liquid egg substitute (you
  can use real eggs too, about three whisked)
  

• 2 tablespoons soy flour
  

• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
  

• Zest (grated rind) of one small lemon
  

• 1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, at room
  temperature (I use Neufschatel cheese. Trust me)