Authors: LOUIS-FERDINAND CÉLINE
Tags: #Autobiographical fiction, #War Stories, #Historical Fiction, #Historical, #Biographical, #World War, #1939-1945, #1939-1945 - Fiction, #Fiction, #Literary, #Adventure stories, #War & Military, #General, #Picaresque literature
No change in that big laugh of his! but I see he's still armed! I'll say! two enormous Mausers! and three potato mashers! my turn to laugh! . . .
"You going to repulse them too?"
"Who?"
"The Russians . . . who else?"
"They're not very far, you know . . ."
He at least doesn't gild the pill . . .
"Where, do you think?"
"Ach,
their partisans? . . . pretty near . . . I dunk . . . maybe . . . I don't say no . . ."
Harras is scientific . . . he sees things as they are . . . no propaganda sauce . . .
"Where are, they now?"
"They must be at Frankfurt on the Oder!"
"The Russians?"
"Yes!"
Now I know . . . here we've got ringside seats . . . it's good to be informed . . . not only about typhus and cholera that don't get off the ground . . . about the Tartars too . . . Frankfurt's not far! . . .
"Harras, our book . . . you know . . ."
He doesn't remember . . . "
"The one we were going to write . . ."
"Oh yes! . . . oh yes!"
"Franco-German medicine!"
He remembers . . .
I didn't touch it! . . . not laziness, but never a minute! day or night!"
"I know . . . I know . . ."
"The files are right here . . . look! by the wall! those piles!"
The piles are trembling . . .
*
He looks at the files . . .
oh-ho-ho!
so funny! . . . ah, but I can play the wag too!
"Harm, the Russians'll be here soon! . . . we've got isbas for them! . . . we're prepared! and ladies in them!"
Which reminds me, time to go see them . . . I ask him to join me . . . sure, he'll be glad to . . . he won't find out anything new . . . he knows what happened better than I do . . . the funeral . . . the murders . . . he hasn't said anything, but he doesn't miss a trick . . . with that benevolent blasé air of his . . . well, maybe there's one thing he doesn't know . . . the cupboard . . . as long as we're in a joking mood, I'll bring it up . . .
"You know, Harras . . ."
Wasting my breath . . . he stops me . . .
"Of course! . . . of course! my poor friends! . . . necessity knows no law!"
He puts me at my ease! he even pleads our cause . . . we're to be pitied and that's that! . . . a deplorable situation! . . . yes indeed! followed by an enormous
oh-ho-ho!
we'd thought we'd emptied the cupboard . . . which proved our innocence . . . it's still full! . . . I don't believe it . . .
oh-ho,
he doesn't believe it! Harras goes in on his knees . . . his enormous ass with the crazy chameleon splotches . . . he pushes! a panel! . . . Christ! . . . bottles! what a haul! and hams and sausages! and four baskets of champagne! enough to stew whole hordes . . . the Russian Army can come! . . . the village people know something about it . . . Harras knows they know, he couldn't care less! . . . he's got six SA-men with him . . . or eight . . . what for? to guard the isba? . . . got to talk it over . . . first Kracht! . . . he calls him . . . I listen . . .
"Kracht! . . . watch your step, Kracht! . . . those
bibelforschers
are traitors, cowards, and pederasts . . . don't trust them! . . . send two SA-men! . . . if somebody comes out:
bzing!
a warning shot! . . . no nonsense! you understand? those
bibels
make fine coffins . . . see? . . . you get the drift?"
"Ja! . . . ja! Herr Oberarzt!"
"All this stuff now! . . . have somebody take it over to them!"
"All this" was at least twenty bottles of red wine . . . plus two baskets of Mum's . . . and three big hams . . . plus, incredible . . . dozens of jars of
foie gras!
and
pâté de canard
. . . enough to start a delicatessen!
"And no scrimping! I want them to eat it all! there'll be more tomorrow! . . . but they're not to go out! . . .
bang! bang!
you understand, Kracht?"
"Certainly, Herr Oberarzt!"
He turns to me . . . he's standing there solid as a rock with his big Mausers and his potato mashers and his binoculars . . . twice my size, I've told you . . . in spite of all the weight he'd lost . . . and all daubed and painted . . . his helmet, his coat, his, boots, green, yellow, and red . . . camouflage . . . the
bibels
are painted green, yellow, and red too . . . supposedly to make them easier to see from a distance! . . . try and make sense out of that one!
"My dear Destouches, another thing! the examining magistrate's been here, I'm told . . . the
Untersuchungsrichter!
ah, say that word! do me the favor!"
I say it . . .
"Oh-ho-ho!
you know his name?"
"No . . . no idea!"
"Ramke! you know what he did under Hindenburg?"
"Yes, the
Revizor
told me: he was a hairdresser . . ."
"Right! Gegnenstrasse . . . Meisterfrisör . . . the Danaë Parlor . . ."
"My dear Destouches, that's not all! enough trifling! time to administer! . . . you and I! a table! . . . two chairs! Nazi administration! . . . you'll see! Colleague, I'm going to compromise you! you'll be shot! . . . soon! . . . either by these! or by those! . . .
oh-ho-ho!
you're a 'wait-and-see-er'! aren't you? . . . and what's more, something of an 'alarmist'! . . .
oh-ho-ho!
. . . I'm good and sick of it! . . . and now to serious matters! . . . the table! . . . the table! . . . the time has come!"
I didn't see the table . . . the Ping-Pong table . . . buried . . . ah, a leg! one leg! . . . he grabs hold . . . and pulls it out . . . he's strong . . . and he plumps the table down! . . . I tell him how our two ladies, Thor Thorfels and Marie-Thérèse, had wanted to play Ping-Pong . . . like two kids! . . . but raised so much dust looking for the rackets that they'd had to drink . . . so much and no matter what that they'd vomited and collapsed into a deep sleep! . . .
"Not deep enough, colleague! not deep enough! I want them to sleep like babies! . . . indispensable! I see more convulsions . . ."
He's apprehensive . . . he's right . . . Kracht comes back from the isba . . .
"All delivered?"
"Everything
Herr Oberarzt!"
"Are they eating? . . . and drinking? Inge too? . . . and the little girl?"
The kid? . . . he hadn't noticed . . .
"The child must have milk! . . . lots of milk! . . . we have everything! . . . everything! . . . look in the cupboard, Kracht, I've opened the bottom . . . you a pharmacist! . . . not thinking of milk! . . .
Skandal!
. . . another
skandal!
. . .
oh-ho-ho!
. . . you'll see the cans . . . condensed milk . . . the best . . . no ersatz! . . . Swiss! . . . send 'em over ten cans! . . . but careful . . . we don't want the mother drinking it all! . . . or the others! . . . relatives in deep sorrow are, very keen on milk . . . especially Swiss condensed! . . . I'll go over myself! I know Inge Leiden . . . I know the Kretzers!
To our administration, colleague! let us administer! and classify these humans! . . . the species! what species? . . . both! your opinion, colleague! . . . no possible doubt:
homo deliquensis!
both of them! the Leidens and the Kretzers! congenital delinquents! . . . heredity! . . . capable of anything! . . . and here these two?"
He meant la Thor von Thorfels and Marie-Thérèse with their legs sprawled out in the curtains . . .
"Gentle old women, doddering drunkards . . . not dangerous . . . no! senile optimistic alcoholics! the others, yes! . . . you agree, Destouches?"
"Certainly, Harras!"
"Ah, we agree!"
"You, Kracht! . . . something else! . . . bring me Nicholas, the Russian! . . . when I think that I donated him to the farm! . . . I'm responsible . . . wounded in Orel. . . he was in my hospital . . . I treated him . . . I sent him here . . . a present to the von Leidens! ah, another matter! . . . still another! your two charming compatriots! I want to see them too!"
"Leonard? . . . and Joseph?"
"Exactly!"
I see he knows all about it, even if he was wherever he was . . .
"It won't take long, colleague! . . . you don't know our 'blitz' method . . . innovational! . . . of administration in depth! . . . oh, very simple! . . . very simple! you'll see! . . . really German! . . . philosophical-accelerated! . . . I'll show you . . . you'll see! . . . sit down! . . . absolutely Boche, cogitated and deliberate! but accelerated! formerly, the vanquished had their throats cut! . . . common knowledge! you know all that, colleague! . . . still the Russian system! . . . barbarism! . . . me! . . . you! tomorrow!
oh-ho-ho!"
A scream!
"Next stage . . . they stopped killing them! . . . slavery instead! . . . the Pyramids! . . . later, the galleys! . . . am I right?"
"Certainly, Harras!"
"Now comes our philosophical-accelerated Revolution! . . . no more slavery for the vanquished! in a moment you'll see and, I hope, admire . . . with your own eyes! . . . the National Socialist mystique! the murderers become commanders!"
He calls . . .
"Kracht, send us Joseph . . . and Leonard . . . and Nicholas!"
He asks me . . .
"All murderers! . . . aren't they, colleague?"
"It looks like it!"
"Send all three of them in, Kracht!"
Here they are . . .
"Ah, Kracht, an interpreter!"
Kracht thinks of everything . . . there's a
bibel
at the door . . . the interpreter . . .
Joseph and Léonard come in.,. not happy! . . . they look at the walls . . . and the floor . . . Nicholas looks us straight in the eye . . . he's suddenly woken up . . . Harras isn't talking to him . . .
"Léonard, you! listen to me!"
Léonard doesn't dare to look at us . . .
"Léonard, I need you! . . . I repeat: I need you!. . . but listen carefully! you know the barns . . . the farm . . . the silos . . . the animals! . . . Don't you, Leonard?"
Léonard nods, but doesn't say anything . . .
"Come on, come on! say yes!"
"Yes,
mon colonel!"
"Splendid! from now on you're the boss here! . . . the boss! in command of the cattle and personnel! you understand?"
"Yes,
mon colonel!"
"If anything goes wrong, you'll be shot!"
"Yes,
mon colonel!"
"Now you, Joseph! . . . you're in command of the Poles and prisoners! the garden and kitchen! . . . understand? . . . if anything goes wrong, you'll be hanged . . . understand, Joseph?"
"Oh yes,
Monsieur le Président!"
"No use trying to escape, the tank and the SA-men are staying here, you'll be caught! . . . very well! now you're bosses! . . . you, Léonard, I've got a job for you right away! I need eight cows! . . . a team of eight cows . . . understand?"
"How do you want them harnessed?"
"Your problem! but quick!"
Kracht catches on . . . harnessed to the big beet wagon . . . fine, but one complication . . . the cows'll have to be shod . . . Léonard knows all about it . . . shoes with "mitre joints" . . . Le Vig explains it to me . . . he's practically one of them . . . he was almost an agronomist at one time . . .
"Quick! . . . quick!"
The three of them push off . . . they take a "torch" . . . two "torches" . . . to work fast . . . it's going on eleven . . .
"And now, my good friends, to
our
work!"
What does he expect of us? . . . no let-up, I observe, in the traffic upstairs . . . Fortresses on Fortresses . . . over Berlin! what for? . . . if there's nothing left; he said so . . . clobbering all the same . . . you can tell by our walls . . . habit? routine? . . . no comment from me. . .
"That man! Suppose we go over and see him!"
The
Revizor's
groaning . . . at the other end of the room . . .
"Guten abend!
good evening! how are you?"
I introduce . . .
Reichsgesundheits
, etc. . .. the
Revizor
is most honored . . . he can't sit up . . . he's given up trying . . . but how he regrets! how he regrets!
"Nein! nein! bleibt!
don't move!"
I explain his fracture, and how we'd saved him in the nick of time . . . the prostitutes were going to finish him off . . . like the other one . . .
The other one?"
The
Rittmeister!"
He knew . . . he knew the exact circumstances . . . it amused him to hear me telling about it . . . I hadn't been able to do much for this fellow here . . . not equipped for it! . . .
"No, of course not!"
"Morphine . . ."
"Of course! of course!"
Two ccs . . ."
That won't be enough for tonight . . . plenty of excitement tonight! high-powered administration! . . . I'll appoint him director! . . . your battered
Revizor!
. . . yes, colleague! yes! Director of the
Dienstelle!
master after God! . . . he won't have to move, hell check the accounts! and the cash balance! . . . his obsession! . . . right here! . . . the others are taking a long trip! . . . nobody here to bother him!
"Kretzer?"
"Yes! . . . and Inge von Leiden!"
"And Countess Thor von Thorfels?"
"Oh, yes! all in the wagon! . . . it's all arranged! the way stations, have been notified . . . Rostock . . . Stettin . . . Danzig . . . Nazi administration! . . . high-powered and meticulous! philosophic-accelerated! you'll see, my dear colleague! . . . nothing left to chancel long-term planning! every detail! and Nicholas! . . . my prisoner Nicholas! . . .
oh-ho-ho!
. . . you know, I've told you . . . I gave him to the cripple. . . he threw the cripple in the manure . . . his good master! . . .
oh-ho-ho!
. . . perfectly normal! inhibition, liberation, shock! . . . you know! . . . shock reaction, perfectly normal! . . . Surgeon-General Goring, you'll meet him in a little while, has made a close study of Russian prisoners . . . he's described such cases . . . 'liberation, shock'!" . . .