NORMAL (30 page)

"All the same, thanks."

Dave interrupts us by coming up behind Lily and kissing her neck lewdly. It makes me uncomfortable, but I mentally shrug it off. She giggles and halfheartedly tries to push him away, but it's clear to me that they're just one more pair that will undoubtedly couple off for break.

"You ladies talking about me?" he slurs playfully.

"No!" Lily replies.

"We were just talking about break," I lie. Dave's eyes light up with excitement

"It's gonna be slammin'. Drinking all day, partying all night, you all in bikinis..." He sighs dramatically. "A dream come true." Something tells me he'll be seeing Lily in even less than a bikini. Me? Not so much.

I roll my eyes and excuse myself as I smoke my cigarette down to the filter and embrace it's calming effect. One cigarette a week, that is all I allow myself. Though in my internal negotiations I consider making additional allowances for vacations with friends - and several virtual strangers - that will undoubtedly include uncomfortable situations riddled with potential triggers for me.

I'm still on the same prescription bottle I got when I first moved here, and I still have seven pills left. I'm a little worried that this trip will require me to rely on them more than I've needed to as of late, but I've decided that the experience will be more positive than negative, and I'm truly looking forward to spending quality time with Carl and Tina, and perhaps now Lily too.

And, of course, Sam.

I put my cigarette out in an abandoned beer cup that's been used repeatedly for the same purpose, and head back into the house. I look around for Carl or Tina, but it's Sam I spot first.

He's standing in the far corner of the crowded living room, off on his own with one other person - a girl I've never seen before. Her long strawberry blonde hair hangs loosely down her back and her fair skin is almost luminous. Sam says something with a smirk and her head hangs back with laughter as she touches his chest. Sam smiles, pleased with her response.

Nausea unfurls in my gut. She is absolutely beautiful. And it's clear for anyone to see that she and Sam are something more than friends - more than he and I will ever be. Their exchange is intimate without being necessarily affectionate, at least not in public. I feel my heartbeat quicken, but I'm not panicking. No, this is nothing more than your average, run of the mill, common jealousy.

I know who she is without needing to be told.
Kendall.
His "regular" hook-up before she left for college. But she's home now, at least temporarily, and Sam seems pleased with this development.

In fact, he probably knew she'd be here. He was probably expecting her. They don't look like they're catching up; they've probably been in contact the whole time. I wonder if she hadn't gone away to school if they'd be in a relationship. Carl made it sound like they were never serious or exclusive, and I wonder why not, when they obviously have a real connection.

I feel a pang of pain slice through my heart and it's unfamiliar.

It was somehow easier to accept that Sam and I could only ever be friends before there was a beautiful girl hanging all over him right in front of me. One with whom he has a history - an intimate history.

I want another cigarette. Surely I can allow myself one more considering the extenuating circumstances.

I'm about to turn to go bum another one from Dave when I see Carl run over to them and hug Miss Beautiful like they're long lost friends. They fall easily into conversation and I'm even jealous of that. Of course she's friends with my closest girlfriend, and right now, I feel like I don't belong. Like I've just been a deficient, temporary stand-in for this stranger, and now that she's back, I don't have a place.  

I want to go home, but I don't want to make a big deal about it. I should just text Carl that I wasn't feeling well and couldn't find her to say
bye
. I pull out my phone and am about to head out and do just that when she spots me.

Damn.

"Rory! Come here," she calls from across the room.  

Sam follows her line of sight and we lock eyes. He smiles, and I force the fake smile I mastered for Cam's benefit when I was dating Robin. Sam frowns in response and I wonder if he can't see right through it just as Cam had.

With no other choice, I drag my feet to their corner, stopping to grab a beer on my way.

"Rory, this is Kendall. She graduated last year, she's at Northwestern now," Carl introduces.

I exaggerate my fake smile and murmur hello while I wonder if her being in Chicago is the reason she and Sam aren't an item. Chicago isn't more than a couple hours away by plane, surely if they wanted to make a go of a long distance relationship, they could have.

"Kendall and her older brother Randy were a big deal in Port Wood. He's at NYU now, isn't he?" she asks Kendall, who had rolled her eyes when Carl described her popularity. "That's where you're going, Rory, right?"

"Uh, yeah," I murmur.

"Ooh, maybe you can introduce her, Ken.
God
, Rory, Randy is so hot. We all had crushes on him freshman and sophomore year, you know, until he graduated," Carl explains.

Kendall smiles wryly, as if she's up to something, and I worry I might have another Chelsea on my hands. But of course, Chelsea lashed out at me because Sam didn't want her. Kendall doesn't have that problem.

"Carl, that is an inspired idea. Honestly, Rory, you're just his type, and he was just telling me how he'd love to meet someone and settle down," Kendall replies.

"Rory's not looking to date, she just got out of a relationship," Sam interrupts. I furrow my brow at him and he clams up.

"Uh, yeah, I'm a little young for all that settling down stuff, anyway," I murmur. Carl and Kendall both laugh.

"I didn't mean like marriage, I meant just to start taking someone seriously. But hey, if you're not looking for that, that's cool too. My brother's awesome, I'm sure he'd be happy to show you around campus, you know, as a friend. It's always good to know someone going into college."

"My cousin Thea goes there too, she can show Rory around," Sam interrupts again. "She's going to be in Miami for two days while we're there, I'll introduce you," he offers.

Kendall's smirk is back and I'm a little put off by the entire exchange. Does Sam think I can't handle interacting with men at all? That he's the only guy I can be friends with? Maybe that was true a few months ago, but I can't hide away from the opposite sex forever, I realize, and my feelings for Sam are clouding my judgment.

"Yeah, well I guess it can't hurt to know some people. Why don't you give me his number and maybe I'll call him when I'm in the city," I murmur with false confidence.

"Here, give me your phone, I'll add him to your contacts," she offers with a grin and I hand it over. In truth, I doubt I'll ever call him, but considering it, or
considering
considering it anyway, is a step in the right direction, I think. "Cap can vouch for him, they played football together for years," she murmurs as she programs her brother's number and hands me back my phone.  

Wait,
football?

Sam played football?

"So, Rory, I've heard a lot about you, I'm glad I got to meet you. Cap says you're from Florida, right?"

Sam is scowling, and he looks cute as hell like that too, but...
why has he never mentioned he's a football player?
I know it's come up. I think I even once ranted about how football players are over-privileged, self-important, asshole jocks...

"Yeah, northern Florida," I reply.

"Cool. Well, have a good time in Miami. Look out for my friends, will ya?" she says lightly, and teasingly musses Sam’s hair.
I want to touch that hair
.

"Uh, sure," I mutter, but then I turn to Sam, I can't help it, "you play football?" I ask quietly. He bristles, blinking at me, and it's Carl who replies.

"Duh, he's the star of the team. He's been the captain of every team since pee wee league, he's the freaking quarterback," Carl says with a laugh, "That's why everyone calls him
Cap
. Because of his last name and that he's been team Captain like four times," she explains.

This irks me deeply. Rationally I know that the fact that Sam plays the sport doesn't change who he is, but it's just one more thing he has in common with Robin to add to the list. Not to mention the fact that he played quarterback too and was the captain. And it can't be a coincidence that he's never brought it up. It doesn't make sense. Being the quarterback of the football team, the captain, the
star
... it's got to have been a significant part of his life, even if the season's over and he's not playing anymore.

"Oh," I reply as casually as I can manage. I don't want anyone to realize I'm upset, because frankly I'm not sure I have a right to be. I'm just a stupid, jealous girl who's surprised to find out she doesn't know her crush as well as she thought she did. I just want to leave.

"Anyway, I'm starving, we were just going to head to the diner for a late night snack, do you guys want to join us?" Kendall offers Carl and me. Why she would want us on her date with Sam, I can't imagine. If I were her, I'd want him all to myself, especially after being away from him for so long.

"I'm actually kinda tired, I was, um, about to leave anyway. It was nice to meet you," I say to Kendall as sincerely as I can manage. "See you," I add to Carl and Sam, and then turn on my heel before either of them can stop me.

I'm out the back door and around the side of the house before I can watch Sam and Kendall leave for their outing to the diner.

"Lookin' good, Pine," Marshall drunkenly calls out from the front of the house. I ignore him - and the wafting scent of pot smoke - and keep moving toward my car which I parked just up the street.

"Ror!"

It's Sam. He's out of breath, but I don't stop. Instead, I pick up pace. Maybe he'll think I didn't hear him.

"Rory, will you
wait?!
" he calls out, exasperated.

I stop, and still facing away from him, close my eyes and count backwards from ten.
Why did he follow me? Shouldn't he be with Kendall?

I can hear him jog up behind me and stop to catch his breath, he takes hold of my arm to get my attention, as if he didn't already have it.

"For such a
star athlete
I'd have thought you'd be in better shape," I spit, more maliciously that I'd intended, as I turn to face him. Sam winces and I feel instantly guilty. I take a deep breath and look down at my worn boots, contrite.

"I'll have you know that I am in impeccable shape," Sam replies defensively through an adorable pout, and I can't help but rake him with my gaze to confirm what I already know - he's in incredible shape. My eyes land back on my boots as I wait for him to explain why he's chased me out here when his girl is obviously waiting on him. "Will you look at me?" he asks, his words drowning in frustration. I meet his eyes, and they're beautiful, but turbulent with uncertainty - so very unlike him. "What's up? You okay?"

I shrug. "Why wouldn't I be?" I know it's a childish response, but right now I don't care. How I am is none of his business. I'm not his. He runs his fingers through his hair and I'm immediately assaulted with the image of Kendall playfully messing with it.

"I don't know, maybe that plastic smile you've had on all night? Something's off. Tell me, Ror, what's up with you?" he asks, and I'm momentarily stunned at how perceptive he is of my moods. It isn't the first time Sam's noticed I was upset about something while Carl and Tina hadn't a clue.

"Why didn't you tell me you're a football player?" I counter, steeling myself for this conversation. "I mean, I know I didn't ask. I know it's not like you lied or anything, but-"

"No, Rory, actually it is like I lied," he says carefully and I blink at him. Sam sighs. "I did. I lied. You know, you weren't exactly easy to get to know. Your trust in me was never more than tenuous at best, and you'd been pretty open about how you feel about football and football players in general... I didn't want to give you a reason to dislike me before you even got to know me," he explains with a shrug.

I'm astonished. He's right of course. If I'd learned he played football when we'd first met, I never would have given him a chance. I wouldn't have let him tutor me... we'd never have been friends.

"I never asked," I whisper, vaguely wondering why he's the one convincing me he lied and I'm the one defending him.

"Yeah, but every time it came up and I said nothing, I felt guilty as hell, Ror," he admits. "You mad?" he asks anxiously. The truth is I'm not mad. I'm just confused, and I don't know why Sam cares either way.

"Football players are a real bad trigger for me," I reply, my voice low and shaky, and I can't look at him.

"Well I'm not a football player anymore, am I? The season's been over for months, it's not like I'm playing in college," he qualifies.

I don't reply. Honestly, I don't care that he's some football star. General trigger or not, I'm standing out here alone in the dark night with him. If he were any other man, I'd be freaking out. If he were any other football player, I'd have hyperventilated by now.