Nocturnal (10 page)

Often, we had been partners in crime, she and I. Bonding over the shared secrets of my misdeeds, minor as they might be. A secret for just us girls. Most of the time I figured she did it because she didn't want him to have a heart attack at forty. He'd come close, and she'd even tried to get him on some anxiety medication. No such luck. He'd calmed down a little bit as I got older and stopped doing things like trying to fly off the porch, but since my mother had gotten cancer, he'd started the descent into craziness again.

To make up for my mistake, I was a good girl the rest of the morning. Finished my homework, the dishes after lunch, combed my mother's hair and made sure my father wasn't stressed because of me. I was the model daughter.

“I put something in your purse, just in case,” my mother whispers in my ear while Dad checks his email. I give her a quizzical look, and go to check my purse. Great. I have my very own can of pepperspray and a rape whistle. I almost laugh, but then remember the look on Peter's face as he tried to choke the life out of me. Not very funny at all.

Jamie texts me and offers to take me out to lunch at Miller's Diner to have dinner. I hadn't see him in a while, and I felt guilty about that so I said yes. Along with offering to pay, he also picks me up. It takes more effort than normal to haul myself into the truck. He looks like he's going to say something about how shitty I look, but then thinks better of it. I silently thank him by asking how his Saturday night was.

Miller's, the closest diner to Sussex with the best reputation, was the kind of place people had been going to for sixty years and where the only thing that ever changed were the prices to match inflation. We'd always order something horrible and fattening, drenched in butter or sauce or fried. Jamie always said he liked a girl who knew how to eat. I could definitely put it away.

Of course it's packed with the after-church crowd. There's a distinct smell of rose perfume and mothballs that emanates from a group of elderly women clustered with their husbands and families in the booths that line the restaurant. Miller's used to be a train car, so there's little room to maneuver along the aisles. Our waitress leads us to a booth in the back. The seats are cracked and repaired with Duct tape that doesn't match the green fake leather. It's all part of the Miller's charm. Neither of us bother to look at the menu. We've got it tattooed on our brains. I order a grilled cheese and a salad, but make up for it by getting fries. Jamie goes for the bacon cheeseburger with a milkshake. 

“You there?” he says after our waitress brings our food. I've been mostly absent from the conversation so far. I'm distracted. Also hoping he doesn't mention the scarf. 

“Yeah, sorry.” I shake my head, trying to clear it.

“You've been out of it lately.” He squirts ketchup all over his burger and fries. He'd eat ketchup on ice cream if it were socially acceptable.

I wave my hand. “Sorry. A lot on my mind.”

“You recovered from the party?” I reclaim the ketchup from him. He'd drained most of what was left in the bottle.

“It wasn't that bad, Jamie.” I glare at him. I can't believe he's still going on about that. Compared to the rest of my week, that was one of the tamest things I'd done. 

“It could have been.” He leans over the table, as if he's trying get his point across, but I'm not getting it.

“I wish you wouldn't worry about me so much.” I shift in my seat. The fact that he's so worried that I had a few too many drinks shows me just how ballistic he'd go if he actually knew everything. Well, I just can't tell him. Ever. Which totally sucks, because I hate keeping anything from him. 

“Then don't give me a reason. I know you enough to know that something is up with you, and that you don't want to tell me.” I think before I answer, swirling a fry in ketchup. 

“What if there is?” I say without looking him in the eye. Thing One and Thing Two.

“Then I want you to talk to me about it.” He hasn't touched his burger yet, which worries me more than anything else. Nothing gets in the way of Jamie and a good meal.

“What if I can't?” I pop a fry into my mouth, still not meeting his eyes. 

“That's what scares me.”

“Don't be scared. I'm fine.” I smile after I've finished chewing.

“I wish I could believe you.” He finally lifts his burger. Whew. I was getting really concerned there.

“You're not my father. You can't make my decisions for me.” It comes out harsher than I mean it to.

“I wish I could,” he snaps back. I'm glad he can't. My hand goes to the scarf for the millionth time.

“You've gone through a lot, with your mother and everything.” So has he with his father and everything.

“I'm fine.” Wash, rinse, repeat.

“Of course you are,” he sighs.

“What about Tex? You don't do this with her.” It is a valid point. 

“Tex can take care of herself.” The truth is Tex would tell him to go to hell and mind his own business. I'm more passive. He knows he can influence me more. I hate that he knows that.

“So can I. You need to stop treating me like some delicate flower, or some lost puppy that needs a home. I'm not.” I start ripping a fry into small pieces and throwing it in the ketchup. He takes tiny bites of his burger. The problem is that I kind of want someone to take care of me. Someone to hold me and take my mind off all the crap I can't control. Jamie's just not the one who can do that. And I'd never admit out loud that I even wanted it. So we're both out of luck.

“I know. I know.” We eat the rest of our food in silence, and don't get dessert. He pays after I put up a good fight for the check. He always wins.

“I don't want you to think that I don't think you can take care of yourself. You're strong. I know that. Can I help it if I worry?” He holds the truck door open and holds an arm out to boost me in.

“You could try harder.” I elbow him, which is more a punishment for me because his stomach is so hard.

“I will.” He pokes my nose and I try to bite his finger, but miss.  

***

The bruises are a purplish-green by Monday morning. I sigh as I wrap my scarf. I haven't been back to the cemetery. Not because of him hurting me, as much as I wanted to say that's what it was. Before that night, the cemetery had been a sanctuary. I wanted to feel like I was soaking up the eternal rest of everyone around me. Take my shoes off and let my feet sink into the grass and soak in the immortality around me. I'd never felt that death lingered there, or sadness. Only peace and remembrance. That had been broken for me, and I wanted it back. But I needed some time to recover before I went on another suicide mission. No one could take that place away from me. Not even him.

“Hey, are you okay? I feel like we left off on weird note yesterday.” Jamie finds me by my locker. I'd gotten to school super early due to waking up and not being able to get back to sleep. I hadn't been tardy in over a week. I was on a roll.

“Not weird. I'm fine.” I was going to say it over and over. Until it made sense, or I started to believe it.

“Try again,” he sighs, as if I'm being difficult on purpose.

“Seriously, I'm fine. Just because I don't text you every five seconds doesn't mean there's something wrong. You don't text me either, so what's wrong with you?” I jab my finger into his chest. Ouch. He tugs his ear twice. Uh oh. That's a Jamie-tell.

“Cassie.” That one word sums up so much. This is not going to be good. He leans up against my  locker and closes his eyes. 

“She back again?”

“Yeah.” Quickly, he looks around, making sure no one's eavesdropping. The hallway's empty since it's so early. “She's pregnant,” he whispers, leaning down so far I can smell his aftershave.

“Pregnant!” I slap my hand over my mouth like I'd just said fuck. Not what I was expecting. Not like it was out of left field, but still. No wonder he looks messed up. Cassie is Jamie's older screw-up of a sister who'd gotten kicked out of school and arrested. Twice.

“Don't say that so loud. She hasn't told my parents.” His eyes flick around to make sure no one overheard. We're good.

“She told you?” We're both leaning in, as if we're sharing a delicious piece of gossip. Not so much.

“I guessed.”

“How?”

“I could, you know... see it.” He gestures to his middle, as if he's tracing a basketball stuffed under his shirt.

“Who's the daddy?” It's really none of my business, but I kinda want to know.

“She doesn't know.” He tugs his ear again. 

“Awesome.” I see his face and try to curb my sarcasm. I should be more sensitive. 

“Just – don't tell anyone.”

“You've got my word of honor.” I put my hand over my heart. 

“Thanks, Ave. I can always count on you.” He pulls me in for a hug. One of the things I love about Jamie is he's such a good hugger. He isn't afraid to touch me. He doesn't try to scoop me up like a child. He just folds himself around me, pulling me into his chest where I can hear his heart. It's just not enough. I wish it was.

“I'm here. If you need anything.” I should have said this earlier, but at least I remember to say it.

“I know. Same goes for you,” he says in my ear.

“I know.” The words thrash behind my lips, and I clamp my mouth shut, biting my lips to keep them in. I can't let them out. I can't tell anyone else. My mother is going to die.

“You sure you're okay?”

“Yup.” Another smile. My fingers twist together, as tangled as my thoughts.

“I like your scarf. I meant to tell you yesterday.” He flicks it with one finger. I try not to look freaked out when he does it.

“Thanks, my aunt gave it to me.” I make sure it's covering everything it needs to cover. It's like a nervous tick now. Along with looking around every corner, expecting to see Peter.

Jamie's not the only one to notice the scarf. Tex grabs me on the way to lunch.

“What is with that scarf?” I jump back as she tries to take it off.

“What do you mean?” Her eyes narrow. Tex is always suspicious.

“You're not a scarf kind of girl. What's the story?”

“Aj gave it to me, and I haven't worn it. So I thought I would.” Simple enough. She studies me a second longer, and then relaxes. So do I.

“Copy that. At least she has amazing taste. My mother is always trying to get me into these weird beige things that I wouldn't be caught dead in. Speaking of her, when are we going shopping?” She picks at her neon green nail polish. Why she bothered, I'd never understood, but I hadn't seen her with nude nails in five years. Five seconds after she paints her nails, she's already smudged one. Ten seconds after that came the first chip. Seemed like a waste of time.

“Don't know. She's really busy with work.” Aj had adopted Tex as a surrogate niece. Sometimes I wondered if she liked Tex more than she liked me.

We both get into line and I buy a salad. Tex goes for the greasy-dripping pepperoni pizza. It looked disgusting, making me feel even more secure in the decision to be a vegetarian I'd made when I was ten after a school trip to a pig farm.

“Have you talked to Jamie?” I say as we find an empty table in the back corner behind a rusty pipe. I'm fishing to see if he's told her. I'm not sure I want to be the only one who knows about the Cassie situation. I've got too many secrets already.

“No, why?” Damn. Now I'm in trouble. I should have kept my mouth shut.

“Oh, no reason,” I say, poking at my salad. She tries to smack me in the arm, but I duck aside.

“You whore! Now you have to tell me.”

“It's nothing. Just forget I said anything.”

“Oh, believe me, I won't.” She's already on her phone, furiously texting. Perhaps it was sick, but I wanted them both distracted until my bruises faded. My stomach twists, and my conscience screams, but I ignore them both. Distracting my friends from my issues is so minor, it hardly matters. 

The List

I didn't have to work until Tuesday, so I go right home after school to find my very sunburned and bug-bitten mother knee-deep in dirt and weeds.

“You look like some sort of gardening goddess. All covered in dirt.” Her laugh rings out and she wipes her cheek, which only smears more dirt on it. I sit next to her, not minding that my jeans will be covered and my butt's going to get wet. Seeing her looking so healthy makes me feel better. 

I tell her about all the silly things from my day, about how they got rid of the chocolate chip cookies at lunch because they're unhealthy, the lacrosse team is going to States and Braden Chance got expelled for breaking into the Headmaster's office over the weekend and trying to destroy his computer. He'd succeeded in smashing the motherboard, but he'd forgotten about all the security cameras. Also that there was a back up computer. Idiot. 

“Need any help?” I say after I've yammered her ear off.

“Thanks,
ma fleur
, but I can manage. You could pull a few weeds, if you're so inclined. It's very satisfying.” It reminds me of when I was little and she'd take me out here and show me how to clean up the beds. Which things to pull and which to not pull. I'd ruined several of her bulbs by yanking them out, but she'd laughed and just put them back, telling tearful me that it wasn't anything that couldn't be fixed.

If only things were that easy now.

“How are you feeling?” I say, yanking out a weed. The soil is cold on my bare hands.

“Much better. Strong. For the first time in a long time.” Her cheeks are red, and not from make-up. She hasn't bothered with a wig, simply wrapped a bright kerchief around her head to keep warm. I like her better like this.

“Do you remember the bouquets I used to bring you?”

“With the roots still hanging off? Of course.” She pulls me close and gives me a hug. I inhale the cool scent of the earth that's all through her clothes. This is where she was meant to be. Out here, with the plants. Or in a room full of screaming kids. 

“How's your neck?”

“It's fine.” I pull down my scarf and show her. I'm still astounded she didn't freak out about someone hurting me. She smooths the initial flicker of horror like a crease from her skirt.