Nobody Likes Fairytale Pirates (10 page)

“Um…,” Ransom hesitated, unsure of
the question, “…nothing?”  She answered, sounding like she were unsure and
worried about failing a hidden test.  “’Rai?”  She asked, trying to make
certain she hadn’t missed anything and wanting him to clarify what the woman
was asking, just in case there were visual clues she couldn’t see.

Unfortunately, he had no idea
either and Uriah frowned, equally confused and trying to decide if there were
some deeper aspect to the question.  “She’s… blind.”  He tried, thinking maybe
the woman didn’t understand the concept and needed it explained to her or had
perhaps merely misheard his partner the first time.  “Like…”

“…blind.”  Ransom nodded as she
finished his sentence, obviously thinking that sufficiently drove the point
home.  “
Blind
blind.”

“But there’s got to be
something
,
right?”  The woman persisted, waving a hand in front of Ransom’s face.  “Like
shadows?”

“Nope.”  Ransom shook her head.

“Movement…”  The woman tried again,
certainty in her tone.

“Nope.”  Ransom repeated.

“But…”  The woman began.

“Blind.”  There was an edge of
annoyance to Ransom’s voice now as she interrupted, obviously sick of this
conversation. “Completely blind.  The absence of sight.  None at all.  Zip. 
Nada.  Zilch.  Nothing.”

“Huh.”  The woman frowned.  “Don’t
you wish you could see?”

“Don’t you wish you had X-ray
vision?”  Ransom’s eyebrow rose and she nodded.  “It’d be pretty cool, huh? 
Probably simplify some stuff in your life.  But does it gnaw at you that you
don’t have it?  Can’t you get by quite happily without it, since you have no
idea what X-ray vision would be like anyway?”

The woman considered that for a
moment, then beamed.  “Wow.  You are
such
an inspiration.”

Uriah and Ransom sighed in unison.

Great.  She was one of
those
.

The woman pressed a lollipop into
Ransom’s hand, like she was rewarding a small child for her good behavior.

Ransom held it perfectly still as
if in horror that the treat might somehow attack her.  “’Rai?”  There was a
note of panic in her tone and she took a small step away from the woman, in
case she was contagious or entirely insane.

“I’ve got nothing.”  He admitted,
wondering what on earth was wrong with this new woman.

“Did she just give me… fucking
candy
?” 
Ransom whispered, sounding both freaked out and confused by the gift.

“So it appears.”  He whispered
back.

“Why?”

“I have no idea.”  He shook his
head, then frowned slightly as a new idea occurred to him.  “But I didn’t get
any.  Which is unfair.”

“Wait
below
, Dory.”  Din bit
out at the strange woman, sounding annoyed.  “I need to talk to them.”

“Oh.”  Dory’s friendly smile
faded.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to bother you and your new friends.  I just
thought I’d…”

“
We don’t have time for this,
Dory!
”  Din pointed back to the interior of the ship, like he was issuing
an order to a disobedient pet.  “Give me a moment, please!”

Dory nodded, looking like a pretty flower
wilting beneath his anger.  “Okay.  I’ll just…”  She walked through the door. 
“I’ll wait for…”

Din pushed the door shut, closing
it in her face, cutting off her words.  The force of the door knocked her
backwards into the room and she let out a surprised little yelp as she staggered
and bumped into something inside.  Din ignored that and looked up at the sky,
visibly annoyed by her mere presence.

Uriah leaned down to whisper in his
partner’s ear.  “I would describe her as someone perpetually looking for guests
to invite to her tea party, Dove.  Early to mid-twenties.  Bubbling over with
enthusiasm.  Immaculate.  Conservatively dressed, to the point of being
ludicrous.  Born into money, but currently not overspending.  She is an indoor
flower, unaccustomed to toil.  The very picture of ladylike gentility and
effortless grace.”

His partner processed that for a
moment.  “So… you’re saying she’ll be easy to steal from then?”

“Exactly my thoughts, yes.”  He
glanced back at their employer.  “But something tells me we’re not the only
ones thinking that.  I’m guessing she’s our employer’s meal ticket.”

“Ah.”  Ransom nodded in
understanding.

“Now, where was I?”  Din asked
them, trying to get back on track. 

“I believe you were explaining that
you wanted to get underway, before you got distracted by our hostage and your
wife.”  Uriah supplied for him.  “And I naturally share your eagerness to
embark upon our quest for gold.”

“Yes, yes.”  Din nodded, a strange
look of mania passing over his face for an instant, obviously imaging the many
things his destined fortune could buy him.

Uriah leaned down to whisper to his
partner again.  “FYI: our client’s a lunatic.”

Ransom made an annoyed groan.  “
Again?
” 
She heaved a longsuffering sigh.  “Every goddamn time.”

Uriah’s pleasant smile never
wavered and he straightened to talk to Din again.  “Shall I take it that you
and your charming bride are ready to depart this kingdom and sail for pleasanter
waters?”

Din nodded.  “We make south, for
the Wasteland.”

“It’s a lovely honeymoon spot.” 
Uriah assured him humoringly.  “I think you’ll love it there.”

“It’s a shithole.”  Ransom told no
one in particular.  “It’s the part of the Grizzwood where all the maniacs go to
hide from the psychopaths.”

Uriah chuckled.  “While my homeland
is slightly to the north, yes, historically the Wastelanders have been our allies.”

“They’re the same people, Uriah.” 
She told him, like she was breaking hard news.  “Only
they
live in the
mountains and
you idiots
stumble around in the swamp.”

“We are entirely different
people.”  He leaned against one of the barrels on the deck, his full attention
on his partner.  “People only group us together because we share many of the
same cultural mores and traditions with the Wastelanders.”

“Like I said, they’re uncivilized
maniacs as well.”  She arched an eyebrow, obviously feeling that she’d just won
the argument.

Uriah couldn’t help but smile,
always loving it when his partner got smug and teasing.

Honestly, he also loved it when her
tone was dry and sarcastic as well.

Or when she was angry.

In fact, he just basically loved
all of her moods.  Each one of them was an absolute delight, allowing him to
witness different aspects of her fascinating little mind and beautiful face.

His partner was the most
entertaining thing he’d ever found in this world.

The door to the captain’s quarters
opened a crack and Dory’s meek voice sounded from the interior again.  “Din?” 
She called softly, obviously worried about interrupting her husband and being
yelled at again.  “Umm…”

“
What!?!
”  Din spun to glare
at the door with such intensity that it was like he was trying to set it on
fire using only the power of his mind.  “
WHAT
Dory!?!”

The woman slunk back another few
inches into the room, all but disappearing behind the door again.

“Huh.”  Ransom intoned calmly, as
if noticing something which made her come to a conclusion.

“Yep.”  Uriah agreed, sharing her unspoken
conclusion and already planning the many “accidents” which could soon befall
their client.  “But not now.”

“No, it’s not time for Red yet.” 
Ransom kept her voice low.  “First rule of piracy…

“…’
Gold first
.’”  They
chorused together, their voices a whisper but tinged with a newfound
expectation about this journey.

“I just… I just…”  Dory babbled
nervously, her voice a squeak.  “There’s just…”

“Out with it!”  Din ordered,
wrenching the door open.  “
WHAT!?!
”

Dory held out a letter to him with
a shaky hand.  “This… this came while you were gone.”  She said timidly.  “I’m
sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”  She repeated quickly.

Din stormed into the cabin,
grabbing the letter from her hands and beginning to read it.

The deck was silent for a moment.

“Maybe gold… after?”  Ransom
suggested.

“Maybe.”  Uriah agreed.  “But if
there is indeed a cave filled with gold, I’m just going to take it from him
either way, so it doesn’t really matter.”

“Was that ever in doubt?”  Ransom
sounded surprised.

“No, of course not.”

She nodded.  “First rule of
piracy…”  She began.

“’Never trust a pirate.’”  They
both chorused. 

“I’m a liar and a thief.”  He
shrugged.  “Honestly, he really should have known better.”

She tapped her fingertip against
her lip, as if thinking about something.  “From a certain point of view, it’s
really his own fault.”

“It is, it really is.”  His eyes
were now focused on Ransom’s lips, wondering if they were as soft as they
looked…  He shook his head to clear it.  “I…I wasn’t going to say it, but I
think you’re probably right.”

She held up her hand as if making
an important point.  “First rule of piracy…”

“…’never show a pirate your
treasure map.’”  He finished for her.  “In this case though, I plan to stay in
his employ just long enough to free his poor dear wife from his emotional
brutality.”

“And it has nothing to do with the
fact that we can’t pay for the crew required to get us to the Wasteland without
him.”  She humored.

“Ransom, you wound me.”  He adopted
a hurt tone.  “This is all about protecting our beloved new friend, ‘
Dory’
,”
he tried to keep the sarcasm from his tone as he said the name, “from being
crushed beneath the inconsiderate boot of that clod.”  He nodded, convincing
himself of the pure motives which guided his plan. 

“Have you ever noticed that there’s
a direct correlation between how pretty you think someone is and how willing
you are to help them?”  She arched an eyebrow, a teasing smile on her face.

“Well, it worked when I helped
you
,
didn’t it?”  He leaned against the railing beside her.  “I see no need to
abandon a winning system.”

She frowned slightly, apparently
surprised by the compliment for some reason.

“We’ll go along with them, steal
their gold,
then
make her a widow.”  He clapped his hands together,
satisfied with the plan.  “We’ll be doing her a favor.” 

She made an unconvinced sound.  “No
one does ‘humanitarianism’ like the Grizzwood folk.  There’s
nothing
they can’t make better with theft and murder.”

“Oh,
you’re
the one who
always wants to kill our clients.”  He rolled his eyes.  “I finally find one
that
I
want to kill and all of a sudden you’re acting like
you’re
the
nice one and
I’m
the cruel one.”

“I didn’t say not to kill him, I
said that…”

There was a soft groan at their
feet and they stopped their debate to look down at their hostage.

“Shit.”  Uriah made a face.  “I was
hoping he’d be out for longer.”

“Because you wanted to be at sea before
he came to, so that he couldn’t try to run?”

“No.”  He snorted.  “So I’d have a
few more minutes without him
talking
.”

“What… what’s going on?”  Ryle
blinked up at the sky for a moment, then slowly sat up, rubbing his head. 
“Where am…”  He trailed off when he saw them, his face looking disgusted. 
“Shit.”

“More people say that upon seeing
you than say ‘Hello’, Uriah.”  His partner told him dryly.  “Have you noticed
that?”

He chuckled in amusement.  “It’s
probably second only to…”

“
I’ll kill you, you asshole!
”
 They both chorused at once, parroting the familiar threat and then laughing in
unison.

Ryle began to stand up on unsteady
legs.  “Why have you abducted me
this time?
”

Uriah held up his hands to sooth
the boy.  “Now, now.  This is just all a giant misunderstanding.”

“How do you ‘misunderstand’ a
pirate pushing you down the stairs?”  Ransom wondered aloud.  “Seems pretty
straightforward to me.”

“Not helping, Dove.”  He didn’t
look away from Ryle.  “You’ll give the Swab the wrong idea.”

“So your argument is that you
didn’t
punch him in the face and push him down the stairs then?”  She inquired, her
voice one of mock confusion.  “Was it one of your enemies in cunning disguise
and that’s what’s giving him the wrong idea?”

“No, no.”  Ryle shook his head.  “I
think I’ve got the right idea about this!”  He pointed a finger at him.  “I’m
just your latest get rich quick scheme, aren’t I!?!”  He nodded, obviously
believing his own delusions.  “You’ve probably already sent your demands to my
sister Taylor, and…”  His voice took on an edge of panic. “Oh, god!  You
already have a ‘Ransom’!  You’re not going to start calling me ‘Hostage’ or
something, are you?!?”

“Why are all of our hostages always
so paranoid?”  Ransom asked in her calm monotone.

“I’ve often wondered the same
thing.”  Uriah shook his head in disgust, still feeling underappreciated by the
world.  “Their
rampant
anti-pirate hysteria and spiteful distrust are
the leading factors in why we’re always forced to kill them.”

“What do you want with me?”  Ryle
insisted, rubbing the back of his head and wincing when he touched the bruises. 
“You can’t just come into my kingdom and abduct me any time you feel like it,
you know.”

“
’Your’
kingdom?”  Ransom
arched a dubious eyebrow.

Uriah gestured at her with his thumb,
not taking his eyes off the boy.  “What she said.”

“Well, my
sister’s
kingdom.”  Ryle corrected, throwing out his arms.  “Whatever.  The point is
that you can’t do this!”