No Safeword: Matte - Happily Ever After (Safewords) (12 page)

Sam went back to work at the six week mark, though she drove her car instead of riding her bicycle, as she wasn’t up to steering a bike yet. She was exhausted in the evenings, but pushed herself to walk, work on range of motion, and power through the few strength-training exercises her physical therapist allowed. Ethan returned to his regular schedule at the dojo, but Sam wasn’t ready to go back just yet.

Ethan planned to take her out Friday evening after her first week back to work. However, she’d lost so much dexterity and range of motion, she couldn’t fix her hair the way she wanted, and in an atypical fit of rage she threw her brush into the mirror and shattered it.

Ethan rushed into the bathroom to find her collapsed on the floor in tears amongst the broken shards, and he gently lifted her naked body into his arms and carried her to the bedroom.

He didn’t let go as he sank to the carpeted floor with her still in his arms and said, “You’re finally crying, sweetheart. It’s okay, let it go. It’s okay to be pissed at the world right now.”

She couldn’t push him away, but didn’t want to cry on his shoulder, either. She choked on her tears when she tried to talk, and finally gave up and let it all out. Her body convulsed with each sob and she made terrible noises. Each movement made her chest and shoulder hurt, but she could do nothing about it.

When the tears finally subsided, Ethan shifted them so she was more comfortable in his lap, and she finally leaned into his warmth and borrowed his strength.

Neither said anything for a long time, but Sam finally muttered into his chest, “I’m sorry. I know you were looking forward to going out, but I don’t think I’m up for it.”

“I know, and it’s fine. Let me check you over to be sure you aren’t cut, and then how about we order pizza and find a movie to watch?”

It’d been eight days since he had lunch with Kirsten, but Ethan still hadn’t initiated sex. Sam thought it well past time for them to at least start fooling around, but he’d brushed her off the few times she’d tried to bring it up. He was the Dom and it was supposed to be his call, but he seemed to be waiting for her to let him know she was ready. She wasn’t actually sure she was up to it yet, but she thought she should be. Whether she was ready or not, she
wanted
to be, and that had to count for something.

She kissed his cheek and said, “Why don’t we order pizza and then take a bath together? Maybe we can even fool around?” 

When he realized what she was offering, his eyes turned serious. “Are you sure?”

“Honestly? No, but it’s past time we tried, I think.”

“I’m not convinced you’re ready, Sam.” He shook his head and sighed. “Or maybe I should say I’m not certain either of us is ready. I haven’t enjoyed watching your pain these past weeks, and even after talking to Kirsten I’m not sure I have it in me to give you more.”

Relieved they seemed to be on the same page and at least talking, she admitted, “To be honest, I don’t know for sure how I’ll react to more pain, either. Let’s go for vanilla and see what happens.”

He looked doubtful, which was pretty much the way she felt, too, but she said, “Look, we’ve cuddled and had lots of touch, but we need to
connect
.” She blew out a breath and said, “We’re newlyweds, dammit, I’m not letting him take this from us, too.”

He kissed her and gently helped her up.

“Stand still for me and let me look you over.”

She did, and he found a few tiny nicks he insisted needed alcohol. When he finished he tossed the cotton ball in the trash and said, “Okay, let’s order pizza and then maybe open some wine to drink during our bath?” He looked into the bathroom and added, “Why don’t you go down and order the pizza and find a movie for us to watch while we eat it, and I’ll grab the vacuum and clean up in the bathroom.”

Sam looked into the bathroom and her face heated with shame. The vacuum wasn’t going to pick up the big pieces. Ethan was trying to make it sound like no big deal, but glass was
everywhere
.

“No,” she said. “I made the mess, I should clean it up.”

Ethan’s face took on a no-nonsense look. “If you ever do it again, you’re damn straight you’ll clean it up, but I’ve got it now.” His voice softened. “You’re human, Sam. You’re allowed to lose control occasionally. Now, go order the pizza and figure out what we’re watching.”

“I already know what we’re watching. I’ll order the pizza and then I’ll help clean. Maybe I’m allowed to fall apart every once in a while, and I love you for wanting to take care of me, but I can’t let you clean up my mess by yourself.”

They talked companionably as they worked, with both wearing hiking boots and protective gloves.

“So, you’re ready for your first day back in court Monday?”

“I think so. If all goes well I may even try going to the dojo Tuesday afternoon for another first.”

“Your physical therapist cleared you for it?”

“He said no sparring yet, and I’ll have to adjust the katas to fit my range of motion, but he thought it would be good for me to train with my friends again.”

“I have to admit, it’ll be nice having you back. It isn’t the same without you.” He grinned. “You still haven’t told me what we’re watching tonight.”

“Oh, the first
Rocky
.”

Ethan smiled as if she were joking, then realized she was serious. “Any particular reason?”

“Yeah, but we’ll talk about it later.”

Before she’d gone back to work, Sam had watched all six
Rocky
movies back to back over three days while she kept moving in the workout room. She had an idea of something she wanted to do, a goal to strive towards, but she wanted to explain it to Ethan after they watched the first movie.

She wouldn’t make him sit through all six.

Ethan poured their wine once the pizza was gone and they were well into the movie. Sam took a small sip and considered how much she dared drink. She’d stopped taking pain pills at night unless she pushed harder than she should and hurt too much to fall asleep. However, she felt fine now, so a little wine shouldn’t be a problem.

She hadn’t had anything to drink since she’d been shot. Alcohol generally intensified whatever mood she was already in, so it was best to avoid it when she was upset or depressed. However, she understood Ethan’s intention of loosening them both up for sex, and hoped it worked.

They made comments on the movie as they watched, both positive and negative. Sam and Ethan could relate to some parts, but others were just ridiculous since they knew what it was like to truly train for a fight.

When Rocky made it to the top of the steps after his lengthy run through town, Sam paused the movie as he finished his air-punches and the music faded.

“I want something to work towards. A goal, so I can say, ‘
When I’ve done this, I’ve recovered
.”

“You want me to take you to Philadelphia, so you can run up the stairs? Maybe we can see the art museum while we’re there?”

Sam looked at him, momentarily speechless. Finally, she said, “That’s an art museum?”

“Yeah, it’s the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Why?”

She laughed. “Just a huge coincidence, I mapped out a route in town, a goal for me to run, and it’ll end at the Hunter Museum of Art.”

He smiled and caressed her cheek. “What’s the route?”

Sam detailed an almost five-mile run that would take her across two bridges and up four times as many steps as Rocky’s emotional route. “I want to leave the house and head towards the Veterans Bridge. I’ll cross it, run down Frazier, come back over the Market Street Bridge and circle around the aquarium to the Riverwalk.” She took a breath and continued, happy Ethan was letting her talk without interrupting. “Take the steps up to the Walnut Street Bridge, run up the hill, climb the steps up to the glass bridge, go across it to the Hunter, run to the top of the hill, and then climb on top of one of the horizontal pieces of that hideous pick-up-sticks-sculpture on the Museum’s front lawn and do handstand push-ups.”

He pushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “I was on board until the handstand push-ups. You don’t have to do them to be recovered.”

She shook her head and the hair went right back where it’d been. “I could do them before he shot me. I won’t be back to a hundred percent until I can do them again.” She hesitated and added, “When he’s telling Adrian how it feels the morning after the fight…I’ve felt like one big fucking wound for too long, and I need what he’s talking about, but when it’s
my choice
. I need to be a big walking wound the day after I’m victorious in an important fight, preferably with a huge audience because I want that energy behind it. I don’t know what arena or organization yet, because I don’t want to compete in the kung fu tournaments again. Maybe jiu-jitsu?” She shook her head. “I don’t know, I’ll need to research to figure out where I’m headed, but I need
something
to train for.” She took a breath and resolutely added, “I’m going to fight again.”

He sighed and pushed the same strand of hair out of her face again. “Stubborn-headed woman. Do you have any idea how much I love you?”

“Are you reminding yourself again?” She grinned.

“Maybe a little.” He rolled his eyes and returned her smile. “But mostly just making sure you know I love all of you, even when you’re being so hard on yourself.”

When the movie ended and they finally went upstairs, Sam drew water into the bathtub while Ethan went to his tablet. Within moments, romantic music was playing over the speakers in their bedroom and bathroom, and she looked at him questioningly as he stepped into the bathroom.

He shrugged and said, “I put together a playlist last weekend, with the idea we might try romance instead of kink, but then I wasn’t sure it was time, and...”

The knowledge he’d been battling with himself made her heart hurt. They both wanted this, and he’d always been protective of her.

“It’s okay,” she told him. “I’ve felt the same way. It may not be time yet, so if it doesn’t work we shouldn’t beat ourselves up. Okay?”

He pulled her to him and kissed her forehead. “Aren’t I supposed to be the one reassuring you?”

“No.” She shook her head. “You’ve always been in control of this part of our lives, and if it doesn’t work you’ll see it as your fault, but it won’t be. It won’t be anyone’s fault; it’ll just mean we tried too early.”

“Then maybe we should wait?”

She shook her head again, ignoring how it made her chest, shoulder, and back feel. “No. We have to try or we won’t know. Right?”

She poured some bath oil into the tub and he poured more wine into their glasses and settled the ice bin near enough to the tub he’d be able to pour refills.

Sam had expected they’d sit facing each other. The tub’s faucet was centered on the long side, which allowed two people to sit at either end comfortably, and it was usually how they started out when they bathed together. However, he sat first and motioned for her to sit between his legs.

She leaned against him and he wrapped his arms around her. They hadn’t been able to spoon in bed at night, and she thought she missed that most of all.

“How long do you think it’ll be before I can sleep on my side again?”

“I don’t know, Darlin’.” He ran his hands down her arms and rested them on her thighs. “I believe you should be focusing more on range of motion and strength training, but the surgeon still has your physical therapist holding back.”

She sighed and said, “The last ultra-sound didn’t show I was ready to go all out. He’ll do another in two weeks, and says he thinks the muscles will be healed enough by then, but we won’t know for sure until he takes a look.” She paused and asked, “Am I going to have to go through all of that stretching again before I can handle you in my backside?”

“I honestly don’t know.” He kissed the top of her head. “We’ll need to work you up to it again, but it shouldn’t take as long as it did the first time.”

“If Masterson weren’t dead, I think my focus during rehab would be to get strong enough to beat him to a bloody pulp.”

Ethan leaned down to kiss her temple this time. “You’d have to wait in line behind me, Darlin’.”

Sam took a breath and said what she’d been thinking for weeks, but had been afraid to ask. They needed to clear the air, though, so it was past time she brought it up. “If our roles were reversed, and I’d been warning you about someone and you’d ignored my warnings and almost died and left me, I’d be pissed at you for getting yourself shot.”

He stilled behind her. “I came so close to losing you, how can I be mad at you?”

“You aren’t mad
because
you came so close to losing me?”

Ethan turned the water off, and Sam turned the jets on with her good hand. She rubbed his right thigh beside her hip, to try to reassure him she could handle whatever he said.

To her surprise, his voice broke and he sounded as if were on the edge of tears as he said, “God help me, but yes, I am. I’ve tried to push it down because it’s wrong to be so angry at you for getting yourself hurt, but I want to ring your neck and scream and yell.”