No Other Darkness (31 page)

Connie Pryce wore the rain on her face like a veil.

Debbie said it was only right and proper that it rained. Funerals needed rain, she said, as if the earth was going to put up flowers. Perhaps it was; perhaps it would.

Connie’s coat was fire-engine red, the boys’ favourite, she said. Ron wore a black nylon mac over his suit. Fran Lennox looked frozen, wrapped in a sheepskin jacket. Everyone was in black, except Connie, and Marnie. Maybe she should have replaced one of the black suits she threw out after her parents’ funeral, but with Connie in her red coat it didn’t matter that Marnie wore grey. She had no trouble crying at this funeral. No one did.

The rain meant they all could weep, even the men.

Ron had come up to Marnie before the service. ‘I was wrong.’ He was gruff, apologetic. ‘When I called this a cold case, said we couldn’t do anything that mattered. We did. The boys are with their sister now, and their family has a place to come, to be with them. You were right. I just wanted to say that.’

Marnie had nodded, digging up a smile before the tears came.

Ed held her hand throughout. She was grateful for his body heat, hadn’t been able to get warm since coming out of the tunnels.

Adam was at the service, staying at the back of the church. When they filed out into the rain, he was standing under a tree, smoking, no one to tell him it was a nasty habit, to complain about the stink in his clothes. Marnie caught a glimpse of the child, Tia, crinkling her nose against the smell, refusing to hug him until he’d washed. ‘Daddy!’

Matt Reid was at the service with a minder; he’d volunteered for psychiatric treatment. The CPS was still deciding whether to charge him, and with what. Marnie hoped it wouldn’t come to that. Tim Welland was doing his best to talk the CPS down. Ed had offered himself as a witness in Matt’s defence.

The rain had wiped out Matt’s face. Beth held his arm, staying close. Her sister was taking care of Carmen and Tommy, but there was hope for his new family.

Marnie had to believe that.

Esther had stayed away. For Matt’s sake, she’d said.

She didn’t believe he would ever forgive her, or even that he should, but Marnie was holding on to the memory of his remorse in the tunnel, his realisation of the harm he’d done unthinkingly to Clancy, to a child in his care. He’d known a little of the darkness that had consumed Esther.

Marnie hoped he could forgive Esther, and himself, enough to find peace.

Ed pressed warmth into her hand. ‘My place or yours?’

She smiled at him, weak with gratitude. ‘Yours. Please.’

Sol was sleeping on the sofa when Noah got home, his face squashed by the pillow, profile smudged and soft as a child’s. Maybe Dan was right and this was Sol’s safe place now.

Noah was glad. If that was the case . . . he was glad.

He stood and watched Sol for a long time, grateful for the end of the day, and the end of this case. Glad of the fact that his family wasn’t broken, that his brother had come here when he needed help. Clancy Brand had been forced to run to strangers. Sol had run to Noah. He still didn’t know why, what Sol was hiding from, but perhaps it didn’t matter.

Sol cracked an eye open. ‘S’up, bro?’

‘Nothing . . . Go back to sleep.’

‘I was gonna cook.’ Sol swung his bare feet to the floor. ‘Dan said you had rice and shit . . . I do a mean risotto.’

‘All right. Let’s cook. But let’s do it at Mum’s. She could use a decent meal.’

Sol pulled a face. ‘For real?’ Then he grinned. ‘You’re doing the washing-up.’

‘Fine. I’m doing the washing-up.’

Sol reached for his bag, but Noah shook his head. ‘Stay, for a while. Or longer, if you’d like.’

‘You’re not kicking me out?’

‘I’m not kicking you out,’ Noah said. ‘You’re my brother. Stay as long as you want.’

Rain wipes the mirror from my window, washing my reflection clean.

I want to say, ‘It’s over,’ but I can’t.

Not quite. Not yet.

The truth takes up too much room in my mouth and its taste is strange, leaving splinters between my teeth, under my tongue.

I’m not Alison any longer.

I’m more, and less, than that.

Esther . . .

I’m trying to be Esther again.

The way she was before.

Matt’s wife, the mother of his children, loved and loving.

The boys are with Louisa now. Matt and Connie can visit whenever they want. If I stick with the pills, they say that I can visit too.

One day.

The rain won’t stop, but it’s soft, bringing the green scent of leaves through the glass, washing London clean.

I sit and watch it coming down, and I think of Matt standing by their graves, with the peace of the rain on his face.

Fred and Archie and Louisa and Matt.

All together. At last.

No Other Darkness
is a work of fiction, but I found the following to be particularly relevant and/or inspirational when I was writing and later editing the book:

• David Emson’s experience of PPP which appeared in an article by Lois Rogers, published in the
  Sunday Times
  , 13 January 2013
  
• The Joe Bingley Memorial Foundation, a charity which aims to help women and their families by raising awareness and providing help and information about postnatal depression: www.joebingleymemorialfoundation.org.uk
  
• Derelict London
  by Paul Talling, published by Random House, April 2008 (978-1-9052-1143-2)
  

For helping me to navigate the choppy ‘second novel’ seas, I’m indebted to my terrific agent, Jane Gregory, and her team. For her nerves of steel, I thank my brilliant editor, Vicki Mellor. Special thanks to Elizabeth Masters and Emily Griffin at Headline, and Emily Murdock Baker at Penguin.

For everything else, I thank my family. I could never have written a book about broken families had I not come from such a safe and happy one. The same goes for my friends, especially Anna, custodian of my sanity and Keeper of the Gin.

For the Max posse, Anne-Elisabeth, Becca, Claudia, Elaine and J – see what I did there?

For my daughter, Milly, whose courage every day amazes me – never stop being You.

To everyone who read
Someone Else’s Skin
and cheered for Marnie and Noah, and asked for more – my thanks, and here it is.

Looking for more?
Visit Penguin.com for more about this author and a complete list of their books.
Discover your next great read!