No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday: A Very Funny Romantic Novel (23 page)

“You want me to tell him that?”

“Yes.”

“This bloke says you need to compost your anger and be with her.”

“Tell the gay twat that none of his advertising bullshit is going to work now.”

“I assume you heard that. Again don’t take offence at the gay thing; he calls everyone gay when he’s pissed.”

“He is gay, you idiot,” Ben bellowed in the background.

“No, is he? Are you?” asked Braindead.

“Yes, but it is not exactly relevant at this moment is it?”

“It is if someone is calling you a gay twat when you are not. But now I know you are that’s fine.”

“Thank you, I think. Anyway, look you have to help me. We have to get Ben back here to be with Katy at the birth. She wants him I know she does. You have to help me persuade him. He’ll regret it for the rest of his life if he’s not there.”

“Why?” asked Braindead.

“Because… because of course he will. Because what if it really is his child and he misses the birth because he’s out getting pissed.”

“Ah but what if it isn’t? As he has actually been saying all day. What if it isn’t? What if he spends hours with a wailing woman for nothing, only to see someone else’s baby born? Man, there is no way I would do that, would you?”

“But, but, but it still could be his,” said Daniel, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He took another swig of brandy, this time straight from the bottle.

Come on Daniel, he said to himself. I do this all the time, this is my job. I have to sell people thoughts, ideas, images. I have to convince them that my opinion as a Creative Director is always right. I do this every day. Come on, think.

“Look Braindead. Tell him to imagine this tiny helpless pink little bundle has just arrived in the world looking for its father. Crying desperately because there is no-one there to hold him.”

“You want me to tell him that?”

“Yes, go on, you can do it.”

“Right, he’s now saying it will be small and pink and wanting its dad and you won’t be there.”

“Tell him to call its other bloody dad then.”

“Don’t think that was the right thing to say somehow?” said Braindead to Daniel.

“OK, just bear with me. Tell him to imagine a beautiful little girl who sings like an angel and dances like a butterfly and makes him so proud it makes him want to cry. Can he really walk away from that?”

“Are you sure you want me to tell him that?”

“Yep, go on and a bit more emotion this time?”

“Emotion? What, you want me to cry?”

“If you can, great.”

“Who is this guy?” Braindead said to Ben. “Anyway he says you’d be proud because she’s like an angel and a butterfly.”

“No, no, no,” said Daniel. “I said she sings like an angel and dances like a butterfly.”

“Look, I’m trying mate but you’re not really selling it are you. Have you ever met Ben? Angels and butterflies are not really his thing. Yours maybe, but not our Ben.”

“Right, right, yes you’re right. Not his thing. I am not thinking who my consumer is. Always bring it back to the consumer. I’m forgetting my fundamentals.”

“Look mate I’m sorry, you probably mean well but I don’t think this is really doing any good is it?”

“No, don’t hang up. Give me one more shot. Just hang on. I am thinking Ben now. What would it take? Come on, it’s coming, it’s coming. Got it. Are you ready Braindead?”

“Come on then but that’s it, no more after this.”

“Imagine in a few hours’ time the next great England striker could be born here in Leeds. Ben’s son playing for England. And how would Ben cope whenever he watched his son play in a match, knowing that he didn’t even bother to turn up at his debut appearance. Now he might not be Ben’s son and he might not play for England but then again he might and isn’t might enough?”

Braindead was silent at the end of the phone.

“Did you get that? Do you want me to say it again?” asked Daniel.

The next thing Daniel heard was Braindead literally shouting at Ben.

“Get your arse out of this pub and back to Katy. This might be your son coming and he might play for England one day and I want you to get me tickets if that happens. So stop worrying about what he might not be and start worrying about what he might be and get yourself back there.”

“Come on Braindead, that’s brilliant. I really like the shouting bit. Keep going,” urged Daniel.

“Keep going, I don’t know what else to say.”

“You’re doing great. Just tell him what you really think. Go on, speak from the heart, you know him best.”

“Right. OK,” said Braindead. There was a short silence before he spoke again. “And Ben, listen. Katy’s ace.”

“Beautiful, concise, to the point, wonderfully executed. Well done Braindead,” said Daniel raising his fist in victory.

“Is she really in labour?” suddenly Ben’s voice came to the phone.

“Well if she’s not she sure is doing a good impression. Look Ben, she knows what she did was wrong and she’s feels awful but you have to get here and see this. Don’t walk away now. Maybe later if you can’t work it out but not now. Not now you have got this far. She needs you. The baby needs you.”

“I’m in Edinburgh.”

“What?”

“In Edinburgh. Me and Braindead decided to throw a sickie and get up here early for a stag-do because I just couldn’t face anything.”

“OK, keep calm. This is a minor blip we can overcome. Think Daniel, think. Right I don’t think you’ll get a flight this late so I’m just checking on my Blackberry for train times. Give me a sec. OK, there’s a train at 12.30am and it gets into Leeds at…… just hang on. Jesus Christ, are you coming from the moon, it doesn’t get you in until 8.30am. Right put Braindead back on.”

“Yep.”

“Right I need you to listen carefully. You need to ask the barman to call a taxi firm and ask them if they’ll drive you and Ben back to Leeds tonight. You have half an hour to try and get someone to drive you but if no-one will you need to get to the station and catch the 12.30am train. Have you got that?”

“Yeah, why me and Ben?”

“Because you need to get the father of the next England Striker back here to see his baby born.”

“Oh yeah.”

“Now, don’t worry about the cost. We’ll sort that out when you get here. Just get back as quick as you can by whatever means. Call me when you are in a taxi or on the train OK?”

“Got it Danno.”

“It’s Daniel.”

“Yeah but I was being, you know, concise and to the point.”

“Just get him here and you can call me whatever you like.”

“What even something like Puff the Magic Danno?”

“Only if you’re here in less than five hours.”

“Well now you’ve laid down the challenge, we’ll see you in four.”

Chapter 21

7.12am

“I can’t believe you,” Katy said to Daniel through gritted teeth as she sat on a chair in the hall, her discomfort clearly visible via the white knuckles wrapped around the wooden arms.

“Shush, please don’t talk too loud,” said Daniel, who was slumped on the floor, his head resting on Katy’s hospital bag.

“Do you not think that I’m coping with enough without you having the mother of all hangovers?” said Katy, kicking the bag from under Daniel causing him to bang his head on the floor.

“Ow,” he yelled, pulling himself up and rubbing his head. “Was that necessary? Do you really think I could get through an entire night of you screeching and wailing without some medicinal aid? It’s hardly my fault that the only thing you had in the house was cheap brandy. And I’m telling you, when I see those bitches who answer the phone at the labour ward, I’m going to give them a piece of my mind. What do you have to do to make them understand that we had a crisis going on here and needed to be in hospital?”

“It wasn’t a crisis. Women go into labour every day,” said Katy, looking nervously at her watch.

“Not with me they don’t. I even told them if they didn’t help me I was a suicide risk, but they just laughed and told me to pull myself together.”

“Just go and take some paracetamol and while you’re at it bring me some,” said Katy, sensing pain rapidly approaching.

“Paracetamol? I’m not really thinking suicide Katy. You and the world need me,” said Daniel sincerely.

“For your hangover you idiot,” said Katy. “And for the torture I am going through. Go on quick; the taxi should be here any minute.”

7.30am

“Daniel, get out here now,” shouted Katy. “The taxi is here.”

“After you, you lovely, charming lady,” said Daniel as he emerged from the bathroom.

“Bag. Carry. You,” said Katy before she took a deep breath and started her painful descent down the stairs.

“So you think you’ll be in hospital a long time then?” Daniel asked from behind her.

“Hope not, why?” she puffed.

“This bag is bloody heavy. What the hell have you got in it?”

“Clothes for me and the baby and stuff for clearing up mess in general. Nappies, wipes, cotton wool, sanitary towels, bra pads, you know, that sort of thing.”

“Why do you insist on making this as difficult as possible for me? Such items should never be spoken of within my earshot. Mess is just so unsettling.”

Katy stopped at the bottom of the stairs and turned to face Daniel. “You are about to witness me giving birth. The messiest, most disgusting process you could ever be part of. If you don’t think you are man enough, let’s halt this pretence now and you can go back to bed whilst I face the most important and most difficult moment of my life all alone.” She stopped and her face screwed up in pain. “Aaaaaaaaaah. Christ another contraction. Aaaaaah, just get me into this damn taxi. Aaaaaaaaaah, and then go.”

Daniel and the taxi driver stared helplessly as she writhed in pain, grasping the stair rail as if her life depended on it.

“You lad, in that taxi now,” said the taxi driver gruffly when Katy’s contraction appeared to be calming down. “Come on, get a move on. If you’re man enough to do the necessary to make a baby, then you sure as hell are man enough to be there when it arrives. You young lads think you can run around like rampant rabbits and never have to face the consequences. Well today is consequence day so stop your moaning and get in.”

Daniel stared open-mouthed at the taxi driver then looked at Katy.

“You heard him, get in,” she said through clenched teeth.

Daniel reluctantly got into the cab followed by a panting Katy. He slammed shut the partition window between the driver and the passenger cabin.

“Good god, how can he not recognise that I am most definitely not one of those losers who go out every weekend, gets smashed and then shags anything that moves.”

“Sounds like you to me,” replied Katy, the puffing slowing down slightly.

“Love you too.”

“Likewise. Thanks for getting in the cab,” she said, leaning back slowly.

“The fact that he’s bigger and uglier than me had nothing to do with my decision.”

“Hasn’t he called you yet then?” asked Katy as Daniel got his phone out of his pocket.

“Who? No-one. What sorry?” he bumbled as he quickly stuffed it back in his pocket.

“The Strip-O-Gram? You keep checking your phone,” persisted Katy.

Right on cue the phone made four loud beeps from Daniel’s pocket.

“What’s he said?” asked Katy.

WILL BE AT LEEDS STATION AT 8.30AM. BIG KISS BRAINDEAD
read Daniel. He allowed himself a small sigh of relief.

“Er, he says he has to leave the flat and get to work. We’ll catch up later.”

Katy screwed up her face thinking that another contraction was coming but it appeared to be a false alarm.

“He has a job at this time in the morning?” she asked in an attempt to distract herself.

“Oh yes, very common you know with shift workers and farmers apparently.”

“Farmers?”

“Yeah, that’s right. Big demand for cow Strip-O-Grams whilst they’re milking you know. Really switches them on apparently. So anyway, how far off do you think you are now from the actual birth thing? Just so I know.”

“Who knows?” she said wearily, leaning over to rest her head on his shoulder. “They’ll tell me how far dilated I am, which should be an indication.”

“But it will still be a little while yet though? Like at least an hour?” said Daniel starting to feel anxious.

“Probably.”

“Good, good. Why don’t we talk about something else? Might relax you, slow you down a bit.”

“Tell me about this cow Strip-O-Gram. Is it for the cows or the farmer?” asked Katy sleepily.

“Well the farmer of course,” said Daniel rolling his eyes.

“Do they do it to music?”

“Katy, I have no idea, it’s just one of those weird new things OK. Why don’t we talk about something else?”

“Fine, you start.”

“So Katy. Who do you think I should call first after the baby has arrived?”

“Oh Daniel, I don’t know. I’m trying not to think about how I’ve screwed this whole thing up, and how my life is a mess, and then you go and say something like that and… my God here comes another contraction. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God… Danieeeeellll.”

“OK, OK, just be calm,” said Daniel, stroking her hand vigorously. “Let’s go back to Strip-O-Grams OK. Let’s just think what the most appropriate song would be for a stripping cow. Can you think about that? Can you focus on thinking up the all time, top five, cow stripping songs?”

Katy nodded, unable to speak.

“Right I want at least two before this contraction ends.”

7.45am

“I am telling you,
I’ll be the other woman
was a hit in the seventies for an American band called the Soul Children. My mother used to play it all the time,” Daniel argued as they approached the reception desk at the labour ward.

“You are making it up and in any case,
I’ll be the udder woman
sounds too disgusting to be in the top five,” replied Katy.

“Too disgusting. Are you serious? Says the woman who has just left a trail of something I do not want to encounter ever again dripping out of her trouser leg all the way down the corridor.”

“For the last time I’m in labour. It happens. Deal with it,” said Katy, falling heavily into a chair next to the desk.