No Matter What (105 page)

“Because you can’t leave me alone.”
 
He smiled too and she flung another cushion at him before climbing off him.

But he’d probably never spoken a truer word.
 
She
couldn’t
leave him alone.
 
She hadn’t really wanted to.
 
Over the past few years he’d been there for her when she’d needed him the most, and she’d needed him more than she’d needed anyone else.

After what had happened with Michael, she’d moved to their Malibu home in the hope that being by the beach could offer her the peace and escape that she’d so badly needed, but all it had done was bring back too many memories.
 
It had made her feel sad for what she’d lost and angry at what had happened and it hadn’t helped her get over Michael by staying there.
 
So she’d found a new beach house of her own, closer to Kenny, although that hadn’t been intentional, it had just been coincidence.

Her new home was right on the beach front, slightly smaller than the house she’d had with Michael but perfect for her.
 
It was her own private place, her haven, her hideaway and she’d fallen in love with it immediately with its calming colours and its incredible views.
 
And what better place for her son to grow up than on the beach?

But those first few months had been hard.
 
To just walk out of Michael’s life like that – the life she’d loved - had been something she’d had to do but it had still hurt like hell.
 
Then there were the questions she’d had to endure.
 
Everybody had wanted to know what had gone on, what Michael had done that was so bad it had made her want to cut him out of her life like she had, but she’d never told a soul what it was that had really happened.
 
She’d never told anyone, not even Kenny, what it was that had finally made her make that decision to leave and never go back.
 
For the sake of Ethan she hadn’t wanted anyone else to judge Michael.
 
Or to punish him.
 
She knew he’d be doing that to himself, anyway.
 
All they’d needed to know was that he’d been unfaithful, as had she.
 
The trust had gone therefore the relationship was over.
 
That was the statement she’d given to the media.
 
That was all anyone had needed to know.
 
The truth was nobody else’s business.
 
They could never find out what Michael had done - those few unforgivable minutes that had ended it all - because she knew that if they did, Reece would never forgive him.
 
He’d never speak to him again and she needed him and Martha, and everyone else around her, to be in contact with Michael for the sake of Ethan.
 
He needed to love his dad and to know that it was ok to be with him.
 
If the truth came out that could all disappear and Ethan didn’t deserve that.
 
Ethan needed his dad in his life.
 
Even if
she
never wanted to see him again.

Bobby had moved in with her at the beach house, along with Emma, who was now there on a permanent basis to help take care of Ethan, and
India
knew that without her little boy she’d have just given up.
 
He was her lifeline, her reason for moving forward but he was also a painful reminder of his father.
 
But Ethan had stopped her from just letting it all go, he’d made her realise that she had to pull herself together and start again, despite the fact it had hit her harder than she’d ever imagined it could.
 
She’d never cried so much, never cried for so long.
 
She’d lost weight because she’d just not eaten; she’d given up going out for a good few months because she hadn’t wanted to be around people.
 
Everybody had fussed around her and worried about her but at least, to her face, they’d eventually given up asking questions after a few months.
 
Although she knew that, behind her back, they all thought there was more to the break-up than she’d ever let on.
 
Her refusal to have anything to do with Michael had probably fuelled that, but she wasn’t going to change her mind.
 
She couldn’t see him.
 
It wasn’t that she just didn’t want to because of what he’d done, although that did play a big part in it.
 
She couldn’t see him because, if she did, she was scared she’d give in.
 
She was scared she’d take one look at him and her heart would rule over her head and she’d just want to go back to him when she knew that was the wrong thing to do.
 
She knew that could never happen.
 
So she’d had to stay away.
 
It was as clean a break as she could manage.
 
But because of their son he was always going to be there, even if she never spoke to him or saw him.
 
He was always going to be there.

For the sake of their baby they had joint custody but she’d never once spoken to him to talk over arrangements.
 
That, as with everything else to do with their split, was handled through a third party and, so far, Michael had complied with everything.
 
The divorce hadn’t been easy but at least it had been quick, and despite everything, she’d kept the name Walsh.
 
For some reason she just couldn’t let that go.

Ethan was taken and picked up from Michael’s by either Reece or Martha, Bobby or Emma.
 
She’d never once taken him herself, and Michael had never brought him back to
Malibu
.
 
The ties had been cut and she was getting used to it.
 
But even now, more than three years on, she still wasn’t over it.
 
She still wasn’t over
him
.
 
 
Not completely, and maybe she never would be.
 
It was just something she was learning to deal with.

She’d eventually thrown herself back into work and kept herself busy, slowly putting the past behind her and looking towards a new and brighter future with the only man she could really trust – her son.
 
She’d watched her baby grow up into a well adjusted and bright little boy, who’d just accepted the strange and all-over-the-place life he’d been born into, and as long as he was happy and safe and healthy she didn’t really care about anything else.

Despite what everyone else had thought would happen as soon as she left Michael, though, she hadn’t gone running straight to Kenny.
 
The papers, magazines and gossip columns had predicted she would but she hadn’t.
 
The official line they’d been given by
India
herself was that her marriage to Michael had ended because of an affair with Kenny so what else were they supposed to think?
 
But that hadn’t been the case.
 
He
was
her friend, however, and he
had
been there for her, and considering their history, it was inevitable that something was going to grow out of that, but she wasn’t sure what that was exactly.
 
She didn’t know if she loved him.
 
She couldn’t say that, because, in her heart, she was still in love with Michael, but Kenny was a big part of her life now, and she needed him there.

Ethan loved him, he adored him, and Kenny in turn was fantastic with him.
 
Her son may only be three years old but Kenny already had him his own little surf board and was determined to get him out there riding the waves at a young age.
 
And, of course, she wanted him to play soccer too.
 
In memory of his uncle Terry she wanted him to know the sport and to know that his uncle had been a wonderful man who would have adored him.
 
It was always at times of extreme emotion that she missed her brother so much more, and she’d missed him like crazy these past few years.

Despite his somewhat fractured family, though, Ethan was an amazing kid.
 
He was being brought up by his busy actress mum, his gay Godfather and his nanny, spending most of his first few years around movie sets and modelling shoots, but he’d grown into the most beautiful little boy with more than a hint of his daddy in him, which was the painful bit for
India
.
 
Every time she looked at Ethan she saw Michael.
 
He still had that same dark hair he’d had when he’d been born, his eyes were the most incredible blue, and he had the cutest American accent, which
India
loved.
 
But he looked so much like Michael it hurt.
 
So much like the man she would never forget.

He was a right little chatterbox too, always asking questions and always telling anyone who listened about the things he’d done and the things he wanted to do when he grew up.
 
Even at three years old he knew what he wanted, or he thought he did.
 
At the minute he wanted to be a rock star, which had been encouraged by Kenny and was fine with
India
.
 
He could be anything he wanted to be.
 
She just wanted him to be happy, and he was, despite his mum and dad living apart and not even speaking to one another.
 
He was the product of a
Hollywood
marriage.
 
His circumstances weren’t anything unusual.

He always told her about his stays with his daddy when he came home from visiting Michael and she’d listen, because deep down inside she wanted to hear about his life, wanted to know what he was doing.
 
She’d just never admit that to anyone.
 
He’d told her all about the new house Michael had, and how his bedroom was the best thing ever, and how his daddy took him on film sets and showed him how movies were made, but he’d never mentioned any other women where Michael was concerned.
 
And she’d never asked, he was only three years old, after all, but she knew Bobby had.

Bobby was fiercely protective of
India
now.
 
He’d watched her get used to a new life on her own, watched as she’d brought up Ethan to be the stable, polite and funny little boy that he was and he wanted to make sure of the people who came into his Godson’s life.
 
He’d made it his duty to keep a very close eye on that situation, so
India
knew that if any new women
had
been on the scene then Bobby would have known about it.
 
The only thing that worried her was how concerned she actually was that it could happen.
 
She shouldn’t be bothered, but she was.
 
Michael being with somebody else was something she just didn’t want to think about.

“I’ll go get him myself then,”
India
said, picking up toys from the floor and throwing them into a large toy box in the corner.

“He’s with Bobby, come on.
 
He’ll be fine for another few minutes.
 
Come over here.”

She turned to look at Kenny as he lay on her sofa, smiling as he sat there with that same self-assured look on his face that he’d always had.
 
He was forty-three years old now but the one thing
India
had always loved about Kenny was the fact he’d never conformed to age.
 
He still wore his hair slightly longer, still had the scruffy beard and that rock star look about him and he was still the most incredibly handsome man she’d ever laid eyes on.
 
They had the most complicated and misunderstood relationship that anyone could ever have but she couldn’t think of a life without him in it.

They didn’t live together.
 
India
wasn’t willing to make that commitment just yet.
 
They weren’t even in what you could call a “proper” relationship, but having said, that he stayed over most nights.
 
He shared her bed, they sometimes made love, and that suited her just fine right now.
 
She didn’t want or need anything serious and with Kenny it could be anything she wanted it to be.
 
She wanted it to be best friends with benefits.
 
Nothing more.
 
Not yet.
 
Despite what was written about them.

“If I come over there you’ll distract me again, Kenny, and we haven’t got time.”
 

She had to get Ethan ready for a night at Michael’s while they went to the premiere of
India
’s latest movie in
Los Angeles
.
 
She’d become the queen of romantic comedies in Hollywood over the years and they were something she loved doing, but this particular movie was a bit of a departure from all of that into a much darker role for her, the role of a tough L.A. cop who falls in love with a man she arrests for the murder of his wife.
 
Maybe it had been her state of mind at the time that had made her take on such a role but, whatever the reason, she was glad she had.
 
She hadn’t done a really serious movie for a while and she wanted to show people she could still do something other than comedy.
 
This role had also given her the outlet she’d badly needed to channel all the anger and aggression she’d kept bottled up inside into something positive.
 
She was really proud of what she’d done.
 
People were already talking about nominations and awards but
India
was just happy to have done something worth talking about other than the state of her private life.