No Boundaries (16 page)

“We received word—you’ll probably be notified too.” Melissa glanced at Gwen. “We need to talk. It can’t wait.”

“What’s going on?” Gwen couldn’t stand the suspense any longer, and her voice was hard with concern.

Andi looked at Gwen, uncertain what to say or do. Her new, perfect world had just been turned upside down, and she wasn’t ready. She had wanted to believe the past was behind her and that she was safe and could be happy again. But as she took in Melissa’s defeated look, she knew it had all been an illusion. She had been wrong to allow Gwen into her life. She had been wrong to bring another person into her dangerous, painful world.

Andi turned to Gwen. “Let’s go outside.”

Gwen nodded.

“Excuse us for a moment, Mel. I promise I’ll be right back.”

Andi led Gwen out onto the back porch, leaving Melissa alone in the house. Gwen followed without question.

“I know you don’t understand any of this, and I’m sorry, but I can’t explain everything right now. I need to ask you to give me some time. I have some things I need to talk to Melissa about. Some things I need to work through.”

“You keep saying that. What
things
? Why can’t you just tell me?”

Andi shook her head. There was too much to explain and she had run out of time.

“Gwen, please.”

“You want me to leave,” Gwen said, making it sound like a statement, not a question.

“Yes, for now. I’m sorry. Once I have a better idea what’s going on, I’ll explain everything.”

“Please, Andi, just tell me what all this is about.”

“I can’t right now. It isn’t easy to explain and it’s a long story. Please don’t make me do this now.”

Gwen could see the pain clouding Andi’s eyes, and she was desperate to understand. Andi was tying her hands, shutting her out. When Andi lifted a trembling hand to her face, Gwen felt her heart breaking. She wanted to put her arms around Andi and keep her safe, but that wasn’t what Andi was asking of her.

“I don’t want to leave you.” She kissed Andi’s lips and squeezed her trembling hand. “Whatever this is, I want to be here with you.”

Gwen placed her hands on the sides of Andi’s face and kissed her again. She felt as if a wall had suddenly been flung up between them, and she wanted to pound her fist against the surface, to scream for someone to tell her what was happening. She wanted Andi to let her in.

Andi’s fingers wrapped around Gwen’s wrists and pulled her hands away from her face. “I need you to go.” Andi’s eyes were filled with pain, and Gwen could see her resolve when she looked away, severing their connection. Gwen stood frozen, unable to believe what was happening. She felt Andi’s hand slip away, and without another word, Andi turned and went back inside, leaving Gwen standing alone, peering after her.

Andi stepped back into her living room after walking Gwen out. She felt like something inside her was dying, and she had to push her way back into the room, her body heavy with fear and loss and regret.

Melissa looked up at her, meeting her gaze. “I’m so sorry, Andi. I just didn’t want you to be alone when you found out. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“You’re here about Kevin James. I got the letter last week.”

Melissa nodded. “Yes. A parole hearing has been scheduled. They’re considering letting him out.”

It had only been four years since she had sat in a courtroom and told her horrific story of how Kevin James and Curtis Boyd had abducted her and Melissa. How she had been raped, Melissa beaten, and how Kevin James had tried to kill her. “How is that possible? It’s too soon.”

“I know. I thought the same thing. Nothing makes any sense to me. I’ve felt so confused since I got the letter.” Melissa’s voice was pained and her eyes were hollow and shadowed with haunted memories.

Hearing the pain in Melissa’s voice, Andi felt her barriers break. She crossed the room to where Melissa sat. “I’m sorry,” Andi whispered as she wrapped her arms around her.

Melissa let her head fall against Andi’s shoulder. Andi vacillated between fear and relief to finally have contact with the one person who understood her pain. The one person who knew what the nightmares were about.

They sat together for a long time, just holding each other. Finally Andi broke the silence.

“He wasn’t supposed to be eligible for parole for another ten years. Why do they want to let him out now?”

Melissa shrugged noncommittally. “Overcrowding, financial problems, who knows.” Melissa’s tone was flat and tired. “I’ve been trying to figure out an answer myself since receiving the notification of the hearing. But no matter how hard I try, nothing makes any sense.”

Tears flooded Andi’s vision, and she felt the familiar tightness in her throat as the memories of that terrible ordeal came flooding back. She felt Melissa’s arms tighten around her, rocking her gently back and forth, trying to soothe her. Andi placed a shaky hand against Melissa’s chest and pushed her away.

“Does Jimmy know?” Andi asked, looking into Melissa’s eyes.

Melissa gave a slight nod, looking away from Andi for the first time.

Andi noticed the change in Melissa’s posture and wondered again what else she was missing, what she didn’t know. She felt impotent and helpless as she watched Melissa struggle.

“She wanted to come with me, but I needed to see you first. I needed to tell you that Jimmy and I are…”

“Oh,” Andi whispered in understanding. Something settled inside her and some of her guilt was replaced with gratitude. “How long?”

Melissa looked up at Andi again, a new hope beginning to glow in her eyes.

“Two years.”

Andi smiled faintly. “That’s good.”

“Really?”

Andi smiled, genuinely happy for Melissa. “I saw how she was with you through the trial. I guess I just assumed you would…”

Melissa stared at her.

Andi had refused to see Melissa or anyone else that had been a part of the ordeal surrounding Curtis Boyd and Kevin James and the attacks. It had been over three years since she had last seen her friend. Andi had tried to shut out the past and in doing so had left Melissa to deal with her demons alone.

“I’m glad she was there for you.” Andi dropped her gaze and pulled away. “And I’m sorry I wasn’t.”

Andi tucked her hands securely under her thighs to hide the trembling.

“What can we do, Mel? I can’t go through this again. Not this soon. I’m just starting to get my life back together. I can’t let him destroy it all over again.”

Melissa stood and placed both hands on Andi’s shoulders and peered into her eyes. “Hey, slow down. We need to talk to Jimmy. She’ll have some ideas about what to do.”

Andi sighed in exasperation. “Okay. That sounds good.”

“In the meantime, I’ll do some digging and find out what’s going on. Just don’t panic. Just because they have a hearing, doesn’t mean he’ll get out. Just hang in there. We’ll figure this out.”

Andi still felt overwhelmed, but knowing she had Melissa’s and Jimmy’s help gave her hope. “Oh, Mel, I’ve missed you so much. I’m so sorry. I know this is hard for you too.”

Melissa shrugged and wiped tears off her cheek. “I’m okay. It helps to see you.” She dropped her head and looked at her shoes. “Most of the time, I just need to know you’re okay.”

“I understand. I really am so sorry, Mel. I just wasn’t strong enough to face it. I had to have some time.”

“I know.”

Andi’s head was spinning, and she felt like her life had been hijacked. She picked at her fingernails nervously and had worried a sore spot on the inside of her lip from biting it. When the silence seemed too much to handle, she clapped her hands on her knees and said with more strength than she felt, “Let’s call Jimmy. We need a plan.”

*

By eight o’clock that evening, Gwen was worried sick. She kept telling herself to give Andi some time and space, that she would talk when she was ready, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong.

The look on Andi’s face when she had seen Melissa Stuart at her door had been one of shocked terror. Whatever had happened in the past, Gwen knew Andi was scared, and she felt helpless and shut out.

She thought about what she knew about Andi. She knew she didn’t have any family, she owned her own business, stayed close to home, had few friends, and didn’t like to talk about herself. She had grown up in the care of the state as an orphan and had no sustained relationships from her childhood.

They had talked vaguely about growing up gay, their past relationships, and college days. But even those discussions had been guarded, and Andi had often changed the subject when Gwen’s questions became too personal. Andi’s vague responses and avoidance hadn’t seemed like a big deal at the time, but now took on new meaning.

Frustrated and worried, Gwen shook herself and decided it wouldn’t help to speculate about what was going on. She knew her imagination would likely be worse than the truth. She had no choice but to wait for Andi. She had called three times and gotten no answer. What else was left for her to do besides wait?

Her heart ached. Andi’s words came back to her over and over again, telling her it was over. Had Andi meant what she said? Did she really want to end their relationship?

Gwen cradled her head in her hands and rubbed her temples, trying to message the tension away before the headache could set in. She felt sick to her stomach and couldn’t sit still. She didn’t know how she could ever let Andi go. But how could she convince Andi to stay?

*

A persistent knocking roused Andi from sleep. She had been up most of the night, trying to get a grip on what was happening. When she had finally gone to bed at four in the morning, she had slept fitfully. The dreams were back with a vengeance.

The knocking continued. She climbed out of bed, pulled on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. She shuffled down the hall to the door.

“Who is it?” she asked cautiously.

She heard Gwen’s voice answer from the other side of the door. “Your secret admirer, of course.”

Andi closed her eyes and sighed, letting her head slump forward and rest on the cool wood of the door. She wasn’t ready to see Gwen, but she knew it wasn’t fair to avoid her either. Andi took a deep breath and let it out forcefully. Before she could change her mind, she opened the door.

Gwen swept past her into the room as soon as the door opened. “I brought brunch.” Gwen carried a small cooler and a small grocery bag into the kitchen.

Andi didn’t know what else to do, so she closed the door and followed Gwen. She took her usual seat at the island and watched Gwen unpack her treasures.

Gwen cheerfully put a plate in front of Andi and poured two mimosas. She piled fresh fruit and a sweet dipping sauce onto a plate and placed bagels into the toaster.

Despite her fear and anxiety, Andi thought the food looked and smelled good. There was something comforting about having Gwen here with her.

When the food was ready, Gwen sat down on the stool across from Andi and said in a sweet voice, “I missed you last night.” Before Andi could think to respond, Gwen continued, “Not that I can’t spend the night by myself. I’m a big girl, but the problem was that Zeek sat by the door most of the night whining. I think she was waiting for you. She wanted to come with me this morning, but I reminded her that Goliath didn’t like to share, and she decided to stay home and have me tell you she said hello.”

Andi smiled. She didn’t know what she had done to deserve such a wonderful woman in her life. Then her smile fell as she realized she had to let Gwen go. She couldn’t pretend the fairy tale was real any longer.

“That was smart of her, and very sweet,” Andi said in a small voice.

Gwen studied Andi. The corners of her mouth curled in a playful grin as she took a bite of bagel. “You look like shit.”

Andi scoffed. “Gee, thanks.”

“You look like you haven’t slept.”

“You’re right. I haven’t slept much.”

Gwen waited, but Andi didn’t elaborate.

Gwen let out her breath and her shoulders slumped forward. “If you won’t tell me what’s going on, tell me one thing. Did you ever see us going anywhere, or was this all just a game? Was I just someone to pass the time with?”

Andi was shocked by the question. She knew she had been sending mixed signals and she had told Gwen it was over, but she’d never wanted Gwen to feel unimportant to her.

“What? No, Gwen. It isn’t anything like that.”

“Really? It feels that way to me right now. I’ve been here before. That’s
my
story. I’m never good enough for the long run. I’m just a plaything that gets tossed aside when the new wears off.”

Andi couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Gwen was always so confident, so self-assured and gentle and kind and amazing. She couldn’t imagine anyone treating her this way. But hadn’t that been exactly what she had done? She’d brought Gwen into her life, and then abandoned her without trusting her with the truth. How did she expect Gwen to feel?

“Gwen, I’ve never felt that way about you. I tried to tell you from the beginning that my life was complicated. But this time with you has been more important to me than anything in my life. I wanted to believe it could last forever.”

Gwen looked up, and Andi could see the pain as if it were a physical wound. “I’m sorry I was weird yesterday, and for disappearing last week, and for hurting you the way I have. Some things have come up and I didn’t handle them very well. I wasn’t expecting Melissa to show up like that yesterday either. I needed some time to process a few things.”

“Are you in some kind of trouble, Andi? Is that why a police officer—”

“No, it isn’t anything like that. Melissa really is a friend.”

“I think it’s time you tell me what’s going on. I think I deserve that much.”

Andi closed her eyes for a moment and drew in a long deep breath. Gwen was right. Gwen had trusted her enough to expose her fears. It was time for her to do the same.

“Let me make us a drink and I’ll tell you everything.”

Andi led Gwen into the living room. She sat with her back against one corner of the couch, a pillow clutched in her arms and her knees drawn to her chest. A glass of white wine sat on the table untouched.

Gwen took the seat next to Andi and folded one knee up on the couch. Facing Andi, she wrapped her fingers around Andi’s hand. “Talk to me, Andi. What is it?”

Andi tried to find the right place to begin. It was important that Gwen understand how important she was to her. “We’ve only known each other for a couple of months, but I”—Andi’s voice broke off—“I feel things for you that I’ve never really felt for anyone before. This week I realized just how important you are to me. I never wanted to hurt you, Gwen. That’s part of the problem.”

Gwen pulled Andi’s hand from the pillow and laced their fingers together. She studied Andi intently.

“That’s why I have to tell you these things now. But I’m afraid you’ll…”

When Andi’s voice broke off, Gwen stroked her thumb across the back of her hand. “I’m here, Andi. You can tell me anything.”

“This won’t be easy for me, but I want you to hear me out before you say anything.”

Gwen nodded. “Okay.”

“Before moving here I had a completely different life. I used to work as an in-home therapist in a rural community about two or three hours from here. I used to see kids at school, juvenile detention, court, and I sometimes worked with the families in the home. A few years ago a case went terribly wrong. I uncovered severe physical and sexual abuse of two teenage children, and they were removed from the home. The father, who was the perpetrator, ran from the police. He became fixated on me because he blamed me for taking his kids. That’s how I met Melissa. She was a police officer in the town where I lived and she tried to protect me.”

Andi paused, trying to gather the strength to tell her story, thankful for Gwen’s patience. “When this man finally got to me, he went after Melissa as well. We didn’t know at the time that he was working with one of the police officers in the town where the abuse happened. They had some kind of child pornography ring going on, and with the ties to the police department, they had intimate knowledge of my location. They came after us one night while we were on our way to Melissa’s house. I had been going stir crazy and needed a break from the confines of my apartment. They managed to stage a car accident that pushed us off the road.”

Andi felt like a weight had settled on her chest making it difficult to breathe. “It was really bad. The cop, Kevin James, had it in for both of us—in a small town, you cross paths with everyone eventually. He hated Melissa because she’d once filed a harassment claim against him. And he had it in for me because I had rebuffed his advances and because I was a lesbian. Kevin James beat Melissa and then made her watch when it was my turn. The father of the two children, Cutis Boyd, had me. He beat me and then forced me…” Andi’s voice quavered and she could hardly form the words she needed to describe that horrible night. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to focus on pulling air into her lungs.