Nights Like This (23 page)

I decided I had to call Anjali. I had kept my phone off the entire time I had been in Philly. I don't know why I had done such a stupid thing but I had. I felt guilty as I imagined her trying to call me. She must have tried to call. Why had I shut off my phone? I sipped my coffee and squinted with concentration trying to remember exactly why I had turned it off.

“What's the matter?” Vanessa asked.

“Nothing at all. Just relaxing.”

“Listen, I'm not saying you won't be a bestseller or whatever the fuck it is you want to be. I'm just saying I don't think the world will collapse or stop because you finally came out.”

“I am out,” I said.

Vanessa laughed so hard that she snorted.

“What?” I asked.

“Jess, you live in a fucking bubble.”

I went back to thoughts of Anjali. I thought of how different she was from Vanessa. I reached in my pocket for my phone and realized it wasn't there. I had left it at the hotel. Why had I shut it off to begin with?

I had shut it off because I had not wanted anything to disturb my time with Vanessa. That's right. That was what had happened. I had not wanted Anjali to be the reason Vanessa and I didn't get along. I felt foolish now, thinking back. I mean her phone was on and I had had the pleasure of speaking to Danny. Maybe if she had had the pleasure of speaking to Anjali, our entire time together would have been different.

“I'm going back to the hotel,” I said.

“You mean you want to go back to the hotel?” Vanessa asked.

She was smiling at me. As I looked at glints of Philadelphia sunshine playing with her brown eyes, I wondered if she knew that she could melt all my intentions with a smile. Her words still stung but when she smiled at me, all I saw was Vanessa, all I desired was Vanessa and all I could see before me was Vanessa. I looked from her eyes to the bridge of her nose to her lips. I could not imagine not having her in my life. What was the worst that could happen, that we continued a dance that we had already started? Well then, I guess escapes to Philly and random nights in her village walk up were going to have to suffice. I would not banish her from my life because circumstances and situations were not in my favor. But I had to call Anjali.

“Vanessa, just forget this morning,” I said. “Let's just take it one day at a time. You have Danny, I have An-her. Let's just see what we're going to do, okay?”

“That's what I planned on doing all along, babe. But you know what?”

“What?”

“You can say her fucking name, Jess! Seriously. Now I want to know. What is her name?”

“It doesn't matter.”

“Well I'm not moving until you say her name.”

Vanessa was smiling and laughing all at the same time. It released so much of the morning anguish for me and I started laughing as well.

“You want to go?” I asked.

“What's the rush?” she asked.

“It's hot. And I forgot my phone and I have to call Anjali today. I haven't talked to her at all.”

Vanessa pretended she was falling off the bench and gripped the side to steady herself.

“Hold on, hold on. First, thank you for finally saying her name. It's beautiful, actually. Second…you mean to tell me the sugar mommy hasn't called you for all these days? There is no fucking way!”

“I turned my phone off when I left the house,” I said as my stomach somersaulted at the thought of the messages I was about to hear.

“That makes sense. You probably have a million fucking messages. She's going to devour you when you get home.”

“I would rather not think about it. Let's go.”

She took my coffee and threw both our cups out for us. We drove back to the hotel with the top down, in silence. I don't know what she was thinking of but my stomach was starting to feel uneasy with the thought of a slew of messages from Anjali asking why I wasn't calling her. She had, after all, paid for this trip. She thought I was at a conference, writing my heart onto paper. If there was ever a time where I felt guilty, it was then, riding back towards tarmac and thunderstorms past. I wondered what wrong Anja

 

 

 

I sat on the bed and took in a deep breath then breathed out. I didn't want to hear Anjali's messages of desperation. As I pressed the power button to my phone, I could feel and hear my heart beating faster. Such drama there was in loving women.

There were three messages on my phone. I listened cautiously. The first was from Alex, a classmate in my MCAT study class who was wondering why I hadn't come to class. The second was Penelope, a girl from LA I had met at a party and slept with a few months back. She was back in town and wanted to know if I was interested. The third was Ish asking where the fuck I was and what was I doing.

I hung up the phone and was very confused. But I also felt as if something was not right. Anjali could never go that long without calling me. I knew that. And Ish was the last person to ever call me. I knew that too. In fact, Ish had never in all the time I had known her ever called me for anything. Why now?

My thoughts turned to Anjali. There was no way that she would not have called at least once. Had she somehow found out what was going on? Had she seen Vanessa and me together? It couldn't be. I called her cell phone. No answer. I called her work number.

“Hello?”

“Hello? Dr. Chopra, please.”

The woman on the other end put me on hold. I didn't recognize her. From the sound of her voice, she was a summer temp, probably a college freshman helping out.

“Hello?”

This time I recognized the voice. It was Sally, Anjali's receptionist since the beginning of time.

“Yes, this is Jess. Hello Sally.”

“Did something go wrong at the hospital?” Sally asked.

I think my heart stopped beating for an instant.

“What are you talking about? I'm not in town. I just was trying to find Dr. Chopra.”

‘Oh dear,” Sally said in her usual quavering voice, “I am so sorry. I thought you would know.”

“Know what? Is she okay? What's going on?”

There was silence at the other end.

“Is she okay?” I asked again this time more forcefully.

“She got into an accident night before last. She broke some ribs and her leg. She should have gotten home last night. But she may still be at the hospital. Oh dear, I don't know what to say. I thought you knew. I can give you the number to the hospital if you'd like.”

“Yes, please.”

“Hold on, okay?”

I held for what seemed like an eternity. Sally came back on the line, read me the number and the extension to Anjali's room and, after apologizing again for scaring me, finally hung up.

I saw my fingers shaking as I pushed the keys to match the number. I felt tears in my eyes, hot and stinging as if to say “
You fucked up, Jess. You really fucked up.”
I was glad Vanessa had gone downstairs for a drink in the middle of the afternoon. I had told her I'd meet her and that we'd get drunk and fuck and then go dancing because we could and there was nothing stopping us. It seemed so long ago that the conversation with Vanessa had taken place although it had been less than an hour ago. And in less than an hour, everything had changed.

I heard the phone ring. Once. Twice. It rang all of eight times and I hung up. I called Anjali's cell.

“Hello?”

“Anjali?”

There was silence.

“Anjali, it's Jess. What the fuck happened? Are you okay? Why didn't you call me?”

“Fuck you, Jess.”

I chose to ignore her.

“Are you okay?”

“Maybe instead of lying to me and running off with some bitch you could have been here. Then you'd know how I was.”

“What…what are you talking about?”

“You really think I'd never find out? You lied to me. I want nothing from you, Jess. I give up. I give up trying to love you. What is it that you say? ‘Aar pari naa.' I'm done.”

She hung up. I stared at the phone, the screen blinking at me as if to accuse me. I called back. She didn't answer.

I had never known Anjali to not allow me to be there. She was quick to ask and I was the first person there for anything that happened. Calling me would have been the perfect way to get me back home. She knew that. Even before her accident, if she had called me, she could have evoked enough guilt in me to make me go home. But she hadn't. And I knew that this time, Anjali was not going to pretend on my behalf. This time, perhaps she was truly through. But it couldn't be. We were Jess and Anjali, Anjali and Jess. It couldn't be, I convinced myself. It couldn't be.

I threw my clothes into my suitcase.

“I'm coming, Anjali,” I said very quietly, “I'm coming home.”

 

 

 

As we coasted back to New York, I didn't think that Vanessa and I would talk. When I had told her I had to get back immediately, she had quietly and quickly packed her duffel bag and checked out. She hadn't said much to me except to ask whether I wanted to use the bathroom or get some coffee before we started to drive. She had put our bags into the trunk slowly and then rolled down the top. But she had not spoken to me about the situation or how I felt about it or, for that matter, how she felt about it.

Once we crossed the bridge, I decided I had to talk to her. I could not stand the full silence and felt that even empty words would be better. Not that the words I chose to say were empty.

“I'm sorry that things didn't work out like we thought. I had a great time though. I want us to keep seeing each other.”

“I lied to you,” she said.

“Lied to me?”

I did not know if I could handle any more emotional drama at that moment. I hoped she hadn't lied to me about anything that mattered.

“I told you I lit incense so that people could notice me. Remember?”

“Yeah…”

“That's not why I light jasmine. I light jasmine because Tara used to light jasmine incense on nights that I was with her. The entire room, the entire night smelled like jasmine and I fell in love with it. I light jasmine because I feel like she's with me when I do.”

“That's what we do though, isn't it?”

Vanessa looked at me for a few seconds before she looked back at the road in front of us.

“What's that?” she asked.

“We hold onto the best that was given to us. We leave lovers behind as if chapters in a book we have finished but we take a quote here and there. We all do that, Vanessa.”

“Is that your analogy?” she asked.

“It's better than hula-hooping tigers and shit, don't you think?”

“Okay smart ass, I'll give you that.”

She wore a smile so faint, I kept staring at her mouth waiting for it to vanish altogether.

“When do our lives stop belonging to us, Vanessa?”

“When we start to love, Jess, is when we lose ourselves. Love changes you.”

“It's easy talking to you,” I said, “about the past, about love. I don't really understand all of it. And I've never been able to talk to anyone about it.”

“Maybe, princess, you never tried,” she said as if she knew it for a fact.

She was, of course, right. I had never held discussions with Anjali regarding our pasts or the meaning of love. I could say it never came up, but it did, and when it did, either she changed the topic or I did. As I thought of Anjali, my stomach churned. I imagined her in a hospital bed alone thinking of my lies and my betrayal. I felt consumed by a desire to make things right. I wanted everything to be the way it was when we were convenient lovers and yet the world was still in place. How we had started unraveling the past four years in less than a season I did not know. But I knew I had a lot to do with it. And maybe so did Tracy Chapman.

“Jess, I will leave him,” Vanessa said.

Her words were abrupt, clipped, rushed. Her eyes were focused on the road and I noticed that she was pressing harder on the accelerator as she spoke.

“Slow down, babe.”

She released some pressure and the car relaxed a bit.

“Jess I want to be with you. I want to risk again with you. And I want us to try. Just give me some time to figure it all out.”

“I guess I have no choice. Right now, I have to make sure Anjali's okay. What we do after she gets well, I don't know. I will leave. I just can't right now. So I guess we're both in the same place.”

“Except that you do love her. I say I love Danny. I do in a weird way. But not the way you love her. With me, I'm mostly scared of Danny walking into Papi's house and telling him that he married me because I was afraid Papi would die if he didn't. I'm afraid he'll say, ‘Your daughter's a fucking whore in New York who sleeps with women.' And Papi could not take that. I know that. You love her, Jess. There is nothing holding you to Anjali. Unless you want to tell me you stay with her for her money. That means you're FUBAR as far as I'm concerned but if that's what it is then that's what it is.”

“What the fuck is FUBAR, Vanessa?”

“Fucked up beyond all repair.”

“From where?”

“What, you never heard that before? You live under a fucking rock, Jess?”

“No, I've never heard that.”

“It's a military thing. I thought everyone knew FUBAR. Anyway, back to your situation. Are you with her for her money?”

“No. No, I am not with her for her money.”

“Then you love her?”

“Not like I should.”

“Babe, shit or get off the pot for your sake and mostly for her sake. Let her live her life if she doesn't have a chance with you. Or own up and be with her. Don't fuck with her.”

“I know. I know.”

I didn't need Vanessa telling me what I was thinking. I knew I had to do something. But was there a rush? Not really. But then I had spent four years living with this woman and convincing myself that there was no rush. And I knew I could easily do it for another few.

“You do your thing and I'll do my thing, right?” I said.

“Right,” Vanessa said. And then, softly, “It's harder now. Because I am in love with you.”

I closed my eyes and let her words resonate inside me. How long had I waited to hear her say those words just as she had said them? And the funny part was, knowing about Danny and rushing home to Anjali, I believed with everything inside me that her words were true. There was no doubt in my mind. And I wanted my mind to stay there just for a minute, in that rare place we sometimes find that is free from doubt and full of hope.

I leaned on her shoulder and put my hand on her thigh. I thought back to the thunderstorms and wished we were back in bed. Specifically, I wished I could lay with her naked, arch my body to hover over her and then slide kisses over her entire body. I wanted her to undulate as I touched her gently with my fingers, more savagely with my tongue. I wondered when I would know Vanessa's body again.

“Jess, for what it was, I liked Philly.”

“Me too.”

I settled back into the seat and felt tired all of a sudden. I wanted to close my eyes and lose myself somewhere other than where I was. I closed my eyes and then forced myself to open them knowing Vanessa's rules about sleeping in the car. I tried to concentrate on the license plate in front of us. It was a New Mexico plate and I tried to create stories as to how it had ended up on the road somewhere between Philly and New York. I wondered what New Mexico looked like and remembered that I had seen a postcard that a patient had sent to the doctor's office where I had worked. It seemed like such a long time ago that I had been there and yet it was less than three months in which things had changed as they had. My eyes closed again and again I opened them.

“Jess?”

“Yeah?”

“If you want to sleep, go to sleep, princess. I got you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because you deserve it.”

As I drifted to sleep I felt a sadness I hadn't known for a long time. Vanessa was wrong. I deserved nothing. I had to make sure Anjali was okay. But I realized that, more than anything, I did not want this to be the last time that I saw Vanessa.

“Vanessa?”

“Yeah?”

“We're still going to see each other, right?”

“If that's what you want.”

“What do you want?” I asked.

“As little drama as possible which, at this point, is a stupid thing to ask for.”

I don't know when I drifted off to sleep but I do know that Vanessa did not wake me. I know that when I awoke, it was because the car had stopped moving and I felt a slight jerk as Vanessa slammed the trunk shut. I looked around and my stomach started to somersault again. We were in front of Anjali's building. I looked at Vanessa as she held my bag out to me. I wanted to cry. I looked into her eyes and I did not want her to leave me.

“Jess,” she said softly.

I hugged her. I held her. I hoped that I could impart to her what I felt and how much I wanted her.

“Jess, you should go upstairs,” she said.

I took my bag and walked towards the entrance. I turned around and watched her get into the driver's side and pull her seatbelt across her body. I watched her run her fingers through her hair and then place her hands on the wheel. Before she put the car in drive, she looked at me. I held her gaze for as long as I could before I had to look away. When I looked back, she was gone.

In the air around me, there lingered her essence. For an instant I smelled the fragrance of peaches and tasted the sweetness of guava upon my tongue. But for all that she left behind, Vanessa took my heart with her. And I knew she would hold it for me until I was ready to claim it back.