Nicole Jordan (29 page)

“No, we never settled anything. We agreed to live separate lives for the time being. But since then, I have come to reconsider.”

This was precisely what she had feared, Aurora thought, dismayed. “I have no desire to discuss our marriage,” she murmured, wishing she had never begun this conversation.

“Ignoring it won’t make it go away,” he said just as quietly.

Aurora shut her eyes, knowing it was hopeless to try to argue with Nicholas in public. “Very well, we will discuss it.”

“When?”

She averted her gaze from his potent one. “Tonight. Come to my house.”

“Your bedchamber?”

She nodded reluctantly. “That is the only place where we can be private. I will leave the window open.”

Wanting to escape, Aurora urged her horse forward, intending to intervene in Raven’s ill-advised flirtation, but her thoughts remained on Nicholas and his dismaying revelation.

Aurora paced her bedchamber, every nerve ending she possessed alert and on edge. Another glance at the mantel clock showed the hour was nearing midnight, and still Nicholas didn’t come.

She had tried reading, first a magazine and then the journal, but she was too restless to concentrate. Her mind was churning, preparing arguments to use in their forthcoming dispute. She had to convince Nicholas that she didn’t wish to be his wife, that she deplored the very thought of living under the thumb of a dominating, forceful husband. Only recently had she even gained a measure of control over her life, over her fate. And now he was threatening to take that from her.

She would not accept defeat. She had to put an end to the constant state of turmoil that had afflicted her since his arrival in England.

She had no illusions that it would be easy; nothing with Nicholas was ever easy. It would take all her willpower to resist his influence and to persuade him to return to America without her.

And if her arguments failed?

Catching sight of herself in the cheval glass, Aurora came to a halt.

Then she would give him what he wanted. Her body.

Troubled, she stared at herself in the mirror. In the dim lamplight, the woman there was almost a stranger, her complexion flushed, her fair hair falling around her shoulders in casual dishevelment, but it was her attire that seemed foreign to her. She wore a dressing gown of deep blue brocade and nothing more.

She could feel the fabric pressing against her naked breasts, creating an erotic friction. Perhaps this was a mistake…

Aurora gave a start when she heard a soft scrape of sound behind her. Her nerves clanging, she turned to find Nicholas in her bedchamber. He stood just inside the window, observing her, his expression inscrutable.

When his gaze raked her dressing gown, lingering on her bosom, she nervously drew the lapels closer together.

“I am not sure there is any point to this discussion, Nicholas,” Aurora began, gathering her courage. “I told you weeks ago I had no wish for a permanent marriage.”

Moving farther into the room, he leaned a shoulder against the bedpost. “Weeks ago you were still reeling from the shock of my being alive. I didn’t press you then because I thought you needed more time to consider.”

“Well, I have considered. And my feelings have not changed.”

“Mine have,” he said softly.

“I cannot imagine why.”

“Because I’ve come to know you better.”

She turned away from the sensual look in his dark eyes and began to pace again.

“I think our marriage could work,” Nicholas finally said, watching her restlessness.

“I don’t see how.”

“Aurora…why are you so opposed even to considering being my wife?”

“There are so many reasons, I don’t know where to begin.”

“Name one.”

“Very well. For the first time in my life, I am free to live as I choose. Why would I wish to give that up?”

“Because you might find something better.”

She gave him a searching glance. “Better? What could be better than independence?”

His mouth twisted in a wry smile. He had once felt the same way. “If you really wanted independence, love, you wouldn’t hesitate to come with me to America. You will have far more freedom there than here in your rigid, upper-class society.”

“Not as your wife, Nicholas. A wife has no rights whatsoever, not here or in America, either. I lived under my father’s domination all my life. I won’t endure that again.”

He frowned at that, not liking the comparison. “I don’t believe I am anything like your father.”

“No? You are just as forceful as he is. And I think you might be just as ruthless. You would do anything to get your way—”

“I have no intention of trying to rule you. If I did, I would have demanded you return with me at once. I would never have given you a choice about our marriage.”

“You don’t seem to be giving me a choice now.”

“Of course I am. I won’t force you to be my wife.”

She let out her breath in obvious relief.

Nick hesitated, at a loss about how to reassure her. “I think you have an impossibly dark vision of how it would be between us. Your fear seems almost irrational.”

That made her stop her pacing. “It isn’t irrational in the least. If I accompany you to America, I would have only you to rely upon. I would be completely dependent on you. What happens when you find life with me too tame? When the urge to wander strikes you? I would be alone in a strange country.”

“I told you, I intend to settle down.”

“And how long will your good intentions last? How long before you’re lured away by the promise of adventure and danger? What would I do then?” She turned to face him directly, her gaze imploring. “You are asking me to risk
everything
to come with you, Nicholas. How can I trust you that much?”

The question made Nicholas wince, and he could only stare back at her. Her blue eyes were wide and dark like the ocean.

“You are focusing only on the possible disadvantages,” he said finally. “Perhaps instead you should consider the advantages.”

“I
have
considered them—and there is no contest. My life here may be dull, but at least I know what to expect.” Aurora shook her head. “Besides, even if I wanted to go with you, I have responsibilities. Raven…Harry…”

“I have two sisters who could benefit from your guidance.”

“What of your mother? She might not welcome another woman in her house.”

That concern was unfounded Nick knew. “My mother would be no problem. In the first place, I have my own house, which I built to get out from underfoot of my family. And in the second, she would be delighted to have a new daughter, since she’s despaired of ever seeing me wed.” When Aurora had no response, he added truthfully, “If you’re worried about leaving your horses behind, we have excellent horseflesh in Virginia. I can buy you a stableful of horses. And I have hundreds of acres where you can race to your heart’s content.”

Lifting her hand, Aurora rubbed her temple as if in pain. “This is not really even about me. This is about you. About the kind of man you are. Don’t you see what you are doing? You are trying to rescue me from what you perceive as my discontent. You want to save me because it’s so much part of your nature. You can’t help yourself.”

“There is far more to it than my nature,” Nick replied.

“Is there? I think your nature is the heart of the problem.” She hesitated. “Do you intend to be faithful to me, Nicholas?”

He didn’t immediately answer.

Her smile was faint. “It is a reasonable question. How do I know you won’t find someone else who arouses your interest? You desire me now, but how can you guarantee you will want me two years from now, or even two days?”

Averting his gaze, Nicholas considered the question. She was asking for more than fidelity in the marriage bed, he knew; she was asking him to remain by her side for always.

Was he willing to make that kind of commitment to Aurora? Essentially to give over his life to her?

“You don’t love me,” she said softly into the silence. “I’m not even certain you know what the word means.”

“And you do?”

“Yes, I know. Love is kind and gentle and giving. It’s laughing together, being comfortable and familiar. Sharing thoughts, common interests. It is a warm feeling in your heart…. You cannot claim to feel that for me.”

“You forgot passion.”

“Perhaps, but passion is a weak foundation upon which to base a marriage. I don’t doubt you feel desire for me, but it is purely carnal. Love is not desire.”

He met her gaze directly. “You’re saying you could never care for me?”

She hesitated. “I am saying I would be a fool to let myself care. I don’t want to mourn you again, to grieve when you die. And it’s entirely too likely that one day I will be forced to, that you will set out on one of your adventures and never come home.”

“I cannot promise that I won’t die, Aurora. No one can promise that.”

“No. But you could try to keep yourself safe. You insist on risking your life and won’t listen when I implore you to leave England.” She searched his face. “Will you leave, Nicholas?”

His silence told her clearly enough his answer.

Aurora took a deep breath. “Very well, then. I will give you what you want.”

Her fingers moved to the sash at her waist. When she hesitated, their gazes fused. Loosening the tie, she let the robe fall from her shoulders.

She heard Nicholas’s sharp intake of breath as she stood there naked in the dim glow of lamplight.

“What are you doing, Aurora?” he asked, his voice not entirely steady.

“Letting you win. If I give you my body, then maybe you will leave me alone.”

He clenched his jaw, looking like a man in pain. “I didn’t come here for this.”

“Didn’t you? Isn’t this what you have wanted for weeks? A momentary pleasure?”

“What I want is you, as my wife.” His faint smile never reached his eyes. “If all I wanted was sex, I could find it countless places.”

His dark gaze remained solemn as he moved to stand before her. “I want more than lovemaking from you, Aurora. I want you willing, hungry for me. I want you to give me your body because you can’t bear not to. Not because you feel you must placate me or bribe me.”

Her breath faltered as she stared up at him. “I…don’t want you, Nicholas,” she lied.

“No?”

Lifting his hand, he touched the column of her throat, then drew his finger slowly downward. Her heart beat wildly as he deliberately brushed a taut, aching nipple.

“You aren’t as indifferent as you pretend,” he murmured softly.

He turned away then and went to the window. Without another word, he disappeared into the night, leaving her standing there, stunned.

Nicholas had managed to confound her once again.

Trembling, Aurora reached down for her robe and covered her nakedness, then moved over to the bed and weakly sat down. She had lost again.

Nicholas was right. She was not indifferent to him. Not at all. The intense feelings he stirred in her were frightening. The wild restlessness alarming. He had only to touch her to prove his power over her.

Aurora shivered. He had asked if she could ever care for him. She would care too much, that was the trouble.

That reason alone was enough to fear having him for a husband, even aside from the issues of control or the vast differences between them. It would be unforgivably foolish to allow herself to love a man who was at risk of dying any moment.

Her sorrow when she’d thought Nicholas dead had been deep and cutting—and he had been virtually a stranger to her then. How much more devastated would she be once she learned to care for him? Once she learned to crave his touch?

And what if he left her? He hadn’t been able to promise her fidelity just now; he hadn’t answered her question at all.

Nicholas was a passionate man. It was quite possible he could develop a craving for some other woman, as his father had done. He would leave her to follow his heart—or, if he did honor his marriage vows, he would resent her for shackling him. He would be just like his father, entangled in the same misery.

Aurora winced at the thought. She couldn’t do that to Nicholas, or to herself. No, her fear wasn’t irrational in the least.

Her gaze fell on the journal, which she had left on the bedside table. Seeing it, Aurora felt her resolve strengthen. Most emphatically, she did not want to endure the Frenchwoman’s fate, the kind of heartbreaking pain of losing the man she loved. She always wept over the final pages of the journal, for the tale did not end happily.

Nor had the affair between Raven’s mother and Nicholas’s father. Aurora could understand now why Elizabeth Kendrick had read the journal till the pages were worn; she had identified so deeply with the star-crossed lovers. Their passion was so powerful, their grief so devastating when they were ripped apart….

Aurora bit her lip hard. She would have to be stronger than either of those two tragic women had been, she vowed. The journal was an unintentional warning about the madness of desire, and she would do well to take heed. She had to zealously guard her heart from Nicholas, or the result would be disastrous.

Chapter Sixteen

Aurora was very much on Nick’s mind that evening when, at Lord Clune’s invitation, he attended a very private performance of a troupe of opera dancers. Their lovely charms held the all-male audience enthralled, but Nicholas remained uninspired and excused himself early.

He was surprised, however, when Clune followed him outside.

“You needn’t interrupt your pleasure on my account, Dare,” Nicholas said as they descended the front steps of the unassuming house in the theater district.

“I did not find the performance much of a pleasure, I’m afraid,” Clune replied. “Truthfully, it has been ages since any entertainment has held me enthralled.” He nodded toward his carriage, which awaited him a few paces along the darkened street. “May I offer you a lift back to your hotel? Or some other destination? A gaming club, perhaps?”