Nicolai's Daughters (27 page)

1986

“Why didn't you tell us you were coming?” Mavis said. She told him to come in, but he hesitated. He stood at the front door, his hand on the handle, his other arm wedged against the doorframe. His head hung to one side. She looked at him, waiting for an answer. He felt like the wooden sculpture of Christ on the cross in the church in Kalavryta. The lines of resignation carved into the wooden face had made Nicolai weep.

“It's been weeks since we heard from you.”

“I know. I'm sorry,” Nicolai said. On the plane, he'd tried to imagine what it would be like. He pictured himself standing back, waiting to see if Alexia would come to him and hug him. He wanted her to be the way she had been with him before he left.

He'd been wrong to leave her behind. By the look on her face, Mavis was thinking the same thing. If a friend couldn't forgive him, how would his little girl?

“I'm …” Mavis reached out and brought him close. “You must have missed her terribly. It won't…I mean, it wouldn't have been easy without her.” Pinned in Mavis's embrace, a spasm worried his lower back.

They stood together until she let him go.

She brushed at her cheek with the back of her hand. Her hair had a few streaks of grey, her face was paler than usual. She took a deep breath and smiled weakly. “It's just such a surprise.”

“It was time.”

“I'm making some soup. Do you want some?” She closed the front door, rubbed at her arms, said summer had gone by too quickly.

He stood on the doormat as if not sure he'd be allowed to come in. “Is she here?”

Mavis turned and looked at the grandfather clock. “She'll be home in a couple of minutes.” She sighed, then put her arm in his. “She's missed you.”

The kitchen smelled of fresh-baked bread and felt like home, more home than his mother's kitchen, or that awful motel room. His stomach growled, but he didn't feel like eating. He sat at the kitchen table, listened to Mavis talk about how Alexia was doing in school, the friends she'd made, the baking they'd done, all the books they'd read. “I've missed a lot,” he said. His fingers drummed at his thighs. “I get it.”

Mavis turned. They looked at each other, then she turned away again. “It's just that she's such a great kid,” Mavis said. “So interested and curious.”

She wasn't telling him anything he didn't already know.

“I've taken pictures for you,” she said as she threw some chopped parsley into the soup, “so you can see.” She brushed one hand against the other.

Under his breath he rehearsed what he'd say to Alexia.

“I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.” Mavis turned to face him. “Say again?”

He heard the front door open and slam shut. “I'm home, Aunty.”

He pushed back his chair. His breath quickened. Calm down, he said to himself. Hearing her voice, he knew he'd made the right decision. At least once in his life. He couldn't have a life anywhere without her. He had to make her believe it.

“Come in here quick, Ali,” Mavis said.

He rubbed his hands on his jeans. He listened to her in the hallway, watched the spot where she'd come through the door. His eyes would be the first thing she saw. She'd know he loved her. She'd know he was back to stay. His eyes would tell her everything.

Her sounds got louder: a huff as she kicked her shoes off, the bang as they knocked against the closet door, her sigh as she struggled with her coat. “It sticks to my fleece,” she said. “I hate that coat.” God, how he'd missed that voice. Her feet sliding as she came down the hallway. His arms dangled at his sides. His eyes ached staring at the blank doorway.

She ran to Mavis and hugged her. She hadn't seen him at all. He was sure he hadn't looked away. How could she have missed him? He was standing by the kitchen table. Of course, she couldn't see him. The island blocked her view.

“Wait until I tell you what happened!”

Mavis turned Alexia around and walked her to the other side of the island.

Alexia stared at him. She glanced over at Mavis as if to ask a question, then turned back to him. He could see a crease form on her forehead, just above her eyes.

“Are you finished working?” she asked, tucking her hands behind her back.

“I'm here to stay,” he said.

“When she's got a question, her gaze can slice you open,” her grade three teacher had told him. Nicolai understood now what she'd meant.

Mavis gave Alexia a slight nudge and turned towards the stove. Mavis pulled her apron up to her face, wiped her eyes.

Alexia ran her hand over her long hair as if to make sure she looked presentable.

Just like her mother, he thought. You'll always be perfect to me,
paidi mou
. The actual words didn't come out of his mouth. Her face was red. She liked to run. That hadn't changed. She'd probably run all the way home.

“I'm really happy to see you,” he said softly, walking towards her.

She took a step back.

He stopped. Let her come to you, he told himself. “I've missed you,” he said.

“Why did you hang up on me?”

“I'm sorry,
paidi mou,
” he said. He held her gaze, hoped she'd see it in his eyes. He wouldn't turn away now.

She shrugged, stared at her feet.

“I wanted to come back as soon as I could.”

“Really?” She looked at him, again.

He nodded. He gazed beyond her, caught a glimpse of Mavis, her back still turned. He wanted to speak up, but his mouth was dry. He could use a glass of water.

Alexia shuffled towards him.

It's all right, he thought. I'm here now. I won't leave you again. Believe me, please. Please.

Her arms reached up to him. He hugged her close.

His knees felt like water. He wondered if his legs would collapse beneath him and he'd drop in front of her. “You've been running,” he said, pulling away. “I can tell.” He smiled and dropped down onto the chair.

“I'll clean up,” she said, and shrugged.

“I missed you,” he said again as if he were speaking Greek and these were the only words he remembered of his language. He held his breath.

“It's okay, Daddy,” Alexia said and put her hand in his. “I know.”

Nicolai agreed to stay with Stuart and Mavis until he was able to find a place. Alexia seemed happy with the arrangement for now. He went back to work, redoubled his efforts to build his public relations company, hired more staff, made presentations and went to meetings. He looked through the real estate ads for a place of their own.

They went to the fall fair and bake sale. On Halloween, they got dressed up and planned a route. It felt like a job, but one he wanted to do well.

“Do you want me to take her out?” Mavis asked.

“I'm back now, Mavis. Stop worrying,” he said sharply. I screwed up before. I know that, he thought. But, I'm her father. And I'm here now. You don't have to worry, anymore. It's going to be fine. “You did a great job with her,” he added, as an afterthought.

Mavis shrugged. “I'll get over it. Alexia's the one you should be worried about.”

On Saturdays and sometimes on Sundays, too, he'd take Alexia out for the day. They'd look at houses and condominiums, grab a quick sandwich at lunch, see more places in the afternoon and eventually stop for dinner.

“You pick the restaurant,” he said, one late Saturday afternoon. “We'll go anywhere you want to go.”

“You pick,” she said. “It doesn't matter to me.”

“How about Greek?”

“Aren't you sick of that?”

They drove around the West End, Nicolai gazing up at the condominiums on Beach Avenue.

“Let's get a house where we can have a dog,” she said again.

“How about that diner on Davie?” he said. “Let's go there.”

She shrugged. “Okay.”

Nicolai glanced over. The seat belt lay against her bony collarbone, holding her tight against the back of the seat. “Dogs are a big responsibility,” he said. “You're too young. You've never had a pet.”

“I'd look after it,” she said stubbornly.

He glanced over at her. He got the message. She was blaming him. She didn't think he'd looked after her. He was trying, though. Maybe she couldn't see that? “Wouldn't it be nice to be by the water?” Nicolai asked. “In a condominium, we wouldn't have to take care of anything. Someone else would do all the work. We'd have more time.”

“I don't mind doing stuff, Daddy. We'd do it together.”

Like her mother, he thought. But not her mother. “I'm sorry,
paidi mou
, but I don't want another house. It's too much work. I'm busy at work. And you're busy at school,” he said. “I don't want you to worry about anything else.”

At the diner, they sat across from each other. She picked at her dinner and watched him closely. “You've got lots and lots of work, right?” Alexia said, and put her hand on his forearm.

He gulped the last drop of wine in his glass, patted his chin. “This is pretty incredible.” He pointed to his half-eaten hamburger. “Best burger I've had in a while.”

“I mean there's enough work here.” She sat on her hands. “Right?”

He took another bite, shook his head, mumbled and began to cough.

She stood up beside him quickly and patted his back. She handed him a glass of water and said, “Don't talk with your mouth full.”

He sipped water, wiped away a tear. “When did you become the parent?” he asked, through another coughing spurt. He cleared his throat. “I'm okay,
paidi mou
. Sit down, please.” He flicked away a tear.

She stared at him for several seconds until he nodded. “Don't worry so much,” he said. “Everything is okay now.”

“That's what you said before.”

She stood beside her chair, looking down at her plate. He followed her gaze to the uneaten burger. He told himself to reassure her. The two of them would be fine.

He nudged her so she had to look directly into his eyes. “That won't happen again. I'm not leaving. Not without you.”

She nodded, but didn't smile. She sat down.

He tickled her. She giggled, pushing him away.

“Now eat before you disappear. You're like your…” He pushed his shoulders back, knocked his chair forward, pulling himself closer to the table.

“Like who?”

He grabbed his burger, brought it to his mouth, changed his mind and dropped it back on the plate.

“Who?”

“It still hurts to talk about her.”

“I don't want us to forget Mom.” Her hands sat on her lap curled up into fists.

He took her hands, kissed each and folded them within his. “We never will,” he said and hugged her. “Not ever.”

Nicolai continued to search for a place to live and after a few months found a penthouse condominium on Beach Avenue. He visited the place four times. He lay on his back on the floor in the living room, his head propped up on the pillow of his arms, and stared at the endless ocean.

He took Alexia to see it one night just before sunset. “Look,” he said, pointing to the pink sky beyond the floor-to-ceiling windows. They stood side by side, his arm over her shoulder.

“Do they allow dogs?” she asked, turning away.

“We'll have this every single night.” He smiled.

“It's not a very big living room, is it? I mean for a dog to run around.”

He turned. “Let's check out your bedroom.”

“Did you already buy it, Daddy?”

“I wanted you to look at it.” He had put an offer in that morning. He could pull out of the deal if he had to, but he thought she'd like it. What was not to like?

“If you like it,” she said and reached for his hand, “it's okay with me.”

He squeezed her hand, smiled.

Once the paperwork went through, Nicolai had the condominium painted and decorated professionally. He wanted it to be perfect. He sprinkled holy water in each room. This new home would be blessed. It would be protected and would take care of both of them.

He wanted to get moved in as soon as possible. He appreciated Mavis and Stuart taking both Alexia and him in, but their worried looks made him feel like he was on probation. Why didn't anyone believe him? He was back to stay. Everything was fine.

When Nicolai walked down the hall of Mavis's house to Alexia's room to see if she was ready to go, he found Mavis and Alexia sitting on the bed, Alexia's hand on Mavis's leg. Mavis blew her nose. Nicolai leaned back, stood outside the open door.

“We're not going very far,” Alexia said.

“That's right.” Mavis blew her nose again.

Nicolai shook his head. What was the big deal? He'd talked to Mavis, thought he'd reassured her, told her how much he'd appreciated what she'd done for Alexia, for him. He knocked on the doorframe and walked into the room. “Ready to go?”

“One last thing, Daddy,” Alexia said, pointing to a box on the table.

“I'll see you outside,” he said. “We should get going.”

“Oh, I almost forgot,” Mavis said. “You got a letter this morning. It's on the kitchen counter.” Alexia stood up. Mavis gave her a hug.

“I'll grab it on my way out.”

He helped Alexia unpack after they arrived at the condominium and when she said she wasn't hungry, he asked her if she wanted to take a bath.

“I'm pretty tired.”

“We'll be happy here,” he said. “You'll see.”

She nodded, kissed him and went to bed. He sat on the living room floor, flicked on the gas fireplace and opened the letter from Achilles.

Have you forgotten about us?

I'm trying, Nicolai said to himself.

In the next paragraph Achilles said he was still looking for more investors and things were
promising.
Nicolai smiled. Good old Achilles. He would never change.