New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer (20 page)
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Authors: Bill Maher
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BILL MAHER
S
S
NEW RULES
Presidents must work weekends. In 2004, the Democratic contenders for president moved a debate in South Carolina to the evening because, here in the 21st century, Orthodox candidate Joe Lieberman can’t do anything on Saturday until the sun goes down. Making the schedule even tighter, the debate had to wrap up by midnight because Dick Gephardt is a werewolf.
Santa PauseNo Christmas movie ads until after Halloween. Enough with this holiday creep. Give us a few more weeks of no stress before the hellish Season of Peace begins. If I wanted to hear about Jesus 365 days a year, I’d have voted for Bush.
Saving Private Cryin’Soldiers have to follow orders. In World War II, there was none of this “We’re not going because we don’t have the right equipment.” You want equipment, join the Swiss Army. If your order is to ride a skateboard through a minefield to deliver a Zagnut bar to Donald Rumsfeld, I’m sorry, that’s the deal with the army. You know what happens to soldiers who disobey direct orders? That’s right—they become president of the United States.
Halloween is child abuse. One day every year we lose our minds and send our children out into the night to talk to strangers. And then when they get home, we throw away the one healthy food item—the apple—because it might have a razor blade and keep the big sack of processed poison.
Sciatica Night FeverJohn Travolta must stop dancing in his movies. Sorry, John, you don’t look cool anymore. You look like that creepy uncle at a wedding who’s dry-humping the bridesmaids.
Shot/Ale DiplomacyNext time the Irish prime minister comes to the White House on Saint Patrick’s Day, the president has to get drunk with him. I don’t care if he relapses and has to find Jesus all over again. When an Irishman flies all the way across the pond on Saint Paddy’s Day, the least you can do is knock back some Guinness, sing a few songs, and let him punch you in the mouth.
Sickey D’sNo McDonald’s in hospitals. I’m not kidding—they’re putting McDonald’s in hospitals! Hello? You’re doctors. You’re not supposed to be in the “repeat business” business. I’m sorry, Fast Food Nation, but we already figured out a way to screw patients—they’re called HMOs.
NEW RULENo answering the phone during sex. According to
Ad Age
magazine, 15 percent of Americans have answered their cell phone during sex. This is not only rude, it is also dangerous because it interferes with your driving. Trust me, when a woman is screaming “I’m coming, I’m coming!” she doesn’t want to hear “I’m breaking up, I’m breaking up.”
Skeletal RefrainsAd Age
magazine, 15 percent of Americans have answered their cell phone during sex. This is not only rude, it is also dangerous because it interferes with your driving. Trust me, when a woman is screaming “I’m coming, I’m coming!” she doesn’t want to hear “I’m breaking up, I’m breaking up.”
In fat-ass, stomach-stapling America, stop focusing on the three people in the country who don’t eat enough! There’s a term for Lara Flynn Boyle’s condition: It’s called being a skinny chick. It’s just her body type ... as seen in this childhood photo.
No, you can’t have a boob job for your birthday. Record numbers of teenage girls are seeking breast-augmentation surgery—or, as they call it, “liberating a rack.” Let’s get back to the good old days when your daughter announced she was getting Ds—and she was talking about her report card.
So-DuhThere’s no such thing as “flavored water.” There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket—water, but without the watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.
Softening Dick
Keep Dick Cheney in seclusion. I liked it better when the vice president was always tucked away in an undisclosed location. He’s like the creature in the cradle at the end of
Rosemary’s Baby:
It’s more frightening when all we see is the rattle in its horrible little hand. Stick to your original strategy: Only bring out Dick Cheney when you’re trying to make Rumsfeld seem human.
Sour KrautRosemary’s Baby:
It’s more frightening when all we see is the rattle in its horrible little hand. Stick to your original strategy: Only bring out Dick Cheney when you’re trying to make Rumsfeld seem human.
“Eat me” is just an expression. Another German man has been convicted of killing and eating someone, the second such case in a year. You can always tell a German cannibal because he says things like “I’m so hungry I could eat a Horst.”
Square DunceCountry music stars can’t be authors. Charlie Daniels’s book
Ain’t No Rag: Freedom, Family, and the Flag
is a collection of musings by noted white trash icon Charlie Daniels on subjects ranging from American flags to American flag bumper stickers to what to do to a hippie if you catch him trying to burn an American flag. Before this book, I was ambivalent on the issue of flag burning. Now, I find myself reconsidering the question of book burning.
Star BoresAin’t No Rag: Freedom, Family, and the Flag
is a collection of musings by noted white trash icon Charlie Daniels on subjects ranging from American flags to American flag bumper stickers to what to do to a hippie if you catch him trying to burn an American flag. Before this book, I was ambivalent on the issue of flag burning. Now, I find myself reconsidering the question of book burning.
No more referring to your acting role as “this wonderful journey.” It wasn’t a journey. You just mixed the wrong pills in your trailer and then went to the set and acted like someone slightly less fucked up than you.
Statue of Limitations
Keep the Statue of Liberty closed. Since 9/11, the statue has been off limits for security reasons, and some people are outraged. Why? It’s a sacred symbol of our principles, not a StairMaster. Everything doesn’t have to be interactive. People go to church; they don’t take turns up on the cross. You’re not allowed to fill the Liberty Bell with nachos or wear it as a hat. You want to lose yourself inside an American icon? Have sex with Shelley Winters.
Statuette of LimitationsBest sound editing is not a category at the Oscars. Ditto sound mixing. Talkies have been around for 70 years. Hollywood, you nailed the sound thing. The only part that matters about movie sound is that it’s really, really loud. Otherwise, I’ll be able to think, and if I think, I’ll realize I’m a college-educated adult watching a movie about a Spiderman.
Stiff Up Her LipThere’s no explaining love. If Charles and Camilla prove one thing, it’s that she must be the greatest lay in history. She must do things to him that make Carmen Elektra look like your hand. Love is inexplicable, so let’s not put any laws about marriage in our Constitution.
Storm Frontin’Hurricane names should be scary. It’s bad enough we can’t name hurricanes after women anymore because it’s sexist; now they’re all getting Waspy names like “Alex,” which is the least effective approach. Can you imagine how much faster the Carolinas would evacuate if they announced that “Ludacris” was headed their way?
Orifice PoliticsNEW RULEF
ucking around at the office is not a reason to lose your job. If it was, the unemployment rate in America would be 80 percent. You may have heard that the CEO of Boeing—or as it’s now known, Boing!—had to step down because he was having an affair with the nice lady from accounts receivable. Who gives a damn?I know what you’re saying: “Hey Bill, that attitude may be fine for you, leading your ‘single, libertarian lifestyle’—but when a 68-year-old airline executive named Harry Stonecipher bones somebody in the supply closet, what do we tell the children?”Right, “the children,” who look up to geriatric arms dealers and obviously don’t want to think of their government buying Apache helicopters from a fornicator. “At Boeing, we will not tolerate sneaking around! Now get back to work on the Stealth bomber.”In other countries, a CEO committing adultery isn’t even called a “scandal.” It’s called a “business trip.” Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away? When did we get to be such a nation of busybodies? Oooh, who’s Harry Stonecipher fucking? I gotta know.Just to put things into perspective, Boeing Company is our second largest defense contractor. They make things like the F-15, and we’re at war, with soldiers’ lives at stake, so I gotta think the smooth, uninterrupted management of the Boeing Company might be important—but apparently not more important than stopping Harry Stonecipher from grappling naked in a burlesque of lust with 52-year-old Gloria Hormth.Not long ago, we found out there’s nine billion of our dollars missing in Iraq—not misspent: lost. You heard me: $9 billion. But in the age of Bush, anything that involves money is legal, and the only scandal is sex. Gross, disgusting, AARP, early-bird-special sex with Harry Stonecipher. As if a 68-year-old man having an office romance should be a shock in the aerospace industry—it shouldn’t; it should be a high five in the pharmaceutical industry. This sort of event shouldn’t be condemned it should be applauded.Harry Stonecipher’s extramarital affair is the first time Boeing ever deployed an obsolete missile system and you and I didin’t have to foot the bill for it.
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