Never to Love (10 page)

“I haven’t seen you for a while. I’m making your favorite meatloaf tomorrow night—the one with the bacon wrapped around it.” Yeah, my favorite cause of severe gastrointestinal distress. Not even bacon could save that monstrosity. “There’s a boy at church I think you’ll hit it off with. I’ll invite him over so you can meet him.”

Oh, fuck no. “Listen, Mom, I don’t think I can make it tomorrow night.” She wasn’t one to dig for an explanation. Having known me my entire life, she probably figured it was something she didn’t want to hear.

Apparently, she wasn’t above guilt. “But it’s been so long, and I miss my girl.”

Stopping at a red light, I pounded my forehead against the wheel. Since a meeting with Saul was the only thing left on my schedule before noon, I decided to compromise. “How about I come over for a little while now?” Blowing off my annoying coworker was an added bonus.

“That would be lovely. I’ll go cut up the watermelon I bought at the farmer’s market this morning.”

“Sounds good,” I said, smiling at how she always seemed to have my actual favorites on hand. Although, maybe it wasn’t a coincidence. Maybe she knew the threat of meatloaf-induced indigestion and a setup with a church boy, not to mention the strategically placed guilt, would have me rushing over to avoid the proposed hell. If that was her intention, it worked.

Blinker on, I changed lanes so I could get onto the freeway instead of heading to the office. “I’ll be there in forty minutes or so.”

As we said our goodbyes, I merged into the light traffic that would accompany me to Burbank.

Juli

“There’s my girl,” my mom gushed when I emerged from the car. She acted as if she hadn’t seen me in years instead of weeks. Engulfing me in a hug, I wrapped my arms around her long enough for it not to be awkward, but also not awkwardly long.

Growing up, I received hugs from my mother on a regular basis, but after witnessing interactions between my classmates and their parents, ours didn’t seem natural. After a while, I noticed they occurred on a loose schedule and seemed more like a requirement than a sign of affection. I don’t think Mom realized it, though. From what I gathered, she had grown up the same way, which is why she never thought it was strange.

When I was about twenty, we got into an argument about something stupid, and I foolishly pointed it out. Now, it seemed she was trying to make up for lost time. If I had a choice, I’d go back to the perfunctory hugs that accompanied “hello” and “goodbye.”

As expected, I found my father camped out in his chair across from the TV. “Hey, J.J.,” he said as I passed by. My middle name didn’t begin with a “J,” but he’d always called me that anyway. I didn’t mind. Whenever someone asked, I’d jokingly tell them it was a stutter.

“Hey, Dad.” My dad seemed to be content watching his police dramas for hours on end. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I retired as young as they did, so I planned to work until the day I died.

Following Mom into the kitchen, the massive heap of watermelony goodness greeting me made me wonder just how long she expected me to stay.

“So, what have you been up to?” I asked as she scooted the entire platter toward me as I took my usual seat. There was a time I would have attempted to eat every last bite, but that time had passed years ago.

“Not much. Trying out new recipes.”

Before I could make the request, she handed me a salt shaker. As I took a big, unladylike bite, I decided to tell her all about the charity to fill the time until I had to leave for my afternoon meetings.

“Who’s the young man?” the sneaky bitch asked while my mouth was still full.

My eyes jerked away from the melon rind in my hand and widened as I processed her question and then swallowed. “W-what do you mean?” Did I smell like Thomas or look like I’d recently been fucked within an inch of my life?

“Don’t try to hide it, young lady. You know precisely what I mean.”

“I don’t date, Mom.”

“Tell me something I don’t know,” she said, rolling her eyes.

Maybe if I shocked her enough, she’d let it go. “Your little girl grew up to be a slut.” Not a word I’d usually use to describe myself, but I was going for maximum impact.

“No, she didn’t. My little girl grew up to be a woman who knows exactly what she wants and doesn’t hesitate to go after it.” As if fearful I’d bite off her fingers, she quickly reached over and snatched a slice of fruit for herself.

“That’s true,” I said proudly. Sitting up a little straighter, I reached for another piece of melon.

“Then what’s the holdup with this boy? Why haven’t you gone after him?”

“What boy?” My mother could frustrate me like no other.

“You know exactly who I’m talking about.”

“What makes you—”
Fuck.
“Marina called you, didn’t she?”

“No comment. I’m not as prudish as you seem to think I am, you know. You can talk to me about these things.” We were about to find out whether or not she was right.

“You really want to know?” I asked, giving her one last out. She quickly nodded, so I gave her what she asked for. “I’ve slept with him on three separate occasions when my limit is one. That’s all.”

“Do you want to do him again?” she asked casually.

Kill me now.
Had she forgotten she was my mother? “He’s good at it,” was my non-answer. “Even if I wanted a boyfriend, which I absolutely do not, he’s not interested either.”

“Sounds like a perfect match,” she mused. “Neither of you want more than what you’ve been doing. If he’s offering something you want, why not take it?”

“Why is everyone shoving me toward him? I don’t need a relationship. It hasn’t exactly worked out well for you.” Cringing at my outburst, I added, “I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re absolutely right. There’s no reason you should want what I have.”

“I only remember seeing you and Dad kiss once, and it was the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever witnessed. It looked like some sort of punishment. You don’t hug, you don’t hold hands. You barely ever touch, and when you do, it’s accidental.”

“Parents always want more for their children than they had themselves. We were fortunate enough to be well off financially, but I missed out on love. Your father did too. We love you with all of our hearts, but Dad and I have always been more like good friends.”

“Maybe you misunderstood; hell, I’m confusing myself. I don’t want any of those things. Unless we’re naked, or on our way there, I don’t want someone to hold my hand, or hug me, or kiss me, or touch me in any non-platonic way. I think what you have is fine, for the most part, but I can have all of those things without being stuck with the same person. I never have to worry about someone wanting things I don’t, I can fuck on my own timetable, and I don’t have to deal with anyone else’s needs or wants.”

I took a breath, hoping my mom would understand the things that were hard for most people to grasp.

“Maybe you don’t want any of that stuff because you don’t know how good it could be?” she asked. “If I could go back, I wouldn’t change the events that brought me you, but I’d do a few things differently. I definitely would have tried to set a better example for you.”

Objectively, I knew people could be happy together. I had a prime example around me all the time. It just wasn’t something I wanted for myself. “Then why stay together? If you want love so much, why not divorce and go look for it?”

“I’m old and settled in my ways. It would be more hassle than it’s worth. You’re young, though. It’s not too late for you. If you find someone you could picture falling in love with, you owe it to yourself to see it through.”

“Mom, there is absolutely no way I could ever fall in love with Thomas.” Although against my better judgment, I was growing quite fond of his dick. “I’m happy with my life the way it is.”

“We did this to you, didn’t we?”

She needed to let it the fuck go already. “I’m not broken, Mother. I don’t have mommy and daddy issues that ruined my chance at happiness. I just have no use for anything other than some fun every now and then.”

“I know you’re not broken, but you grew up thinking a relationship was only about who took out the trash and who did the laundry.”

Jesus. How many different ways could she say the exact same fucking thing? “I can take out my own garbage, and most of my clothes are dry clean only.”

“Don’t be like that,” Mom admonished.

“If that’s not it, what is it about?”

“To be honest, I don’t know. I’m hoping you’ll be able to tell me, someday,” she replied. Was this all because she wanted to live vicariously through me?

“All I know is that the thought of having a boyfriend makes my skin crawl. One time, a guy I was fucking kissed me on the cheek in public, and for the rest of the night, all I could think about was running home to scrub it off.” That was one of the earliest events leading up to my one-night rule.

“Oh, Juli. I’m so sorry.”

“What do you have to be sorry for?” This conversation was about to turn ugly if I didn’t reign in my frustration.

“Everything. I hope someday you find someone whose touch you welcome instead of shun.”

“I wish that for you as well, Mom.” But it isn’t going to happen for me. “I need to get back to work.”

“Okay, sweetheart. Just remember what I said.”

“I will, Mom,” I lied.

“See you later, Daddy,” I said as I rushed toward the front door.

“Hey, J.J. Do you have a few minutes for your old man?” Both of my parents had the guilt thing down pat.

Altering my course, I plopped onto the couch. “What’s on your mind?”

“Did Mom tell you about Uncle Leo?”

That might have been the first time I’d ever heard my father gossip.

“Yeah, a little.”

“You know, there’s nothing wrong with how he chooses to live his life. He’s always safe, and everyone involved knows the score up front.”

“Okay… Why are you telling me this?”

“Oh, just making conversation. He called it off with the girl he was caught with.”

“I didn’t think he was the type to see anyone long enough to need to officially call something off.”

“He’s not usually. You and I both know he has no intention of settling down, but every now and then he’ll ‘date’ the same woman for a couple of months. It never means anything, and he never has a problem walking away when it gets old.”

“But what about the women? What if
they
have a problem with him walking away?”

“If he doesn’t think they’ll go quietly, he won’t do them in the first place.”

Would Thomas go quietly? Perhaps I needed to stop overthinking it. The man put the whore in manwhore. By the time I grew bored with his cock, he’d probably be ready to move on as well.

“Anyway, I just thought you should know that what Leo does works for him, and I respect him for living his life in a way that makes him happy.” I heard his unspoken envy.

“I don’t judge him, if that’s what you’re worried about. In fact, I realized earlier—” Oh, shit. It was one thing to tell my mom about my promiscuity, but my dad was an entirely different story. “You heard, didn’t you?”

“Your mother’s voice tends to carry. Don’t worry. You’ll always be my little princess, but above everything else, I want you to be happy. You’re smart and responsible. You should consider what you want when you make decisions about your personal life. It’s important to listen to your logical brain, but it shouldn’t be the sole deciding factor.”

“What if I don’t know what I want?”

“In this case, I think you do but don’t want to admit it. Go with your gut and see where it takes you.”

Could I do it? Could I shift my paradigm just once? Would it be a blip on the radar or the biggest mistake of my life?

There was only one way to find out.

Thomas

“What?” There was absolutely no way in hell I’d heard her correctly, yet there she stood with her back pressed against the currently-frosted window separating my office from the conference room where Finn was meeting with potential investors. My brother knew how I felt about the project he was trying to fund and decided it would be best if my unfiltered mouth and I sat out of the meeting.

“Get. On. Your. Knees.” Like a trained puppy, I’d hit the ground before she finished repeating the third word. “Good boy.”

After hiking up her skirt, she propped one foot on my shoulder, providing an unobstructed view of a small circular charm with two words printed in the center. I wouldn’t—no, couldn’t—look away.

“What does it say?” I asked even though I knew exactly what the letters spelled. More than anything—well, maybe not
anything
—I wanted to hear her say the two short words.

“Lick me.”

“Fuck, that’s sexy.”

“What are you waiting for?” she asked, nudging me forward with her shoe.

Winning the internal battle, my mouth was deemed hungrier than my eyes. Without further delay, I dove in, tongue first.

Juli’s emphatic moans as I toyed with the soft flesh and hard metal were like music to my cock. Needing to feel her smooth skin, my hands traced as much of her body as they could while I continued to make her writhe with every swipe of my tongue.

“Suck it.” I wanted to keep her on the edge for hours, days if I could, but her hyped-up domination had me ready to lose it before I had a chance to unzip. If I wanted any chance of an assist, I had to get her off, and I needed to do it immediately.

“Now, Thomas. Make me come now,” she commanded before I had a chance to break out my best moves to implement my plan.

Adding two fingers to the mix, I used them to fuck her as I sucked on her clit, flicking the unnecessary silver instructions with the tip of my tongue. Most women would have come instantaneously, but every cell of my Juli’s body was stubborn.

My Juli?

Since I hadn’t had time to thoroughly explore her body and document her hot spots, I went for the obvious. With my free hand, I reached up and pinched her nipple through the thin fabric of her dress.

There was no way the suits in the conference room would fund Finn’s pet project when they heard Juli scream my name as she came all over my face. I should have cared, but I couldn’t find a single fuck to give at the moment.