Never Surrender (17 page)

Gabe rocked her gently, as he would rock a hurt child, whispering softly to Bay, his voice trembling with barely held emotions in check.

Slowly, Bay’s sobs stopped. She began to hiccup. Gabe felt her burrow deeper, pressing her face against his shoulder and neck, literally trying to hide in his arms. Relief soared through him because Bay hadn’t pushed him away. And she could have. Closing his eyes, Gabe continued to rock her and move his hand across her unruly hair. Her trembling began to recede, and Bay’s breathing slowed down. Her hands were clasped between them.

“That’s right, baby, just lay here in my arms. You’re going to be okay. The nightmare’s gone, it won’t come back tonight. I’m here...I’ll hold you....”

Bay felt Gabe’s warm, hard arms around her dampened nightgowned body. She desperately clung to his rasping words. She fought against the things she’d seen and felt in the nightmare. Her lower body ached. What had happened to her? What was wrong? Flailing between raw fear and anxiety, Bay found solace in the gentle rocking motion in Gabe’s arms. His warm, moist breath whispered across her cheek. He felt safe. Oh, God, she needed to feel safe!

A black, bearded face leered out at her. Bay choked on a sob and winced. Gabe’s arms tightened in response. Those black eyes...oh, God, he was dangerous to her! Her heart started to speed up as his face hung there, an apparition from her unknown past, haunting her. Scaring her until she almost became paralyzed with fear.

“It’s okay, baby. I’m here....” Gabe reassured her. He could feel how damp Bay’s nightgown had become. She was sweating profusely, shaking, a frightened rabbit in his arms. What the hell should he do? What would help her? His mind spun, his emotions twisting violently within him.

Trying to still himself, Gabe homed in on his heart. It was the only voice he could trust right now. What did Bay need? What could he do to help her stop sweating and trembling like this? Her sobs began again, soft and halting at first. Her fingers dug into the flesh of his chest. What the hell kind of nightmare had this kind of hold on her? Frustration ripped through him. He felt as if he were going to die if he couldn’t fix this.

And then, Gabe said to hell with all of it, following his heart. “Come on, baby, lay down here beside me. I’ll hold you. Whatever you’re seeing, it can’t hurt you anymore. I’ll keep it away from you....”

Gabe eased Bay down onto the bed. She was still caught up in the nightmare, her eyes wild-looking and unseeing. The moment he got up to move to her side, she cried out, tucking herself once more into a fetal position of protection. Patiently, he lay down beside her and pulled the sheet over them.

As soon as Gabe gathered Bay into his arms, she calmed down. He brought Bay firmly against his body, and she nestled her face against his shoulder, her brow against his jaw. She was burrowing against him, as if to try and hide once again. From something. From someone...

Soon, Bay stopped shaking and finally breathed with a slow, even cadence. Her fingers, once curled tightly against his chest, relaxed and eased open. Every once in a while, Bay would hiccup, her body spasming. And then, she’d quiet once more. He’d do anything to get those nightmares out of her head.
Anything.

Gabe let her fall asleep. Holding her was such an incredible gift to him. He’d unexpectedly gotten to hold Bay for three nights at the Bagram hospital. That time with her had fed his starving heart and soul. And now, he got to hold Bay once more. God, he needed this intimacy with her so damned badly.

Gabe closed his eyes, a shudder moving through him, his heart aching for Bay. Her scream...Jesus...he’d never forget that ear-shattering scream. Exhausted, Gabe didn’t want his mind going to that dark place within him. He didn’t want to try and imagine why she’d screamed like that. Shutting his eyes tightly, he nuzzled his face into Bay’s silky, curled hair. He inhaled her natural fragrance, and it fed his broken soul in every way. Gabe continued to hold the woman he loved more than his own life. Sleep stole in, and all his demons dissolved. For one night, Bay was here, beside him and in his arms, where she belonged.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

B
AY
AWOKE
SLOWLY
, sunlight streaming in through the white, lacy curtains. The window was open, and she could hear a robin singing outside. Had she been dreaming? As she opened her eyes fully, she tried to remember. Had Gabe held her last night? Or was that just a wish fulfillment?

She sighed brokenly, rolling over on her side. Gabe was more than a friend. She knew it but couldn’t remember. Since she’d become conscious at Landstuhl, she ached to be touched by him. Held.

Once she dragged herself out of bed, she pulled on her purple robe over her nightgown that was stiff and smelled of sweat. Bay needed some coffee and shuffled out of the room and down the hall, barefoot.

Bay halted when she saw Gabe at the sink, his back to her, looking out the large window. An incredible feeling of love washed over her. He was dressed in a tan T-shirt that showed off his powerful upper body, olive green cargo pants and hiking boots. Just knowing Gabe was close steadied her. And then, he turned, meeting her eyes, as if somehow sensing she was standing there.

“How are you doing?” Gabe asked quietly, warily searching her drowsy features. “How about a cup of coffee?” he asked, pulling out a wooden chair at the table for her.

“Yes, that sounds good,” Bay managed in a whisper. Drawing the robe tightly around her, she walked up him. Bay wanted to swim in those dark green eyes. “Gabe, I feel like I’m imagining things....”

“Like what?”

She sat down. “Did I—I mean, did you hold me last night or was I dreaming it?” Feeling suddenly shy, Bay dipped her head, staring at her clasped hands in her lap.

Gabe crouched down, one hand on the arm of the chair, his other falling over her tightly clasped hands. “You’re not going crazy, Bay. You had a nightmare last night and screamed. I heard it and came in to try and help.” His voice lowered, holding her startled gaze. “You wouldn’t stop crying. I slid into bed and held you until you finally stopped sobbing, and then, you went to sleep. I held you the rest of the night.”

Biting her lower lip, his voice like a balm to her shattered confidence, Bay gave a jerky nod. “Okay...then I wasn’t imagining it.” She pulled her hands free of his and covered her face. “I hate the night!”

Her muffled words tore at Gabe. All he could do was stroke her hair, as if soothing a wild, crazed animal. She drew in deep breaths, as if struggling to calm down. “I know you do. I wish I could take those nightmares away from you Bay....”

Bay lifted her head. “Y-you did. I stopped seeing his face when you lay with me. I—I could feel your warmth, your protection, Gabe. He stopped coming after me.” She lowered her gaze, never feeling as weak as she did right now.

Grazing her temple, moving a few tendrils behind her ear, Gabe asked, “Who was coming for you?” He watched the fear enter her eyes, and it ripped his heart apart. His Bay, who had been so confident before the rape, was little more than a shattered mirror of her original self. But he could tell that his touch eased some of the fear, and he moved his hand across her tense shoulder.

“I’m not sure,” Bay whispered, fighting not to cry. “He hated me. He was coming at me. I saw him reach out toward me...I guess that’s when I started screaming?” She clung to Gabe’s searching, turbulent gaze.

“I don’t know, baby, I don’t know. I wish I did.” Gabe unwound and stood up. He gently laid his hand on her shoulder. “Do you want that coffee?” Gabe didn’t know what else to say. Or do. The question seemed so damned inane. Unimportant.

“Y-yes, please.”

It gave him something to do. Anything rather than stand there, his guts in twisting knots, casting around, trying to say the right thing. Whatever the hell was the right thing to say? Gabe handed her the mug of coffee and sat down next to her with his cup. She took several grateful sips. At 0600, the sun was just cresting the tops of the trees outside the cabin. It was peaceful. No people, just the soothing, comforting sounds of nature.

As she felt more stable, Bay realized it was because Gabe was near her. He fed her strength. Stability. Hands wrapping around the cup, she looked at him. “I need you to tell me more, Gabe. I—I know I’m an 18 Delta combat corpsman. I know you, but I can’t remember from where.” Tears gathered in Bay’s eyes, and she reached out, gripping his hand on the table. “Please, tell me what I don’t know? I’m dying inside because my heart goes crazy every time you touch me. Last night,” she breathed softly, “I felt safe when you held me, Gabe. You have no idea how much solace and peace it brought me from this constant anxiety that just keeps bubbling up through me in the background.”

Her pleading gaze tore at him. God, how much to tell her? What was enough? Too much? Dr. Torrance had warned him about this. Gabe was scared of overwhelming Bay. Or triggering an avalanche of memories that could tear her apart. As her tears fell silently down her cheeks, he gripped her hand and shut his eyes.
Crying...no, please, don’t cry, baby... God, anything but that...

“Gabe?”

Her trembling voice tore through him, and Gabe opened his eyes and held hers. “We’re good, close friends,” he told her, his voice unsteady. He told her how they’d met last year when she was assigned to his SEAL team in Afghanistan. Gabe feared saying much more than covering their four months of working together. He left out the soul-stealing kiss they’d shared the morning he was to leave for the States. He’d never forget that one, searing kiss with Bay. Their first kiss. A forever kiss indelibly branded on his heart and soul.

Frowning, Bay listened, absorbing everything. She began to relax, the sound of his voice dampening her anxiety. She stared at their hands. “There’s more,” she whispered, holding his gaze. “I know there is...”

Moistening his lips, he rasped, “Bay, you’ve been through so much. We have time, and we can talk about this more as you start getting those memories back.” He instantly saw anguish in her eyes. He felt terrible.

“You held me,” Bay said, her voice stronger. “You made my nightmare go away....”

Trapped.
Gabe flexed his mouth, holding her haunted gaze. “What do you want, Bay? Just tell me and I’ll go through hell to get it for you.”

Gabe had no idea what to do now. The damned doctors said to let her memories come back on their own and then talk about them, not the other way around.

Bay managed a shy look and whispered, “Will you hold me tonight? When I go to bed? I hate taking those sleeping pills. I wake up in the morning, and I feel like I’m split into pieces. It takes me half a day to feel somewhat whole again.”

Given Bay’s trauma, he thought about the repercussions of sleeping next to her. What if she woke up thinking he was going to rape her?

“I don’t know, Bay,” he said, running his fingers through his hair.

She hadn’t been told about the rape—yet. The medical people had told her that she’d injured herself, but hadn’t said how. Would Bay figure it out on her own? It was coming sooner than later. The man she saw in her nightmare was either her torturer or her rapist. Or both. Gabe wanted to curse, to get up and run to hell away because he felt inept at handling all of this. He didn’t know what the right answer was for her anymore.

Bay’s hand tightened over his. “In my heart, it feels right, Gabe. I mean...if you don’t want to, I know it’s a silly request. Friends don’t usually sleep together.” Her expression was filled with confusion, uncertainty.

Ah, hell.
Gabe turned her hand over, gently holding her long, spare fingers. “We’ll try it, okay? And it’s entirely up to you, Bay. You’re in control here. All I want to do is help you, baby, not scare the hell out of you. Or hurt you.”

Instant relief came to Bay’s eyes. A flush flowed across her cheeks, and she suddenly appeared shy, the way she was before they’d ever kissed the first time.

“Thank you...”

* * *

E
VA
-J
O
JOINED
B
AY
in their mother’s five-acre garden that afternoon. Bay crawled down the rows of beans on her hands and knees. The beans were almost ready to pick, and she was pulling weeds alongside her enthusiastic, nonstop-talking sister.

Gabe hated weeding but grudgingly worked at it, a couple of rows away from the women. He heard Eva-Jo prattling away, her hands gesturing everywhere. Even from where he knelt, weeds in hand, Gabe could see Bay was getting tired of her sister clinging to her and the endless, ongoing chatter.

It was nearly three in the afternoon. Pushing to his feet, Gabe walked between the rows over to Bay.

Eva-Jo looked up, smiling gaily. “Look, Gabe! Look at all the weeds I’ve pulled!”

He forced a warm smile. “You’re good at weeding, Eva-Jo.” Gabe turned his attention to Bay. She had stopped and rested back on her heels. There were tiny beads of perspiration along her hairline. She looked exhausted. Holding out his hand, he murmured, “How about a nap?”

Bay lifted her hand and took Gabe’s. “Definitely.” She smiled gently over at Eva-Jo. “You beat me, Squirt. You got twice the amount I did.”

Preening, Eva-Jo yelled, “Yipppeeee!”

Gabe pulled Bay to her feet, and she dropped her last handful of weeds into her sister’s huge pile. “Let’s go,” Gabe urged Bay, guiding her toward the gate half an acre away.

At the cabin, Bay went straight to her bedroom. Gabe hung out in the kitchen, washing his dirty hands. Exhaustion lapped at her, and she pushed off her shoes and lay down. As soon as her head nestled into the pillow, she fell asleep.

Gabe was out in the kitchen making dinner for them when Bay emerged two hours later. He heard her coming down the hall and twisted a look over his shoulder. She seemed confused, scrubbing her eyes as she made her way to the kitchen table and sat down.

“How was your nap?” he asked, rinsing his hands and drying them on a towel.

“Interesting,” she mumbled.

That got his attention. Gabe turned and poured her a cup of coffee he’d just made. “Want to talk about it?” He slid the cup in front of her.

She gratefully took the coffee. “Thank you.”

Bay was always thoughtful of others, always aware of other people’s contribution to her. It was one of the many reasons Gabe loved her so damned much. Searching her blue gaze, he saw something new in her eyes. What was it? He stilled his impatience, waiting for her to speak.

“Gabe, I remember more things about Camp Bravo....”

His heart skidded. He put the towel on the table and sat down opposite her. “What do you recall?”

“Hammer. I remember the faces of all the SEALs in your platoon now.” She managed a bit of a triumphant look. “It’s as if you mentioned it, and then the rest of it just downloaded as I woke up a few minutes ago.”

“You mean, it acted like a trigger?” He was thinking in sniper terms.

Nodding, Bay sipped the coffee, thoughtful. “I think I remember everything about those four months now.” She launched into specific experiences.

Gabe sat there, wondering if her memories included their relationship. He hoped so. Bay’s eyes were lighter, her voice stronger as she recounted everything in the next hour about those four months she’d spent with his SEAL team. Gabe was shaken by the amount of memory dumped. And scared. It was only a matter of time before she remembered her assault. Dr. Torrance had said one memory might come back, and it might be months before another returned to the survivor.

“Well? Is that right? Am I remembering correctly?”

“You’re on the money, Bay.” But she remembered nothing about them. Gabe swallowed his disappointment and smiled because he could see how excited and hopeful Bay was. “That’s great.”

Her face became radiant beneath his praise. Heat sheeted through his chest, wrapping around his strongly beating heart. It was the light in Bay’s eyes that lifted him, smothered him with hope. Real hope. At that moment, Gabe wanted to reach out, gently cup Bay’s cheek and kiss her. But the fear of her other memories stopped him cold. Instead, he took a drink of his coffee, burning his tongue.

* * *

G
ABE
SAT
SHELLING
peas and dropping them into an aluminum bowl sitting in his lap. It was early August, and the dog days of summer were upon them. The family of women was all busily canning in the kitchen. Large mason jars of the bright orange, sliced carrots and green beans were on the table in front of him. A sense of peace pervaded Gabe. Though Bay had regained some of her memory in early July, her mind seemed to have stopped giving her any more information.

Gabe lived in hope of her remembering them, their engagement. He’d been able to lay with her on some nights when she asked him to. He fought himself not to touch her in any intimate way. God only knew how badly Gabe wanted to make love to her, but he knew it couldn’t happen. The rape hung over him like a damned Sword of Damocles, a threat in both their lives.

He heard the women’s collective laughter, a slight smile pulling at his mouth. Poppy was a tour de force, there was no question. And her daughters were just as happy as she was. Gabe compared his own childhood to Bay’s. He remembered her fondly telling him about the cabin, about her parents. Being here, he felt a special appreciation because Bay had had an almost idyllic childhood. Maybe that was what gave her the backbone, the confidence and clarity for what she wanted out of her life.

Bay was going weekly for counseling sessions in the nearest town south of them, in Dunmore. She had no clue the woman was a rape crisis counselor, only that counseling was part of her recovery. Progress was being made, though.

Sometimes, he’d silently walk in on Bay, and she’d whirl around and gasp, her face going white with terror. The counselor told him it was a PTSD reaction. Now, he made noise to make sure Bay heard him coming, so he didn’t scare her to death.

Gabe finished the bowl of peas and took them over to the counter. Tonight, the four of them would share a family meal at Poppy’s home. She’d asked him to gather enough peas for the meal, and he had. Moving out the kitchen door, Gabe ambled to the screened-in porch. He sat down in the old, red wooden rocking swing at one end of it, tipped his head back and closed his eyes.