Never Leave Me (5 page)

She smiled back at me. “It was unexpected, Brad,” she answered. “But it’s good to see you.” “You too,” I said, sitting down. “You’re looking younger each time.”

She laughed. “Same old Brad,” she said. But I know she liked it.

I noticed there was a place set at the table for a fourth. I looked at Paul questioningly. “Somebody missing?” I asked.

He started to reply but Edith beat him to it. “No,” she said. “Here she comes now.”

I saw Paul glance over my shoulder and begin to rise to his feet. Automatically I followed suit. I turned around.

I think we saw each other at the same moment. A bright glow appeared in her eyes, and then as quickly disappeared. She seemed to hesitate for a moment, then continued on towards the table.

She held out her hand. “Mr. Rowan,” she said in a politely formal voice. “It’s good to see you again.”

I took her hand. Her fingers were trembling excitedly in mine. I held her chair while she sat down.

Edith leaned forward, smiling. “At the last minute Elaine met me for lunch and went shopping with me, Brad. She has such wonderful taste. We bought out half the stores in New York.”

“I hope you left me with enough money to pay for dinner,” Paul joked.

Edith said something to him, but I didn’t hear her reply. I couldn’t tell if the building were to collapse around me. I was looking at Elaine and her eyes were a smoky blue and hurt. Her mouth was soft and red and warm. And all I could think about was how wonderful it would be to kiss her.

AT eight, while we were dawdling over coffee, the captain came over to the table. “Your car is outside Mr. Rowan,” he informed me.

“Thanks,” I replied. I had called the garage before I left the office and told them to deliver the car by eight. I looked around the table. “Ready?”

“Ready,” Paul answered.

Edith whipped out her compact and put the face through a last-minute fix while I turned to Elaine. “How about joining us for a ride out to the airport?” I asked.

She shook her head. “I think I’d better turn in. I’m tired. Thank you just the same, Mr. Rowan.” “Oh, Elaine, come on,” Edith said. “Brad will drop you back at the hotel by ten. A little fresh air

won’t hurt you.”

Elaine looked at me, hesitating.

I nodded. “We can be back in town by ten,” I said. “Okay.” She smiled, “I’ll go with you.”

On the way out, the women sat together in the back while Paul and I sat in the front seat. Every now and then I would look up into the rear-view mirror and she would be watching me. She would turn

her eyes away quickly, but then when I would look again, her eyes would have returned.

I told him about the difficulties involved in the steel account and he told me all the latest gossip around Washington. The drive passed quickly and we arrived at the airport at ten minutes to nine. I parked the car and we all walked over to the gate. We exchanged good-byes and I promised to have Marge call Edith to-morrow. Then Paul and Edith walked through the gate and Elaine and I went back to the car.

We didn’t speak. I held the door open for her silently while she got in, then walked around the other side and got in behind the wheel. I reached forward to turn on the ignition, but her hand stopped me.

“Wait a minute,” she said. “Till their plane takes off.”

I leaned back in the seat and looked at her. She was looking through the windshield at the plane.

There was a lonely look on her face.

“Is there anything wrong?” I asked quickly.

She shook her head. “No,” she answered. “I just want to see them off safely.” “You think a lot of them?” I said. It was more a statement than a question.

She nodded. “I love them,” she said simply. “I don’t know how I would have managed after what happened if it hadn’t been for Edith and Paul.”

I lit a cigarette just as the plane motors split the night. We were silent until the plane had roared into the darkness. Then she turned to me.

There was a half smile on her lips. “Okay now.”

I didn’t move. I watched her face in the glow of the cigarette. Her skin was a creamy gold and their were flecks of fire deep in her eyes.

She was looking at me too, the smile gone from her lips. “I never expected to see you again,” she whispered.

“Nor I, you,” I replied. “Are you sorry?”

She thought for a moment. “There’s really no answer, Brad,” she said. “I don’t know how I feel.”

“I know how I feel,” I said surely.

“That’s different,” she said quickly. “You’re a man. You feel differently about things. Nothing is as important to a man as it is to a woman.”

“Isn’t it?” I asked. I flipped the cigarette out the window and put my hands on her shoulders and drew her towards me. I kissed her.

Her lips did not move, yet were not still; they were not cold but neither were they warm; they did not kiss back, and still they made love to me.

I raised my lips from hers and looked at her face. Her eyes were wide open gazing into mine. “I wanted to kiss you from the first moment I saw you,” I said.

She drew back to her side of the car and took out a cigarette. I held a match for her. She drew deeply on her cigarette and leaned her head back against the cushion. She didn’t look at me. “When David was alive, I would not look at another man, nor he at another woman.”

Her eyes were sombre and thoughtful as I watched her. I didn’t speak.

“During the war,” she continued, almost reflectively, “we were separated a great deal. You know what Washington was like then. You were there. Everybody was on the make. Nothing seemed to matter. It used to make me sick.”

I still watched her silently.

“It still does,” she said slowly. She looked directly at me and her face was carefully impassive.

I met her gaze evenly. Our eyes met and locked in silent conflict. “Are you still in love with your husband?” I asked.

Her eyelashes swept low over her eyes, hiding them from me. There was a quiet pain in her voice. “That’s not a fair question. David is dead.”

“But you’re not,” I pointed out cruelly. “You’re a grown woman now, not a child any longer. You have needs——”

“Men?” she asked, interrupting me. “Sex?” She laughed thinly. “You think that’s important?” “Love is important,” I answered. “Loving and being loved is necessary to everyone.”

Her eyes came up again to mine. “Are you saying that you’re in love with me?” she asked sceptically.

I thought for a moment. “I don’t know,” I answered slowly. “I might be, but I don’t know.” “What are you trying to say then, Brad?” she asked. “Why aren’t you honest with me—with

yourself—and say what you really want?”

I looked down at my hands to escape the pull in her glance. “Right now, all I know is that I want you,” I said. She was silent and when I looked up at her, the cigarette was burning, forgotten in her fingers. “From the moment I first saw you, I wanted you. I don’t know what it is, or how or why. But I knew I wanted you more than anything I ever wanted in my whole life.” I reached for her hand.

Her face was very still. “Brad,” she said quietly.

I bent my face towards her and kissed her lips. This time they were not still and were not cold.

They were soft and sweet and trembling. My arms went around her and we drew closer together and our kiss lasted until we ran out of breath.

She rested her head on my arm across the seat behind her. Her eyes looked up at me gently. They were fond and rich and warm. “Brad,” she whispered.

I kissed her again quickly. “Yes, Elaine?”

Her lips moved softly under mine. “Let’s not be like all the others, Brad. Don’t do anything you’ll

regret.”

“Up to now,” I said quicky, “all you talked about is me. What about you? What do you want?” “What I want is not as important as you, Brad,” she answered quietly. “You have more to lose than

I.”

I didn’t answer. There was nothing I could say.

Again she looked into my eyes. “How do you feel about your wife, Brad? Do you love her?”

“Of course I love her,” I said quickly. Then as the words echoed inadequately in the air, I added,

“You don’t stay married for as long as we have if you don’t care for each other.”

She spoke quietly, without rancour. “Then why me, Brad? Are you a little bored? Looking for adventure? A new conquest?”

I stared at her. “You’re not being fair,” I answered. “I said before—I don’t know. I don’t know what it is between a man and woman that sets them on fire. I never bothered much with women. I’ve been too busy.

“I know that I want you, that you have something for me and I for you that neither of us have ever known for anyone else. Don’t ask me how I know it because I can’t answer that either. I don’t say that I can’t live without you because I can. I can do without any thing I must do without. I know that much. “Life is made of many disappointments, but the individual survives them no matter how great they

are. All I know right now is that I wouldn’t like to do without you if I don’t have to.”

There was a faint smile on her mouth. “You’re honest, Brad. Other men have offered more.” “Honesty is the only luxury left in our society, and the most expensive.”

She took out another cigarette from her flat golden case and lit it. “You better take me home now, Brad,” she said with the flame flecking dancing gold in her eyes.

Silently I turned on the ignition. The big motor hummed quietly as I backed the car out of the parking lot and headed back to town. We didn’t exchange a word on the way back.

I stopped in front of her hotel and looked at her. “Will I see you again, Elaine?” She stared at me for a moment. “I don’t know, Brad. I don’t know if we should.” “Are you afraid of me?” I asked.

She shook her head. “You’re a strange man, Brad. No, I’m not afraid of you.” “Are you afraid you’ll fall in love with me?” I asked.

“No, I’m not afraid to fall in love with you,” she answered bluntly. “I have nothing to be afraid of.” She opened the door and stepped out of the car. She stood looking in at me. “But you, Brad; you’d better do some thinking. You’re not free and you may be looking for trouble.”

“That’s my headache,” I said quickly. “Will I see you again?” “Do what I say, Brad,” she said gently. “Better think it over.” “And when I do, if I still want to see you?” I persisted.

She shrugged her shoulders slightly. “I still don’t know. We’ll see then.” She turned away. “Good night, Brad.”

“Good night, Elaine.” I watched her walk into the hotel and disappear into the lobby before I put the car in gear.

IT was almost eleven o’clock by the time I closed the garage doors and went up the walk to the house. I could see the lights in our bedroom from the walk and a curious discomfort came over me. For the first time I wished that Marge was not waiting up for me.

In a way I guess it was my own guilt feeling shaping up. At eleven o’clock Marge wouldn’t be waiting up for me, it was just that it was too early for her to go to sleep. I paused in front of the door and lit a cigarette.

It was time I squared away with myself and levelled. Elaine had been right. I was overdue for a piece of thinking. What did I want with her anyway? If I was content, there was no need for me to look for trouble. Dames are dames.

I sat down on the porch steps and looked out into the night. Count your blessings, Brad, I told myself. You’ve got thirty grand worth of home, a hundred grand worth of business, two wonderful kids and a sweet, kind wife who knows you and understands you and you’re used to. You have everything you wanted all the hungry years of your life; why try to change things now? Why become something you’re not?

But there was something else nagging at me. Elaine. Her face. It was a picture out of a dream I once had. All the beauty I ever looked for in a woman, all the beauty I never thought was real.

I could hear her voice echoing in my mind, soft and low and warm. She was lonely, the way I had been when I was young and the world was a terrible place in which to be alone. She was afraid, the way I had been once. Afraid of the things life can do to you, with the fear that can only come from knowledge of what it has done.

I knew she liked me. I could tell that right away. People either went for me quick—or they didn’t at all. Elaine went for me. I knew that the first day in the office when I had kept her from leaving. I was sure of it when she’d acted the way she did in the office to-day. And the clincher came when I kissed her.

Not the first time. The second. She kissed me then. And she wanted me, the way I wanted her.

There was a hunger in her mouth that threatened to drain all my strength, a passion I had thought lost a long time ago had come up in-me. I had been surprised at its intensity, and a little frightened, too. That was why I had stopped. It made me realize suddenly that I was no different from any other man I knew. I didn’t know whether I liked that or not.

“Hello, you.” Marge’s voice came softly from behind me. “What’re you doing?”

I felt her hand press reassuringly down on my shoulder. Without turning around, I reached up and touched her hand. “Thinking.” I said.

I heard a rustle of her clothing. “Got a problem, Brad?” she asked sympathetically, sitting down on the step next to me. “Tell Mamma. Maybe she can help.”

I looked at her. Her hair framed her face in a gentle oval, her mouth curved sweetly. That was something I liked about her. She could listen, she was willing to listen. But this was nothing I could tell her. This was something I would have to work out myself.

“No problem, baby,” I said slowly. “I was just sitting here, thinking how good it is to get out of the city.”

Her eyes crinkled into a smile. She got to her feet, pulling me after her. “In that case, nature boy,” she laughed, “don’t forget summer is over and you can catch cold sitting like this. Better come inside

and while I fix coffee, you can tell me all about your dinner with Paul and Edith.”

I followed her through the living-room. “Mrs. Schuyler was with us too,” I said. “I drove them out to the airport and then took her back to the hotel.”