Never Have I Ever (12 page)

His face paled, as if she had confirmed his fears. “Divorce?”

“I don’t want one. Do you?”

“No. God, no.”

“Then you need to tell me everything. I want to try to work through this. Please.”

His eyes grew even bleaker. She held her breath, not sure what she would do if he refused. But he spoke, his voice low and rough. “My mom was human. To my dad, she was just some waitress he visited in town when he wanted to scratch an itch. He would never have lowered himself to marry her and dilute his pure bloodline. But by the time my mom died, my father still hadn’t had any luck procreating with a full-wolf female. So he took me in with the hopes that his DNA would trump.

“Half-breeds are an odd species. Occasionally they manifest every sign of being a were, to the point where no one can tell they’re half-human.”

Of course, she’d heard the first part of the tragic story, about Taylor’s beloved mother’s death and the circumstances that had led to him showing up on his now-estranged father’s doorstep, but it still made her ache for the confused baby he’d been. A thought occurred to her. “Taylor, if we had kids would they…”

“No. Generally by the time a generation passes the wolf blood is too diluted to result in anything except perhaps an increased affinity for sports.” His arms clenched around her. “I knew you wanted children eventually. No way would I have kept a secret from you that could negatively affect our offspring’s life.”

She believed him. “So some half-wolf children can assimilate. But not you?”

“No. By sixteen, most of the other males could shift. I couldn’t. That’s when it became very apparent that my so-called superior wolf DNA was not trumping my mother’s contribution. I was tainted, an embarrassment. So Daddy kicked me to the curb.”

Another pang. She tried to console herself with the slightly happier occurrence she knew came next in this timeline. “But Eli’s parents took you in.”

“Yeah. Luckily, Eli and I were best friends by then. His father was the alpha of our pack, and even though my father was his right-hand man, he disapproved and allowed me to come live with them.”

What a horrible man Taylor’s dad was. She’d be predisposed to dislike anyone who hurt her husband, but to renounce your child because of something he couldn’t even help? Terrible. “I don’t like your father.”

“Join the club. Not many people do.”

“So you can’t shift.”

“No.”

“But you inherited some wolf behavior, right?”

“I have a higher body temperature, a larger muscle mass, a fraction of a full-blood’s speed, which is still more than a human’s.”

Ana shifted. “And some of those wolf traits manifest in the bedroom as well?”

A long pause. “Yes.”

She was navigating through the minefield now. “Eli…Eli said that your people are generally a little rougher, harder.”

“Did he now? He’s just a regular fountain of information.”

“Don’t be mad at him, please.”

Taylor’s lashes dipped over his eyes. “Eli’s spot-on.”

There she had it. Confirmation of her husband’s true nature. Dominance and a revved sexual appetite wasn’t something he could play at on the weekend, or even a simple kink that got his rocks off. He was, literally, an animal.

Nope. No
Cosmo
article that would help here.

Hardly aware she was speaking aloud, she murmured, “I knew, as soon as I opened those photos…”

“Ana…I swear, I had no idea that anyone had ever taken those. Neither did Eli.”

“The things you were doing in them—”

He cut her off, his words tripping over themselves. “From about sixteen to twenty-six or so, werewolf hormones get seriously stirred up. You’re right, I wasn’t spared from any of that.”

“Doesn’t sound so different from anyone else in that age group,” she said dryly.

“No, it’s different. The hungers, they’re more intense, more animalistic. I can’t describe it, except to say that it’s a little bit like being on a constant hunt for the next wilder, crazier thing. The elders, they encourage it. Eli’s father pretty much gave us this place to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. This area is our territory. There are other wolves around here, so it was safe for all of the pups.”

Yeah, that would sooooo not be happening with their kids. Part wolf or not part wolf, her babies would not be getting their own bachelor pad to play in. But they could discuss that later.

“And we took advantage of it. But Eli and the others, they were just having fun. Me, I lost all control. It happens to some of us, where we get consumed by the hunt, by the hunger, like we’re feral animals. I have huge gaps of time in my memory I can’t even recall. I don’t know if my mixed blood helped screw me up, or if it was just me who couldn’t handle all of those hormones rioting inside me. All I know is that I woke up one day and couldn’t remember what I’d done in the last week. It terrified me.”

Ana stroked her husband’s arm, driven to touch him. Losing control was probably her self-disciplined Taylor’s worst nightmare. He started to get wild-eyed if he misplaced his smartphone or a calendar. To lose days at a time? Unthinkable.

“After that I started to notice that it was the lone wolves who went truly feral, who were either put down or farmed out to the countryside in glorified pack prisons. The ones who had families surrounding them, they were usually fine. Most of the others in the pack considered me inferior after my dad kicked me out, so it wasn’t like I had anyone to have Sunday dinner with. All I had was Eli, but he still wasn’t mine.” His voice was filled with naked yearning. “I wanted that. I wanted someone who I could belong with. I wanted to be normal. And if that meant I had to get rid of that darker side of me that actually craved the acts I’d done before, then…so be it.”

Time to bare her soft underbelly. “Did you marry me just because you thought I was the kind of woman who would never tempt those urges out of you? Did you marry me because I was boring and…?”

“God, no!” Taylor hugged her closer. “I married you because I love you. I love everything about you. You excite me, you are my living, breathing temptation, but I fight it because I’ve never wanted anything more than to keep you in my life.”

Lord help her, she believed him. Some of her hurt eased. “Then you fantasize still, about doing all that stuff? The bondage, the pain, the toys, the threesomes? With—with me?”

“Yes,” he said hoarsely. “But it’s just fantasies. Nothing more.”

She took a deep breath. “I need to apologize before we go any further. I’m sorry I didn’t just come to you when I got those pictures.”

“Why didn’t you? I would have explained and maybe…”

She followed his line of thought. “And maybe I never would have found out about this whole wolf thing. Eh. Nice try, but no. Be glad you’re telling me now and not on our fiftieth anniversary. I’d be really pissed then.”

His smile was fleeting and brief, but she cherished the slight upward curl of his lip. She continued. “I didn’t come to you because I was angry you didn’t tell me on your own, but also…I felt like you didn’t tell me because I just didn’t satisfy you the way some other woman once did. I-I can see your face in those pictures, Taylor.” Oh cripes, this hurt. “Until this weekend, you never looked like that with me when we had sex.”

His lips parted. “What are you talking about? I love you, and I never loved…”

She covered his mouth to cut him off. “Oh, I never doubt you love me. But that blind need, as if you’re about to lose your mind if you don’t take me? That’s just not there. And I never realized it was missing ’til I saw it.”

The emotions marching across his face made it clear he wanted to deny the charge, but couldn’t. “I don’t know what to say, Ana.”

“When I got over feeling like a fool, I thought hard about what I was going to do. Those things you were doing in those photos, they turned me on. I loved what you did to me in the car, in the shed. How do you know I won’t like the rest?” When she brushed her hand over his shoulders, she could feel the strain in his body. “I don’t mind trying it. I don’t find your desires disgusting or anything. Why should you have to bury it anymore?”

Taylor’s voice was pitched very low. “It’s one thing to add a little spice to our lives every now and again, which is how you’re treating this now, Ana. But what if it sucks me in again? What if I stop being able to just be…?”

“Normal,” she supplied, a little dryly. That word was getting on her nerves.

“
Yes.
”

“Why are you so certain it’s one or the other?”

“Did you see me last night? What I’m like when I’m getting lost to the wolf? I almost killed Eli. And I grew up with him, love him.” He stroked his hand against her face, his touch feather-light and gentle. She leaned into it. “I like the kink, sure. But I love you. I love making love to you soft and slow in our bed. I don’t want to lose that.” He pressed a kiss against her lips and drew back. “You’ll never know how sorry I am for lying to you. It was wrong, and I swear I won’t do it again. I know you’re probably still angry with me, and I don’t blame you. All I can say is that…to me, I’m not that person anymore.”

How the hell did you stop being part of your heritage? If she and Taylor had kids, they would be both white and Hispanic. They’d never be able to deny one side of themselves, and she’d be horribly sad for them if they tried. “Taylor…”

He continued speaking doggedly. “None of this, not a single thing that’s happened over the last couple of days, matters. When we go home, everything will be back to what it was.”

Her mood deflated like a popped balloon. Her proposal was way better than his. He stood up from the bed. “I’ll go throw some lunch together. Why don’t you get dressed? Or take a nap if you want.”

She didn’t say anything as he pulled on a pair of jeans, said nothing as he left the room. Her mind was churning.

She thought of the life they’d led before those damning pictures had come flying into her email. Had she been happy? Yes, very much so. She’d had a loving husband, they were both employed, their sex life was regular and satisfying. What was there to be unhappy about?

Could she go back to it? Never feel him chasing her down in the wild, tying her up? Never taunting him with dirty talk, or shocking him into some crazy act?

No.
Her response was immediate and visceral. Not that she wanted to have nothing but the kink all the time, but it would be hard to bury this newly discovered side of her without a fare-thee-well.

She just wanted…him. Both sides of him, the wild, dirty, kinky stranger and her loving, gentle, sweet husband.

What if he’s right? What if you lose that sweet man forever?

No lie, the whole eye-color-shifting thing had been kind of freaky, and she had no doubt that if she hadn’t stopped him last night, he would have remained in that Incredible Hulk state, hands wrapped around his friend’s neck.

Go back in the room, Ana
. But she had stopped him, even though he’d been overcome with rage. She wasn’t sure if he would have seriously hurt Eli—or even if he could, since she wasn’t sure what the physiology of a full wolf entailed—but he’d managed to stop in the midst of his madness to ensure her safety.

Her lips firmed. Well, damn it. She’d show him.

She’d show him that it was fine to be a little greedy.

Chapter Nine

“How much longer will it be? You told me it would be out of the way by yesterday. That tree needs to be moved.”

Taylor watched as Eli paced the carpet. His friend sighed and caved, no doubt feeling bad for the overworked dispatcher on the phone. “No, of course not. You have to take care of the town residents first. Yes, I’m warm and I’m safe. I’ll stay put. Please try to hurry though.” He pressed a button to end his call and gave Taylor a sheepish shrug. “I’m sorry. Road’s still blocked.”

“No worries.”

Eli sprawled out in the chair opposite him. “Drinking your lunch?”

Taylor swirled the bourbon in his glass. “Something like that.”

“Where’s Ana?”

“Up in the room.”

“Did you guys talk?”

“Some.”

“I’m not sorry she heard me, man. It wasn’t fair to leave her in the dark. She needed to know what you are.”

“I know. And it’s what I
was
,” he said flatly.

“You can’t deny your heritage forever.”

“Watch me. When we get back home, I’m going to do my damnedest to pretend this weekend never happened.”

“And you think she’ll let you?”

“She has to.” His voice was monotone, but Taylor couldn’t help the spurt of desperation at the thought that she wouldn’t let him forget. No, she had to. They’d forget, they’d be normal, and it would be like these fucking messed-up desires of his never got between them.

“Do you honestly think the two of you will be happy?”

He’d make her happy. Even if it killed him. “Yes.”

“You’re an idiot. You realize that there’s a middle ground, right? Look, I know you hated that feeling of being crazy out of control. But you’re not some twenty-something pup. You can have your kink and eat it too.” Eli spread his arms. “Hell, look at me.”

Eli was different. “I’m a half-breed. You’re the alpha. You honestly think there’s a comparison between our capabilities and strengths?”

Eli’s eyes flashed yellow. “Don’t make me kick your ass. Being half-human doesn’t make you any weaker when it comes to character and willpower.”

Taylor was silent. No need to speak when remembered taunts rang in his head like a never-ending soundtrack.
Weak. Ineffectual. Inferior.

“You’re the alpha?”

They both looked to the door where Ana was standing in a silky red and black robe. The deep, rich color complemented her honey-colored complexion and brightened her dark brown eyes.

Eli’s tone underwent a complete reversal from when he’d spoken to Taylor. “Why is everyone so shocked by that?”

“Because alphas are supposed to be dark and brooding and dangerous.”

“Where’s the fun in that? And I’m insulted you don’t think I’m dangerous. Why, bunnies in the forest shake when they hear my name.”

She smiled faintly. “I stand corrected.” Her gaze returned to Taylor. “I won’t forget.”