Never Ending (18 page)

He’s nineteen. He thinks I’m seventeen.

Shiv felt seventeen, just then. Twenty, twenty-five; older and wiser than she’d ever felt. Was it because of Nikos, or did it come from inside her? Whatever, she knew no boy her own age would have sat like that for long without groping her.

“How’d you hurt yourself?” Nikos asked, stroking the bump on her forehead.

“Volleyball. On the beach today – me and Declan against Mum and Dad.”

They raised their beer bottles simultaneously, sipped, lowered them again. “Synchronized drinking,” Shiv said. She was gently raking the fingernails of her free hand though the hairs on Nikos’s forearm.

“You like being with your family?”

“When we’re like that I do. Even Dad, wanting to win so bad.”

“Your brother likes to win too. Last night – at the football.”

“I guess. Not like Dad though. Declan wants to do well to prove to himself that he can. Like with the windsurfing.”

“He must not be beaten,” Nikos suggested.

“Exactly.”

“And you?”

She shook her head. “Not really.”

They fell quiet, sipping their beers. Across the water, a house on the opposite shore appeared to move; no, it was the lights of a fishing boat heading out to sea.

Nikos held her tighter. His cheek pressed against hers, so that when at last he spoke, the words vibrated on her skin. “I think your brother has a crush on me.”

Shiv twisted to look at him.
“Declan?”

She laughed. But as soon as he’d said it, she knew he was right. Of
course
, Dec had a crush on him. A harmless crush. “He likes you, that’s for sure,” she said. “A lot. You’re the big brother he never had.”

Nikos produced two more bottles. “The cool, handsome big brother.”

“Arrogance alert!” Shiv said, poking him in the ribs.

He sighed melodramatically. “I can’t help it if I’m a Greek god.”

“Yeah – half man, half bullshit.”

They kissed. When they stopped, Shiv groaned. “
God
, I can’t believe I’m going home on Friday.”

“I know.”

“When d’you go back to the mainland?”

“Sunday,” Nikos said. “The day after the wedding.”

“Oh, you will be
so
hungover.”

“I hope so.”

Shiv smiled. Then, serious again, “It’s weird to think we’re so close like this and in a few days we’ll be on opposite sides of Europe.”

Nikos held her tight.

“Sorry,” Shiv said. “I promised myself I wouldn’t get all heavy tonight.”

“What will you do tomorrow?”

“We’re going to some fort, I think. On the other side of the island.”

“What about the day after, in the evening?”

“It’s Mum and Dad’s wedding anniversary. They’re going out for a meal.”

“Just the two of them?”

“Yup. Last night of the holiday, I get to babysit my kid brother.”

“That’s tough.”

“Too right.” Then, “How about you?”

“We’re having a beach party for my brother. Just down the coast.”

As they talked, she was conscious of time ebbing away. Soon, she would have to head back to the villa before her parents wondered where she’d got to. The dread of parting, of never seeing him again, was an actual pain in her throat.

“Nikos—”

“Shh.” He touched a fingertip to her lips.

They kissed again; a long kiss that crackled with danger. Shiv didn’t want to stop but also didn’t want to go further; not then, not there on the rocks. Not yet. But there could be no “not yet” for them. Just now, or never. They went about as far as it was possible to go without removing clothes and Shiv knew they were close to the point where he wouldn’t stop and she wouldn’t want him to.

“You OK with this?” he whispered.

She just breathed against his ear, his cheeks, his lips.

Then, as Nikos began easing her shorts down, a scene popped into her head: that guy outside the minimart saying something to him in Greek about her. The other friend’s laughter.

“Sorry,” she blurted, grabbing at his wrists. Making him stop. “Nikos, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry but I can’t do this.”

They called in at the shop for milk; and mints to mask her beery breath. He gave her a ride home on his moped, lending her the only helmet. He didn’t speed, or try to scare or impress her; she held on to his waist, and he steered one-handed on the straight so he could rest his free hand on her thigh.

Nikos hadn’t taken it too well. But better than Shiv expected.

A little pushing, a little coaxing and wheedling … but he stopped. And, for all his obvious frustration, he hadn’t said anything to make her feel it was her fault.

Still, she blamed herself.

With the scent of flowers and the dusk gathering around them like a soft cape, Shiv clung to him on that moped. If she shut out what had just happened, she could easily convince herself it was the perfect end to a perfect evening.

He braked to a halt in the lay-by where the track from the villa joined the road. She thought he would simply let her get off, then drive away without saying goodbye.

But he killed the engine, dismounted with her and eased the moped onto its stand. Unhooking the bag containing the milk from the handlebar, he handed it to her in exchange for the crash-helmet, which he set down on the saddle.

“You OK?” he said.

“Yeah, fine.” She made herself look at him. “You?”

Nikos nodded. Then, gesturing at the dilapidated bus stop and the big stinky wheelie bin, “A nice, romantic spot to say goodnight.”

“You know how to show a girl a good time, don’t you?”

They were trying to put things back the way they were. The unnaturalness was worse than anything. She started to apologize again. “It was just—”
Too much, too soon
, she wanted to say.

He shushed her. “You don’t have to explain.”

Shiv blinked away the tears. Almost whispering, she managed to say, “It would’ve been my first time.”

His face, in shadow, was unreadable. “You’re cold,” he said, tracing his fingertips over the goosebumps on her arm. She shivered, as though the word “cold” had made it so.

“Hold me,” Shiv said. “Please.”

They were still hugging – kissing, softly, tentatively – when they heard the creak of the wheelie-bin lid and a plastic sack being swung inside.

Shiv and Nikos broke apart and she turned to see Dec staring at them. In the fading light, the yellow stripes of his basketball vest looked luminous.

“Declan, hey…”

But her sentence trailed off. He wasn’t gazing at her, but at Nikos. In his eyes was the truth of what Nikos had said down at the rocks – a different, more potent truth than the one she’d allowed. This was no mere crush.

He looked like someone catching a lover cheating on him.

“I, um, bumped into Nikos at the shop,” she said. “He gave me a lift home.”

Dec glanced at her, then at Nikos. His expression had shifted from bewildered hurt to spite. He stood rigid, arms straight down at his sides and fists clenched.

“I should go,” Nikos said, giving Shiv’s arm one last rub.

As Nikos remounted the moped, Declan said, “You do know she’s
fifteen
?”

11

Over the next two weeks, Shiv sticks with the programme, immerses herself deeper still. Or tries to. Each day is tougher than the last.

The routine has grown tiresome as Shiv’s energy and commitment have started to dissipate. Instead of throwing herself into it she does what is required but no longer with confidence that the treatment will work. Even the time spent with “Declan” is losing its appeal.

Be patient
, Dr Pollard urged, down at the lake. It has been a recurrent theme of their one-to-ones since then. The routine will change soon, the Director promises – the daily activities, the
therapeutic focus
, will be radically different. This is just Phase 1.

“What’s Phase 2 then?”

“Phase 2 is what comes next.”

“Is that meant to be funny?”

“It means Phase 1 is laying the foundations for what we do in Phase 2.” As for exactly what
happens
in Phase 2, “all that I ask, Siobhan, is that you stay strong and, when the time comes, be open to the possibility that it will help you.”

Trouble is, once Doubt whispers in your ear it’s hard to shut the words out.

Other therapies haven’t worked, why should this one?

They want you to feel good about yourself – but you don’t deserve to
.

You killed Declan. You should suffer for it. You should never stop suffering
.

Reducing Mikey’s influence hasn’t prevented Shiv’s decline. Although they haven’t isolated the boy altogether, or forbidden Shiv from speaking to him, he no longer joins them for Walk, Make, Talk and Write; and at Buddy Time and evening Rec, he is confined to his room. The only time Shiv or the others get to see him is at meals. Mostly, he eats by himself, but sometimes Shiv joins him – careful not to crowd him, or to abandon Caron too often.

If it’s nice enough to take lunch outside, they’ll share a bench in a sunny spot. Sometimes they talk; sometimes they just sit and eat. An orderly is never too far away from Mikey – but, even so, Shiv is glad of their snatches of time together. Apart from anything else, she doesn’t like being told who she should, or shouldn’t, be mates with.

“What do you
do
all day?” she asked, not long into this new routine.

“I have to run in the woods with Assistant Webb,” he told her. “Or they get me to help the gardener out. Push a wheelbarrow, pull up weeds and that. And I have one-to-ones with Pollard.” Then, shrugging, “Mostly, they just leave me in my cell.”

It
is
a cell now; at least, the staff agree to let him keep his room stripped right down, so long as the bed is made up properly, not just a bare mattress.

“They’re letting me play at being a convict.”

The tactics seem to be working. While Shiv grows disaffected, he is more cooperative, more at ease with himself.

Shiv gets the impression it’s a front though; that he’s simply biding his time.

Until when? To do what?

Breakfast, Day 31. Shiv and Mikey, at a table in the corner of the dining room.

Last night marked the halfway point of the programme and when Shiv woke this morning she was hoping for an announcement over the intercom.
Good morning, everyone. We are pleased to inform you that, from today, you will enter Phase 2 of your treatment…
Or something like that. The intercom remained stubbornly silent.

Mikey is trying to cheer her up with a series of terrible impressions: Hensher, Sumner, Dr Pollard. If he didn’t name them, Shiv would have no clue. They’re so bad they’re funny. Despite herself, she starts to smile. He’s on to TV characters now.

“Who’s this?” he says, pulling a face and making an odd slurring sound.

“Someone having a stroke?”

“Homer Simpson.”
Mikey is indignant. “You know, when he drools down his chin. Look.” He repeats the mime. “Beeerrr. Aarrgghh. Dooonuuuutsss.”

Shiv lets out a snort of laughter. “How did we get to the stage where
you
have to lift
me
out of a grump?”

Mikey looks pleased with himself.

As they finish their cereal, her mood is already dipping. In a moment, Mikey will go, and Shiv will head off to the assembly corridor for yet another Walk.

“If you’re thinking of digging an escape tunnel, let me know,” she says.

He gives her an odd look. “Seriously?”

She keeps forgetting that Mikey doesn’t do irony.

While they’re at the counter, tipping food scraps into the bin and stacking plates, Assistant Webb enters the dining room. With a single loud clap, he says, “You are all to report to the Blue Room. Right away, please.”

The buzz of speculation is still crackling when Dr Pollard enters the Blue Room, flanked by Webb, Hensher and Sumner, as she was way back on Day 1.

“Good morning, everyone.”

“Good morning, Dr Pollard,” they chorus.

“I’m gonna divide you into two teams,” Caron chips in, putting on a gruff, blokey voice. “And, in the losing team – one of you will be fired.”

Her wisecrack sends a wave of laughter along the line of residents. The Director and her staff remain straight-faced; even Assistant Sumner’s perma-smile is switched off.

“You have reached the midway point of your time with us,” Dr Pollard says, once the amusement has subsided. “This marks the conclusion of Phase 1 of your treatment.” She eyes each face in turn. “Today you start Phase 2.”

Lucy raises a hand.

“No questions,” the Director says.

No questions, no more interruptions. She hasn’t even started to explain what Phase 2 consists of but, already, her tone – her whole manner – prickles Shiv’s skin with apprehension. They’re into the serious stuff; like the first month has been some kind of psychiatric playgroup.

“Thank you,” Dr Pollard says, as Lucy lowers her hand.

“So, Phase 2.” The Director clasps her hands, fingers interlocked in the way that a small child might pray. “Thirty days ago, when I stood here to welcome you to the clinic, you’ll recall me saying that each of you had suffered a significant traumatic bereavement?”

Some nod; there’s hear-a-pin-drop silence along the row.

“In Phase 1, as you know, we have focused on the
object
of that bereavement: the person you lost. We have encouraged you to re-create a very strong sense of him or her. Your niece, Milly –” she gestures at Lucy, then at Caron and Docherty in turn – “your best friend, Melanie; your girlfriend, Natalie.”

Each name resonates. Docherty actually flinched when his turn came. Like she’d slapped him.

“Your brother, Declan,” Dr Pollard says, indicating Shiv; then Helen and Mikey, “your father, Peter; your sister, Phoebe.”

Mikey’s face is stony-blank. If he seemed surprised when Webb said the summons to the Blue Room included him, he has pulled the shutters back down now.

“When a loved one dies,” the Director goes on, “it is not unreasonable for us to wish they were still with us – even to imagine that they
are
.” Dr Pollard’s gaze alights briefly on each resident. “We see them, talk to them. Our heads fill up with thoughts of them so that they seem to be more present than absent.” She pauses, fingers still interlocked, her knuckles white. “Some bereaved people find this a comfort, some a torment. For some, it is both.”