Necessary Lies (40 page)

“You need to sleep,” I said to her now. “You can nap in my bed.”

“Well,” she said, sipping her coffee, “first we need to talk.”

“All right.” I owed her an explanation. Several, actually. I’d only had a chance to tell her bits and pieces of what was going on.

“You’ve essentially … kidnapped this girl?”

“Her grandmother told her she could come with me. But, I’d say she gave her permission … under duress.”

“But you were already fired when you took her?”

I nodded.

“Why?”

I reached for her pack of Salems on the table. “May I?” I asked.

She nodded, and I lit one of the cigarettes and inhaled deeply, the menthol like ice in my throat. “I wasn’t following the rules,” I said. “And I got too involved with my clients. That’s what they said, anyway.” I told her about Ivy’s petition and how I’d tried to fight it. “They do this to girls and women who aren’t smart enough or healthy enough or rich enough … or
white
enough … to fight it. They say it’s for women who are mentally retarded or mentally ill or epileptic. Ivy’s epileptic, but—”

“She is?”

“Yes, but her seizures are very rare.” I’d honestly forgotten about her epilepsy during her labor, and now I was relieved she’d had no problems with it. “She mostly had them when she was younger, although I’ve seen her have a small one.”

“That doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to sterilize her,” my mother said. “She came through this fine, and she seems like a sweet girl.”

“She
is
a sweet girl. But she’s poor. Very poor. So maybe her children won’t have the best chance at a future, but still … it should be her right to say yes or no to having more kids.”

“So, you argued for her and they fired you?”

“Exactly.” I took another drag on the cigarette and blew the smoke away from us. “I also did some other things they didn’t like. I took Ivy and her sister to the beach one day. Against the rules, though I honestly didn’t know it.”

My mother couldn’t hide her smile. “You were never good at following the rules,” she said. “Even as a little girl, you insisted on coloring outside the lines. You said it was prettier that way.”

“Robert calls it ‘stubbornness.’”

“Yes, you are that.” She pushed her half-eaten lunch to the side and lit a cigarette from mine. “So, your department … Won’t they realize you took Ivy?”

“It depends on what the grandmother says. She told me she’d say Ivy ran away.”

“What do you plan to do with her, though? You mentioned an attorney?”

I told her about Gavin and my hope he could help us. “But it turns out he’s on a cruise until Monday,” I said, tamping out my cigarette, “so nothing quite went according to my plan.”

“Oh, Jane.” She shook her head. “I can’t believe you did this. You could be in so much trouble.”

“I know, Mom. But I had to. I needed to
save
her.”

She studied the tip of her cigarette. “Sweetie,” she said slowly, “after the accident … you did what you thought was right, leaving Teresa to go for help. I hope you’ve never doubted that.”

My cheeks felt hot. I couldn’t look her in the eye. “Of course I’ve doubted it.” I ran my fingertips over the edge of the ashtray.

“I think I would have done the same thing you did. I’ve never held that against you. You know that, don’t you?”

“I think you would have stayed with her.”

“Well, even if I did, I believe she would have died anyway. I don’t think anyone or anything could have saved her.”

“Ivy lost her sister, too.” I looked at her. “It’s only been two weeks.”

“Oh no.”

“The department lied to her—to Ivy’s sister—about her sterilization,” I said. “I thought that was cruel, so I told her the truth. And then I had to take her little boy away from her for neglect after he got into the grandmother’s medicine.” I started to cry. “And then she killed herself.”

“Oh, Jane.” My mother stubbed out her cigarette and moved to my side of the breakfast nook, her arms around me.

“I feel like that was my fault, too,” I said.

“You were doing your job.”

“But I should have realized how depressed she was and helped her.”

She let me cry for a minute, rocking me like I was her little girl again. Then she picked up a napkin and dried my cheeks. “You threw yourself into this social work job with your whole heart, Jane,” she said. “But maybe it wasn’t meant for you.”

“I thought I was doing some good until everything fell apart.”

“There are other jobs,” she said. “There’s other rewarding work.”

“And there are other
Ivies,
too,” I said. “Now that I know they exist, I can’t just forget about them.”

“Can your marriage handle it if you don’t?”

I shook my head.

“Sometimes coloring outside the lines can cost you,” she said. “Only you can figure out if it’s worth it.”

*   *   *

She went upstairs to say good-bye to Ivy, then came back into the kitchen and gave me another hug. “I have off tomorrow, so I’ll come back in the morning,” she said.

“I hate for you to go,” I said. “I know nothing about taking care of a baby.”

“I’m five minutes away,” she said.

“You won’t say anything to anyone, will you?” I knotted my hands in front of me. “I know this puts you in a terrible position. I’ll say I delivered the baby myself when I speak to Gavin. The attorney. I won’t bring your name—”

“Don’t lie,” she said, patting my hands. “If the attorney can get you out of this mess, I’ll assume he can get me out of it, too.”

52

Ivy

It was Monday morning, the day the lawyer was supposed to be back. My nerves was on edge, waiting for Jane to call him. I had a dream last night he didn’t come back and I woke up in a sweat. I wasn’t sleeping so good since Mary was born because she was always hungry. Until yesterday, Jane had to get up every time Mary needed the bottle, because she didn’t want me to go downstairs to heat it up. But yesterday, Jane’s mama said she thought it was time I got up and moved around, so now it was all up to me. So far, except for being sleepy all the time, it was going fine.

Mary was done eating and I put the bottle on the table and raised her to my shoulder to burp her. I heard Jane on the stairs and saw her through the open door carrying my breakfast tray. I told her she didn’t have to wait on me no more, but she said this one last time. Someday I’ll pay her back for everything she done for me.

“Hi, honey,” she said. “You ready to put Mary in her basket and have some breakfast?” We’d made up the laundry basket with a soft blanket for Mary and she loved it, except for the colic. Jane’s mama said that’s why she got fussy sometimes and to burp her good. She said Jane had colic when she was a baby, too.

“I’m still burping her,” I said.

“How about I do that while you eat?” Jane put the tray on my lap and took Mary from me. Jane loved holding her. The baby crinkled up her face like she was going to holler but once she was on Jane’s shoulder she settled right down. Jane sat next to me on the bed and patted Mary’s back. I found out Jane was only seven years older than me. I always thought she was so much older because she seemed like it, but here in her house it was more like we was friends almost the same age. We done this a few times, the past couple of days, sitting next to each other, leaning against the headboard and talking about one thing or the other. Mostly about what she’d tell the lawyer this morning. She was real nervous about that.

I started eating. She’d made me fried eggs and grits and sausage and a cup of fruit. She was always making me more food than I could eat.

“Sweet little baby,” Jane whispered against Mary’s ear while she patted her back.

“Your mama said don’t be afraid to do it harder.” I cut the sausage with the side of my fork. “Helps with the colic.”

Jane patted a little harder. “Mom agrees with me that you’re going to be a good mother,” she said.

“She did?” That made me happy. I liked Jane’s mama so much.

“Uh-huh. She said you have a natural feel for how to handle Mary,” she said. “A ‘natural confidence,’ she called it.”

I liked the sound of that.
A natural confidence.

“I noticed that about you from when I first met you, Ivy,” Jane said. “You were the one running your household. Making sure everyone was taken care of.”

“I didn’t do such a good job of that,” I said, thinking of Baby William and my sister.

“You were up against too much.”

Mary made chirpy sounds against Jane’s shoulder and I reached over to touch her cheek. She wasn’t wrinkly no more. Her skin was smooth as butter under my fingertips. She still didn’t have a hair on her head, though.

“I keep wondering about my own mama,” I said. “Did she ever love me like I love Mary? I wish I remembered her better. Or I could see her.”

Jane didn’t say nothing right away. “I don’t think it’s fair you never got to visit her,” she said finally.

“She’s still alive, ain’t she?”

“As far as I know.”

“Did they do it to her, too? The operation?”

Jane nodded. “They do it to most patients in institutions,” she said.

“Why?” I asked. “Who’d she have a baby with if she’s locked away?”

Jane let out a long sigh. “Hard to say,” she said, and I could tell she wasn’t going to talk no more about it.

“They’re trying to erase us,” I said. “Erase my whole family. Like we was never born.” I thought of sweet Baby William, wherever he was, maybe getting the operation, too, ’cause Jane told me they done it to some boys. That put tears in my eyes. “If you didn’t come get me, I’d of had the operation by now, wouldn’t I?” That kilt my appetite and I put down my fork.

Jane nodded. “I think so, honey.”

I felt like screaming, it made me so mad. By now they would of cut me open and got rid of my chance to have a family. Mrs. Werkman! I thought she was wonderful. If Jane didn’t take over for her, I’d be cut open right now and everybody would of told me they took out my appendix.

“Thank you for coming along when you did,” I said.

Jane stood up. She kissed Mary on her forehead before putting her down in the basket. Mary let out a cry, but then went quiet. Jane looked at me.

“We’re not out of the woods yet, Ivy,” she said, looking at her watch. “I don’t know what Gavin’s going to say when I talk to him. I’m sure he’ll try to help us, but even though you and I think I did the right thing, it wasn’t legal and I’m not sure what will happen.”

“Cutting girls open without them having a say-so shouldn’t be legal, either,” I said.

Jane smiled. “I agree with you there.” She looked at my plate, hardly touched. “You want to hold on to that a while?”

I wasn’t hungry no longer, but I knew I had to eat for Mary’s sake. “I’ll keep it,” I said.

“After breakfast, I’ll help you bring Mary downstairs and we can play cards or watch TV,” she said.

“All right.” It seemed like months ago that we watched them programs on her television. So much happened since then. My whole life was different now. I was a mama. Television didn’t hold a candle to that. “How long till you call the lawyer?”

She looked at her watch again. “It’s eight-thirty,” she said. “I’ll call at nine. I hope he gets to his office by then.”

Jane went downstairs and I was picking at my breakfast again when I heard a car door slam outside. I stopped chewing to listen. Jane’s mother already came over this morning on her way to her job, so it couldn’t be her. I was scared Jane’s husband would come home early from Atlanta. She didn’t talk much about him, but I was sure he didn’t want to find no strange girl and baby in his house. Real quick, two more car doors slammed. I nearly knocked over my tray getting out of the bed and running to the window.

Police cars! Two of them, one in the driveway, one parked out front. I saw a lady and two policemen walking up the sidewalk. I lifted Mary out of the basket and put her against my shoulder. Then I grabbed the fork from my tray and looked for a place to hide. The closet. It was my only choice.

It was black in there. The only light came through the keyhole. There was some coats or something hanging up, but not too much, and nothing on the floor. I sat down as easy as I could so Mary wouldn’t wake up. She was being real good. She settled into the crook of my arm and I rocked her a little. I held the fork in my fist, the sharp part pointing out, and if a policeman opened the closet door I was going to stab him in the face or the legs or wherever I could reach. I wasn’t going without a fight! I just hoped Jane could say something that would make them go away. That lady with them … who was she? Maybe they had nothing to do with me? But I knew better. Policemen didn’t come to your house for no good reason, and I was the only good reason around.

I’d left the bedroom door open.
Dumb.
I heard the doorbell. Then thumping on the door, like Jane wasn’t fast enough opening it. Maybe she wouldn’t open it at all if she saw it was the police. But then I heard voices and knew they was inside and I started to cry. They was going to take me and cut me open. And when Mary got old enough, they’d do the same thing to her. They’d erase us. Right now, though, me and Mary was alive and together. I took the fork and dug our names into the wall of the closet.
“Ivy and Mary was here,”
I wrote. I dug so deep into the wall, no one would ever be able to erase the words. Not ever.

53

Jane

It was a minute before nine o’clock and I was ready to dial Gavin’s office number when the doorbell rang. I was afraid I knew who it was without looking and I dialed quickly, but only made it through four turns of the dial before the pounding started. I hung up and walked into the foyer. Through the sidelight, I could see a blue uniform.

I opened the door and feigned a look of utter surprise at seeing two policemen and Paula standing on my porch.

“Paula!” I said. “What are you doing here?” I glanced from her to the policemen, one young and feminine looking, the other much older, gray hair at his temples beneath his hat. “What’s going on?” I asked.

“Are you Jane Forrester?” the younger one asked.