Nan's Journey (20 page)

“Yes.”

“Unless when you and Fred came together
…
”

“No, Fred has been very understanding and kind to me. He hasn’t touched me.”

“I see. No one else knows about the rape?”

“Fred wanted to protect me from vicious tongues.”

“That was probably wise. Do his Ma and Pa know?”

“No.”

“He is very protective of you.”

“Yes.”

“Do you blame him for not being around when the men attacked you?”

“No. I don’t think so. Doctor, the dream I had about one of them stealing my baby was just so real, I don’t know how to deal with it.”

“In medical school we learned that the mind does play tricks on people who have been through great trauma. I think that may be the case here. But, young one, you are going to be fine. When you become frightened look at that little baby and realize that he is here and safe. Fred and Elmer are devoted to you and will always be here.”

“Doctor, I have a very odd question to ask you, if I may.”

“Yes?”

“Why? Why do so many things go wrong in my life?”

“Nan, we may never know the answer to that but my opinion is that you have already had your share of tragedy, so things will definitely be better from this point on.”

“Promise?”

“If you try hard to take good care of yourself, yep, I promise.”

As the doctor left the room he saw Fred standing in the kitchen. “Doctor, you were in there such a long time. Is Nan going to be all right? Is she…all right?”

“Fred will you walk with me?”

“Surely. Is she ..what’s wrong with her? Will she live?”

The evening air was brisk as they strolled down the street toward the doctor’s residence. “Yes, if she finds the will to live.”

“What do you mean? Could she die?”

“Nan has been through a lot. It is a wonder that she has lived this long.” Doc darted a look at Fred’s face. Fred looked startled. The doctor stopped at the door of his office, “Fred, she told me everything. About the beatings from her stepmother and the attack of the trappers and the way you rescued her.”

Fred pushed his hat back and wiped the sweat from his brow. “I can’t believe that she told you all of that. I don’t know what to say.”

“Fred, I think you need to tell me about what you plan to do from here on.”

“What do you mean?”

“The way I see it is that you married the girl from pity or guilt and now you don’t know what to do.”

“No. You have it all wrong! I love her. With all my heart I love her!”

Doc squinted his eyes and looked hard at Fred. “Tell me how that came about.”

“At first I thought she was a lot younger than she is. The thought of love never entered my mind. When I came to the cabin and Nan had been taken, I thought I couldn’t stand it if I never saw her again. I had to go after her.”

“You married her because…”

“You know what happened to her. I thought that if she was in the family way I should stand by her… so no one could find fault in her. You know how people are!”

“Did she care for you?”

“I think she was relieved
to be married because her step
parents couldn’t get to her then.”

“And now?”

“I think she loves me as a brother.”

“Is that enough for you? Will you stay with her?”

“Yes. Even if she never loves me the way I love her I will stay with her. I also love Elmer and Teddy.”

“So Teddy is to be regarded as your son?”

“Of course. Doc, please don’t let any of this get out. It would hurt Nan.”

“I will tell no one.”

“Doc, I have been feeling so guilty about loving Nan. I feel as if I am taking away from the love I had for Claire. Claire and Joy were everything to me. I have held them in my heart so long and never want to forget what we had together as a family.”

“Fred, Claire and Joy have been gone for nigh unto
two
years now. She loved you so much. I don’t think she would want you to make an idol of your love.”

“What do you mean?”

“When you hold the memory someone that close to your heart and don’t let anyone else in, you have made a shrine and set her memory up as something to worship. God is the only one we are to worship.”

“I never saw it that way. I just have been missing them so much.”

“I think God gave Nan and Elmer to you just in the nick of time. You were away from everyone for such a long time.”

“I’m glad that they came when they did. I think Claire would approve of Nan. Nan is much different than Claire, but it is like comparing sunset and sunrise. They each have a beauty of spirit.”

“Spoken like a man in love.”

“Thank you for your insight, friend.”

“I think Nan needs to know that you love her not as a sister, but as a woman. You need to tell her so that she will try harder to get well.”

“You don’t think it would confuse her more?”

“Trust me, Fred, you must tell her today.”

*****

Fred eased the door to the bedroom open and gazed at Nan nursing the infant. She was stretched out on the bed with the child nestled by her side. It was a beautiful picture. She looked up at him and smiling said, “Teddy is nursing better now. I think he looks better don’t you?”

“Yes, you both look much better since you arrived here. Nan, I need to tell you something before I lose my nerve.”

Nan paled and put her hand to her throat in despair.

“No, Nan, you aren’t in danger. I just need to tell you that …well…
y
ou mean everything to me. I love you. I don’t expect anything from you but I do hope that with time we can be more than friends. You might grow to love me like a husband. If you do, I would be so happy. If you don’t, I won’t be changing the way I feel about you. There, I said it. It needed to be said.”

“Fred, I am afraid that you think you love me and what you really feel is pity. You don’t have to worry about loving me that way. I know that you have a good heart.”

“I may have felt enormous pity for you and Elmer at first. Goodness knows I have! Let me tell you this, if you were no longer in my life I feel like I would die. I know what love feels like. I do love you. I felt guilty because I love you so much… mainly because I felt I was being untrue to Claire
—
but Nan, you have captured a brand new place in my heart. The heart that I thought had died two years ago. It beats for you.”

“Oh Fred!” A bright smile chased across her tired face and tears stood in her eyes, “I do love you!”

Fred knelt next to the bed and gathered her and Teddy into his arms, “We are truly a family now!”

Chapter
21

Mary threw out the last of the wash water onto the large garden. It was the last of the diapers washed and up on the line. Her sweet baby boy lay
in a basket next to the clothes
line. She breathed in the smell of the drying clothes flapping in the breeze.

The lye soap and sunshine concocted a fragrance that could not be duplicated. Funny, the smell took her right back to her childhood. Her Ma had her help with hanging up the wash. She enjoyed the chore. It was one chore complemented by her Ma.
Goodness, there surely was a lot to wash on washday.

She stood back and surveyed the clothes on the line. She almost giggled when she saw Mr. Dewey’s overalls flapping in the wind. They almost looked to be walking. There were dozens of diapers all lined up crisp and clean. She was right proud of her expertise in the laundry department. Her Ma always told her that you could tell a woman who was worth her salt by the cleanliness of her laundry. It had to be done on Monday, rain or shine. It was a mark of a lazy woman if it were put off to Tuesday.

Tuesday had
its
own set of chores.
Man alive, I have wasted way too much time thinking on the past this morning. I have much to do!

She tested the corner of one of the diapers and found that it was almost dry already. She would feed her little darling first and then gather them in to fold up. Feeding him was her favorite activity ever. She had the luxury of rocking him and trying to memorize every part of his little face. She observed his long lashes that softly brushed against his cheeks while he slept. Those eyes! Blue and sharp, they looked intelligently and lovingly at her. She could gaze into those eyes forever. His little mouth looked like a baby rosebud. He was perfect.

Mr. Dewey was even fond of him. He had gone to Trinidad to see the lawyer this week to “set some of the estate to rights.” It was good to have him gone for the week so that she could cuddle and kiss her sweet baby. Mr. Dewey didn’t want her “
fussing
” over him very much, but Mary had so much love bustin’ in her heart that she couldn’t help but kiss the soft rosy cheeks. Baby Sammy cooed and smacked his rosebud lips. “Li’l Darlin’, let me put you in your cradle while I gather those diapers.”

She
laid
the infant in the cradle next to the kitchen table and brought in a basket full of diapers and a few shirts. She
laid
the shirts across the back of the chair and began folding the snowy white diapers. Sammy watched as she flipped them and snapped them efficiently in the air and then smoothed them into perfect triangles and stacked them on the big wooden table.

As she folded and smoothed, she looked at the expressive little eyes and though,
“I love him so much. Will old Sam teach him to be cruel and mean? Somehow, I must teach him to be kind. Kind? Me teach him to be kind?”
Tears gathered in the corners of her faded blue eyes and she tried to piece together a plan. This might be more difficult than being accepted into the town.
I have been playing a part for Mr. Dewey and the women of the town, but I have to be in earnest with this innocent little one. I want him to trust me… and I want to be able to trust him too when he grows up
.
She sat there in serious reflection until a knock to the door started her out of her thoughts.

“Mrs. Dewey, Mary, are you there?”

Mary jumped up and opened the door to the voice of her new pastor. “Yes, Parson, please do come in. You will have to pardon the mess, but I have been doing my Monday chores. Do come into the parlor and I will bring you a glass of cool water.”

“That’s alright, Mary, I just came by to see the little fellow and to remind you that we are having special services tonight. I want you to be there with Mr. Dewey at
seven
o’clock.”

“Parson, Mr. Dewey is out of town this week.”

“Fine, but be sure that you attend tonight.”

“Is it a business meeting or missions meeting?”

“No, there is a man who is very special to me coming to speak to our congregation. I want the church house to be full for him. He hasn’t preached for several years and I want him to be encouraged with a good crowd.”

“I see, well…”

“I won’t take no for an answer. I must be going. Good day.”

“Good day, Parson.”

Mary sank into her chair and stormed inside,
“That is just like a man, tellin’ a body what to do! Course, I’ll go! I don’t want Mrs. Waide talkin’ behind my back and I don’t want the new pastor’s wife to get the wrong idea about me.”

She selected one of her newer dresses that she hadn’t worn much. She
was
saving it to wear to the next sewing circle,
but if this meeting were so all-
fired important, she would wear it. She laid out a fresh little smock for Sammy and packed a few diapers into a clean flour sack.

She would bath him and herself and make a good impression on them all.
Why couldn’t a body just be themselves and be accepted? I’m so tired of playing these stupid games. It was so much easier when I didn’t care, but I want the best for my son so the act must continue. I’ll smile all evening if it breaks my face off! They won’t know what I am thinking behind the smile. That will make it easier. I do find myself laughing at how gullible they are and all. Maybe it won’t be so hard.
With that, Mary began preparing for the special church service.

Chapter
22

Fred was sweating profusely as he unloaded the boxcar for his father. The little store was busy these days and shipments came more frequently. He had asked Pa if he could work for him while he, Nan, and Elmer lived at the old home. Pa had told him that he would be glad to pay him so that they could get into a little house of their own. He straightened his back into a stretch to get a kink out of it when he spotted a face from his past.

Stepping off the train and onto the platform was a man dressed in his Sunday best black suit. He donned a black hat and would have been mistaken for a riverboat gambler if it had not been for the worn black Bible he held comfortably in his left hand. He carried it as if it were a glove that he wore. There was no thought of it as he made his way through the press of passengers departing the train. His easy gait distinguished him from the rest of the weary travelers. Fred grinned in spite of the catch in his back.