Nanny Piggins and the Rival Ringmaster (14 page)

When Boris returned that night he was a very tired bear.

‘How did it go?’ asked Samantha, as Boris slumped into the most comfortable armchair (fortunately Mr Green was not in it at the time or he would have been squashed like a pancake).

‘It was dreadful!’ wailed Boris.

‘Really?’ asked Derrick. ‘I thought everyone was nice to movie stars.’

‘Oh yes, everyone says nice things but the things they want you to do are so … so … degrading,’ said Boris with a shudder.

‘They didn’t make you do a nude scene, did they?’ asked Nanny Piggins, rolling up her sleeves getting ready to be outraged.

‘But Boris is always nude,’ whispered Michael. ‘He has fur, not clothes.’

‘Still, it’s the principle of the matter,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘He’s a young, impressionable bear.’

‘No, I didn’t have to put on clothes then take them off,’ admitted Boris, ‘but there were other terrible things they made me do.’ Boris held his paws over his face from shame.

‘You can tell us, Boris,’ said Samantha kindly. ‘We won’t judge you.’

Boris peaked through his paws. Tears had already welled in his eyes. ‘I had to stand there under baking hot lights, doing the same scene over and over and over again,’ he explained, ‘while the camera was on one actor, then the next, then the next. And when it came to be my turn to be on camera, well …’ Boris sobbed, ‘they were rude.’

‘What did they say?’ demanded Nanny Piggins.

‘They said …’ (Boris stopped to sob a few times and blow his nose on a handkerchief) … ‘they said that I should stop doing pirouettes and just say my lines,’ wept Boris.

‘Why were you doing ballet moves?’ asked Derrick.

‘It was such a dull scene,’ said Boris. ‘They were talking about the ultimate destruction of the universe
and the fight of good versus evil, but it was just a bunch of people standing around yap-yap-yapping. I thought if I added some beautiful movement to the scene it would stop the viewers getting bored.’

‘Which sounds like an excellent idea,’ agreed Nanny Piggins.

‘But the director said that I was playing a Branthod and that Branthods don’t dance!’ continued Boris.

‘No!’ exclaimed Nanny Piggins.

‘That’s what I said,’ said Boris. ‘I said, are you sure? If not ballet, then what about tap, or tango, or the cha-cha, or that funny type of Scottish dancing with the swords? But the director said, “No. Branthods don’t do any type of dancing at all.”’

‘That’s terrible,’ said Nanny Piggins.

‘That’s what I said,’ said Boris. ‘I never would have agreed to play the part if I knew that Branthods don’t dance. Nobody would be able to look at me for a second and believe that I couldn’t dance.’

‘Absolutely,’ agreed Nanny Piggins. ‘You have the body of a ballerina.’

‘So did you quit?’ asked Michael.

‘No, because at that point we stopped for lunch,’ said Boris. ‘They had laid out a table full of sandwiches, and baked goods, and snacks that were
delicious. But after finishing my meal I looked up to see the whole crew and cast staring at me.’

‘Why?’ asked Nanny Piggins.

‘Apparently that was not my lunch,’ explained Boris. ‘That lunch was for everybody to share.’

‘There wasn’t a table full of food each?’ asked Nanny Piggins.

‘No,’ said Boris.

‘But that’s ridiculous,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘You’re a growing bear.’

‘That’s what I said, but everyone was still cross at me,’ said Boris. ‘Except the actresses, because they don’t like eating.’

‘So were people mean to you?’ asked Derrick.

‘Well they looked like they were going to be,’ said Boris, ‘so I went to hide in my trailer. And when I got inside I remembered the packed lunch Nanny Piggins had made for me and I ate that to cheer myself up.’

‘Very wise,’ said Nanny Piggins.

‘But then when they called me for my next scene the door of my trailer had shrunk and I couldn’t get out,’ explained Boris.

‘The door had shrunk?’ asked Samantha.

‘What other explanation could there be?’ asked Boris.

The children were too polite to point out that he may have gained some weight from eating enough food to feed fifty people, then a large suitcase full of honey-enhanced baked goods.

‘It was so humiliating,’ sobbed Boris. ‘If the lady from catering hadn’t found her can opener and used it to cut a wider doorway for me, I’d still be stuck there now.’

‘That was very kind of her,’ said Samantha.

‘The lady from catering likes me,’ explained Boris. ‘She says I am the first actor to appreciate her food.’

‘Then did you quit?’ asked Michael.

‘Well, I tried to,’ said Boris. ‘I went to see the producer and I told him how I felt and I wept a little, but instead of saying “That’s all right, Boris”, he got angry with me.’

‘No!’ exclaimed Nanny Piggins.

‘He told me that I had signed a contract and I had to honour it or he would sue me for all my money,’ said Boris.

‘He threatened to sue you for 26 cents?’ asked Michael.

‘And he said if I didn’t finish the film he would see to it that I never worked again,’ continued Boris.

‘But you didn’t work before,’ said Samantha.

‘Yes, but that was from choice,’ said Boris. ‘I wouldn’t like to have the choice to do something taken away from me. So I have to go back and do it all again tomorrow.’

‘Hmm,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Not if you get fired.’

‘Oh no, I don’t want to be fired out of a cannon,’ said Boris. ‘You know I didn’t like it the one time I tried.’

‘No, I mean get fired from your job,’ explained Nanny Piggins. ‘You’ll just have to be so difficult to work with that they tear up your contract.’

‘But I don’t think I could do that,’ said Boris. ‘I don’t want to be difficult.’

‘You will have to learn,’ said Nanny Piggins.

And so that very evening Nanny Piggins and the children set to work teaching Boris to be unpleasant. It was not an easy job. Being such a polite bear, rudeness did not come naturally to him.

Nanny Piggins decided to start small by teaching Boris to stop saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.

‘Right, I am going to hand you this biscuit,’ said Nanny Piggins, ‘and when you take it I want you to not say thank you.’

‘All right,’ said Boris, staring at the biscuit with intent concentration.

‘Here goes,’ said Nanny Piggins, holding out the treat.

Boris took it in his paw. ‘Thank you’ he said, before popping it in his mouth.

‘Boris,’ chided Nanny Piggins. ‘You’re were supposed to
not
say thank you. Remember you’re learning how to be a rude and obnoxious movie star.’

‘Sorry,’ said Boris.

‘You should stop saying that too,’ said Nanny Piggins.

‘I apologise,’ said Boris.

‘That’s too polite too,’ said Nanny Piggins.

‘Oh dear,’ said Boris. ‘I didn’t realise I was such a nice bear.’

‘But you are,’ said Samantha with a smile (she liked Boris just the way he was).

‘Okay, let’s try this again,’ said Nanny Piggins, holding up a biscuit. ‘Remember, no more thank yous.’

She handed it to Boris.

‘Thank you,’ said Boris.

‘Bo-ris!’ exclaimed Nanny Piggins.

‘Sorry,’ said Boris. ‘When I see the biscuit I’m just so grateful to be getting it that everything else leaves my mind.’

Nanny Piggins sighed. ‘That’s all right, we have all night. I’m sure I can teach you to be rude and obnoxious if we just stick with it.’

It did take all night. But by five in the morning Boris had stopped using politeness words and was even making a few rude demands like ‘fetch me a jar of honey,’ and ‘I’ll do as much ballet as I like’. The children suspected that sleep deprivation more than Nanny Piggins’ coaching had contributed to Boris’ new-found grumpiness.

‘All right,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘You’re all ready to go back to the set. When they see how rude you are now, I’m sure they’ll fire you.’

‘Do you think so?’ asked Boris hopefully.

‘If you are truly discourteous to everyone you’ll be fine,’ said Nanny Piggins.

‘Thank you,’ said Boris giving his sister a big hug.

‘Ah-ah-ah,’ chided Nanny Piggins.

‘That will be my last thank you for the day, I promise,’ said Boris.

At eight o’clock that night Boris returned home looking weary.

‘How did it go?’ asked Michael.

‘Dreadfully,’ said Boris.

‘Why? Because you couldn’t keep up being rude to everyone?’ asked Derrick.

‘No, I found I actually quite liked being rude to everyone once I got in the swing of it,’ said Boris. ‘The problem was that everybody else liked it too.’

‘What do you mean?’ asked Nanny Piggins.

‘Apparently that is the way actors normally behave, so as soon as I started being rude and demanding the crew felt much more comfortable and they all started to like me,’ explained Boris. ‘Before I left they gave me this.’ Boris took out a mug. Printed on the side it read …

Our Favourite Actor Of The Day

‘They give out mugs to their favourite actors?’ said a puzzled Nanny Piggins.

‘It’s more of a tool for upsetting the actors who don’t get the mugs,’ explained Boris. ‘And the director liked me so much he wants me written into more scenes, which will mean another four weeks added to my contract.’

‘Right, that’s it!’ announced Nanny Piggins. ‘This has gone on too long.’

‘What are you going to do?’ asked Derrick.

‘Are you going to teach Boris how to trash the set?’ asked Michael hopefully. (Like most small boys he enjoyed wrecking things.)

‘No, I’m going to take the matter in hand personally,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Boris, you get a good night’s rest. Tomorrow I will be coming to work with you to get you fired.’

‘Oh thank you, Sarah, thank you,’ gushed Boris. ‘If anybody can upset these film people, I’m sure you can.’

So the next morning Nanny Piggins and the children went with Boris to the film set. It was nowhere near as glamorous as the children had imagined. There were wires everywhere, scruffy people fiddling with equipment and all the glamorous high-tech space sets seemed to be entirely held together by gaffer tape.

‘We’re doing a big scene where the death-bots land their spaceship and have a huge phaser shoot-out with the heroes today,’ explained Boris. ‘So the
crew are getting ready for that because there will be special effects with smoke and explosions.’