Nameless (62 page)

She didn’t want
Seth to see. Or Mackenzie.

Seth, of
course, was standing right there and so he saw anyway. He moved even closer.
Started to reach out for her until she jerked away.

“Please tell
me,” he murmured.

“It’s my job. It’s
mine,” she made herself say. “It’s not good anymore, but it’s mine.”

“I know it’s
yours, baby, but I still don’t understand.” He sounded almost helpless.

It was the helplessness
she heard in him that pushed her into speaking the words. “I can’t give it up.
I can’t give up everything. Not again.”

She’d given up law
school and all of her career goals when she’d married Marcus, and she’d gotten
nothing in their place.

Her rational
mind knew Seth wasn’t like Marcus. And she was convinced she had more now than
she’d ever had before.

She’d stopped
holding back—so much—but the job was still a stronghold, something that
couldn’t be taken.

She shouldn’t
need it anymore. She knew she didn’t need it.

But she still
didn’t want to let it go.

With a rough
sound in his throat, Seth pulled her into his arms.  She shook against his
chest, smothering the unexpected wave of emotion.

 “Just tell me
what you need me to do,” he said against her hair.

“There’s
nothing,” she replied, managing to pull herself together and draw back. “You
can’t fix this, Seth, and we don’t have time to talk about it now anyway.”

His eyes scrutinized
her, bore into her soul. He must have seen something there that gave him enough
assurance to let the subject go for now.

“We’ll talk
about it tonight.” He looked at his watch. “I really do need to leave.”

 “Is there any
way,” she said slowly, trying her best to be reasonable, “that you can stay for
a few more minutes so I can start my shower. Stella’s going to be late.”

Seth hesitated.
Looked at his watch again. Now that the emotional crisis was averted, he clearly
wasn’t excited about delaying his work day.

He was actually
pretty good about doing his share with Mackenzie, but he also had a very
committed attitude toward his work. All he said now was, “All right. I don’t
have a meeting first thing this morning. Just don't take too long.”

With a sigh of
relief, Erin ran to the master bathroom before Seth changed his mind. She was
out of the bathroom in less than ten minutes. Heard Stella’s voice, so she came
out to the main hallway in her bathrobe.

“Hi,” she said
in relief, as Stella caught up Mackenzie in a big hug. “We’re a mess this
morning. Sorry. And Mackenzie’s blanket is in the washing machine.”

Stella nodded,
greeted her cheerfully, and efficiently began picking up a couple of toys,
which the toddler had pulled into the hall this morning.

Seth glanced at
his watch again. “I’m going to get going then.” His words were addressed to Erin,
and he held her eyes with a significant look.

“Okay. Thanks
for staying late.”

Seth returned
her nod and went into his office to get his stuff together. When he came back
into the hall, he scooped up Mackenzie, who’d been sitting on the floor playing
with her socks. “Goodbye, Mackenzie,” Seth murmured. “I’ll see you this
evening.”

“Dada,” Mackenzie
responded, grinning as Seth kissed her on the cheek. “Bye bye.”

When he put her
down, she gave his shin a big hug.

After she’d
released him, Seth looked back over at Erin. “I’ll be back before dinner
tonight.”

She walked to
the door with him. Before he reached for the doorknob, Seth leaned down and
kissed her on the lips. “I love you.”

Erin sighed. Patted
him on the chest, her hand stroking over his ridiculously expensive suit. “Yeah,”
she replied, returning his kiss, tugging on his lower lip with both of hers. “I
love you too.”

Seth started to
open the door. Then he paused. Looked back at her. "You know, I never want
to take anything away from you."

Meeting his deep
gaze, she nodded.

"I want
you to have anything you want, anything that’s in my power to give you.” He
sounded slightly stiff, which was to be expected, since he was expressing
something very intimate. And not in the bedroom, where it was easier for him, but
on a random morning on the way to work.

Erin nodded
again, her expression softening a little.

“We’ll talk
about the rest of this tonight,” Seth concluded, stepping out the door.

“Yeah,” Erin
agreed resignedly. “I can’t wait.”

She looked at
the closed door after he’d departed. Felt exhausted and confused and like she
really didn’t want to start her day.

She loved Seth.
Really loved him. Wanted to spend her life with him and was so glad they were a
family now.

But getting
together with the handsome prince—even if you genuinely loved him—was rather
more complicated than the stories would have one believe.

*
* *

“What about this one?” Liz
asked, holding up a designer snakeskin bag.

“Gorgeous, but
too expensive.”

When Liz
started to object, Erin gave her a narrow-eyed look.

“All right. Fine.
So you’re really thinking of quitting your job?”

“Yeah,” Erin
admitted, drifting slowly through the accessory section of the department store
and idly inspecting various items they passed. She felt a familiar sinking of
her stomach, the shift in mood almost nauseating. “I can’t stand it now. And I
can’t keep leaving Mackenzie every morning for a job that’s basically crap—not
when I don’t have to for financial reasons.”

“So you won’t
work at all? I didn’t think you’d ever want to do that again.”

Erin hated
this. Hated feeling a loss that was almost like grief—for a job, a career, that
had never been her dream in the first place.

She swallowed hard
over the ache. “I don’t. I don’t want to. But I can’t get a good job as a
judicial assistant in Atlanta—not with Seth trying so many cases here. They’ll
always think it’s a conflict of interest. And I’m not trained for anything else
except basic clerical work, which I really don’t want to do. So I guess I’ll
just give up my job.” Her voice broke on the last word.

For just a
moment, Liz’s face was almost torn with sympathy and understanding. “Damn,” she
whispered, turning away briefly. Then she managed to smile. “I bet you’ll enjoy
staying home more than you think. Some women would kill to be able to stay home
with their kids.”

“I know. And
that makes me feel like a selfish, spoiled whiner for making such a big deal
about this. Maybe I will end up enjoying staying at home. And it’s not forever.
I’m sure I can find something I’d like to do eventually. I just need to look
around. Think about it some more.”

She must not
have been convincing because Liz said, “You don’t have to quit, Erin. No one is
making you do it. Seth wouldn’t want you to if it’s so hard. If it hurts so
much, then don’t give it up.”

“But I’d be
holding onto it for the wrong reasons. It’s my last stronghold. I had so many
of them, so many parts of my life that I didn’t want to give anyone else a
claim to.  I thought they kept me safe. I thought they made me…free. But they
didn’t. Not really. And I have to let this one go too.” Despite her best
efforts, a tear streamed down Erin’s cheek before she could stop it.

“Are you sure?
Seth wouldn’t want you to—”

“I’m sure. I’m
absolutely sure. Holding on was just hurting me—and everyone I love. Please
don’t hint to Seth that this is still so hard for me. He’d blame himself. And I
don’t want him to do that.”

Liz’s
expression was uncharacteristically quiet. “I’m sorry it’s so hard.”

Erin gave a
half-shrug. “It’s just the way love works. It takes everything, consumes
everything.”

“Yeah. Maybe
so. But if it’s returned, if it’s real, shouldn’t it also give it back?”

***

Erin felt ridiculously nervous
as she turned to look at Seth over her shoulder. “This is crazy. Why did you
get me a present?”

He stood behind
her, casual in a long-sleeved t-shirt and jeans. “It’s not really a present.
Just a surprise.”

“Whatever you
want to call it—I’d like to see it now.” Erin shifted from foot to foot with
her hand on the door that led into the sun room. It was really just a section
of the apartment’s great room, but it was set off by windows on three sides and
there were decorative foldaway doors that were almost never used that were
presently closing it off.

Mackenzie was
at their feet. She’d been playing with the new stuffed bunny Seth had brought
home for her after his trip last weekend, but now it lay forgotten on the floor
of the hall. She must be infected by their excitement because she was doing a
clumsy little jig now and banging excitedly on the door with the palms of her
hands.

“In,” she
declared, staring up at her parents. “In!”

“See,” Erin
said, “It’s two against one. You have to let us in.”

“All right.”
Strangely, Seth looked almost self-conscious. “Here you go.”

He opened the
doors, and Erin stepped in, blinking when she saw the room didn’t look the way
it was supposed to.

Mackenzie burst
into the room after her, stopping abruptly as she stared around at the changes,
her eyes landing delightedly on the low shelves in the corner that held some of
the toddler’s toys. Mackenzie squealed in excitement and scampered over there
to exult in her treasures.

Instead of the
sleek furnishings and expensive art that used to be here, there was a soft,
simple rug, a comfortable, cushy sofa, and a desk against the far wall.

Erin looked
around in confusion. “You redecorated?”

“Just the
basics. Liz helped, since I wasn’t exactly sure what you’d want.”

“But why?”

“So you could
feel more at home. We can change any of this, if you want. And we can do the
rest of the apartment together.”

She almost
melted at his stiff face—half-hopeful and half-sheepish. “You didn’t have to do
that. You had it all decorated to impress.”

He’d never
talked much about it, but she knew the apartment had been a symbol of his
having really made it, just as his grandfather had told him. It was why she’d
never asked to redecorate herself.

“It’s just an
apartment, Erin.”

“Yeah, but I
know you really—”

“Do you have
any idea how little I care about how the place is furnished. I want you to be
happy. And comfortable. So we can fix it up together.”

She went over
to kiss him, sighing as he wrapped his arms around her. As she was pulling
away, her eyes landed on the desk. Some of her books were on the desk, as well
as her laptop.

She shot him an
inquiring look.

When he just
gave a slight shrug, she went to inspect the desk more closely. When she saw a
particular textbook, she sucked in a breath and turned back to him.

It was one of
her law school textbooks.

“It’s just a
symbol,” Seth explained. “Like the room. You don’t have to use it.”

“A symbol of
what?”

 “That you can
do anything you want. That I’ll make sure we work it out. That you can go back
to law school, if you want.”

She covered her
mouth with one hand. “Seth, that’s so sweet. But I couldn’t…it’s too late—”

“It’s not too
late. Why would it be too late?”

 “It’s so much
work and time and stress.  And with trying to take care of Mackenzie—”

“That’s the point.
That’s what I mean when I say we’ll work it out. I’ve already talked to them at
work. If I need to take time off, I’ll do it. If I need to make adjustments to
my schedule, I’ll do it. If I need to do more to help you, I’ll do it.
Anything
.
I’ll do it.” He raised a hand to cup her face. “I’ll do anything in my power to
make you happy.”

Her face
twisted with emotion until her cheek muscles ached.

“You don’t have
to go back to law school, of course. I’m not trying to put any pressure on you.
You can find another job if you’d rather. Or stay at home like you were
planning. You can do anything you want.”

“Let me think
about it.”

He nodded and
they stared at each other for a long time. She could see that he’d told her the
truth.

Love had
overthrown his strongholds too—taking everything, consuming everything.

And now he was
giving it back.

She was
desperately trying to find something to say that would even come close to
capturing her love for him when Mackenzie came running over.

“Mac! Mac!” she
babbled ecstatically, pointing over to the corner with all of her toys and
books.

“That’s right,”
Erin told her. “Those are all yours. All Mackenzie’s.”

Mackenzie
squealed in excitement and stumbled back to start pulling out a basket that
held her oversized blocks.

Seth pulled Erin
all the way toward him, until she was pressed up against the front of his body.
As he gazed down on her, his eyes smoldered with a familiar and breathtaking
combination of tenderness, passion, and irony. “So you like your present?” he
asked again, his voice thicker than it had been.

She twined her
arms around his neck. “I love it. I love you. Did you know that?”

“I did.” He
leaned down to press a soft kiss onto her lips, sliding his mouth against hers
deliciously. “I love you too,” he murmured against her mouth.

Erin could feel
flutters of feeling. She pressed herself into the hard, warm strength of his
body.

“Kss,” Mackenzie
exclaimed, extending the hiss of the last consonant and interrupting their
embrace. She’d come back over to them and was now tugging on the leg of Seth’s
trousers.

“Yes,” he
replied seriously, pulling back from Erin a little. “I was kissing your mommy.”

Mackenzie kept
tugging on his leg. “Kss.” This time, she puffed out her cheeks and held up her
mouth toward him, in the silliest, demanding expression.