My Sister Lives on the Mantelpiece (21 page)

The old man came through the door that led from the stage and collapsed onto a chair. He put his bald head into his hands and his shoulders shook ’cos he was crying. TV cameras had followed him off stage and were zooming right up close and he said
Get away
like he was mental when really he was just upset that his dream was over. There were sequins all over his t-shirt and sequins all over his trousers and it must have taken him days to sew them all on and he only got to go on stage for ten seconds.

I honestly can’t do this
Jas said, and she was watching the old man with this terrified look on her face.
My horoscope was right. This is a bad idea. I’m sorry, Jamie
. She actually stood up and started walking off. Until then I thought she was just being dramatic.
Wait
I said and my voice came out in a squeak. I was terrified that Jas was going to leave.
Please don’t go
. She didn’t listen. She was running now and her pigtails were bouncing and she was near the door that said EXIT. The girl with the clipboard shouted
Number one hundred and twelve
and a man dressed as Michael Jackson took a deep breath and stood up. Jas was at the door. Her fingers tightened around the handle. I couldn’t let her leave.
Think about Mum
I shouted.
Think about Dad. And Leo
. She pushed open the door and icy air gushed in but Jas didn’t walk out. I ran up to her and grabbed her hand.
Do you really think they’re watching
she whispered, her eyes wide in her white face.
Yes
I replied.
Leo dropped us off and he promised that
– She shook her head.
Not Leo
she said, biting her lip too hard. A tiny spot of blood trickled out of a cut. She dabbed it with her finger. She’d even taken the black polish off her nails and had painted them pale pink.
Mum
.

That flicker came back again, stronger than ever before, and for the first time I knew exactly what it was. Doubt. If envy is red then doubt is black and the room went all dark and it was the opposite of the egg yolk car. Everything looked ugly and everything felt hopeless. I thought about my birthday and the P.S. and Parents’ Evening but I nodded and said
She’s here
.

She didn’t come for Christmas
Jas said in the tiniest voice I’d ever heard her use. A tear dripped down her cheek as the music for Michael Jackson’s Thriller started on stage.
No
I said, my insides in a knot.
But she probably thought that she wasn’t invited
. Jas looked at me with watery eyes.
I invited her
she whispered and the knot got tighter. I remembered how Jas kept glancing out of the window on Christmas Day.
I sent her a card and asked her to come and cook the turkey
. She was crying hard now and it was difficult to hear what she was saying and it was difficult to concentrate ’cos my tummy ached so badly.
And I wrote to her before that. All about Dad and how we needed help because he drinks too much and doesn’t look after us properly. But she didn’t come, Jamie. She’s abandoned us
.

On TV, my worst advert is one called Sponsor A Dog. It shows all these different dogs that have been left by their owners in bins or boxes or by the side of lonely roads. There’s always sad music playing and the dogs’ tails are all droopy and their eyes are full of pain. This man with a London accent goes on and on about how they’ve been left, and how nobody in the world loves them enough to take care of them. And that is what abandoned means.

Mum loves us
I said, but all I could hear in my head was the London accent saying
Jamie needs a new owner
, and I had to block it out.
Mum loves us Mum loves us Mum lo
—Jas shook her head and her pigtails wobbled by her ears.
She doesn’t, Jamie
she replied, her voice all strangled. Tears dripped off her chin.
How can she. She walked out on us. On my BIRTHDAY
. Jas shouted this last bit ’cos I’d put my hands over my ears to shut out the words. I started singing the Michael Jackson song. I didn’t want to hear any more.
My birthday
she said again, pulling my hands away from my head and closing my lips with her fingers.
And we haven’t heard from her since
. I struggled free.
You’re lying
I yelled, stamping my foot, suddenly angry. The knife thrower looked at us and shook his head but I didn’t care. My blood was on fire and it burned through my body and I wanted to kick and thump and scream and shout and let it all out in a massive volcano.
That’s not true. Mum sent me a present and it was the best present I ever got and I love it and YOU’RE LYING
.

The music for Thriller stopped.

Number one hundred and thirteen.

Jas opened her mouth to say something. I waited, panting, but then she shook her head as if changing her mind.
Fine. Mum sent you a birthday present. Big deal
.

Number one hundred and thirteen
the girl with the clipboard said again, sounding fed up. She looked from an old lady in tap shoes, to a little boy with a parrot, to me and Jas.
Where are you. One one three can you come forward now
.

Jas wiped her eyes and stared down at her outfit.
Look at me
she said quietly, smoothing down her flowery dress.
Look at you
. I touched the safety pins on the sleeve of my t-shirt.
Look at what we’ve done for them. And for what, Jamie. Mum won’t have left Nigel to come up here
Jas said and she put her hand on my head and it felt safe and I stopped panting and tried to calm down.
And Dad’ll be too drunk to get out of bed. It’s a waste of time
. I put my hand on top of hers.
But it might not be
I said and I swallowed all the doubt and all the disappointment and all the anger and they were almost too big, like vitamin pills that are difficult to get down even with water.
Please, Jas. Please. Just in case they’re watching. I don’t want to give up on them
. Jas closed her eyes as if she was thinking.

Number one hundred and thirteen
the girl shouted, tapping a pen on the clipboard.
You are running out of time. The judges are waiting and if you don’t come, like, right NOW then you will miss your chance
.

I touched Jas’s arm.
Please
. She opened her eyes and stared at me then shook her head.
It’s a waste of time, Jamie. They’re not here. I can’t stand to see you disappointed. Not again
.

Number one hundred and thirteen
. The girl looked around the room one last time and then drew a big cross on the clipboard.
Fine. Let’s have number one hundred and fourteen instead
.

M
Y LEGS GAVE
way and I crashed to the floor. My head sank into my hands. The taps on the feet of the old lady echoed through the waiting room as she walked towards the stage door.

WAIT
Jas yelled and my heart stopped beating.
WAIT. We’re one hundred and thirteen. We’re here
.

I looked up and Jas offered me her hand. I grabbed it and she pulled me to my feet.
I’m doing this for you
she whispered and the corners of my mouth almost touched my earlobes as I grinned my biggest grin ever.
Not for Mum. Not for Dad. Not for Rose. You. Us
. I nodded and we ran forward and my heart started with a THUMP that shook my ribs. The girl with the clipboard sighed impatiently.
I shouldn’t let you go on
she snapped but she opened the stage door and we sprinted up the stairs and all of a sudden there were lights and cameras and hundreds of eyes shining in the darkness of the theatre.

We walked onto the stage. The audience went quiet. I recognised one of the two judges from TV. He rolled his eyes when he saw my top.
And you are
he said. I didn’t know if the right answer was Spider-Man, or James Aaron Matthews, or just Jamie, so I said all three. The audience did one of those sniggers and I wondered if Mum and Dad and Sunya had joined in. Jas squeezed my fingers. They were all sticky with sweat.
And who are you
the man said and my sister replied
Jasmine Rebecca Matthews
, and he said
Not Supergirl or Catwoman
in this dead sarcastic way. Jas’s arm started to shake. I wanted to kick the judge for scaring her.

What are you going to do for us today
the lady judge asked. I whispered
A song and a dance
. The man yawned.
How original
he said and hundreds of people laughed and the lady hit him on the wrist and said
Behave
but then she giggled too. I tried to smile as if I was in on the joke but my teeth were too dry and my top lip got stuck.
What are you going to sing
the lady said when everything went quiet. Jas whispered
The Courage To Fly
. Both of the judges groaned and the man banged his head on the desk and the audience exploded with laughter all over again. I looked up at Jas. She was trying to be brave but I could see tears in her eyes and I felt bad ’cos she was taking this risk for me and it wasn’t paying off. I half expected Dad to defend us or Mum to run onto the stage and say
Don’t you dare do that to my kids
. But nothing happened.

The man said
Get on with it then
like we were boring him and all of a sudden I didn’t want to do the dance and I didn’t want to do the song. They felt too precious to perform in front of people who didn’t understand. It was hot under the lights and the Spider-Man top stuck to my body. It felt bigger than ever, or I felt smaller than ever, and I knew that it didn’t look good. Mum would be disappointed and I felt guilty, as if I was letting her down.

We didn’t have a CD and no one counted us in so we didn’t know when to start. We just sort of stood there. Everyone was waiting. A few people booed. I didn’t want Mum or Dad to hear them but I didn’t dare sing. The audience started chanting
Off Off Off Off
and Jas’s whole body was shaking now, not just her arm. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen. It was all going wrong and I didn’t know how to fix it.

Off Off Off Off.

Panic rose inside my chest like one of those waves at the beach that suddenly crashes down and drenches everything.
Get these two off
the man shouted suddenly, waving his hand as if he was flicking away a fly.
They’re a waste of time
.

NO
. Jas said this loudly, more of a shout than anything, and the audience fell silent.
NO
. The judges looked at Jas in surprise. She stared back all brave and brilliant and the tears were gone and the shakes had vanished and suddenly she was my sister on the swing, smiling at the sky as if nothing in the world could frighten her. And ’cos she wasn’t scared, I wasn’t scared. And then we started to sing.

Your smile lifts my soul into the sky. Your strength gives me the courage to fly
.

A kite, I soar so grounded yet free. Your love brings out the be
—

We got further than the old man. Maybe fifteen or sixteen notes in. I didn’t hear the judge say
Stop
’cos I was running round the back of the stage flapping my wings like a fairy, or a bird, or whatever is supposed to be flying in the song. When I realised that Jas had stopped singing, my arms flopped to my side and the walk back to the front of the stage felt longer than a marathon, which Mrs Farmer says is twenty six point two miles and not very good for your knee joints.

I have never been so impressed and so disgusted at the same time
the man said.
That was brilliant and awful. Fantastic and terrible
. I had no idea what he was going on about and I wasn’t really listening ’cos I was looking at the audience to see if I could spot Mum.
You were the awful part
the man said, pointing at me.
I mean, was that supposed to be dancing
. It was a question but it didn’t seem to need an answer so I just shrugged. The man did one of those smirks and folded his arms and the audience laughed.
But you
he went on, pointing at Jas.
You were the brilliant part. That was absolutely magnificent. Where did you learn to sing like that
. Jas looked surprised and said
Mum taught me when I was little but I haven’t sung for five years
. The man whispered something behind his hand to the lady. The cameras zoomed in on them and then on us. The audience held its breath.
Yes, yes, I agree
the lady said and the man turned to us with a smile.
We’d like you to try again
he said and Jas nodded and I got ready to flutter my arms and sing the first note.
Without the dance moves. Without your brother
.