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Authors: Steve Kluger

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BOOK: My Most Excellent Year
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Dear Ms. Poppins,

It finally happened—and without any tricks. Maybe it’s because we’ve shared more in four weeks than we ever did during the semester we wasted flirting like children (God, did I
really
endorse that idiotic National Recovery Act just to get under his skin?)—but the way we spontaneously locked eyes across a geography classroom last Friday made it clear that you don’t plan falling in love the way you plan a formal dinner for twelve. And don’t ask me what an archipelago is, because it could never matter again.

Your movie doesn’t tell us whether or not you ever had a boyfriend, though it certainly seems obvious that you’ve got some pretty tender feelings for Bert. (Watching you cover them up with a reserved chuckle is positively darling—especially when he’s trying to dance like a penguin for your benefit.) So it’s just possible that I may be turning into more of an authority than you are in this arena. For instance:

1.
Boys Are Thorough
. It took Anthony three days to ask me out on our first no-other-excuses-to-cover-it-up date. First he had to conduct the appropriate research, for which he used Augie and Lee to run interference. “Find out whether she likes comedies, dramas, or those ginky art movies with titles like
Green Plant Facing Southwest
.” “How does she feel about Hugh Grant?” (I used to find him adorable—until I met Anthony.) “Does she have a problem with Italian food?” Once he’d collected all of the pertinent data, it was time to be spontaneous.

INSTANT MESSENGER

TCKeller:
Hey, I still haven’t seen
Love Actually
yet, and it’s not going to be around much longer. Want to go? I might have a free night this week before you get tied up with
Kiss Me, Kate
.

2.
Boys Are Predictable
.
“The seats are always better at the Cineplex in Harvard Square.”
The seats at the Cineplex in Harvard Square are indistinguishable from the seats at the Copper Creek Cinema in Des Moines, Iowa, or—for that matter—from the seats
at the Coolidge Corner Theatre right here in Brookline. Harvard Square is also a twenty-five-minute ride on the T, assuming that the changeover to the Red Line at Park Street isn’t held up because the tracks have frozen again. What the Cineplex in Harvard Square actually has going for it is that it’s located on Church Street, just off of Mass Ave—the same corner where Anthony’s parents kissed for the first time 25 years ago. So it hardly required a degree in sociology to figure out where the evening was supposed to lead. Did he really think I wouldn’t pick up on it??

3.
Boys Are All Talk
. For somebody who first introduced himself to me by means of a form letter, the prospect of our first kiss evidently had him terrified. Despite the fact that Uno Chicago Pizza has a four-star Zagat rating, he didn’t even touch his rigatoni—and his dinner conversation was so fractured, I gave up trying to follow his train of thought. Among the things he chattered about were the invention of ball bearings, Johnny Peacock’s batting average in 1938, and why the Netherlands is two-thirds under water.

“Is anything wrong?” I asked as he paid the cashier and dropped his wallet on the floor.

“I’m—I’m fine,” he stammered, following a quarter across the checkered tile. “I sway-ah.”

By the time the previews were over, his forehead was covered with sweat and he’d actually started to shake. I got him to calm down a little by feeding him Life Savers—but even so, if you’d asked him what the film was about, you’d have been just as likely to get the plot of
The Magnificent Seven
.

4.
Boys Are Precious
. At 9:15, we walked silently up Church Street to Mass Ave. He’d forgotten to put on his wool cap, so I had
a chance to add “red ears” to the list of things I already loved. (I slotted it in between “soft brown hair” and “eyebrows fretted with worry.” This is a catalog that’s updated regularly.) But he was still shivering, and it wasn’t the cold.
Go easy on yourself, Anthony. We’re going to survive this!
When we finally reached the inevitable corner, I would have done anything to let him off the hook. But it was already too late.

“Alé,” he mumbled quietly, as the light changed from amber to red. I turned to face him, thoroughly prepared to take charge myself, but the moment I saw the dimple in his chin (#6 on my list), my knees began to tremble.
What’s
happening
to me??
Without any spoken preliminaries, he let me brush the bangs out of his eyes first—and then he leaned in and kissed me. It was just that simple. So simple, in fact, that I burst into tears.

“Are you okay?” he asked gently, touching his forehead to mine in genuine concern. “It wasn’t
that
bad, was it?”

“I’m fine,” I wailed. “I sway-ah.” Then he kissed me again, and I really
was
fine.

One word of advice, Mary Poppins: Give Bert a chance.

Fondly,

Alejandra

Subject: URGENT!!!

From:
[email protected]

To:
[email protected]

I’m attaching an article in today’s
Globe
. If we work it right, it’s going to be Anthony’s birthday present to Anthony.

We’ve got just 72 hours to map out a plan, and you’re the brains in this department. So drop everything, including
Kiss Me, Kate
. This takes priority.

THEATRE

ANDREWS AND GOULET
TOGETHER AGAIN

Julie Andrews and Robert Goulet will be co-hosting this year’s
Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS
benefit at the Shubert Theatre in New York this Sunday evening, February 15—heading an all-star cast of Broadway and Hollywood luminaries and marking the first time these two musical legends will have appeared together publicly since their Guenevere-Lancelot onstage romance in 1960’s
Camelot
.

Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS
is a not-for-profit corporation that has been funding AIDS research through New York’s theatre community since 1992.

www.augiehwong.com

PRIVATE CHAT

AugieHwong:
This is going to be a Mame Dennis cakewalk. I know the layout of the Shubert Theatre like the back of my hand. Once you get past the stage doorman, there’s a couple of steps that lead down to this big room under the stage, right off the orchestra pit. Lots of corners to hide in during the show, but look like you belong there anyway in case anyone notices you. Then—

TCKeller:
Wait. What about the “once you get past the stage doorman” part?

AlePerez:
Yeah, you kind of glossed over that, didn’t you?

AugieHwong:
That’s because it’s a no-brainer! He’ll
be on the lookout for gatecrashers, so kids won’t even register on his scope. All you have to do is tell him that you’re Blake Edwards’s nephews Kevin and Seth, and that your aunt forgot to leave your tickets at the box office.

TCKeller:
Who’s Blake Edwards?

AugieHwong:
Her husband, you gink!

AlePerez:
Does he even
have
nephews?

AugieHwong:
How should
I
know?? And trust me—if I don’t know, the doorman’s not going to know either. Just ask him if he can go get Aunt Julie for you. He can’t, because he’s not allowed to leave his post. So he’ll wave you in and tell you where her dressing room is. (If it looks like he’s getting suspicious, just have Hucky pretend to cry. Even the bottom-lip thing should push it over the top.) But do
not
bother her before the show. Hide out until it’s over, when she’ll have time to be Mary Poppins for him.

TCKeller:
This is the worst idea you ever had.

AugieHwong:
Come up with a better one. I dare you. Pop already thinks you’re staying over for the whole
Kiss Me, Kate
weekend—Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Mom and Dad thought “weekend” just meant Friday and Saturday. So without lying to anybody, we wound up with a Sunday when nobody expects to see you. It’s a gift from God.

AlePerez:
I got the train tickets. It’s part of my birthday present. You leave from Back Bay on the Sunday afternoon Acela at 2:15 and come back on a 12:15 A.M. train that gets in at 5:30 in the morning.

AugieHwong:
Which is when the Brookline Café opens, so you can hang there with Hucky until it’s time to take him back to the Residence at 8:00. Then just meet us at school.

TCKeller:
This is never going to work.

AugieHwong:
Tick,
you’re
the one who believes in magic. So prove it.

Dear Mama,

Now I know how it was so easy for Lucy to talk Ethel into capers like stealing John Wayne’s footprints. When you plan it out ahead of time, somehow it all makes sense. It’s only when it’s all over that you get to find out whether you’re a crackpot or not.

A couple of things I know for sure.

1. I could never lie to Pop. But Augie’s right. When we made our plans for this weekend, Pop and I both figured I’d be staying at Augie’s on Sunday too. So everything is still honest, isn’t it? I mean, my itinerary just changed, that’s all. Not telling him about it doesn’t count as lying.

2. Pop lets me fly on the shuttle by myself to visit Aunt Babe and Aunt Ruth in Washington, as long as I have my cell phone so he can check up on me. So two ginky train rides between New York and Back Bay Station (which is practically down the street from us anyway) shouldn’t be a big stretch, should it? Once we get there, we can take a cab to the theatre and another one back to the train afterwards. It’s not like we’d be walking the streets—and it isn’t much different than spending a whole Saturday at the Pru. Maybe even safer too.

3. I trust Augie with everything, and he trusts me back the same way. He and Mom and Dad were at a party backstage at the same theatre for the Tommy Awards a couple of years ago, so if Augie says it’s do-able, then it is. He’d
never
let me get into trouble. Come to think of it, he’s always the one who keeps me
out
of it.

4. Telling Pop won’t work. Even if he came to New York with us, he wouldn’t go along with pretending that we were Kevin and Seth Edwards who had a famous Aunt Julie. Which is the only way we’re ever going to get inside to meet her. Hucky and I can pull this off by ourselves, but Pop wouldn’t be able to.

5. Hucky needs this, Mama. He doesn’t look out the window for Mary Poppins as much as he used to, but that could also mean he’s giving up on her. And I can’t let him stop believing in things when he’s only six.

I love you,

T.C.

P.S. Remember back in the fall when Lori got on my case about x + y, and Pop said that algebra was supposed to help me solve problems? What’s up with
that
?

x + y = ?

(Hucky needs Mary Poppins) + (Mary Poppins is in New York)

=

(Take Hucky to New York if Pop will let you)

or

(Take Hucky to New York even when Pop says no)

or

(Take Hucky to New York without asking first)

or

(Ask an adult to handle it)

S
TUDENT
/A
DVISER
C
ONFERENCE

Lori Mahoney/Anthony C. Keller

T.C.:

I have an urgent question about algebra.

LORI:

Then you should probably ask Mrs. Fitzpatrick.

T.C.:

This is different. She’s not dating my father.

LORI:

Anthony, I’m not actually “dating” him.

T.C.:

Are you going places together and having dinner together and showing up in Vermont by accident?

LORI:

Well, yes, but—

T.C.:

Then I have an urgent question about algebra.

LORI:

Go ahead.

T.C.:

What happens when you add x plus y but there are a couple of different answers?

LORI:

That’s impossible.
X
has a specific value and so has
y
. They can only add up one way. Unless there’s a third variable you’re not telling me about.

T.C.:

No, there should only be two. And that’s what I needed to find out.

(Hucky needs Mary Poppins) + (Mary Poppins is in New York)

=

(Take Hucky to New York without third variables)

BOOK: My Most Excellent Year
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ads

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