My Lost Daughter (7 page)

Since Chris had asked her to marry him, Lily had repeatedly requested that Shana come to Ventura to meet him. Her daughter also seemed to be serious about a young man she'd dated for several
years, but she had consistently reneged on her promises to bring him to Ventura to meet Lily. Shana didn't even spend summers in Ventura. She had refused to live in the dorm at college, so Lily had rented her an apartment in Palo Alto, near where the university was located. Shana stayed there year-round.

Lily's concern for Shana was deepening. Several years back, a parent could find out what their kid was up to by talking to their roommate. But today, students didn't install phones in their dormitories or apartments. Instead, they relied on cell phones.

As she headed down the back corridor leading to her chambers, she saw Chris standing in the doorway and picked up her pace. After all the hell she'd been through in her life, Lily had finally found genuine love and happiness. She grabbed his hand and led him past her assistant, taking him into her office and closing the door.

“The damn media,” she told him. “I should have forbidden them in the courtroom. Silverstein caused the problem, though, the overeager little shit.”

“What happened?”

“I'll tell you at lunch. I need to make some phone calls right now.” She looked him up and down. “You have a lot of free time lately. Slow calendar?”

“Today's light,” he said. “Yesterday was a bitch, though.” He wrapped his long arms around her and pulled her tightly against his body. A moment later, he parted her robe and slid his hand underneath her skirt. “I hope I'm more important than these calls you need to make. Fifteen minutes is a lot of time.” He smiled, his eyes filled with lust. “God, I want you. I've had an erection all morning. I feel like a teenager.”

Lily's fiancé was a six-foot-five blond Adonis with a rock-hard body and a gentle soul. Until his wife's and daughter's deaths, he'd been a devout Mormon. Before Lily, the only woman he'd ever had sex with was his wife, and even then, his experience was limited. Obviously, he was playing catch-up and Lily was doing her best to keep up with him. Although she loved his enthusiasm, working together in the same building made her too available to his impulses.

All her life she had aspired to become a judge. As much as she loved Chris, she couldn't allow him to jeopardize her career. The presiding judge didn't like her and would jump at the chance to unseat her. Judge Hennessey believed a person who'd been a victim of a violent rape was unable to rule objectively on sex crimes. Lily had received her appointment while Hennessey was recovering from a massive heart attack, or she wouldn't be a judge today.

To qualify for a judgeship, a person had to be an attorney for five years. Chris was the wunderkind of the judicial system, having been appointed to the bench at twenty-six. Now in his mid-forties, he had graduated at the top of his class at Harvard Law at the age of eighteen. He had accepted the position in Ventura because he wanted to leave Salt Lake City, where he had been a prosecutor. As he told it, only a few months after his wife and daughter were killed, the church elders began pushing him to remarry one of the church's widows.

Chris was nuzzling her neck. “I want you.”

“Well, you can't have me here,” Lily told him, trying to wiggle out of his arms. She thought about Richard Fowler and how much he'd aged, wondering if people said the same about her. Richard had awakened her sexuality, only to have it traumatized a short time later.

She sighed when Chris began stroking the spot between her legs. It was as if his fingers possessed some type of electric charge. As soon as he touched her, she became aroused. She asked herself if her heightened sensitivity had anything to do with working so closely with Richard. They'd once had sex in an interview room at the DA's office. After the rapes, sex had been difficult so she wasn't the only one making up for lost time.

Before she knew it, Chris had turned her around and leaned her over the desk. He pushed her skirt up around her waist, and they made love until Lily moaned in pleasure. A few moments later, Chris did the same. It was quick but it was good, and all thoughts of Richard were vanquished.

“I can't believe we just did that,” Lily told him, standing and repairing
her clothing. “I'm not sure the door is even locked. Jeannie could have walked in on us, for God's sake. You have to control yourself, Chris.”

His handsome face stretched into a smile. “You didn't put up a lot of resistance.”

“No, I didn't.” Lily laughed. Chris had it right when he said he felt like a teenager again. She felt the same and it was exhilarating. She captured his face in her hands. “That's because I love you. I love everything about you. We just can't do this here at the courthouse. People will think we're depraved.” She kissed him on the lips and then headed for the door, knowing she didn't have time now to call Shana.

Chris followed her and before she turned the doorknob, she whispered, “I'm going to fuck you silly tonight. I guarantee you won't have to worry about controlling your erections tomorrow.”

“Oh, really,” he said, laughing.

“For sure.” Lily flung the door open and saw Jeannie staring down at her desk. Ah, she thought, the woman might not have been able to see them, but she probably heard enough to figure out what they'd been doing. Jeanne was a dedicated assistant. Lily didn't expect her to tell anyone what her boss and Judge Rendell had been doing behind closed doors. She didn't really care as long as it didn't get back to Judge Hennessey. She wished the old goat would croak and put everyone out of their misery.

Chris stepped around Lily and slipped out of the room, a somber expression on his face, probably trying to convince Jeannie that they'd been consulting on a complex legal issue. Lily was about to follow him when Jeannie started talking.

“Don't you want your messages, Judge Forrester?”

“I'll look at them when we break for lunch.”

Chris was waiting for her in the hallway, his back pressed to the wall. “You can't have sex with me without a kiss.” He chuckled, reaching out for her. “I feel used.”

“I kissed you,” Lily said, her eyes darting up and down the hall
to make certain no one was around. “I have to pee and now I don't have time. You owe me.”

“I'm sorry,” he told her, a hangdog look on his face. “You're not mad at me, are you?”

“No, I'm just in a hurry.” How could she be mad at him, she thought as she strode toward the courtroom. He'd chased the demons away and made her feel whole again. With Bryce, they were always lurking in the shadows. Only one thing troubled her. She had to tell Chris the truth before they got married.

There was a reason Lily had no problem imposing the death penalty. No one with her past could feel otherwise. She had personally executed a man she believed had raped her and her daughter. Not only that, she had gotten away with it.

Even though Chris had distanced himself from his strict Mormon upbringing, he was one of the most ethical men she'd ever known. He might report her to the authorities and she could end up facing a murder charge. No matter what the risk, however, she had to tell him. She hadn't told Bryce and their marriage had disintegrated. But she hadn't really loved Bryce. She'd married him because she needed him; she was terrified of being alone.

She refused to enter into another relationship built on lies. Chris would understand a mother wanting revenge against the man who had brutally raped her twelve-year-old daughter at knifepoint while she looked on, powerless to stop him. But could he accept her actually killing someone? Chris had told her he'd given thought to seeking revenge against the truck driver who had caused the deaths of his wife and daughter, which gave her hope. But thinking about killing someone wasn't the same as actually doing it.

The real test would come when Lily told him she'd killed the wrong man.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 13
VENTURA, CALIFORNIA

At the noon break, Lily finally managed to get through to her daughter. “Why haven't you returned my calls? I've been worried sick about you.”

“Why? Don't you have a new boyfriend to entertain you?”

“Yes, I do, Shana, and I'd like you to meet him. I can book you a flight for this weekend. If you want, I'll even buy a ticket for Brett. We'll all be together. It'll be fun. The new house is right on the beach.” Lily heard her sniffing and suspected she'd been crying. “What's wrong, honey?”

“Brett dumped me.”

“When did this happen?”

“Three weeks ago.”

“Why didn't you tell me? You know I'm always here for you. Why did you break up? Did you have a fight?”

“He was dating someone else behind my back. She's a bitch, Mom. I don't know what he sees in her. She's at least twenty pounds overweight and has the brain of an insect. She doesn't even go to Stanford. She's a junior at Berkeley, probably majoring in palm reading or some other asinine subject.”

Lily was at a loss for words. She waited to see if Shana would continue the conversation. When she didn't, she told her, “There's plenty of fish in the sea. You're beautiful, kind, and intelligent. You'll have no problem finding another guy. My bet is you'll find someone much better than Brett. Things like this happen for a reason. I thought Bryce and I would be together forever and look what a jerk he turned out to be.” Lily's former husband had become an alcoholic. When she had discovered that he was routinely unfaithful, the marriage had ended.

“It's more than just the idiot girl, Mom. Brett thinks I have too much baggage.”

“Are you going on a trip?”

“You've been spending too much time in the courtroom, Mom,” Shana told her. “He's referring to emotional baggage. He says I'm too uptight when we have sex. I can't help it, you know? Sometimes I'm fine, but other times I panic. I've tried so hard to forget everything.” She began sobbing. “My roommate bailed on me so I'm alone now. A girl in my apartment building was raped last month, and the police haven't made an arrest yet. I keep thinking I'm going to be next. I haven't slept in weeks.”

“Oh, baby,” Lily said, her heart breaking. “I understand how you must feel but you can't live in fear. You need to keep your mind occupied. Doesn't your work keep you busy? Why don't you have one of your friends stay with you for a while? You know, until you find another roommate.”

“I don't want to be a lawyer.”

Lily felt like she'd been punched in the stomach. “When did you make this decision?”

“I don't want to prosecute criminals. Why do I have to be the one to put them away? They might come after me when they get out of prison. Marco Curazon came after me and killed my father. What if they hurt my children to get back at me?”

“What happened with Curazon was a one in a million instance, and you don't have to be a prosecutor. Most of the defendants forget all about you when they get to prison.”

“One in a million, huh? You don't have any statistics. You just made that up.”

“Things like that very rarely occur, Shana. You can't be afraid of everything. If you do, Curazon will have won. Is that what you want?”

“I won't even make a decent living if I become a county prosecutor. Look at you, you're a fucking judge and you don't make that much money. I've worked too hard to make shit.”

Lily was crushed that her daughter wanted to abandon her dream of becoming a prosecutor. She hoped she would change her mind when she got over the breakup. Everyone got overwhelmed now and then. And Shana had been seeing this guy for a long time. She sounded so agitated and frightened. Lily had no choice but to take her seriously. She had been somewhat aloof since she'd entered law school, but she had seemed strong and confident whenever she spoke to her or when she managed to get the time to visit her. “You don't have to practice criminal law, Shana. You could go into domestic or corporate law. There are dozens of avenues you could pursue.”

“I've been in college for six years. You treat me like I'm still a kid. I'm twenty-eight, Mother. I should already have a career, a husband, maybe a kid. I can't even support myself.”

“It's not your fault that you got a late start. A lot of things happened, honey.”

“You don't understand,” Shana told her. “I'm tired of staying up all night studying. Law is boring. I hate it and I hate living in this stupid town. I feel like I've been stuck here my entire life. I don't have any friends. The law school's full of arrogant assholes and everyone is younger than me. They think they're hot shit because they got into Stanford. It's not Harvard or Yale, you know.”

“Stanford is ranked third in the nation, Shana,” Lily reminded her. “I couldn't afford to go to a top-ranked school. I had to work and take care of you.”

“You, you, you.” Her voice became loud and abrasive. “Everything is always about you. The only reason I'm here is to please
you. Just because you went into law, you decided I should, too. No one ever thinks about what I want.”

“You only have a few months left.” Lily's hands were shaking. How could she talk this way? Shana had wanted be a prosecutor ever since the rapes, believing she could make a difference and keep dangerous criminals off the street. Lily had spent a fortune on her education, even taking money from her pension, which had been greatly reduced the previous year when the stock market crashed. Judges made good money, but she didn't have much left after she paid for Shana's expenses. And the girl never seemed to have enough money and was constantly asking for more. Lily gave in because she didn't want to get into an argument. “Can't you stick it out, honey? You're so close.”

“You still don't understand!” Shana yelled. “Even if I manage to graduate, I still have to pass the bar. Do you know how many people fail? Can you imagine going to school for all these years and then not being able to pass a stupid test? I met a guy who'd failed the bar five times. He's working as a bartender now. I'll kill myself if that happens. You know I choke at tests. I always have.”