My Life in Black and White (26 page)

I shook my head, stunned.

“My point is … okay, there’s this term in boxing,
kissing the canvas
. It’s when someone gets knocked down face-first. After Becks died, that was me. I could barely get out of bed, let alone put on a costume and show my face at a school dance. But you … you kissed the canvas and got
up
.” He shrugged, looking embarrassed. “That sounded way cheesier than I meant it.”

“No,” I said. “I mean—I like cheese.”

Theo got quiet for a moment. Then he said, “She was my best friend.”

At first, I didn’t understand what he meant, but then I realized he was talking about his sister. “I know what it’s like,” I said, “to lose your best friend.”

“Lexi … Taylor’s still alive.”

I felt like a heel, and I started to apologize, but Theo said, “No … that’s what I’m saying. Life is too short for bullshit. If Taylor’s your best friend and she means that much to you, fight for her.”

“Even if she stabbed me in the back?” I said. “Even if she screwed me over in the worst possible way a girl could screw over her best friend, I should just forgive her?”

Theo shrugged. “Is she worth it?”

From a far corner of the room, the bell rang.

“It’s sixth period,” I said.

“Yup.”

“We should probably go.”

“We probably should.”

But we just stood there, looking at each other. It was like one of the staring contests Ruthie and I used to have when we were younger. I’d never stared at anyone else for this long, not even Ryan. In a way, it felt more intimate than kissing.

“I can’t believe you fixed my tires,” I said finally.

Theo smiled. “Stick around. I’m full of surprises.”

It Doesn’t Take Nancy Drew
to Figure It Out

THE NEXT MORNING, I did the unthinkable. I woke at 5:00 a.m., wriggled into my jog bra, laced up my running shoes, and pedaled my flabby self to the high school track—the same track Taylor and I had run on all summer. When I got there, the sky was just beginning to get light, but already someone was there. A stocky figure in a cotton-candy-pink sweat suit at the far end of the track.

I wasn’t going very fast—Tiny had said to start off easy—but Cotton Candy was jogging so slowly she might as well have been walking, and I caught up to her within seconds. That’s when I saw the two bunches of frizzy brown hair sticking out on either side of her head and the charm bracelet clinking on her wrist.

Crap. Crapcrappitycrappitycrap.

“On your right,” I murmured. Because that is running etiquette, no matter who you’re about to pass.

Heidi came to a screeching halt. “What are you doing here?”

“What are
you
doing here?” I threw back over my shoulder.

“Right,” she muttered. “Of course.”

I turned around, jogging in place. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Why is Heidi at the track?” she said, her voice mocking. “She shouldn’t be running. She should be sumo wrestling.”

I stared at her. “What are you talking about?”

“Please,” Heidi snorted. “I’ve heard it my whole life. From you and everyone else.”

“I’m sorry, but if you can’t be more specific, then maybe you shouldn’t go accusing people of things they didn’t do …
again
.”

“Okay, Miss I-Can-Do-No-Wrong,” Heidi said. “How about the time I put on my Brownie uniform and you and Taylor said I looked like a Thanksgiving turkey?”

“When was that?” I said, genuinely baffled. “Third grade?”

“Second.”

I stopped jogging in place. “You remember what I said to you in
second grade
?”

“I remember everything. I remember when we went to sell cookies, every time it was your turn to ring the bell, people would open their door, take one look at you, and say, ‘Ohhh, aren’t you adorable! I’ll take ten boxes!’ But when it was my turn they said, ‘Looks like
someone’s
been doing more eating than selling.’”

“I don’t remember that.”

“Of course you don’t,” Heidi said. “You probably don’t remember Jason Saccovitch calling me ‘Lard Ass Engle’ on the playground, either, and everyone laughing. Or how I was always the last girl picked for kickball in gym and you were always first. ‘We want Lexi!’” she cried. “‘Lexi’s so pretty! Lexi’s so awesome! Lexi gets whatever she wants!’”

I shook my head. “That’s not true.”

Heidi smirked. “It must be nice to lead such a charmed life.”

“Are you serious?” I said. I pulled back the right side of my hood. “You call this charmed?”

“So what? You think anyone cares about your cheek? Everyone still loves you.”

“Right.” I really turned on the sarcasm.

“Taylor won’t shut up about how much she misses you. It’s so annoying.”

“Is that why you told her I took those photos?”

“I didn’t tell her. She told me.”

“What?” I said sharply.

“She,” Heidi repeated, “told
me
. I left the dance at nine o’clock. I didn’t know anything until yesterday.”

“And what … exactly … did Taylor tell you?” I was struggling to stay calm.

“That she fell asleep on a wrestling mat in the weight room, and when she woke up, you were there.”

“That’s it? That’s all she said?”

“Come on, Lexi. It doesn’t take Nancy Drew to figure it out. Taylor was drunk, and you saw it as your opportunity to get back at her—”

“By what? Taking naked pictures of her and spreading them all over school? Do you think I’m a psychopath?”

Heidi shrugged.

“Oh my God!” I cried. “You are so unbelievable! First, you guard the door so Taylor can hook up with Ryan and now—”

“Wait a second,” Heidi said, cutting me off. “Taylor didn’t just
hook up with Ryan
. She was trying to get him in good with the team. It was an initiation thing. She was helping.”

“Helping.” I nodded. “Right. Since you know so much … Whose brilliant idea was it that Taylor ‘help’—hers or Ryan’s?”

Heidi lifted her chin slightly. “Neither.”

It took me a second to realize what she meant. “It was
your
idea?”

“You weren’t supposed to find out,” Heidi said defensively. “If you hadn’t barged into the room, it would have been fine.”

“Fine?” I repeated.
“Fine?”

“I tried to warn you.”

“Yeah. You’re such a good friend.”

“Come on, Lexi,” Heidi said. “We were never friends. Not really. Taylor and I were friends … and then you came along.”

I
knew
it. I
knew
she resented me moving here.

“Ryan and I were friends, too. Way before you.”

“When?” I scoffed. “Nursery school? He didn’t even
remember
you that day at the frog pond.”

Heidi blinked. And suddenly, her face crinkled up like a raisin.

I wasn’t expecting this. I realized, watching a fat tear roll down her cheek, that in all the years I’d known her I’d never seen her cry.

“Oh my God. Are you—”

“No.”

“Yes, you are. You’re—”

“Go,” she said, waving her hand fiercely, shooing me away. “Just go. Run a hundred miles.”

I stared at her.

“Go!”

“Fine,” I shot back. “I
will
run a hundred miles. But not because you told me to. Because that’s what I came here to do!”

My first lap, I ran hard. I was so pissed I didn’t even care that my legs hurt. A debate raged inside my head: who was the most deserving of my hatred right now? Taylor, Ryan, or Heidi?

I noticed—as I rounded the bend for lap number two—that Heidi wasn’t standing anymore. She was sitting, slumped over, on the players’ bench. Like a miserable, pink hunchback.

I
so
didn’t care that she was miserable.

I kept running as if I were in shape. As if I were still captain of the field hockey team.

My thighs screamed in protest.

Shut up, thighs.

Lap number three. Heidi was still slumping. And I was still fuming.

Only now I was having trouble concentrating on my anger. I was distracted by my lungs (two blazing infernos) and my legs (two lead pipes).

I made myself sprint the final stretch to the bleachers, but after that, I had no choice.

I had to stop.

“You’re … still … here?” I huffed, marching in place behind the players’ bench.

When Heidi turned around, her eyes were as pink as her sweat suit. “What do
you
care?”

I shrugged, trying to catch my breath.

“You think I’m pathetic, just like everyone else does.”

“And
you
…” I huffed, “…accused
me
—”

But Heidi cut me off. “You have no idea what it’s like … being the third wheel all the time. The girl everyone just … tolerates. The girl no boy would ever want to go out with. Of course Ryan didn’t remember me. Why would he?”

“Heidi—”

“No. It’s true. You think I don’t know? You think I don’t hear when you guys make fat jokes at the lunch table, right in front of me? You think I don’t know who you’re talking about? I wouldn’t like me, either.”

I shook my head, “I have never … made a fat joke … at the lunch table.”

“Don’t you get it? It doesn’t matter if it’s Kendall or Piper or someone else. You and Taylor are
there
. You don’t try to
stop
them.”

I opened my mouth to protest, then shut it. Heidi was right. When had I ever stood up for her?

“It’s like, by not saying anything, you’re
agreeing
.”

I shrugged. “I never knew it bothered you.”

“Sure you didn’t,” she muttered.

“Heidi,” I said, finally having enough oxygen to speak. “I’m serious. I didn’t know. You always seemed … well … impervious.”

“Don’t you mean
oblivious
?” she asked, narrowing her eyes.

“Maybe,” I admitted.

There was silence for a moment as Heidi turned away, gazing out at the football field. Then she sighed. “I guess I’m good at faking it.”

“You and me both,” I said, plopping down on the bench beside her.

She shot me a suspicious look. “What have
you
ever had to fake?”

“Lots of things … confidence … courage … a few weeks ago I had to fake like I didn’t care when some guys in the lunch line were talking about how fucked-up my face was, and how they would only hook up with me if there was a bag over my head.”

“What?”

Crap. I should not have said that. The last thing Heidi needed was more ammunition.

“That’s ridiculous,” Heidi said. “Your face is not fucked up.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it’s not. It’s … okay, your cheek
does
look weird when you first see it. I’m not going to lie to you. That patch thing … it makes you do a double take.”

“It’s called a graft,” I blurted. “They took skin from … well, from another part of my body, and they grafted it onto my cheek.”

“Sounds painful.”

“It was…. It’s not anymore.”

“That’s good,” Heidi said. “Anyway, the rest of you is still
you
and it just doesn’t matter…. Even with that crazy haircut, you’re still…” She squinted at me. “Ninety-five percent gorgeous.
That’s
the fucked-up part.”

“Right,” I nodded. “I’m so gorgeous that Ryan is chatting up every girl in school
except
me.”

“Forget Ryan,” Heidi said dismissively. “He’s a tool.”

“I thought you liked him!”

“I
did
—until I saw how little convincing he needed from me to cheat on you. And then I realized,
Ryan Dano is a tool
.”

I laughed. I couldn’t help myself. “Do you have any idea how hypocritical that sounds?”

“Yes. But in my defense, I didn’t exactly
plan
on him being a tool when I fell in love with him in nursery school. The fact that he peed in the sandbox should have clued me in, but somehow that only sealed the deal.”

“You’re funny,” I said.

“Yeah,” Heidi said with a wry smile. “The fat girl’s always funny. She has to be, to make up for being fat.”

I took a deep breath. “You’ve got to stop talking about yourself like that.”

“Why? It won’t change anything.”

“You want to change?” I demanded. “Do you?”

Heidi shrugged. “Of course, but—”

“No buts. Do you want to
change
?”

“Yes.”

“Then stop insulting yourself,” I said. “And stop being such a bitch.”

Heidi’s eyes widened.

“You heard me. It’s bad enough that you pushed Taylor and Ryan together. But accusing me of taking those photos? That’s just…” I shook my head, disgusted. “I would
never
do something like that. To
anyone
.”

“You really didn’t do it?” Heidi said.

I shot her a look.

“Fine,” she said. “I believe you.”

“Good.”

“So, if you didn’t … who did?”

I hesitated for a second. “I’ll tell you what I know, but we don’t have much time before school and I have to run another mile.”