My Jim (7 page)

The tobacco aint no taller than my finger when I feels the baby swimming round in my belly. Freedom seem farther and farther off and I aint sure it ever gonna come. I cant gives Mas another baby. Lizbeth safe with Cora. Jim still a young man. He say he already seen his freedom. But he never say he seen mine.

I starts for the woods but I never gets there. I comes to the pond at the edge of the woods. Pond where Jim bring the horses to drink. I takes off my dress. Aint no moon that night. Pond aint deep but its plenty deep for drowning. I climbs down in the water. My whole body shake. I leans back till I feels the water holding me. I just lays there looking at the night. I feels the baby floating inside me. I dips myself under and stays down. It feel free under the water. I comes up laughing. Then I falls back down. I feels my body getting bigger. I gets scared and lets it raise up again. Then I goes under for a long time till I feels the breath leaving me.

Jim find me like that floating.

Whats wrong with you gal.

He wade in the pond and carry me out. I shivers in the night air. He hold me to him.

You gone and loss your mind.

Then he see we gots another child coming. I cant gives Mas another child I sobs. I goes to my grave fore I gives Mas another child.

You hush now he say. Thats Lizbeths child. She ask for him and he gonna come no matter what you do. You aint want to give our baby girl some company. You selfish thats all. Trying to sneak off and get rid of Lizbeths baby. What I gonna say to her when she grow up and ask what happen to her mama. She drown herself cause she aint want to give you some company.

I cries and cries.

We names the baby Jonnie.

Next year the same as before. We sows and plows in winter. Nurses the seedlings long in spring till they ready to be move during rainy season. Topping and suckering in the heat of the summer. Pulling off the worms till time for the harvest and curing. Tired of healing folks just so they can go back to the fields.

Jonnie learn to walk. Lizbeth feeding the chickens. The other children run and play but she all the way watching for the workers. Waiting for us to come in from the fields. Every night she bring me water. I aint gots to tell her. She wash my feet. She comb her daddys hair. Aint but a little thing but she already trying to sew. We gots two children to leave or take. Me and Jim we aint talks no more bout running.

Then Lizbeth take with the fever. I brings her butterfly weed and garlic and five finger root and burr seed. But I worries she aint gonna come through. Cora look after her. I aint trusts myself. If she leave me I be sorrow. If she leave me I be joy. She such a feeling child. I aint wants her to suffer.

Cora take good care of Lizbeth till she can stand on her own. Then she come back to the cabin. She stand in the door her skin gray like ash. Jim tell her to shut the door cause she letting in the cold. But she aint follow him.

He tell her again but she just stand there. Aint say a word.

Jim feeling hard them days. I can tells he all the time thinking bout Nerium Todd. We barely talks to each other. Jonnie teething. He crying all the time. And here Lizbeth acting like she aint know her daddy.

If you make me raise up off this floor he tell her I gonna spank you good. Still she aint do like he say.

Leave her be I says to him. She aint right. She still with the fever. It aint leave her head.

I gonna knock it out her head he say.

But fore he can grab her the winds come up and throw the door shut. Lizbeth never move.

Look to me like she frozen. I gets up and puts my arm round her. I pulls her to me. Her little heart beating like horses being whip. Jim come up on her and yell something in her ear. Then he pick her up and cry.

Thats when we knows she cant hear nothing. That scarlet fever take her hearing. Now all three of us gots tears rolling down our faces.

Jonnie see us crying and he start to bawl. Screaming so loud we starts to laugh. Jim look at Lizbeth. She aint know why we laughing but she smile. You lucky you cant hear your brother cry no more Jim say. She smile at him.

Jim fix his mind on making money. He gonna buy our freedom. Folks give him money for seeing things. You want him to see something you gotta ante up. Put the money in the hat. After a year he got almost fifty dollars. But fifty dollars wont buy you nothing but a half dead nigger. Not even one of Jonnies toes.

I watches my husband sink. We starts laying together again but half the time he turn away. Everything remind him of the freedom he cant have.

One day he in town when they running the hogs to the stockyards. He say them hogs running so fast like they running for they freedom. They slaves being run to market.

White folks picking up and rushing off to California to find them some gold. Jim say he wish Mas go to California. He go to California we go to Canada. They got gold in Canaan true.

All up and down the river folks talking bout Moses. Say she stealing niggers and taking them north. She keep going back but them patrollers never catch her. She make it with whole groups of women and children. If she can make it we makes it. We already north.

Cholera strike that summer and Jim take sick. He bring it from town. Mas say we gots to build a sickhouse far cross the field. He put Jim in there. I brings him blackberry leaves and roots and twig tea from the witch hazel. Mas say he dont want me tending to Jim. He buy a old woman for fifty dollars and make her work in there.

We gots yellow fever that winter. And a slave name Ben blame for killing two white children. He hang for all to see. The cholera back again in spring. Jim all right but Jonnie in the sickhouse. In Georgia a white looking gal and her black husband buy they own tickets to freedom. Then we all fugitives. Even if we runs away Mas got the right to cross the border and steal us back.

Mas Stevens slaves dropping one by one. They aint gots no sickhouse to go to. Mas Watson try hard not to lose any of us. He let us kill the chickens for food. And he make his own medicine of hot lemon water and honey for the folks in the sickhouse. He let the mothers come in to nurse and he let the ones with child leave the fields when they sick. Folks say Mas getting old so he aint one to be mean no more.

But one day Cora drop a child and the next day he dead. Mas come to the cabins to find Cora and beat her.

Jim say he gonna lose all his teeth and both his eyes fore he let Mas whip Cora. Jim look at Mas and say it real calm. You aint gonna whip none of us again.

Mas Watson turn red as hot coal. What you talking bout nigger.

I telling you what I seen Mas. I seen my death if you touch Cora with that whip.

Mas turn the whip on Jim but Jim dont let him use it. He grab it from Mas hand and strike the ground. Then he throw the whip aside. It lay in the dust like the skin of a snake.

Jim take Mas by the arm and lead him back to the house. Mas shaking but Jim walking real steady. Rest of us turns and walks back to the cabin with Cora. Nobody ever say nothing bout it.

Mas take sick real bad next winter. Cant talk cant walk cant barely breathe. Jim got to lift him out the bed. They bring in the white doctor. Thats how we knows he bad off.

All us niggers pray.

Mas always say he free us when he die. He looking so frail we thinking maybe thats our freedom. Jim say he aint got long.

Time Mas Watson die it snowing. He sick so long nobody figure he ever gonna die. Then one day he gone and Miss Watson crying. We bows our heads when Jim carry him out.

And waits to hear what come of us.

One week after the burial Miss Watson call Tailor to the farmhouse. Theys lots of whites coming and going from the house. Colored folks in the house hearing all kind of talk bout what Mas Watson owe. We scared for ourselves.

Tailor aint come back till late. What yall waiting on me for he say. He look at the ground and spit. Mas Watson aint free nobody but hisself he say. The rest of us gonna be free in hell.

We all sick then. Jim say dont worry whatever happen we gonna be together. He say he seen it. But aint nobody in the cabins sleep that night. Some of us fights all night. Some of us prays and sings.

My Lord he call me by the thunder. The trumpet sound within my soul. I aint gots long to stay here.

In the morning Tailor order us to dust ourself off. Nobody want a dirty nigger he say.

They sell us with the furniture. Folks wailing and moaning. First they sell off the plows and wagons. Then they sell the horses and pigs. We all shivering near the stables. Folks got pee running down they legs. Frost on the ground and we aint gots no shoes. White folks come all bundle up to look at us. Most of them aint got money for slaves. They there for the plates and the silver.

They call us into the curing barn. Less than twenty of us altogether. I clings to my children. Lizbeth cant hear but she know what everybody saying. She holding onto my skirt. Jonnie aint know he bout to be sold. His eyes real dark and big. More white folks than he ever seen.

Miss Watson aint come to the sale. She hide up in the house.

I knows some of them whites cause I done doctors them. I hopes one of them take pity on me and buy me with my family.

We looking everywhere for Jim. Cant finds him nowhere. They selling Mas desk and bed. We next on the block. Thats when I falls to the floor. Jim aint going with us. Miss Watson decide to keep him. A present from her daddy. She got him lock up somewhere till the sale over. Then she gonna take him with her to her sisters place in town.

They carry off the furniture. Now the whole place go quiet.

We gots some fine niggers here. Best in the county. Every one of them sound. Strong and hearty. Mas Watson a good Christian man. He feed his niggers salt pork and let them grow they own greens. First one we got here Emma. She work hard as any man.

Emma cry out when she hear her name.

Mas Stevens come up in the back of the crowd. He sitting on his horse in his high boots.

How much you want for them oxen the farm and all the niggers he say.

Aint a sound in the room when he say that.

Then Emma start to scream. Cora join in moaning. Then all us women wails like we in Africa. Mas Stevens fire his gun.

I gives you twenty thousand dollars he say.

Sold.

That night the mourning songs pass from cabin to cabin. Nobody sleep that night. Lizbeth and Jonnie ask me where they daddy. Why he aint here with the rest of us.

He somewhere safe I says. He gonna come and steal us away.

I turns to the wall when I says it. Everywhere the wall patch with black walnut tar. I stares at the wall like I trying to find a way out.

That night my knife come back. Cora the one got it all long.

What you want with my knife I asks her.

You bout to hurt somebody you love. Thats why I takes it she say. That knife for healing. You gonna need that knife where you going. Make sure you put it to good use.

Cora never make it to Mas Stevens place. She die in a fit while the rest of us gathering our things. We buries her in the Watsons graveyard. We hurries to lay the tobacco leaf over her body and covers her with the ground. Jim put two pieces of limestone for a marker.

Folks try to take what little furniture they has. But Mas Stevens say to leave it. We gots everything you need he say. He tell Banes to march us over to his place.

Banes smell of whiskey. Folks say his job to beat us to death and keep Mas Stevens in whiskey. Banes order some of Mas Stevens niggers to burn our cabins. Folks sobbing now. Grown folks sobbing like children to see they cabins burn.

I cant looks. I keeps the fires at my back. I pushes the children on ahead of me. At Mas Stevens place the children toil longside they parents. Nobody watch over them. Lizbeth cry as we walk. She thinking of Cora I spects.

Cora in a better place I says. And soon we gonna be too.

I knows she cant hear me but she take my hand. She all the way try to make me feel better.

Mas Stevens waiting for us on his horse. I scared when I looks at him. I scared of his boots. His boots and his cane. All these years later I still feels that cane pushing me from behind.

I dont wants my children to know I scared so I looks up instead of down when he talk to us. He look at me too. I aint knows if he remember me but I remembers him.

He show us the cabins. You gonna double up he say. That mean he gonna put us in with his niggers. They aint nothing but skin and bones and they looking at us like we makes a good meal. You think you something. You aint nothing now. Thats what they eyes be saying.

The cabins full of holes. Mas Stevens aint give them no paper to patch the holes. He put me and Lizbeth and Jonnie in with his cook.

Mas Stevens cook name Fortune. He say he name her that cause thats what she cost him. She aint know bout cooking and Mas aint give her nothing to cook with. Her real work making babies. She like to be big. Mas let her come in out the fields when she want. Anytime but high summer. She got to work then big or not. So far she give Mas seven children. Soon as they can work Mas sell them off.

One day I asks Fortune why she aint use no herb to keep Mas away from her.

She look at me like I crazy. What I wants to keep Mas away for she say. I owns Mas. I eats Mas alive she say. I takes everything he got then I wipes him away. White the easiest color to wipe away in this world. Easiest thing to get rid of. All you got to do is mix it up with something else. Soon they gonna be more and more of us. And we gonna be the mas and the miss. She laugh when she say it.

I aint laughs with her. If you owns Mas I says why you let him sell all your children away from you.

She mad now. I aint no fool she say. I makes him sell them. What I wants them to stay here for. I makes him feed them and sell them. We eating meat while all you niggers eating cornpone. I makes sure Mas aint sell my children to no traders. They all got to stay near to me. The little ones go to the laundress or the seamstress. When they bigger they go to the factory. Childrens fingers good for rolling them cigars. The big boys work the quarry. The girls hire on in the shops. I sees them at the holiday. They come back and visit they old mama they do. One of these days they gonna come and steal me away. What your children gonna do for you.