My Hope Next Door (22 page)

CHAPTER 39

M
ary had asked for her companionship, but after twenty minutes inside that house Katie insisted on cleaning, something Mary’s new “caretaker” obviously didn’t do. She started in the bathroom, scrubbing tile and grout and scraping lime from the shower door. It was gross, tedious, rough work, and yet Katie had never felt more alive. That hard, pressing burden was gone.

She dragged herself into her house on exhausted legs, wanting a shower so badly she could feel the water on her skin already. Her dad’s truck was parked out front. Odd for a Monday, but then again, her parents’ schedule had been unpredictable lately.

“Mom?” Katie peeked into her mom’s makeshift bedroom and then the office. Both empty. She listened for the television or conversation. Silence.

The living room held nothing but some newspapers and a fat cat; the kitchen, only the unwashed breakfast dishes.

It was easily pushing ninety-five degrees outside, but Katie pulled open the back door anyway. With her walker, there were only so many places her mother could be, and a sick dread started to fester in her mind.

Her father’s hunched back and a small stream of smoke brought immediate relief, even though seeing her dad puff on a cigarette still bothered her.

He must have heard the door and did a quick glance behind him. “Oh, Katie, you’re home.”

She sat down next to him. “I didn’t see Mom.”

He took an extra long drag, held it in, and blew out the smoke as though it brought a relief she couldn’t understand. “She’s at the hospital.”

The dread came slamming back. “For more tests?”

Another drag. “That idiot cat knocked into her cane. She hit the wall first. Then the floor. She had her phone in her pocket and called me after she came to. Doc says she sprained her wrist pretty bad and has a concussion. They’re going to keep her overnight.”

Why wasn’t she using the walker? Why hadn’t they called her? Why wouldn’t they move from this deathtrap of a house?

Katie clenched her hands, not saying any of those things out loud. Her dad would take them as criticism, and since he’d just lit up another cigarette two seconds after extinguishing the old one, she had a feeling he wasn’t in a space to hear her opinions right now.

So she did something she never thought she’d ever have the courage to do. She wrapped her arms around her father and hugged him. “I love you, Dad. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.”

His cigarette hand dropped, his shoulders sagged, and then her gruff, closed-off hulk of a father cried. There was no sound. Just a dipped head and the tremble of his body.

She’d been so eager to see them move that she’d never stopped to think about what doing so meant. It meant the end of their dreams. It meant accepting that this disease would rob them of their life together. It meant questioning their mortality, and Katie knew those thoughts were void of any hope without Christ. She’d been there, living among them, and never once considered how much they were hurting too.

She lay her head on his shoulder. “We’ll get through this. You, me, and Mom. You’ll see.”

His hand touched hers and stayed there, holding on, sharing the load until he regained his composure. He smashed the second cigarette and stood. “I’m gonna pack some things and head back up there.”

“If you wait until I shower, I’ll ride with you.”

Her dad rubbed the back of his neck, his mouth set in a line that told her she wasn’t going to like his answer. “Let’s just let her sleep, and maybe you can come up tomorrow.”

Katie took a breath, released it slowly. “Is she really still that angry at me?”

Hating confrontation the way he did, her dad walked toward the back door and swung open the screen.

She followed him. “Dad, I need us to talk about this. I want to fix things.”

“There’s nothing to fix, Katie. Stay here and I’ll call when it’s a good time to come.”

“It’s never a good time.”

Her dad pressed two fingers to his temples. “I don’t want to fight with you.”

“I don’t either. Heck, I don’t even know what we’re fighting about. I just want to go with you so I can see Mom.”

“Fine.” He dropped his hands and let out a furious sigh, as though she’d cornered him. “You can’t go with me ’cause Cooper’s there. He stayed while I came here to pick up some clothes. We were on a job, and the boy dropped everything to come help me. I know you two are circling the ring right now, and I won’t have that in your mother’s condition.”

Katie pushed away the hurt. She’d wanted this, had chosen to cut people out of her life. She’d just never expected them to linger in the shadows.

“Don’t look at me like that,” her dad said.

“Like what?”

“Like I slapped you.”

She examined her knees, which still ached from scrubbing Mary’s floors.

“This isn’t to hurt you. He’s a decent kid, and he’s been like family to us these last couple of years.”

Unlike her. “Okay.”

Silence stretched between them until her dad fidgeted under the weight. She knew what would happen next. He’d mumble something about time and hurry away before the tension suffocated them both. She backed away, giving him the out he obviously wanted.

“Listen. I was thinking about what you said. I think I’d like to talk to this Realtor myself.”

Katie froze, searched her father’s face for sarcasm. “You’re going to sell?”

He ran a hand over the faded paint on the wall. “I said I’d talk to him.”

In other words,
don’t push
. Her father didn’t rush. Not in life and especially not in decision-making. But the mere fact that he was even willing to have a conversation unraveled the knots in Katie’s shoulders. She’d found peace with Mary. And now her parents were one step closer to getting safe and settled. Her two biggest goals were right in front of her, close enough to grab and tuck into the finished pile.

His fingers stopped when they hit chipping paint. “This place is going to need some serious work.”

“We’ll manage.”

“I’ll get some guys from work to come out. It will go quicker.”

He said guys, but they both knew he meant Cooper.

“There’s that face again.”

“Sorry. I just wish it didn’t have to be him, you know. There are other people who can help us.” Asher, for one.

“It’s going to level out. You’ll see. Eventually the pain will disappear and you and Cooper can find a middle ground. Took me and my ex-wife ten years, but it happens.” He patted her arm. “Go find that business card.”

Katie watched her dad ascend their stairs, a deep sense of unrest unfolding within her.

He’s a decent kid. He’s been like family. You’ll find a middle ground.

She couldn’t think that way. Couldn’t feel that way. Cooper had to stay the enemy.

Her dad spent most of the afternoon at the hospital while Katie used her nervous energy to finish another set of shelves in the walk-in master closet. She checked the eBay sales, packaged up boxes, and made a list of what still needed to be sorted and organized. Then she made a list of everything that needed maintenance or repair.

Three pages. Well, at least it wasn’t four.

A knock at the door sent her rushing in that direction, so ready to see the one person who could make all her tension go away.

“You said bring tools.” Asher held up a duffel bag and sported a bright smile that was like sunbeams through dark, ugly rain clouds.

She palmed his face and kissed him, quickly and lightly, before stepping back. “You’re my hero.”

He dropped the bag, gathered her close with his solid arms, and made it clear a hero deserved a far better greeting. She didn’t mind. She felt stronger in his arms, as though he could transfer all his goodness just by touching her. Protect her from the doubt in her mind and the gnawing conscience that’d worked its way into the recesses of her heart.

“Much better,” he muttered against her lips.

She eased away, her pages of chores held tightly in her hand. “I made a list,” she said, handing it to him.

His gaze brushed over the words, his hands flipping through pages. “You want this done today?”

“What? No. Just the stuff I starred. It’s in the master bathroom. Dad would feel weird if he knew you were in there.”

Asher dropped his arms, the pages skittering against his work jeans. “I think he’s going to figure it out when he comes home and his toilet and sink no longer leak.”

“Yeah, but it will be done, so who cares?”

His eyes swept over her face, her trembling hands, and the nervous way she kept shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “So, how long will your mom be in the hospital?”

“Just overnight, I think.”

He picked up the tool bag, followed her to the stairs. “You didn’t want to go?”

Yes. Desperately.
“No. Mom doesn’t do well when she feels helpless.”

“A family trait, huh?” Warmth enveloped her hand and stopped her ascent. He touched her cheek, seeing inside her the way no one had ever tried to before. “Don’t take it personally. People are sometimes the meanest when they don’t want to need you but do.”

She knew he was talking about her mother, but the little voice kept screeching.

You messed him up pretty bad, kid.

Cooper’s only loved two people in his life. You and Chad. In one night he lost both of you.

No! She had to make it stop. That horrible pressing guilt was back, seizing her.

“Hey.” Asher’s hand tightened, pulling her from the words knocking around in her head. “You’re obviously upset. Let’s just put this ‘honey-do’ list in a drawer, pick up some flowers, and go. Trust me, I’m a pro at hospital visits. My dad used to take me all the time.”

She sighed, wishing life could be that simple. “I’ll go tomorrow. Tonight, I just need to check things off my list.”

CHAPTER 40

T
here were no more secrets to uncover, yet Asher couldn’t stifle his unease. He told himself he was inviting trouble by prying. That Katie’s increased distance over the last two weeks had everything to do with the sale of the house and nothing to do with her pulling away from him.

Yet this was their first date since the restaurant, and she’d been staring silently at the pond for the last five minutes.

He took her hand, suddenly needing contact, and squeezed. She met his eyes, offered the same apologetic smile he’d seen since they’d walked out there. The one that said she knew she was being too quiet.

“I finished the house yesterday. The attic and shed are all that’s left. I’m still in awe. Although now we can see just how run-down every room is.”

“I thought Wade already had buyers.”

“Oh, he does, but Dad wants top dollar. Says a little sweat will go a long way. I think the number range haunts him in his sleep.”

“I can help, you know. I have plenty of vacation time. Let me take a week and come be your slave.”

When she didn’t respond, he looked at her, the way the sun was dropping in the sky at her back, the way her eyes stayed warm and soft on his. The worry returned. She had yet to talk about her plans for after the house sold.

She squeezed his hand tighter. “If it were up to me, I promise you’d be over there every day. But my dad is funny about trust. And honestly, I’m tired of fighting with him about it.”

“I didn’t realize it had become an argument.”

She shrugged. “It is what it is.”

He scooted in closer and tucked her between his legs, her back against his stomach. She melted against him and pulled his arms tighter around her. Her hair was freshly washed and smelled like lemons and honey. The scent drew him in closer. He wanted that smell forever, wanted moment after moment with her in this spot watching the water ripple in the breeze.

“Have you decided what you’re going to do after the house sells?”

“No, but I still have time to figure all that out.”

Nature squawked around them: insects buzzed, a frog croaked from the mud, two birds sang a melody back and forth.

He loved every sound. “You know, I never thought I’d be this happy again. And then you pulled in next door with your hundred-pound bag and made everything better. I want you to stay, Katie. Next door or not, I’m not ready to stop being with you.” It was so much less than he wanted to say. He wanted to tell her he’d fallen in love with her. Fully, completely, and in a way that was unlike anything he’d felt before. Even with Jillian. They’d been perfectly matched on the outside, yet his soul had never felt this kind of peace. Not with her.

He waited for Katie to say something beyond the kiss to his hand and the sigh that made the hair stand up on the back of his neck. He knew what it felt like to be pushed. To be forced into a commitment he wasn’t ready for. And he didn’t want to do the same to her. Yet twice now, he’d shown his hand. He’d said
I love you
in every possible way but one.

“I wish I could read your mind right now,” he said, stuffing down his frustration.

“I’m not so sure you’d like what you found in there.”

“Try me.”

“Do you ever stop to wonder if people are inherently bad? Or if selfishness ever really goes away?”

Asher searched for the right words. She’d told him her past. It was dark and ugly. But what he’d failed to get her to see was that
she
wasn’t. Not anymore.

“I believe all of us are rotten, which is why we need Christ.”

“But you were hurt by Christians. They lied. They put their own interests above your pain. They disappointed you enough to drive you from the church. So how do you know if you can really trust people when even those who try fail you?”

“You don’t, I guess.”

She went back to her quiet brooding, and the rigid muscles in her back said he’d somehow missed it: her question inside a question. He filtered back through the conversation, searching for the deeper meaning.

“Are you afraid of getting hurt?” Asher asked.

She unwrapped herself from his arms and spun around so they were facing each other. “No, I’m afraid of hurting you.” There was a desperation in the way she said it, like she had no control over her actions. It irritated him. They were beating this horse to a slow, painful death.

“I thought we were past this. I’ve told you I don’t care about who you used to be. I see you now, that’s it.”

“But what if people never really change? All this time, I’ve felt like a victim of circumstance. I’ve rationalized it a million ways. If Cooper hadn’t found me the job at Mary’s, then I never would have stolen the ring. If Cooper hadn’t yelled at me that night or had just let us stay at the club, then I never would have gone to Chad’s. If Cooper had just remembered there were spare keys in the bedroom, then maybe Chad would never have taken that nearly fatal hit. But what I never let myself see, until now, is that
I
made all those choices. I did.”

“And you’ve apologized for them. Multiple times.” Her cycle was continuing, that horrible march from regret to self-loathing to self-doubt. She still couldn’t grasp that she’d been forgiven. “Katie, at some point, you’re going to have to forgive yourself too.”

“I just wanted him to be the bad guy. And here he is, helping my parents. He stood by Laila when Chad left. Kept my secret for years, and probably would have for longer if I hadn’t come back.” She paused, her eyes focusing on a spot behind him. “He went after me when I left. I never knew. I truly thought he’d be relieved to see me go.”

A stabbing pain hit Asher in the chest, and for a span of a few seconds, he felt an ache that went past his bones to a place unseen and unfixable. “Are you still in love with him?”

Her eyes returned to his, with a flicker of surprise. “No.”

His stomach settled and he exhaled deeply, only then realizing he’d been holding his breath. “Okay. Good.”

Lines deepened around her mouth. “No. It’s not good. It’s what makes me so much more rotten. I’ve never been in love with anyone. I try to be. I pretend like I am. But there’s always an escape plan, an out if I need it. That day I left, it was the easiest decision I ever made.”

Fear rocked into him. He’d finally heard her. He’d brought her out here to declare his love, his intentions, his hopes and dreams for their future. And she couldn’t even get her mind around the idea of caring about someone on a deeper level.

“You had a chance to leave a few weeks back and you didn’t,” he reminded her.

She studied her hands. “I know. I still can’t figure out why.”

Though she hadn’t stopped frowning, relief edged out the doubts that had clouded his mind for a few moments. He touched her chin, tilted it up.

“My dad would say that people never fully understand love until they experience grace. You may be surprised by the decisions you’re capable of making now. Surprised even more by what you can feel.”

“Guilt. That seems to be my default emotion.” She allowed him to gather her close. Allowed him a moment of full clarity as he attempted to kiss away her shame.

Her lips lingered on his, her voice not much more than a raspy moan. “You’re so good. If I hurt you, I couldn’t stand it.”

“You’re not the only tough one, Katie. I’m not naïve. If I wanted easy, I could have it. I want you. The old. The new. All of it.”

Finally a smile came through the storms that had lingered on her face all afternoon. She shifted closer, straddled his lap, and ran soft fingers through the hair above his ear. “Are you saying I’m difficult?”

“I’m saying you’re worth it.” He kissed her then, and not the careful caress of before. This one was more demanding, dangerous. One where bodies collided and hands explored. One that would escalate into the shedding of clothes if he wasn’t so determined to keep them from becoming too physical.

He gripped her waist and pushed, the act of stopping almost as painful as a punch in the gut. His eyes locked on to her. “Tell me you’re going to stay.”

She planted a kiss on the sensitive skin beneath his earlobe and whispered, “I’ll consider it,” before dismounting from his lap.

He used the much-needed pause to get himself back under control.

She stretched out her legs. “There’s an apartment coming available in the Commons. My dad brought me an application.”

“And you’re just now telling me?”

She shrugged. “You’re hot when you get a little demanding.”

Yes, this girl was the opposite of easy. She was also everything he wanted, down to the crinkle on her nose as she brushed a centipede off their blanket.

He tackled her, pinned her with tickling fingers that made her snort through her nose and howl at him to stop. He’d wait. Tell her he loved her at a better time. When she wasn’t too afraid to hear it, and more importantly, when she had forgiven herself enough to believe him.