My Heroes Have Always Been Hitmen (Humorous Romantic Shorts) (Greatest Hits Mysteries) (8 page)

I stuck my chin out.
"I am too." Really! Troy could be so snooty about fashion sometimes. Like he was an expert or something.

He shook his head and his wig
's shiny, black sausage curls bounced appropriately. "You are
too old
to wear
that hat
."

I
whacked him on the arm with my own, blue parasol. "I am not. I'm nineteen. Just on the borderline. Besides," I pointed to the sapphire pin, "I need it for this. I have an assignment."

Troy
's eyebrows rose. "I will be completely
humiliated
!" Troy always talked in italics. You could hear the words bending to the right as he spoke them. "They will blame
me
for not
insisting
you wear a bonnet!"

"
No, they will think nothing of the sort." I pulled my shoulders back to show I was serious. "Or we can tell them I insisted."

Troy/
Auntie India whipped out his lace fan and fanned himself/herself quickly. "I
don't
like it."

"
I don't care," I answered. "It's just a hat."
              He/she gasped in horror. "It is
not
just a
hat
! It is so much more than that! I can't think of a worse scandal!"

I giggled.
"It would be worse if I didn't do my job." He knew that. If you failed at a mission, you ran the risk of being hunted down. That would mean Troy would have to go back home. No more parties. And no more dress up.

Siobhan
joined us. "Your carriage is here." Then she turned on her heel and left. She probably couldn't get away from us fast enough.

In the carriage,
Troy tapped me on the hand with his fan. "So, are you going to
tell me
about the job?"

"
Carter Livingstone Sperry," I answered. "He's staying with our hosts and, from the drawing, is quite a dish."

Troy
shook his head sadly. "That just doesn't seem right. Why can't we have more
ugly
vics? Like in Savannah. Remember that?"

How could I forget?
Savannah, last year, Troy helped me take out a pair of twin slave traders. Ugly twin slave traders. It really should be a crime that if you're that ugly, there shouldn't be an exact copy of you. Both men had eyebrows that not only came together in the middle of their forehead, but also formed a sort of caveman overhang over their eyes. I won't even tell you about the teeth and warts. It wouldn't be decent.

"
I seem to recall that we had a little trouble in Vicksburg. Something about wet gunpowder?" I asked innocently.

Troy
scowled. "Am I to be
tormented
by that one mistake forever? I forgot I'd hidden it in my wig. When I washed it, the powder got
wet
. You need to get over that."

"
I don't think I ever will," I said. "You should've gone as Troy, not Auntie India. I had to strangle one of those brutes with my bare hands! It took weeks to grow those fingernails back!"

Troy
looked at my hat. "Well, my dear, now that you have your
age-inappropriate hat
, no one would ever notice your fingernails."

I rolled my eyes.

"So." Troy grinned. "What's it going to be? The razor bladed fan? The sharpened whalebones in the corset? The poison in the locket? Or the pistol inside the cage crinoline?" My cousin listed my weaponry as accessories.

"
None of them." I smiled and tapped my hat pin.

"
Ah.
That's
why you're wearing the wrong hat for your
age
." Troy nodded, happy to get one more dig in.

The driver pulled up in front of a large, plantation house and helped Auntie and
me out of the vehicle. As he drove off, I linked my arm through Auntie India's (Once we were in character, I wasn't allowed to even think of him as Troy.), and we opened our parasols and joined the party.

"
Oh damn," Auntie said softly in her fake falsetto voice. "Colonel Potter is here."

Sure enough, the short, fat col
onel was quickly waddling toward us. I suppressed a giggle. Colonel Potter had met Auntie India at the holiday party at the Cantwells last year. Somehow, he'd fallen in love with her and was making it his life's work to pursue and woo my dear, widowed Auntie. Troy hated the old, overweight officer, but I thought they were darling together.

"
Miss India!" Colonel Potter swept low before us in an obnoxious courtly bow. His bald spot caught the sun and blinded us. Beside me I felt Auntie shiver.

"
And Miss Abby!" the man quickly added. "You are both such a vision to these old eyes!" He wrestled Auntie's arm from mine and placed her hand on his forearm. "Come with me, my dear! Your niece won't mind, will you, Miss Abby?"

It took all I had to suppress a smile.
"Of course not, Colonel Potter! Why my Auntie was just saying on the ride over here how much she was looking forward to seeing you today!"

Okay, it was a bit much, but I was still stinging a bit from the
too old to wear that hat
. My cousin glared at me over her fan before being dragged off by her suitor.

"
Abby!" I turned to see Winifred Buckingham coming toward me. I raised my hand and waved. I loved Winifred. She was my cousin on my father's side, and we were very close. It's unusual for Bombays to spend time with family on the non-Bombay side, and we are discouraged from having friends outside of the family. Wini was my connection to the south—my connection to the world I insisted on being part of. We hugged each other, and then she led me around the side of the house.

"
I have been waiting for you!" Winifred was the very embodiment of over enthusiasm. There was nothing that made this girl upset and everything made her happy—kind of like a hungry puppy inside a smokehouse. "We have a new guest that I'm simply mad for you to meet!"

"
Oh? Really?" I pretended. Of course she meant my assignment—Carter Livingstone Sperry. But she had no idea that I knew that, so I played along. I liked the idea of getting this over quickly so I could truly enjoy the rest of the party.

"
He's a distant cousin from California! Can you believe that?"

"
That he's a cousin or that he's from California?" I teased.

Winifred laughed
. "Both darling, both! Anyway, his name is Carter Livingstone Sperry, and he's a gold prospector! He's found an entire mountain made of the stuff!" Wini smiled broadly. An only and overly spoiled child, she was a very pretty girl with strawberry blonde hair, green eyes, and freckles. I wondered if green eyes ran in her family.

"
So he's wealthy." I sighed with boredom. It never failed to amaze me how these ridiculously rich southern belles were so smitten by a man with money. How dull.

Winifred looked at me with faux shock written in her eyes.
"Must you be so gauche, Abby? What's wrong with a wealthy man anyway? You will need a husband to look after you sooner or later. Why not one with money?"

I shook my head
. "Surely you haven't forgotten that I don't need money or a man to look after me, my friend. I can take care of myself. And I have Auntie India."

Winifred shook her head. I
'm sure I scandalized her. Most of these women thought I was completely mad. Who wouldn't want to be married and settled?

"
Well he's handsome and charming too," Winifred ventured a little more carefully. "You simply must meet him!" Her puppy-like enthusiasm returned in abundance, and she took my hand and ran for the door of the house.

The Buckingham
's home was larger than the White House. And I knew because I'd been. To the White House, I mean. It was years ago, but I was able to help Mother take out a member of the French Foreign Minister's staff who was there to kill the president. That was my introduction to the elegant simplicity of the hat pin as a weapon.

Wini and I stepped off the front porch onto the inlaid, tile floors
, and I looked around. The extreme gaudiness of her home never failed to embarrass me. How did the Buckinghams live like this?

Pink and green marble from
Italy clashed wildly with a huge, mahogany staircase and banister. The wallpaper had giant, gold fleur-de-lis dripping down the walls behind a crystal chandelier that took up half of the ceiling. I'd often toyed with the idea of saying something to Wini about this obnoxious display of wealth, but what good would it do? Troy often referred to it as Satan's entryway into Hell. I thought maybe he was right.

We stopped beside a giant, stuffed bear, posed on his hind legs as if he was going to attack us for humiliating him this way.

"Now let me see." Wini tapped her chin with a well-manicured forefinger. She was so lucky she didn't have to strangle anyone with her bare hands.

"
Where did Carter go off to?" She finally finished her question to herself and then squeaked like a spaniel as she dashed off, dragging me behind her, toward the library.

We opened the huge, oak doors to the library and sure enough, found ourselves face to face with Wini
's soon to be dead, distant cousin.

"
Carter!" Wini cried out as she pulled me towards my victim. "I want you to meet my very best and oldest friend, Miss Aberdeen Bombay!"

Carter Livingstone Sperry rose to his feet
, and I could see that he was quite a bit taller than I. I would probably have to plunge the hat pin into his ear when he was sitting down. Yes, that would be the best way to do it.

He took my hand in his and drew it up to his lips for a kiss.
"The pleasure is mine, Miss Bombay." Carter's voice was deep and smooth as silk. What an oily bastard. It wouldn't be difficult to get him alone for the fatal blow. Men like this took whatever conquests they could get.

"
The pleasure is, I assure you, all mine, Mr. Sperry." I managed to scrounge up a blush as he gently let go of my hand. Now all I had to do was get rid of Wini. I didn't really want her around when I killed her cousin. She didn't seem to know him at all, but, still, discovering that your best friend is an assassin would be a major shock to the poor girl, and I'd probably have to kill her for knowing that.

"
Oh Wini!" I gushed. "He's darling! Absolutely darling!" I was quite good at flattery, and Mr. Sperry had the good grace to smile.

I turned to my friend
. "You simply must find Auntie India so she can meet him! Do be a darling and run off to find her! She's with Colonel Potter by the buffet, I'm certain."

Wini cocked her head to one side with a quizzical look on her face. Of course, I was asking for a scandalous breach of protocol, asking to be left alone with a man I didn
't know. But I needed to get on with it so I could enjoy the rest of the party. I figured I could lay Sperry out on the sofa to make it look like he was napping. It would be hours before anyone realized he was dead. Whoever came into a library during a barbeque anyway? My fingers twitched for the sapphire hat pin, lodged in my hair.

"
But Abby," Wini pouted, "I can't leave you alone in here with Carter!"

I nodded dismissively as I laid out the plan in my head. I
'd invite Sperry to sit with me on the sofa—that would eliminate my need to carry him and bring him down to my ear level. I could carry a man—but it would devastate my dress. And that was
not
happening.

"
Oh darling!" I waved her off. "This is your cousin! I'm certain he is a complete gentleman. We will be fine. I promise you." I pictured the whole event playing out in my thoughts. We were only a few feet from the sofa. I'd bat my eyelashes and flirt shamelessly while removing my hat and pin. It would be over in moments. I toyed with going through the eye socket—but sometimes the eyeball popped which would make it easier to declare foul play. Going through the ear was far harder to detect, but it was nearly impossible with a man's full attention on you. I could always go up through the nose into the brain…

"
But we'll be scandalized!" Wini squealed. "Simply scandalized!"

I frowned at her. She was making a tremendous fuss.
All she had to do was leave the room for a while. I would need to distance myself from the body as soon as I'd killed the man, but I could say I went looking for Wini and Auntie myself when they didn't come back soon enough. It would be easy if Wini would just do what I said.

"
Wini! It's me, Abby, you are worried about! You have nothing to fear. We will be fine."

Wini looked from me to the now amused Carter Livingstone Sperry. The cad didn
't even try to protest. He wanted to be alone with me. And he would pay for that.

"
It's not just you, Abby." Wini actually began wringing her hands. What was wrong with the silly girl? "It's my family. No, I simply cannot do it. We shall all go look for your aunt." She turned to beam at her cousin. "Isn't that right, Carter, dear?"