My Favorite Fangs: The Story of the Von Trapp Family Vampires (20 page)

INTERLUDE #3

“C
AN’T LIE, DRAC,”
Handsome Boy said. “All this Vampire-on-Succubus sexual subtext ain’t a bad thing.”

“It’s not subtext,” Dracula pointed out. “It’s text.”

“The Vampire-on-Vampire lesbian sex was pretty hot, too,” Felt Face said. “One, two, three, four. I’ve popped four boners.”

“Do Muppets have the ability to pop boners?” Brown Cape asked.

“Don’t know and don’t care, because I’m not a Muppet. Can cartoon cereal characters pop boners?”

“Don’t know and don’t care, because I’m not a cartoon cereal character.” Brown Cape stood up and said, “I’m grabbing a drink. You guys want anything from the fridge?”

“Blood,” Dracula said.

“Ditto,” Handsome Boy said.

Felt Face said, “One, two. Two. In other words, make mine a double.”

After Brown Cape returned with the libations, Dracula asked, “Which begs the question, does all this sex and sexual tension advance the plot?”

Handsome Boy said, “Plot advancement? Ha! Even the characters in the book bitch about plot advancement, or lack thereof. The sex is strictly for the sake of titillation.”

Brown Cape said, “Maybe it’s a metaphor. Or an allegory. Or a simile. Or a homonym. Or a synonym. Or a…”

“Oh, cut the crap, General Mills,” Handsome Boy said. “You’re making an ass out of yourself.”

“How’s that?”

“One, because you didn’t read the book, and B) because you have no clue what any of those literary devices mean.”

“Apparently,” Brown Cape sneered, “neither does the author.”

“Guys, guys, guys, settle down,” Dracula said. “Believe it or not, General Mills here is right. It’s all a bunch of metaphors … ham-handed metaphors, granted, but metaphors nonetheless. The point is, in the movie, Maria and the Baroness are vying for the Captain’s affection, but it’s all hiding beneath a veneer of faux-politeness. Goldsher’s using sex to heighten and exaggerate the rivalry.”

“So it’s not really a metaphor,” Handsome Boy said. “It’s heightening and exaggeration.”

“Heightening and exaggeration,” Felt Face said. “I count one, two. Two of the most important properties of parody.”

Dracula pointed at Felt Face. “What he said. I stand corrected. Now wait’ll you check out the sex stuff at the end of chapter seven…”

“Screw that,” Handsome Boy said. “Let’s just watch the movie and call it a night.”

Throwing his book onto the coffee table, Dracula said, “You want to watch the movie? Fine, we’ll watch the movie.”

As the host searched through his DVD collection, Handsome Boy looked at his watch and said, “Get moving, bloke,” then, under his breath, added, “Can’t let that Jacob arsehole start sniffing around Bella.”

CHAPTER 7

M
ARIA WAS EXHAUSTED
, as exhausted as she had ever been, even more exhausted than after her feeding frenzy of 1697, a frenzy that lasted three months, and lead to the deaths, and/or the undeaths of 201 people, thus turning the tiny town of Gosch into Austria’s first Vampire colony.

That exhaustion was physical, but this, this was mental. Overseeing the von Trapp children, even for this brief amount of time, was all-consuming, plus, the Captain was childlike in his own right, and there was only so much babysitting Frau Alice and Alfred could do by themselves. So Maria was compelled to help when and where she could … which, for the most part, meant cleaning up the Captain’s empty bottles, empty glasses, and regurgitate.

And then there was the Baroness. Ah, the Baroness, the Succubus from
Hölle
, the nemesis she’d never asked for. (
Why would anybody want to be my nemesis?
Maria wondered.
I’m a nice creature, always kind to everybody … except for the periodic disembowelment, but I never disemboweled anybody who didn’t more or less deserve it
.) As far as Maria knew, she had never said or done anything to merit Elsa’s ire—
Alright, stepping on the Baroness’s wing wasn’t necessarily the kindest of gestures
, Maria admitted to herself,
but she started it
. And sure, she had had that nice moment with the Captain down by the lake after the Ländler, but there had been no kissing or fondling involved, so that shouldn’t have upset the Baroness.
Maybe she’s simply insecure
, Maria thought.
But why on Earth would a Succubus be insecure about keeping a gentleman pleased? Pleasing gentlemen is theoretically their expertise
. It was all very confusing … and exhausting.

Maria opened her bedroom window, taking in the stars and their awful beauty, wishing she were back at the Abbey, where life was far less complex. Yes, the Abbey had its downsides—Cinnamon and Brandi, for instance, were busybody tattletales, which Maria always found odd, because one would think that centuries-old Zombies would have more to keep their minds occupied than reporting her comings and goings to Mother Zombie—but she had her cramped, fetid room, and she had Mother Zombie beating her regularly, and she had easy access to the Untersberg, so all in all, it was a lovely place for a Vampire to spend her undeath.

On the other hand, there were certain aspects of the von Trapp mansion that made for a nice existence. There was … there was … there was … well, truth be told, aside from the wonderful acoustics in the ground-floor bathroom—acoustics that allowed for some quite fulfilling saxophonics and fantasies about John Coltrane—there was only one thing that got Maria excited: Captain Georg von Trapp.

There was something about the old lush that caught Maria’s fancy. It wasn’t his looks—he was probably a handsome man back before he became a single father and started drinking gin for breakfast. It wasn’t his money—like most Vampires of her era, Maria cared little for material goods, and besides, if there was something she really wanted, she could kill its owner and steal it. No, it was the Captain’s bearing: The way he staggered across the floor, the way he spoke down to people, the way he handled his children with a drunken iron fist. It all added up to the kind of flawed man that any female Vampire would happily allow into their lady-parts time and time again.

Bored with looking at the stars, Maria began to disrobe, but she was so tired that stripping was proving to be problematic. And then, a light knock at the door: “Good evening, Vampire. May I come in?” Then, without receiving an answer, Baroness Elsa Schrader opened the door and walked across the threshold. “It seems you’re having some trouble with your outfit. Might I lend you a hand?” Cat-like, Maria hissed, and bared both her fangs and nails at the Succubus. The Baroness held up her hands in what appeared to be a conciliatory manner. “I come in peace, Maria. I mean you no harm. I’d just like to speak. Can we do that?”

Maria relaxed a bit. “Speak about what?” she asked suspiciously.

“This. And that. And the other thing.”

“Baroness, I most certainly don’t love you most of all.”

“Georg seems to love
you
most of all.”

Maria looked away. “What do you mean by that?”

“Oh, come now, Vampire. We’re both women. We’re both otherworldly creatures. We’re both immortal. We have both been there and done that. Let’s not pretend we don’t notice when a man notices us.”

“Frankly, Baroness, I
don’t
notice when a man notices me.”

“Well
I
do, and I notice when a man notices somebody else other than me, and I’ve noticed on more than one occasion the Captain noticing you.”

“The Captain notices everything and everybody. I don’t stand apart.”

“A pale, slender female with legs up to
here
, perky breasts, and the sharpest fangs in Austria? You stand apart, Maria, whether you like it or not.” The Baroness walked across the room. “Come on, let me help you disrobe.” Before Maria could say a word, the Succubus removed the Vampire’s dress in six seconds flat, then gave Maria’s backside an unabashed gawk. “I know Georg notices that derriere of yours, and I can’t say that I blame him. It’s quite a sight.”

“You can credit that to the Pilates.”

“Credit that to the
what
?”

“Nothing. And for the record, I haven’t done a thing to attract the Captain’s attention.”

“You don’t necessarily have to, my dear. Men like women who like them.” She stole another glace at Maria’s rump and shook her head appreciatively. “Plus he probably likes that thing.”

“Wait,” Maria said, turning back around, “you think he’s in love with me?”

“Surely you have noticed the way he looks at your face. And your teeth. And your chest.” The Baroness leered at Maria’s bare breasts. “And I can’t say that I blame him there, either. For a lady who’s many, many centuries old, you are tight as
fick
.”

“Pilates.”

“What?”

“Forget it.” Maria went to her closet and put on her nightgown, rerunning that evening’s interaction with the Captain in her head.
Maybe the Baroness is right
, she thought.
Maybe he’s interested in me
.

As if the Baroness had read Maria’s mind—which she wasn’t able to do; despite many centuries of research and development, Succubi have no extrasensory perception—Elsa said, “Maybe he
is
interested in you, but I wouldn’t take it too seriously. Like all men, he has a wandering eye. He’ll move on to another soon enough. Familiarity breeds contempt.” She stepped toward Maria and whispered into her ear, “But maybe to play it safe, you should go back from whence you came.” She then took a nibble of Maria’s earlobe and breathed into her ear in a manner that few beings—be they Vampire or mortal, be they male or female—could resist. “Pack now,” she added, moving her hand under Maria’s robe and tweaking her left nipple.

Maria’s breath quickened. “I should go back from whence I came,” she said in a Zombie-like tone. “I should pack now.”

The Baroness licked Maria’s neck, then said, “Return to the Abbey.”

“I shall return to the Abbey.”

The Baroness rubbed her thigh against Maria’s lady-parts. “Leave immediately.”

“I shall leave immediately.”

The Baroness gently pulled Maria’s hair. “You love me most of all.”

“I love you most of all.”

The Baroness ran a finger down the center of Maria’s backside. “Don’t say goodbye to the Captain or the brats.”

“I shall not say goodbye to the Captain or the brats.”

The baroness ran her lips along Maria’s neck. “Write a goodbye note and leave it on the table.”

“I shall write a goodbye note and leave it on the table.”

The Baroness then put her hand on Maria’s neck and pulled her into a kiss. Defenseless at this point, Maria opened her mouth wide and let Elsa’s tongue explore her fangs. The kiss intensified, and their intermingled saliva created a scent that would have brought a eunuch to orgasm. The Baroness broke off their embrace and said, “Nice meeting you, Maria. Climb every mountain.”

“Nice meeting you, Baroness. I shall climb every mountain.”

“Oh, also, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

“I shall not let the door hit me on the way out.”

After she left the dazed Vampire’s room, Baroness Schrader walked down the stairs and into the drawing room, head held high, a broad grin plastered on her stunning face. She blew a kiss at the Captain and said, “Hello, darling,” then nodded at Detweiler and sneered, “Max.”

“Well,” von Trapp said, rising from the sofa, “you seem a lot more chipper.”

“I feel a lot more chipper, my dear. Almost as if I lived through a silver-white winter that melted into spring.”

Max said, “You always struck me as being impervious to weather.”

The Baroness’s grin grew wider, and she said, “Oh, Max, I love you least of all!” She turned to the Captain. “And speaking of your Governess, dear, it’s lovely having her around, just lovely. It would be a shame if she disappeared.”

“Why would she disappear?” the Captain asked.

Giggling, the Baroness said, “Never mind.” She cupped her hands over her mouth and yelled,
“Alfredddddd! Champaaaaaaaagne! Nowwwwwwwwww!”

“
Shh
,” the Captain hissed. “Inside voice. You’ll wake the children. And Malia.”

“Maria,” Max corrected.

“Right. Maria. She has worked hard this week, and she deserves a good night’s sleep.”

The Baroness nodded. “She works hard for the money, that Governess of yours.”

“She does,” Max agreed. “So you’d better treat her right.” He asked the Baroness, “Was that even in a musical?”

“No. It was on plenty of soundtracks, though.”

Von Trapp asked, “What’s a soundtrack?”

Before she could answer, Alfred arrived with a bottle of champagne and three glasses. Elsa took the tray from the butler’s hand and placed it on the table, then filled all three glasses, and chugged straight from the bottle until it was empty. She belched lightly, then said, “Hmm, what’s this?”

“What’s what?” the Captain asked, eyes raised to the ceiling.

She cuffed him on the back of his head, then pointed to an envelope that had materialized on the marble table at the front of the room, the Baroness said, “
That
, dummy,
that
.”

The Captain staggered over to the table, opened the envelope, and read aloud:

Dear Captain von Trapp: This is to inform you that I’m taking leave of you and your family. You’re lovely people, but the Untersberg beckons me, and I can’t ignore its pull. I must climb every mountain, so it’s with much regret that I say so long, farewell,
auf wiedersehen,
good night. If you wish to contact me, you know where to find me. Yours, Vampire Sister Maria of the Zombie Abbey. P.S.: Tell Friedrich I shall find him in exactly one hundred years, and I will teach him about doeraydoeraydoeraydoeray. He’ll know what I’m talking about.

The Captain dropped the note on the table, speechless, clearly in shock.