My Enemy, the Queen (34 page)

I was overcome by uneasiness. How much did I know of my husband? If there was even some truth in what I was reading, I had to admit my position must be a precarious one. What if the Queen after all decided she might marry him, what would he do? Would he find the prospect irresistible? Should I be found at the bottom of a staircase with a broken neck? It seemed a logical outcome.

I considered us allhe three who formed this unholy trio. We were all complicated people, and none of us overscrupulous. Both Robert and Elizabeth had lived dangerously all their lives. Elizabeth mother and Robert father had both died violent deaths on the scaffold, and they themselves had come within a few paces of a similar fate. As for myself, I had been required by the Queen to live more in the shadows; but I was married to a man who, according to Leicester Commonwealth, wielded the poison cup and other lethal weapons without compunction. The mystery of Amy Robsart would never be cleared; all that was known was that she died at a time when her death could have brought Robert elevation to the side of the Queen. I thought of Douglass Sheffield, who had at one time become an embarrassment to him. Her nails had started to disintegrate and her hair to fall out. She had not died, but had apparently come near to it. What did we know of the dangers through which she had passed? At least she was now the most contented of wives, for Edward Stafford adored her.

I was growing more and more dissatisfied. It seemed to me that the Queen would never relent towards me. If she had denied her presence to Robert, I should have been somewhat reconciled. He was rich, and even if he had had no more favors from the Queen, we could have lived in great style at Kenilworth, Wanstead, Cornbury, Leicester Houser one of his manorsnd I should have been romantically regarded as the woman for whom he considered the Queen favor well lost.

But it was not sond, being determined to punish me, she took a malicious delight in keeping him from my side. For what? For being preferred by him! She was anxious to show mend the worldhat he would desert me any day for her. And he did.

On his brief visits we made passionate love, but I wondered if he realized that even our old ardor was changing for me. I wondered if Elizabeth noticed the change in him. A man who had lived as Robert had could not expect to escape unscathed. He had lived too richly, indulged himself too freely in what people call the good things of life, and the result was periodic visits to Buxton, where he took the waters and lived on simpler fare and hoped his gout would subside. Being so tall, he was still an impressive figure, and the aura, which had made him stand out like a prince in a crowd, remained. He was a man who created his own destiny. The legends which were attached to him would always make people speak his name with awe. He remained the most discussed man in the country, a role he thoroughly enjoyed and sought. The Queen devotion to him, which had lasted for nearly a lifetime, would never be forgotten. But he was an aging figure now, and when I saw him after absences I was always a little shocked by his appearance.

I took great care of myself, determined to appear young as long as I could. Being denied the Court, I had time to experiment with herbs and lotions which kept my skin beautiful. I bathed in milk; I made special washes for my hair which helped to keep its shining color. I used paint and powder with a skill unrivaled by the Queen women, and so I preserved a youthful look which denied my years. I thought of Elizabethlder than Ind I took a distinct pleasure in studying myself in my mirror and examining my complexion, which appearedided by those adjuncts to beauty which I could apply with such skills fresh as a young girl.

Robert always declared himself astonished when he saw me after being away for some time. ou have not changed since the day I first saw you,he said. An exaggeration but a welcome one; yet I did know that I had preserved a certain flowerlike freshness, which gave me a look of innocence so ill matched by my nature that it may have been this contrast which set me apart and was the secret of my appeal to men. In any case I was kept aware of my attractions on which Robert never failed to comment. He often compared our Vixen with his Lambo the detriment of the former course and this he did to put me in a good mood. He did not want the time we spent together wasted in recriminations. He desperately hoped that we should have another child; but I was not eager for that. I would never really get over the loss of my little Robert, which may sound false in a woman of my nature, but is nevertheless true. That I was selfish, I knew, sensual, looking for admiration, seeking pleasure I recognized all this. I had learned too that I was not overscrupulous in the manner in which I reached my desiresut in spite of this I was a good mother. I take pride in that even now. All my children loved me. To Penelope and Dorothy I was like a sister, and they confided their matrimonial secrets to me. Not that Dorothy had trials at this time; she was blissfully happy in her runaway match. It was different with Penelope. She told me in detail of the sadistic habits of Lord Rich, the husband she had never wanted, of his taunts because of Philip Sidney passion for her, and of the lurid life of their bedchamber. Such was her natureo similar to mine hat she was not entirely cast down by all this. Life was exciting to her: the long battles with her husband; the sublime devotion of Philip Sidney (I often wondered what his wife, Frances, thought of that); and the constant looking forward to what adventures the day would bring. So I had my girls.

As for my boys, I saw Robert, the Earl of Essex, now and then. I insisted because I could not endure the separation. He was living in his house at Llanfydd in Pembrokeshire, which I protested was too far away. He had grown into a very handsome young man. His temper was a little uncertain and, I had to admit, that there was a definite waywardness, an arrogance in his nature; but the mother in me quickly protested that this was overshadowed by his perfect manners and an innate courtesy which was very appealing. He was tall and slender, and I adored him.

I urged him to join the family but he shook his head and a stubborn look I well knew came into his eyes.

ay, dearest Mother,he said, was not meant to be a courtier.

ou look like one, my darling.

ppearances often lie. Your husband would want me to go to Court, I believe, and I am happy in the country. You should come to me, Mother. We two were not meant to be apart. Your husband is, I hear, often in close attendance on the Queen, so he perhaps would not miss you.

I noticed the contemptuous curve of his lips. He was one who had great difficulty in concealing his feelings. He was not pleased by my marriage. I sometimes thought he resented Leicester because he knew how much I cared for him, and he wanted all my affection bestowed on him. And of course hearing how Leicester neglected me for the Queen would make him angry too. I knew my son.

Young Walter idealized his brother Robert and spent as much time as he could in his company. Walter was a dear boy pale shadow of Essex, I always thought. I loved him, but the feeling I had for any of my children could not approach the intensity of that I felt for Essex.

But those were happy days when I could gather my family around me and we could sit at the fireside and talk together. They recompensed me in many ways for the loss of my life at Court and the company of my husband who was often there.

Being content with the children I had, I did not want the inconvenience of bearing more. I reckoned I was too old for that. Childbirth would be an ordeal for me now and I had had my share of it.

I did remember how eager I had once been to have a child by Robert. Fate had given us our little angel, our oble Impe but with him had come great anxiety and sorrow. I should never forget his death and those nights I had spent at his bedside after one of his fits. And now he was gone, but while I mourned his loss deeply, a great anxiety was lifted from me. There was compensation in knowing that my little darling was suffering no more. Sometimes I would ask myself whether his death had been a punishment for my sins. I wondered whether Leicester felt the same.

No, I did not want more children and this might be a sign that I was falling out of love with Robert.

When I was at Leicester House, where I liked best to be because of its closeness to the Courto near and yet so far for those excluded from it saw more of Robert because it was easier for him to slip away for brief periods. But we could not be together for more than a few days before the Queen messenger would arrive to demand his return to Court.

On one occasion he came to me rather preoccupied. After his protestations of eternal fidelity to me and that consummation of our passion which I fancied he tried to endow with the eagerness we had both known when we had snatched our secret meetings, I realized what had brought him this day.

It was a man named Walter Raleigh who was causing him some disquiet.

I had heard of him, of course. His name was on everyone lips.

Penelope had met him and said he was undoubtedly handsome and possessed of great charm; the Queen had quickly brought him into her intimate circle. He had leaped into prominence, the story went, one wet day when the Queen was returning to the palace on foot and had paused before a muddy stretch of ground over which she had to cross. Raleigh had taken off his elaborate plush cloak and spread it over the dirty ground that she might walk on it. I could picture the scene: the graceful gesture, the expensive cloak, the glitter in those tawny eyes as she noticed the handsome looks of the young man; the speculation in those of the adventurer who no doubt counted the cost of an elaborate cloak well lost for the sake of rich benefits to come.

It had not been long after that incident that Raleigh was at the Queen side, delighting her with his wit, his compliments, his adoration, and his accounts of past adventures. She had grown very fond of him and had knighted him that very year.

Penelope told me that at one of the palacesreenwich, I thinkhen he was in the company of the Queen, he had tested her affection for him by scratching on a windowpane with a diamond the words:

Fain would I climb

Yet fear I to fall.

as though asking her to assure him that he would have nothing to fear by trying to rise in her favor.

Characteristically she took the diamond from him and beneath his couplet scratched the words:

If thy heart fails thee

Climb not at all.

which was in a way stressing the fact that her favors must be sought at all times and that no one should believe he would be favored without merit.

Robert had believed, after he had been taken back into favor, that his position was secure. So it was, I was certain; whatever he did she would never forget the bond between them. At the same time he was anxious that no young man should rise too high in her favor, and it appeared that this was exactly what Raleigh was doing. It was galling to Robert to see a younger man constantly beside the Queen; ever present was the fear that someone younger would replace him in her favor. She knew this, of course, and loved to tease him. I was sure that she showed Raleigh more favor when Robert was near than she ever did in his absence.

aleigh is giving himself airs,he told me. oon he will be thinking himself the most important man at Court.

e is very good-looking,I replied slyly. e has the qualities, it seems, which appeal to Her Majesty.

rue enough, but he is inexperienced, and I will not have him giving himself such airs.

ow will you stop him?

Robert was thoughtful. Then he said: t is time for young Essex to come to Court.

e is happy enough in Llanfydd.

e cannot spend his life there. How old is he now?

e is but seventeen.

ld enough to begin making a way for himself. He has great charm and should do well at Court.

on forget that he is my son.

hat one of the reasons why I wish to bring him to Court, my dearest. I want to do everything I can for him because I know how fond you are of him.

e is a son to be proud of,I said fondly.

ould he were mine! But the next best thing is that he is yours. Let him come here. I promise you I will do everything possible for his advancement.

I looked at him shrewdly. I understood the way in which his mind worked. It was true that Leicester liked to advance members of his family, for it had always been a policy of his to put what he called is own menin high places.

ut the fact that Rob is my son is enough to make our Vixen chase him out of Court.

don think she will when she sees him. In any case it worth a try.

I laughed. ou seem greatly put out by Raleigh.

e is of little moment,he said abruptly. think young Essex will amuse the Queen.

I shrugged my shoulders. will ask my son to come to me, and then perhaps if your mistress will allow you to leave her for a short time, you can meet him here and assess him.

Robert said he would be delighted to see my son, and I could rest assured that he would do all in his power to bring him forward at Court.

When Robert had gone I continued to think about it. I pictured his presenting my son to the Queen. y stepson, the Earl of Essex, Your Majesty.

Those tawny eyes would be alert. Her son! The She-Wolf cub! What chance would he have? It was true he had been born before I had fallen from favor, before she knew of her darling Robin passion for me. But she would never accept my son.

Of course he was extraordinarily handsome; he had a unique charm; he was the kind of young man the Queen liked to have about herxcept for one thing: he would never flatter her.

It would be amusing to see what effect he had on her. I would do what Leicester wanted and attempt to persuade him to go to Court and see what happened.

How often have I wished that I had the gift of prophecy. If I could but have seen into the future! If I could have glimpsed the anguish to comehen I should never have allowed my darling to go to her.

But her life and mine were linked by some tragic caprice of fate. We were doomed to fix our love on the same objectnd what bitter suffering that was to cause me! And I do not believe that she escaped unscathed.