My Daughter, My Mother (54 page)

‘That’s a shame,’ Alan said.

‘No,’ she said. ‘I’m glad – to see something definitely different.’

‘D’you want to knock on the door?’ he suggested. ‘I’m sure they wouldn’t mind, if you said why you’re here. They might find it interesting, show you round.’

Margaret hesitated. ‘Did you – when you went to Abergavenny?’

‘I did. The old couple had passed away by then, but I did see the son. He just about remembered me.’

Something about the way he said it seemed melancholy to Margaret. She squeezed his arm. Already she felt lighter in herself, with a sense of relief.

‘No, I’ll leave it. It’s nice to come back, but I’ll keep my other memories as they were. It all feels ever so long ago now.’

She walked up to the tree at the front and picked a sprig from its boughs. Its buds were just appearing.

‘A little souvenir,’ she smiled, looking into Alan’s eyes. ‘You know, what matters is now. You – and me.’ She reached up and kissed him, and he held her for a moment. ‘Alan?’ She looked up into his face. ‘Will you do me a favour? Would you call me Maggie?’

She saw a moved expression in his eyes and for a moment he placed his hand, warm on the back of her head.

‘Maggie? Yes, love – it suits you. My Maggie.’

Closing his eyes, he leaned to her and kissed her forehead.

Passing back through other villages, looking for a pub for lunch, suddenly everything was familiar.

‘Hold on, this is the other place where I was! No, don’t turn through the village – just go straight on down there a minute. I think it was down here; we used to walk up to the rectory to have lessons.’

For a second she felt herself tighten inside with fear and loathing at the vile memories that returned as they neared Nora Paige’s cottage. But change aplenty had come here.

‘Oh!’ she exclaimed. ‘It’s gone – completely! Well, I suppose I’m not surprised; it was quite ramshackle then.’

A well-established modern house stood on the site, enclosed by trees and hedges. You could just see into the drive, between the winter branches. A child’s red bicycle was propped against the front of the house.

‘Well, I’m glad that’s gone,’ she said. ‘It’s all right, you can turn round now.’

‘Yes, ma’am,’ Alan said.

Laughing, she touched his hand. ‘Sorry – ordering you about. Shall we go and find some dinner now? I could eat a horse.’

‘Are you glad you came then?’ Alan asked.

They were at a cosy table in a pub, side by side with their drinks, waiting for the hot pies they had ordered. Everything felt exciting, just sitting in a pub, eating lunch. Margaret kept reminding herself that she was fifty years old, not fifteen, but it didn’t seem to make any difference to the way she felt.

‘Oh yes, I am. It was good to see the old place. That’s the funny thing – nothing’s changed much, but it did look a bit smaller than I remembered.’

‘Yes, I remember the Abergavenny house seemed a cramped little place when I went later on. Always clean as a pin though, of course.’

Margaret sipped her drink. ‘I just held onto the memory of it because everything was so bleak and horrible when I got back.’ She put her glass down and turned to Alan. ‘I don’t need to now. Everything’s wonderful.’

‘Thanks, Maggie May,’ he said happily. ‘It certainly is.’

She beamed back at him, but then her face sobered. ‘It’s all right for me. I just hope, in the end, that Fred’s better off without me.’

Alan shook his head. He looked sad for a moment. ‘God, I hope you don’t regret—’

‘No!’ She stopped him, reaching out her hand. ‘I regret hurting him. But I couldn’t have stayed. Not now I’ve met you.’

‘It’s funny . . .’ Alan sat back, releasing her hand. ‘I know I’ll go on running my business – some things will just stay the same. But now I’m with you, all sorts of things feel possible. As if everything’s new.’

‘Yes!’ She felt the same, bubbling over with it. ‘I feel as if I’ve spent the past twenty years asleep. I want to make up for it!’

He looked at her, interested. ‘How?’

‘Oh, I don’t know!’ She laughed, feeling foolish. ‘I don’t know if I really want to do very many things; it’s just so lovely feeling properly awake while I’m doing them. But maybe we could go on holiday! Or I could take a course, like Karen’s doing – and spend more time with Amy. Joanne and Dave could do with the support.’

‘Yes,’ Alan said. ‘They seem all right, though. She’s a brave young woman, that daughter of yours.’

‘I s’pose she is, yes – though I didn’t see it that way at the time. That opened my eyes all right.’

‘My ex, Pat – sorry to mention her – but Dawn, my daughter, says Pat goes along with the little’un to the kiddies’ playgroup, or whatever they call it, to help out. Doesn’t Amy go to one of them? You could go with her?’

‘What – over there? It’s in Handsworth!’

Alan looked blankly at her. ‘It’s only just the other side of town; it’s not the end of the Earth, you know.’

‘No, but it feels like it! I mean, it’s a bit
foreign
over there.’

‘Foreign? Oh, you mean there are blacks! Well, yes. It’s a bit different, but it’s just
kids
, for heaven’s sake! Your own granddaughter. Come on, Margaret, people are people – it all depends how you treat them.’

‘I suppose.’ She felt ashamed, and that he’d shown her up as mean-spirited. ‘Maybe I will then. If it’d help Jo and Dave.’

‘Sounds great,’ he said, sitting up as their meal swept into view. ‘And that’s just the beginning. I expect there are all sorts of things you could do.’

Once the steaming pies were in front of them and the waitress gone, he looked at her again, his eyes full of love.

‘Give us a kiss, Maggie.’

She turned to him, smiling, and reached up, as they kissed, to stroke his cheek.

Sixty-Eight

Joanne and Dave were both amazed when Margaret said she wanted to come to the toddler group. That first time, Dave said he’d drive over and collect her.

‘I won’t be able to, once I’m back at work properly,’ he said. ‘So I might as well. You walk round and we’ll meet you there.’

He was talking more about getting back to work fulltime now. So far it was three days a week, easing back into the swing of things. But he was staying at home on Tuesdays and coming along to the group with her.

At first Joanne had bitten back the comment ‘But Tuesday is the one day I don’t need anyone at home – I’ve got somewhere to go!’

That was completely the wrong thing to say, she realized. It was good for him to come along and get to know some of the same people as her. And it wouldn’t be for long – he was already getting a bit bored with it. That was a good sign! He was recovering, not needing to be chained to her side at all times. He wanted to get back to the world of work and other men. But things had definitely changed. They talked about things more, instead of taking their roles for granted. They were trying to build something new. But Joanne didn’t take anything for granted. We’re together today, she sometimes told herself. And we’ll likely be together tomorrow. That’s all I need to know.

As she pushed Amy up to the Soho Road, she saw a familiar green-clad figure passing in front of the big
gurdwara
pushing a buggy. For a second she thought it was Sooky, before realizing it was actually Meena. They were almost the same size and shape, but of course Sooky’s mom’s face was older and a little more severe. Seeing Meena look across at her, Joanne raised her hand and waved. Meena waved back, checked for traffic and crossed the road.

‘Hello,’ she said amiably. ‘Very cold!’

‘Yes,’ Joanne nodded. She pointed at the sky. ‘Snow, I think.’

She wasn’t sure if Meena knew the word for snow, but she smiled and nodded as if she did and they both hurried to get into the warmth of the church hall. Joanne felt responsible for Meena. She had been the only person Sooky’s mom would recognize at the toddler group, and Sooky had asked her to look out for her when Meena first came, a couple of weeks ago.

‘Mom’s decided to bring Priya to the group,’ she said, sounding surprised. ‘It won’t be very easy for her, but I’m really happy she’s coming – Priya will be too.’

‘She’ll be all right, we’ll look after her,’ Joanne had said. And of course Tess was kindness itself.

In fact Joanne had been to the Baidwans’ house a couple of days ago. Sooky had told her that she had met the man whom she might marry. Joanne had been shocked when Sooky said she was going to see another prospective husband, but when Sooky explained her reasons, it made more sense.

‘Anyway, it doesn’t mean I have to say yes,’ she said. ‘But I’m going to meet him.’ She looked reflective. ‘You know, the amazing thing is, Mom said to me the other day – when we were on our own – “You don’t
have
to get married, you know. I don’t want to force you.” ’

‘Did she? What did you say?’

Sooky turned to her, and Joanne saw that she was moved. ‘Well, I said, “No, I know. But in a way, I do have to some time, don’t I? Maybe not this one, but sometime.” ’

Joanne had been very curious to know how it went. She found Sooky in an optimistic mood.

‘Well,’ Joanne began as they settled down with the children, ‘what’s he like?’

‘What’s who like?’ Sooky teased.

‘Oh, don’t be daft!’

‘Oh – Arun! We-e-ll . . . I think he’s okay. On first meeting. I mean, I did actually quite like him, as a person. He’s rather handsome actually, and the children seem okay too: quite sweet. He works in insurance, but he said he thought it was really boring – he made fun of himself – and he really likes cinema and books and stuff . . .’

‘Hey, you do actually like him!’

She was sure she saw Sooky blush. ‘Well, as I say, he seems okay.’

‘You haven’t said yes already, have you?’

‘No – we’re going to meet up again, take it slowly. I probably will, though; he’s really okay about me doing my degree . . .’

‘But, Sooky,
marriage!
You can do your degree anyway.’

‘Yeah, but you know. I kind of have to get married sometime.’

‘At least you’ll be here and not dragged off to Derby or Bradford or somewhere. I’d really miss you.’

‘Yeah,’ she smiled. ‘I’d miss you too. Anyway, I’ll probably go for it.’ With cool pragmatism she added, ‘I’ll give it five years.’

Joanne grinned to herself, thinking about this. Sooky made her laugh. She certainly wasn’t marrying with overblown expectations.

Dave came into the hall with Margaret after the toddler group had got going, and Joanne introduced her mother to Tess. Joanne saw Tess putting her mother at ease. She stood back and let Dave and Margaret do most of the looking-after of Amy. It was nice to have a break, and they would have felt awkward without something to do.

Watching Dave for a moment, she saw him bend over, by the painting table, which was still Amy’s obsession. Priya immediately came up as well, with Meena following shyly behind. Joanne smiled, seeing Dave and Margaret helping first Amy, then Priya on with their painting overalls. She watched him gratefully. He was still seeing the counsellor, was really trying. No guarantees – she still had that caution in her mind – but she had reasons to hope.

‘Nice to see your mother here.’ Tess had come up beside her. Her baby was asleep in the pram for the moment.

‘Yes, she’s getting out and about a lot more these days,’ Joanne said. She was proud to see how nice Mom was looking in her neat trousers and a soft blue jumper.

‘And your husband’s looking much better.’

‘Yes.’ Joanne smiled. ‘He is, thanks.’

Tess asked after Sooky, and then added, ‘It’s great that her mother’s here, isn’t it? She seems a lovely lady.’

‘She is. Come to think of it, I ought to go and introduce her to my mom.’

They were all still by the painting table. Margaret and Dave were busying themselves with Amy; Meena stood near Priya with her arms folded, looking uncertain.

‘Mom,’ Joanne caught her attention. ‘Come and meet my mate’s mom, will you?’ She steered Margaret towards Meena. ‘This is my best mate Sooky’s mother. Her name’s Meena.’

Joanne felt her mother hesitate for a second.

‘She doesn’t speak very good English, so it’s a bit hard for her.’ And to Meena she said, ‘This is my mother.’

Meena was smiling, pleased to be spoken to, and held out her hand. ‘Hello. My name is Meena.’

Joanne saw her mother take in what a nice person Meena looked. Shyly she shook Meena’s hand and smiled back.

‘I’m Margaret.’ She added, ‘Maggie. You can call me Maggie.’

They were all getting used to the idea that she now actually wanted to be called Maggie. She had explained to Joanne why.

‘Maggie,’ Meena repeated.

There was an awkward pause, but then Meena sat down on one of the baby chairs near the painting table and indicated in a friendly way that Margaret should sit beside her. Margaret shot a panicky look at Joanne, but didn’t like to refuse. In any case, they found quite a bit to keep them occupied, watching Amy and Priya, enjoying their antics with the paints, without having to talk much. The girls saw them sitting together and broke off from their painting to run back and forth to them, making them laugh as they tried to avoid getting covered in paint.

Joanne sat beside Dave, watching first the grandchildren laughing, then the grandmothers. She just wished Sooky could be there too.

‘It doesn’t look as if we’re needed for the moment, does it?’ Dave said.

Joanne shook her head. ‘Let’s make the most of it!’

Dave reached over and took her hand, squeezing it. She turned to look into his eyes and they both smiled. She squeezed his hand back.

Margaret didn’t like to say too much to Meena, because she didn’t know what she would understand. Now that the ice was broken, she could see that Meena was a nice lady and they smiled and nodded and found ways to communicate, discovering that they were enjoying themselves and were both very pleased when they could understand each other.

‘I am learning English,’ Meena announced proudly as they sat together.

‘Ah,’ Margaret enthused. ‘Good. That’s good. Difficult!’

‘Yes.’ Meena nodded. ‘Difficult!’ They both laughed at this.