My Daughter, My Mother (17 page)

Meena closed her eyes. As usual, any thought of her daughter filled her with rushing emotions, like two waves surging towards each other in opposing directions and colliding, causing her nothing but turmoil.

Twenty

Joanne pushed Amy’s buggy into the church hall and looked round, surprised. It was already twenty past ten, no toys had been put out and the hall seemed deserted.

Tess appeared out of the kitchen in a pea-green vest and a green-and-blue patterned skirt. Even in the week that had passed she seemed to have grown much more heavily pregnant. Her frizzy hair was pulled into a high ponytail and she was fanning herself with a cardboard plate.

‘Oh, hi!’ she smiled in her usual warm way, but Joanne could sense her weariness. ‘Well, today’s the day. I’d planned to take us all off down to the park at some point, and it’s so lovely out there . . .’

‘Oh, right,’ Joanne said. ‘Amy, we’re going to the park with your friends. That’ll be nice, won’t it?’

She knew Amy had been longing for the painting table. Her face was beginning to crumple.

‘It’ll be fun – and I expect Priya’s coming.’

Tess squatted down, knees splayed round her bump. ‘Hello, Amy. We’re going to take some games outside, and have some races. Can you run fast?’

Amy loved Tess. She nodded, sucking on one of her fingers.

‘Where’s your lad?’ Joanne looked round.

‘Actually I left him with my mother today. I just felt a bit grim this morning, and running this is so much easier if it’s just me – at least at the moment!’ She stood up with an effort. ‘Oof,’ she said. ‘Lucky I do yoga!’ There was a sheen of perspiration on her forehead.

‘It must be really hard, doing all this,’ Joanne said. ‘When’re you due?’

‘Early August – about four more weeks. We’ve only got two more weeks in here anyway – we pack up over the summer.’

‘Oh, I see.’ Joanne felt her heart sink. Of course they would, but she hadn’t thought about it. The toddler group felt like her lifeline.

The others started arriving, and Tess went off to greet them. Joanne hoped Sooky would be on time, though Tess said that she would leave a note on the door to tell anyone who arrived late where they had gone. In a few moments a wave of happiness passed through Joanne as she saw Sooky push Priya through the door. She was wearing pink today, Asian clothes, with a black cardigan over the top. As soon as she saw Joanne she waved and hurried over.

‘Hello!’ Her face was all smiles. Joanne thought how pretty she was. ‘Hello, Amy. I got here on time for once! I hear we’re going on an outing?’

The little girls were bouncing with pleasure in their buggies.

‘I’m glad you got here. Yes, Tess has got it all organized. I think we’ll all have to help her carry stuff, though.’

Soon they all set off, with various bags from Tess stashed under their buggies. The green of Handsworth Park opened out in front of them, the flowerbeds bright with colours, and Joanne felt her spirits lift.

‘We’ll go and let them feed the ducks first,’ Tess passed back the message. ‘Then we’ll spread out and do some games.’

Tess, ever prepared, had brought a couple of cheap loaves of bread, and soon all the children who were old enough were on the bank, hurling bits of the white pap at the ducks and Canada geese. Then they moved on to the flattest piece of grass they could find, as the park had a lot of slopes. Tess was announcing that the children should get into a line as they were going to do an egg-and-spoon race.

‘Blimey, she’s even brought real eggs,’ Joanne laughed. ‘There’s going to be scrambled egg all over the park after this!’

‘I think she hard-boiled them,’ Sooky said. ‘She’s amazing. Our girls are too young for that, though.’

The children old enough to take part were just getting lined up when a voice called out, ‘Hold on: one more!’

Kieran, the dad who sometimes came, was trotting towards them with the baby strapped to him in a sling and his little boy holding his hand. ‘Go on, Billy – look. Get a spoon . . .’

Billy was very eager to join in and balanced his egg earnestly.

‘Hi,’ Kieran said, appearing beside Joanne and Sooky. ‘I’m glad I made it. I went to the hall first – didn’t realize you were all coming out here.’

‘He seems happy enough,’ Joanne said, looking at Charlie, the baby, who was fast asleep against his father’s chest.

‘Oh yes,’ Kieran said, grinning. He had widely spaced teeth and this had a cheerful effect. ‘He loves it in here.’

Tess produced a couple of balls and the children took turns to kick them between goalposts made from their mother’s jumpers. Amy and Priya were quite happy playing together in their own little world. After a few more games they all sat down for squash and biscuits, which Joanne had carried along on her buggy. They all sat, half in shade, half in sun.

‘Ah, this is the life,’ Kieran said, stretching out his legs, but still rocking gently to keep Charlie asleep.

‘How’s your wife?’ Sooky said carefully.

‘Well, some good days, some bad, you know. She’s called Gerri by the way. Geraldine.’

‘D’you think she’s getting better?’ Joanne asked. It made her think of her mom. You never quite knew how you’d find her.

Kieran’s face was solemn, and for a moment the strain of it all showed through.

‘God, I hope so. The hospital are talking about ECT . . .’

‘What’s that?’ Joanne asked.

‘Electroconvulsive therapy,’ Kieran said. ‘They sort of pass electricity through your head – it’s supposed to help depression.’

‘Whoa!’ Sooky said. Her face was full of sympathy. ‘That’s a big thing.’

‘Yeah,’ Kieran shrugged. Joanne realized how haggard he looked when he wasn’t putting on a cheerful face. ‘I’m praying they don’t do it. But you just wonder if you’re ever again going to see the person you knew. It’s like watching someone get lost – as if she can’t find herself.’ He looked over at Billy, who was sitting beside one of the other boys. ‘Or us.’

‘How’s he dealing with it?’ Joanne asked. She could see that Kieran was relieved to have someone to talk to.

‘Well, we go and see her sometimes. It upsets her a lot. I mean, this one’s so young – she wanted to breastfeed him, but I’ve had to give him a bottle . . . I think Billy understands that Mummy isn’t very well. But in the end he’s only just four. It’s very tough on him.’

‘It’s tough on all of you,’ Sooky said.

Kieran gave a wonky smile. ‘Yeah, you could say that.’

‘I think you’re very brave,’ Joanne said.

He chuckled. ‘No – not brave. You just have to keep on keeping on. Anyway, enough of all this. Let’s talk about something else. And I need to give this one a bottle soon. And check whether Billy needs to pee . . .’

Kieran got up and went over to his son.

‘Poor bloke,’ Joanne said.

‘Yeah.’ Sooky was watching him. Joanne saw that her own expression was very sombre. Now that Kieran had moved away, Joanne realized her friend had something on her mind.

‘Is everything okay?’ she said. ‘I mean, I hope you don’t mind me asking?’ She liked the way Sooky had spoken to Kieran so directly. ‘Is your mom speaking to you again yet?’

Sooky turned to her, shaking her head. ‘No, not really. I mean, she says things through Dad, or whoever else . . .’

‘That’s terrible – I mean having to live with that. Mind you, my mom’s not the easiest of people . . .’ Seeing the pain in Sooky’s eyes, she stopped. ‘What’s up?’

‘Oh, it’s just that they want me to see someone. He’s coming on Friday.’

‘You mean a man?’

‘Yes, someone who’s come over from India. He’s got relatives in Leicester.’ She was looking down, her slim fingers plucking at the grass almost as if she was ashamed.

‘But surely you can’t even be divorced yet?’

‘I’m not. But, you know, he’s the same age as me, and all the other things . . .’

‘What other things?’

‘He’s a Jat: that’s our group, our caste . . . He wants to come and live here.’ Sooky’s picking at the grass became more forceful. ‘I think the idea is that it will take time for me to get a divorce. I’d go to India and marry him, you see, and then he can apply to come to the UK as my husband.’

Joanne was filled with a sense of panic on Sooky’s behalf. ‘But what if you don’t like him? Are you just getting married for your mom?’

‘I probably won’t like him,’ Sooky said. ‘He’s grown up on a farm in India, he doesn’t speak English, he’s never lived in a city. It’s like someone coming from Jupiter and asking me to marry him.’

‘I thought that’s what you wanted?’ Joanne joked. ‘Someone off the
Starship Enterprise
.’

That set them both off laughing.

‘He might have green ears,’ Sooky said.

‘Or one big eye in the middle of his forehead!’

‘The thing is,’ she managed to say, still laughing, ‘I’m supposed to be grateful for anyone wanting to marry me – I’m soiled goods. And he wants a visa!’

‘Oh God,’ Joanne groaned. ‘But surely you can say no?’

‘Yes, I can say no.’ The laughter had faded from Sooky’s eyes now. ‘I want to apply to college. But how many more times is it going to take? Do I have to get married just to get my mom to speak to me again?’

As they cleared up, packing away the snacks and toys, Joanne felt suddenly that she could not bear to go home to her empty house. She wanted more company. Going up to Sooky and Kieran, she said, ‘Look, I wondered if you’d both like to come back to mine. I live quite near the church – I could make a bit of dinner for the kids and they could carry on playing . . .’

She saw them both hesitate.

‘Thing is,’ Kieran said, ‘I’d like that a lot, but I’m going to have to get home. I haven’t got enough formula, and I’ll have to put Charlie down.’

‘Oh yes, sorry.’ Joanne felt herself blush. ‘Silly of me. Maybe another time?’

‘No, I know what – you could come to ours. I’m really near: in Holly Road. I’ve got bread and fish fingers and stuff . . . and I could find something for us as well. Would that do?’

Joanne and Sooky looked at each other. Neither of them especially wanted to go home.

‘Well, that’s nice, if you’re sure,’ Sooky said.

‘Course – it’d be great. I can get the paddling pool out.’ Kieran was beaming and Joanne ended up feeling that she had done him a favour.

They all mucked in. Kieran took them to his home, a cosy terrace with comfy sofas, bookshelves, prints of modern painters on the wall and bright Mexican rugs covering the floorboards. While Kieran fed and changed Charlie before putting him in his cot, he instructed Joanne and Sooky where to find everything to make food for Billy, Amy and Priya. Billy was a friendly little boy and showed the girls outside. Sooky went out with them, while Joanne grilled fish fingers and made bread and butter and slices of cucumber. She smiled at Billy’s paintings, which were stuck to the fridge with magnets. As they came through the back room she had seen a gallery of photographs along one wall of Kieran and Gerri and Billy. Gerri had wide blue eyes and thick blonde hair, cut neatly at collar length, and a wide smile. The sight of her happy face seemed heartbreaking.

‘There – back to sleep,’ Kieran said, coming down again. ‘He’s a wonderful baby, thank goodness.’

‘You’re very good with him,’ Joanne said. ‘Right, food’s ready for them.’

They supervised the children eating, while Kieran put some tepid water into a little inflatable paddling pool, then they sat and had their own sandwiches, watching the children splash and scream. Sunlight reflected off the water. Joanne felt herself relax and enjoy the day. She realized with a shock that she hadn’t felt so at ease in weeks. The children were having a great time, and it was so nice to have other people to pass the time with.

They all found out a bit about each other. Sooky didn’t mention the man coming on Friday. She said she was thinking of applying for a part-time degree in sociology at the Poly.

‘Great!’ Kieran said. ‘That sounds really interesting.’

‘I’d like to train as a social worker,’ she said. ‘Maybe one day, anyway.’

‘What about you, Joanne?’ Kieran asked. His freckly face was full of genuine interest.

‘Oh, I never even finished my A-levels,’ she said, with a pang. What a fool she’d been: it would only have been another year. No time at all!

‘Well, you could, couldn’t you? You can do them at evening classes and stuff now.’

‘I suppose so – yes, I might.’ Until then it had barely crossed her mind. She felt a flicker of excitement, of possibility opening up.

Kieran told them a bit about his teaching job. ‘I s’pose I’ve always liked kids. I like their inner world and the way they think. And you can be the first person to teach a child to write their own name: that’s pretty amazing. It’s exhausting, but I can’t imagine doing anything else. They’ve given me the last few weeks of term off – compassionate leave. Hopefully I’ll be able to go back next term. We’ll have to see.’

The sadness descended again for a moment. Joanne saw that he was relieved to have them there. Three people, all with reasons not to go home and be alone, she thought.

A moment later, Kieran cracked a joke and they were all laughing again.

Twenty-One

All afternoon the house was full of the smell of fried snacks, spicy and mouth-watering.

Sooky kept out of the kitchen. She had twice asked Mom if she wanted any help preparing for the visitors, only to be met by the usual blank silence. When she last peered through the door, Meena was standing at the cooker despatching a batch of spinach
pakoras
into the seething pan of oil, her back ramrod-straight, elbows sticking out. Sooky crept away again and stayed in her room with Priya.

Harpreet came home from school and went into the kitchen for something to eat, only to be chased swiftly out again. She’d managed to salvage a bag of crisps on the way and crept up to find Sooky, who was on her bed, doing a puzzle with Priya.

‘What time are they coming?’

Priya bounced up and down with pleasure at the sight of her auntie.

‘Six-thirty, I think,’ Sooky said.

Harpreet frowned. Through a mouthful of cheese and onion she said, ‘Will Dad be back by then?’