Murder at the Art & Craft Fair (16 page)

Chapter
Twenty-Eight

As we sat there whiling the time away, I wondered what
would happen if someone stumbled upon us and opened the outhouse door and saw
two men sitting with their pants pulled all the way up. I wondered who would be
the most surprised. Would our antagonist be surprised enough that he would drop
his chainsaw? If so, would Lou and I have time to rush him before he could
retrieve it? I wondered if I was losing my mind. I figured sitting in a strange
outhouse on a dark and stormy night could do that to a person. Especially a
person who was already well on his way to insanity.

I pushed a button on my watch, looked at the time. If
we hadn’t encountered a nail-driving delinquent, Jennifer and I would have been
one hour into our date. As it was, I hadn’t experienced even one kiss, and had
no prospects of that happening anytime soon. I wasn’t interested in that happening,
not when I considered Lou was the only person around to kiss me. I wondered how
long Jennifer would wait before she called the department to report us missing.
We were due at 7:00. Would 7:01 be too optimistic? She knew we were working on
a murder case and that we had gone somewhere out in the country. Of course she
had no idea where we went. Only George knew that, and I couldn’t picture her
calling George to see why we were late. Besides, I was sure she didn’t have his
number.

I felt she would wait at least until 9:00. Did that
mean that the cavalry would arrive by 9:30? I could only hope.

My stomach broke the silence. It reminded me that I
hadn’t eaten in a while. I thought about sending Lou out in the rain with the
flashlight, hoping he could clobber a groundhog or a raccoon. But then that
didn’t sound too appetizing. It sounded even worse when I realized that we
didn’t have any matches. Of course, we were close to the water. Still, I
doubted if Lou could catch a fish with his hands, and since he was never a Boy
Scout, I didn’t expect him to be able to fashion a fishing pole out of a tree
limb and nothing else. Even if he was able to catch something other than a
cold, I don’t like sushi, and since we still didn’t have any matches, it looked
like sushi was our best bet.

I remembered back to the days when I carried Hershey
Almond bars with me everywhere I went. If I still had them, and rationed them,
they might have been able to keep me rational until we were rescued. And then I
remembered that I can’t remember back to the last time I thought rationally.

I stuck my hand in one pocket and then another, hoping
to find a crumb of something or other. I’m not sure if I decided to split with
Lou before or after I found out I was crumbless. As I sat there thinking
irrationally, I wondered if Lightning had been stocked with goodies at that
moment if I would have sent Lou out into the downpour to break a window and
rescue some junk food.

I continued to sit there. Every now and then a
raindrop made its way in through one of the cracks and hit me in the eye. That
was okay. My one square inch of dry underwear was still safe. And I was free of
mud, except for one sock, looking nothing like I was ready to pick up my date.

I remained as motionless as possible, hair plastered
to my head, clothes plastered to my body. Evidently Lou hadn’t come up with any
ideas, either. More than likely he was dreaming of Thelma Lou, hoping that one
day they could be reunited. My thoughts turned to Jennifer. I looked at my
watch again. It was 9:27. Surely she had alerted the department by now that we
were missing. They had probably sent a car by my house to make sure I wasn’t
there. It wouldn’t be much longer until Lou and I were rescued.

Wishful thinking. I must have fallen asleep because the
next time I looked at my watch it was after midnight. It was still pouring rain
outside. I listened, but heard no one building an ark. Not even the delinquent
was pounding nails at that hour. Being a man who had entered middle age, I
realized that I had to go. At least I wouldn’t have to get up and go out into
the rain to use the facilities. I stood up, turned around. I turned on the
flashlight to make sure I was aiming in the right direction. I wanted to be
able to sit down again after I finished. I glanced over at Lou, asleep,
probably dreaming of you know who. In a matter of seconds, he stirred from his
dream.

“Cy, what’s that noise?”

“Go back to sleep, Lou.”

“But what’s that noise?”

“If you need to know, Lou, I had to go. Okay?”

He laughed.

“Make sure you keep that flashlight off.”

“Are you sure? I aim better if I have it on.”

“Okay. I’ll close my eyes.”

I was pleased that when I sat back down that the seat
didn’t seem any wetter. Actually, my clothes seemed to have dried a little bit.
But only a little bit.

Evidently, I was able to get back to sleep. No one
knocked on the door asking to use the facilities. If so, they didn’t wake me. I
thought about opening the door to see if anyone was lying on the ground,
fainted. I decided not to. I had no idea if Lou had had to go. If so, I was
able to sleep through it. It was after 2:00 when Lou shook me and woke me.

“Cy, did you hear that?”

“Lou, I didn’t go again.”

“I know, Cy, but did you hear that?”

“Don’t try to scare me, Lou. Jason’s still at Camp
Crystal Lake.”

“No, Cy, it sounded like a siren.”

“You must have been dreaming. Go back to sleep.
Besides. It was probably just the pouring rain.”

I could tell that Lou was staying awake, hoping to
hear his siren again.

I didn’t realize how well a body can sleep in an
outhouse. When I woke the next time, it was light out, and the rain appeared to
have stopped. I got up and stretched, and my movement must have awakened Lou.

“What time is it, Cy?”

“8:23, and it seems like the rain has stopped. Want to
check it out?”

“Sure, why not? You coming too?”

I nodded and stepped out first so he could get up and
out more easily. I stood there in the high scruffy grass. There was no sun
shining brightly on my old Kentucky home, but at least the rain had stopped. I
wanted to walk back out to the road, but I noticed that someone had removed the
boards that allowed us to walk without sinking down into the mud. It didn’t
matter. I didn’t look much like going on a date, anyway.

And then it hit me. Didn’t Jennifer even report us
missing? And if she did, didn’t the department take her seriously? Gingerly, I
shuffled toward the road, taking care to see that I didn’t step out of either
shoe or fall down in the mud. A couple of minutes later, I reached the road,
turned, and I felt the pain my face must have been showing.

“What’s the matter, Cy? Just now realize where we
are?”

“What do you see, Lou?”

“Nothing, Cy. Just like last night.”

“Not exactly like last night, Lou. There’s no
Lightning.”

I waited for him to say there was no rain, either, but
his brain seemed to work better in the morning.

“Do you think it was the boy or his old man?”

“Surely that boy couldn’t have stolen your car. I
didn’t hear any broken glass. Did you?”

I hadn’t heard anything either, but somehow someone
had taken my car.

I rushed up to where I thought we left Lightning,
wondering if whoever took it left a ransom note. My not working properly brain
began to hope that Lightning would reappear as soon as we arrived, like she hid
out among the trees during the rainstorm, and continued to hide from car
thieves. Maybe if I whistled she would come.

Lou found a clue before I did.

“Look, Cy! Someone left you a note.”

It couldn’t have been the sun, but something had
affected his brain. He saw my unbelieving look.

“No, really! See!”

I hurried to catch up with Lou, looked down at the
crumbling asphalt. There, taped to the pavement, lay an envelope, with the name
“Cy” written on the front.

“Hey, Cy. How do the kidnappers know your name? Do you
think it’s a ransom note?”

Sometimes Lou’s brain works better in the morning, but
it doesn’t last long. That time had already expired. I quickly dismissed the
fact that Lou and I had had some of the same irrational thoughts.

I leaned over, thankful that I did not fall flat on my
face. I found a loose corner of the envelope, and tugged. At least the envelope
pealed off the asphalt easily. I ripped open the envelope, pulled out the note
inside.

Cy,

Dan and I stopped by
the station after our date last night and found out that Jennifer had called
and you and Lou were missing. We went home and called again around midnight,
just before Dan was to leave, to see if you had reported in. When we found out
that they still had no word from you, I called some of your friends to help
form a search party. One of those friends was George, who told us where you had
gone.

Dan and I arrived here
around 2:00 and saw your car. Since it was locked and the keys were inside, we
figured it had broken down, and you had hitched a ride to town with someone,
and had left the car for the towing company. I turned on the siren for a few
seconds, just in case you were stranded and were somewhere in the trees and out
of the rain. When the siren didn’t cause you to come running, I called, found
out that you hadn’t called a tow truck yet, and had one come out to tow your
car. Just in case you are still out here somewhere, Dan and I will come back at
8:00 to pick you up. Wherever you are, I hope you are safe and dry.

Love,

Heather

I put the note in my pocket.

“What was it, Cy?”

“It was from Publisher’s Clearinghouse. It says I may
already be a winner, but I have to claim the prize by noon today. Could you
call me a cab?”

“You’re a cab, Cy. Now, what does it say?”

I wasn’t about to tell Lou that he had indeed heard a
siren in the middle of the night, nor that we missed two rides back to town.

“It said my car has been towed to town.”

“Any ideas how we are going to get back to town to
meet up with Lightning?”

“Let’s pretend like we’re Wiiing. Put one foot in
front of the other and walk until we see someone.”

I was starved and wasn’t sure if I had enough strength
to make it very far. The look on Lou’s face told me that he didn’t think that
was the best idea I’d ever come up with. I knew it wasn’t the worst idea I’d
come up with in the last twenty-four hours. I thought about believing Lou the
next time he says he hears something, and then realized that that could be
scary, too. I tried to think positive. The only positive thoughts I could
muster were that the rain had stopped, and neither my next-door neighbor nor
Vernon Pitts was within sight. I wasn’t about to share that with Lou, or
complain about our ordeal. Just as soon as I did, Lou would comment that it
couldn’t get any worse, and then it would. I wasn’t curious enough to think about
it. Hail, brimstone? Instead, I was going to focus on my yellow brick road
ahead of me. I wondered how far it was to Oz, and if the Wizard would be there
when or if I arrived.

Chapter
Twenty-Nine

A little after 10:00, we had made it past the house that
was still one termite short of falling, and the burned trailer, and, one slow
step for mankind at a time, we were closing in on the house that still didn’t
look all that habitable, but a little more so than our accommodations of the
previous night. It was then that I felt that the strenuous exercise and lack of
food had gotten the best of me. A mirage appeared on the horizon, or somewhere
on the road in front of us. To show you how badly my brain was muddled at that
point, the mirage resembled Lou’s Chevy, and it came with sound effects that
had nothing to do with banjos. Someone was honking the horn. A minute or so
later, the mirage began to look even better.  There were two people inside who
looked like Jennifer and Thelma Lou. Just before running over us, Thelma Lou
stopped blowing the horn, hit the brake, and jumped out. Jennifer jumped out,
too. At the same time, Lou and I screamed for them not to shut the doors. I’m
sure if the movie version will have Jennifer and me running in slow motion as a
musical score plays, but the slow motion on my part had to do with my travails
of the last sixteen hours. Jennifer, on the other hand, covered most of the
twenty feet separating us, and we lunged for each other and embraced without
either one of us knocking the other one over, which on my part was a remarkable
achievement.

“I was so worried about you,” she exclaimed as she
wrapped her arms around me. Then, she dispensed with the conversation and she
pressed her lips to mine. She seemed not to notice my disheveled appearance and
didn’t turn her nose up at how bad I smelled. I, on the other hand, did notice
that she looked like she had had very little sleep. She must have stayed up
worrying about me. I was missed.

The two of us, hugged, kissed, and jumped up and down
like two children who hadn’t seen each other in years. Okay, she did most of
the jumping, although with her help and her arms wrapped around me, I was able
to elevate onto my tiptoes at least a couple of times. She asked me what
happened. We were far enough from Lou that I shared the whole story of our less
than enchanted evening. I didn’t count how many times she said, “You poor
thing.” I figured she must love me. No one who wasn’t in love would hug someone
who smelled as bad as I did that many times. After several minutes of seeing
stars, hearts, and Cupid, it hit us that we could leave. Besides, I was tired
and needed a shower. So did Lou. I glanced over at him. From what I could tell
Thelma Lou was as glad to see him as Jennifer was to see me. Sometimes love is
blind. Sometimes it loses its sense of smell, too.

+++

The girls decided that Lou was in no shape to drive,
even though he hadn’t been drinking, so Thelma Lou drove, and Jennifer called
the department to let everyone know that Lou and I had been found, and where
they found us. Luckily, she spared them all the details. Neither Lou nor I
wanted to take the girls on a tour of all of our haunts from the previous day
and night, so Thelma Lou whipped through the tall grass on the scruffy side of the
road and turned the car around and headed for Hilldale.

We were halfway back to town when we spotted our first
vehicle, setting at the side of the road with its lights flashing. Actually,
there wasn’t enough room for a vehicle on the side of the road. The cruiser was
actually in the lane we were in. Thelma Lou had just enough room to pull up
beside the vehicle and the couple in the other car motioned for Lou to roll
down the passenger side window. Heather was driving. Dan was riding shotgun.
They informed us that they were our safe passage back to town. Evidently, we
needed more safe passage because a few seconds later George came barreling over
the hill. He stopped in time to avoid a head-on collision, waited for Heather
to pull ahead so we could follow, then made a U-turn and pulled up behind us.

Lou said we were starved, hadn’t eaten since lunch the
day before, and that we needed to stop at McDonald’s on the way back to town.
Jennifer got out to relay the message to Heather. Heather said that was fine, but
that they were giving us an escort back to the police station. I cringed in the
back seat. There would be questions. I didn’t want questions. With questions
come answers. With answers, embarrassment.

We arrived at McDonald’s. As Heather pulled into the drive-thru
ahead of us, she dispensed of the flashing lights, and pulled up to order. She
ordered something for Dan and herself, then pulled up and waited for us, and
for George, bringing up the rear.

As soon as we pulled back out onto the street, Heather
set the lights to flashing again, and I turned around to see George do the
same. I wondered how many Hilldale residents would wonder who the head of state
in the 1957 Chevy was.

Heather drove slowly enough that I was able to finish
my early lunch just before we pulled up in front of headquarters. At least
that’s what they called it when I came on the force, and I still call it that
today. Evidently, someone in one of the other cars alerted those inside,
because people started pouring out of the building, cheering, and throwing
confetti. Okay, maybe there was no confetti, but that was probably because
confetti is so hard to get on such short notice.

Reluctantly, I got out of the car. George commented on
how nice we looked. I halfway expected him to pull out a can of air freshener
or deodorant and start spraying. More than likely the fact that we were
outdoors saved us. I tried to stand where no one was downwind. Actually, I
would have preferred that no one was upwind, either.

Some of our friends shared about how worried they were
for us when they heard that Lightning had been found riddled with nails, and
the two of us were AWOL.

Heather hugged Lou and me. I think she hugged me a
little longer. I wondered if Jennifer was getting jealous. I must admit I
enjoyed the hug, but not the questions that followed.

“Where were you guys?” Heather asked.

It was at that point that Jennifer almost became an
ex-girlfriend, as she turned into the spokesperson for the lost duo.

“They were holed up overnight in an outhouse.”

I tried to slink down and crawl away, but we were
packed so tightly that slinking was impossible. Immediately, I knew that it
would be months before anyone would approach us without sniffing. I quickly
pointed out that it was an outhouse that hadn’t been used in years. That didn’t
seem to help. If Jennifer’s declaration wasn’t bad enough, the other pin-up on
my wall followed that up with something equally incriminating.

“Where was this outhouse?”

I wasn’t quick enough. Lou bellowed it out before I
could stop him. I cringed. I knew what was coming next.

“So, you’re saying that it was near where we found
your car?”

Before I could imply that it was at least a couple of
miles from there, Lou belted out a, “That’s right.”

“So, why didn’t you come out when I sounded the siren
when we got there around 2:00?”

Again, I tried to sneak through the crowd, away from
Lou. A smelly hand grabbed my shirt by the collar. An odorous armpit hovered
nearby. Once he had me where I couldn’t get away, he slithered up next to me.

“So, it was all a dream,” he whispered in my ear.

“She should have sounded it a second time. Everyone
knows it takes the first noise to wake you, and the second one to alert you as
to what is going on. Besides, I thought you had the first watch.”

Lou let my watch comment pass, but he let me know that
I was the one that pushed the door lock when we both got out of Lightning to
fix the second flat. Not only did he let me know, he let me know a little too
loudly. George overheard him.

“So, why didn’t you two call a cop? Or Pop-A-Lock? Oh,
that’s right. Your phone is at home.”

Sometimes nightmares last into the next day. This was
one of those times. The ribbing continued until I informed the group that Lou
and I needed to go home and clean up, and then pursue a murderer. Everyone
quickly agreed that we definitely needed to clean up. George recommended an
industrial-strength car wash, with lots of chemicals and big brushes.

+++

Jennifer called and found out Lightning was ready.
Thelma Lou dropped me off at the garage, and I headed in one direction, while
Lou took the girls home before heading back to his apartment so that he could
look and smell a little better. There wasn’t a lot of hope for Lou, but at
least a shower would make him easier to tolerate when he went back out in
public. The two of us got our heads together briefly before the three of them
took off. We agreed that both of us needed to go home and clean up. We also
agreed that we needed a little time to sit and spend time with God, trying to
get back on his good side. We even decided that we could skip Wiiing for one
day. Lou told me that when I finished all of that to give him a call and we
would talk about how to proceed on the case. I thought about shooting each of
our suspects in the leg until one of them confessed. Lou thought that was a
little harsh, but that I might consider pistol whipping them. He also told me I
could do whatever I wanted to the delinquent who drove nails in Lightning’s
tires. I was all for that, but the delinquent would have to come to me. There
was no way I wanted to make another trip out that road. If Lou told me that
that day’s clue was “another nightmare,” I planned to retire for good. A
middle-aged man can only stand so many nightmares in a row. Even one nightmare
in a row is a little much.