Mulberry and Peach (30 page)

Tan-hung and I left together. She went to Wall Street to see her husband. I went to explore Wall Street. We took the bus.

‘He killed A-king,' Tan-hung said suddenly.

‘Who?' I asked.

‘Jerry.'

‘How do you know?'

‘He's jealous. But he's so cold he won't even show jealousy. But I know he did something to A-king. Jerry is just the opposite of Lu, my first husband. Lu was very loving and sensitive when he was young. When the Communists took over he came to America. I followed him from the mainland to America.' Tan-hung smiled wanly. ‘We were married. When the Communists took over the mainland, he panicked. His source of income was cut off. He didn't work and didn't study hard, just loafed around; he wanted to organise some kind of a third power. After I got my Master's, I found work in New York. He refused to come to New York; he didn't want me to support him. We were separated more than a year. When I saw him again, his features had completely changed; his face distorted by bitterness. He cursed the world, cursed the times, cursed the Communists, cursed the Nationalists, cursed everybody. Of course he also cursed me. He suspected that I'd slept with every man—my boss, my colleagues, even the doorman! He threatened that he'd destroy me. I almost lost my life. After that I've been afraid of men who get emotional. I married Jerry only because he was so cold. He's a second-generation overseas Chinese, you know. He seems to have transcended problems of the Chinese. The first time we met was at La Guardia Airport. I was sitting in the boarding lounge waiting for a plane. He walked over and asked
me if I wasn't Chinese. He pulled a pile of drafts out of his bag. He said they were articles his father had written. Because they were in Chinese, he didn't understand them. Before, he had opposed his father because he was too stubborn, too arbitrary, conservative. He couldn't stand it. But after his father died, he then discovered he himself had his father's character. He suddenly wanted to know what his father was like; he had been looking everywhere for someone to translate his father's articles into English; he could get to know his father from his writings. He hoped I could help. That was the only time in all these years I ever saw him get emotional. That's how we met and got married.' Tan-hung paused: ‘I hadn't been able to decide about raising the child. Now, I've made a decision.'

I looked at her.

‘I've decided I don't want the child.'

‘I never thought to give the child to anyone.'

She looked at me strangely. ‘I've decided to leave Jerry.'

‘Because of A-king?'

‘No. A-king's death only helped me decide. Jerry and I have always had problems. Right now I'm going to Wall Street to meet him for lunch and talk about it.'

The bus stopped at Wall Street.

 

 

I tell Teng I have decided not to get an abortion. He says I should be completely free to make my own decision. No matter what I decide, he'll support it.

We talk about Tan-hung and her husband's separation. We decide
not to tell her about killing the dog. That incident helped Tan-hung make a courageous decision. He says that sacrificing a dog's life to save a human life is very humane. He thinks that constant change keeps us alive. A person changes by his own choice. He also has a decision to make. After he tells me that he becomes silent. I tell him how I teased Jerry and made him blush. He laughs and says he didn't think that Jerry was capable of blushing. He says he has a good story to tell me.

The Action Committee still hadn't decided upon a course of action when they had an internal split. One evening, Teng left the meeting feeling depressed and went alone to the Red Onion bar to drink. He met an American girl there, a baby face with a woman's body. They drank together, danced and then went to her apartment. She lives in public housing on 110th Street. She stripped off her clothes the minute she walked into the room. He made love to her. He fondled her. She moaned. He suddenly thought about the wooden sign at the entrance to the park in the foreign concession in Hankow: CHINESE AND DOGS NOT ADMITTED. He remembered how the foreign policemen used to beat the rickshaw pullers with their batons. He was still fondling the woman. Her moans were coming to a climax. He told her this was their first time and their last time. He never saw the same woman twice. As he said that his caresses became more tender. The woman didn't seem to hear what he had said, she cried and laughed yelling that he was a son of a bitch and that she had never been so happy. She jerked violently, then was calm. But he started to get excited. He entered her. She kept on saying: the bed is a man's magnifying glass, where a man's egoism is magnified ten thousand times. Relax. She didn't want anything to do with Chinese. She went to bed with him because she was bored. He was still moving on top of her. She picked up the phone beside the bed and called another man to discuss male genitalia. She laughed into the phone. Teng yelled as he lay on top of her—what she was saying excited him. At last she said into the phone ‘This little Chinaman on me has a huge prick.' Teng suddenly went limp, and rolled off her body. She threw down the phone, saying that this was the biggest insult in her life; she'd never had a man become impotent inside her. Little Chinaman! Little Chinaman! Little Chinaman! She kept yelling at him, who lay naked on the bed. He put on his clothes and left. If he hadn't left then he would have pulled out the sailor's knife to kill her—he always carries his sailor's knife.

 

 

But I know!

I only went to see Dr Beasley out of curiosity. He looked at my medical history form; examined me; discovered I was already three months pregnant, he couldn't perform the regular method of scraping the womb, he must employ injection of a saline solution. He explained that the special saline solution was injected into the womb, after forty-eight hours the embryo would automatically miscarry. That's a dangerous operation, it's no light undertaking to perform it; not only that, the hospitals in New York City which performed that operation didn't have any empty beds, there were too many people waiting to get abortions, I have to wait another month. In the state of Pennsylvania alone every two hours an illegitimate child is born; he could give me a list of doctors in the suburbs, if I'm lucky, perhaps I could find a suburban doctor who would perform the saline solution injection for abortion.

‘I'm sorry! I've already done my best to see you within three days, because you're Chinese. During the war . . .'

‘Doctor, which war?' I asked.

‘The Second World War. I was a doctor for the army in Burma. I served the Chinese army. With my own eyes I saw so many, so many Chinese die.'

‘I want to keep the Chinese in my womb!' I said, smiling. ‘I'm happy I'm already past the safety period for getting an abortion. I don't plan to look for another doctor.'

‘Hen hao
—very good.' He spoke in Chinese. ‘You're the only person I've seen who is happy because you weren't able to get an abortion. Good luck to China!'

 

I make more than forty long distance phone calls to doctors on the list Dr Beasley gave me. I'm sorry the doctor is on vacation I'm sorry the doctor does not perform abortions by saline injection I'm sorry there are too many people waiting for an abortion I'm sorry the doctor is too busy I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
. . .

 

I have to go back in three days. I came to New York to see a huge pile of steel, glass and people—my trip wasn't a waste.

Teng is going back with me. His job at the hospital is all set, salary at $15,000 per year. But he's become very silent, only saying ‘his heart is in turmoil'.

I call I-po, tell him I couldn't get an abortion. He stammers and can't say anything, finally says, ‘Please wait a minute. I want to go to the toilet.' I hang up, laughing.

Tan-hung and Jerry are sitting in the living room discussing hiring a lawyer to prepare the divorce papers. Next week Tan-hung will go to Taiwan for a vacation. Perhaps she won't come back, she says. Jerry gives her a going-away gift, looks like a tube of lipstick, it turns out to be a new kind of camera. Tan-hung can use it on her trip, he says. They even talk about scenery in Japan.

 

In the evening I call I-po he tells me not to worry about the cost one thousand two thousand he can pay . . . I cry over the phone he says
:

Dear, I love you very very much.

 

I have only two days left in New York, I must get out and see the sights. I wander around between the steel and glass. Every time I come out of the subway I encounter a new surprise: Radio City, Times Square, Metropolitan Museum, Empire State Building, Greenwich Village, Broadway theatres . . . I've come back to Wall Street!

I come out of the exit of the subway and run into a man. There were bags around his eyes. When you look at him, he doesn't see you at all. Even if a pretty girl walks by, he doesn't see her, either. I smile at him, no response. He is coming out of the New York Stock Exchange and
walking along Wall Street. His head lowered, he walks very slowly, amidst the hurrying people he appears very odd. I am curious about him, so I follow him to the end of Wall Street.

I follow him into a cemetery. He sits on a cracked tombstone. It's drizzling. I stroll between the tombs. The words carved on the tombstones are already faded. This is the only quiet place in New York. I circle around the cemetery. The man suddenly stands up. ‘What about it!' He suddenly speaks, then looks up at the sky. He turns around, looks at me. I walk over. He says his name is Goldberg. I say he can call me anything. He laughs and invites me to dinner.

We drink in the Oak Room of the Fifth Avenue Plaza Hotel, a trio stops at our table to play the violin. He suddenly ‘livens' up, calls me Miura Ayako. He says in his eyes all Oriental women are Miura Ayako. During the Korean War he was fighting in Korea, he went on leave in Tokyo, he had a Japanese woman called Miura Ayako. I say during the Korean War I was a waitress at the Imperial Hotel in Tokyo, my sole desire was to be a movie star. I fell in love with an American G.I.; his name was David. I go on making up stories. He raises his glass and calls me Miura Ayako. I raise my glass and call him David. We click glasses.

When we finish eating, he says I'm an interesting woman. He picks a rose from the vase on our table and gives it to me, kisses me on the cheek saying, ‘I lost a million and a half dollars today.'

 

Dr Johnson in Worchester calls. He says I can go to his clinic tomorrow night at six o‘clock, that's his supper time, he must charge double, altogether eight hundred dollars. I say,‘I'm sorry, dear doctor, I want to keep my child. I'm not coming.'

 

I call Dr Johnson and beg him to see me tomorrow night at six. I'm willing to pay triple the cost I'm an alien with no way outl must get an abortion, he coldly says all right but don't change your mind again
.

I call I-po. He is very happy, he says he's been thanking of the way I looked soaking in the tub
.

 

All right, let's see what's happening in Worchester.

Teng and I drive there. All along the way, sunny skies, black clouds, rain, fog, the weather keeps changing. The water flows, the wind flows, the light flows. The leaves are all turning red.

The car races down a slope. On two sides are dense forests. I smell
a whiff of smoke, mixed with the fragrance of blood, mud, and fresh-cut grass. I don't know where it's coming from. Teng also smells it. When the car gets closer to the bottom of the hill, the smell of the fragrant smoke gets thicker. We drive to the front of a run-down gate, the smoke is drifting over from the other side of the wooden gate.