Ms. Leakey Is Freaky! (2 page)

The guys and I all agreed that sword fighting was cool. Instead of us playing games in fizz ed, they should let us fight with swords. All that running and jumping and stabbing each other would be good exercise.

After the assembly we went back to
Mr. Granite's class. It was time for math. I hate math.

“Let's say there are fifteen lightbulbs burning in your house,” Mr. Granite told us, “and you turn off seven of them when you leave for school. How many are still burning?”

“Eight!” we all shouted.

“Wrong!” said Mr. Granite. “The correct answer is zero. You should never leave
any
lights burning when you leave your house. It's a waste of electricity.”

That's when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. Ms. Leakey, the health teacher, came running into the room. That lady must run
everywhere
.

“To what do we owe the pleasure of your company?” asked Mr. Granite.

That's grown-up talk for “What are
you
doing here?”

“It's time for health class!” Ms. Leakey said, all excited. “Everybody up on your feet!”

“Uh, we're in the middle of a math lesson right now,” said Mr. Granite.

“Great!” said Ms. Leakey. “The kids can count while they do jumping jacks! Let's go! One! Two! Three! Four!”

Mr. Granite didn't look very happy that his math lesson had been interrupted. He picked up a newspaper and started reading it. We all got up and started doing
jumping jacks with Ms. Leakey. I don't really like to do jumping jacks, but it was better than doing math.

“Five! Six! Seven! Eight!” shouted Ms. Leakey. “Let's get that blood flowing!”

“Ew, disgusting!” I said as I jumped up and down. “I don't want my blood flowing.”

“If your blood didn't flow, you would
die
, Arlo,” said Andrea, who calls me by
my real name because she knows I don't like it.

“Your
face
should die,” I told Andrea.

Ms. Leakey made us touch our toes, reach for the sky, bend over backward, and do all kinds of other weird stuff. Then she told us to sit down so she could talk about nutrition.

“Your body is like a machine,” Ms. Leakey told us. “The heart is like the engine of your body, and the food you eat is like the battery. Candy, chips, cookies, and junk food make weak batteries. If you want strong batteries, you need to eat fruits and vegetables—things that grow out of the ground.”

“Ew, I'm not gonna eat something that grew in
dirt
!” I said. “That's disgusting.”

“Sugar grows in dirt,” Ms. Leakey told me.

“That must be some
sweet
dirt,” I said.

“Do you kids know which is the most important meal of the day?” asked Ms. Leakey.

Little Miss Perfect was waving her arm around like it was on fire. Naturally, Ms. Leakey called on her.

“Breakfast!” Andrea said, all proud of herself.

“That's right,” Ms. Leakey said. “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”

“Breakfast is conceited,” I said. “Mr.
Granite told us you shouldn't think you're more important than anyone else.”

I looked at Mr. Granite. He was in the back of the room reading his newspaper. He looked annoyed.

“Yeah,” said Ryan. “How does that make lunch feel?”

“Do you think lunch and dinner are jealous of breakfast because it's more important?” asked Michael.

“Lunch and dinner don't have feelings,” Ms. Leakey told us. “They're just
meals
.”

“Didn't we learn in social studies that all meals are created equal?” I asked.

“That's
men
, dumbhead!” said Andrea. “All
men
are created equal.”

“Your
face
is a man,” I told Andrea.

“That doesn't even make sense, Arlo!”

“Your
face
doesn't make sense,” I told Andrea.

“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

“I think breakfast is selfish,” said Neil the nude kid.

“You eat shellfish for breakfast?” I asked. “That's weird.”

“Can we get back on task, please?” said Ms. Leakey. “What I'm trying to say is that what you eat is very important. Don't you want to grow up to be strong like me?”

Ms. Leakey flexed her arm muscles like a bodybuilder.

“I'll bet you're not as strong as Mr.
Granite,” said Ryan. “He's
really
strong.”

“Oh, yeah? I'll bet I'm
stronger
than Mr. Granite!” said Ms. Leakey.

“Ooooooooooooooohhhhh,”
we all went.

Mr. Granite looked up from his newspaper.

“Are you challenging me, Ms. Leakey?” he said.

“Ooooooooooooooohhhhh,”
we all went.

“You wanna arm wrestle?” Ms. Leakey said.

“Bring it on!” said Mr. Granite.

“Ooooooooooooooohhhhh,”
we all went.

Mr. Granite and Ms. Leakey went to Mr. Granite's desk and put their elbows next to each other. Ms. Leakey glared
at Mr. Granite. Mr. Granite glared at Ms. Leakey. Then they gripped each other's hands and started arm wrestling.

“Go, Mr. Granite!” yelled all the boys.

“You can beat him, Ms. Leakey!” yelled all the girls.

Mr. Granite and Ms. Leakey were moaning and grunting while their arms moved left and right. There was sweat all over Mr. Granite's face. And soon Ms. Leakey's hand was pushing Mr. Granite's hand toward the desk. She slammed it down with a thud.

“Victory is sweet!” shouted Ms. Leakey.

“WOW,” we all went, which is “MOM” upside down.

All the girls were yelling and screaming and hooting and hollering. All the boys were booing and saying Ms. Leakey cheated.

And you'll never believe who walked into the door at that moment.

Nobody. If you walked into a door it would hurt. But you'll never believe who walked into the
doorway
.

It was Mr. Klutz!

“What's going on in here?” he asked. “I heard yelling all the way down the hall.”

“Ms. Leakey beat Mr. Granite at arm wrestling!” said Andrea.

“Well, I'll bet she can't beat
me
at arm wrestling!” said Mr. Klutz.

“Ooooooooooooooohhhhh,”
we all went.

“I'll take that bet,” said Ms. Leakey.

Mr. Klutz got into arm wrestling position with Ms. Leakey. They glared at each other.

“You're going
down
,” said Mr. Klutz.

“I don't
think
so!” said Ms. Leakey.

That's when the yelling and screaming and grunting and sweating started. And when it was all over, Mr. Klutz was rubbing his arm in pain.

“Girls rule! Boys drool!” shouted the girls.

“Is there anyone else you'd like me to humiliate?” asked Ms. Leakey.

“Yes,” said Mr. Klutz as he pulled out his walkie-talkie. “Officer Spence, will you please report to Mr. Granite's class?”

A few minutes later, Officer Spence arrived. He's a really big guy, and he's really strong.

“Is anything wrong?” asked Officer Spence.

“Yes,” Mr. Klutz said. “Ms. Leakey beat me at arm wrestling. For the sake of all the men in the world, I need you to avenge my defeat.”

“Sure thing, boss,” said Officer Spence. “No man
or
woman can beat
me
at arm wrestling.”

We were all yelling and screaming and freaking out as Ms. Leakey and Officer Spence started arm wrestling. First he almost pushed her hand all the way down to the desk. Then she almost pushed his hand all the way down to the desk. They went back and forth like that for a while.

And then, finally, Officer Spence was moaning and grunting as his hand moved backward. It looked like his eyes were going to pop out of his head.

And then he gave up, and his hand hit the desk.

“Yay!” shouted all the girls.

“Boo!” shouted all the boys.

“I think I proved my point,” said Ms. Leakey. “If you eat your fruits and veggies and drink lots of milk, you'll get strong like me. Well, if you'll excuse me, I need to go do some sit-ups.”

With that she ran away.

Ms. Leakey sure is strong. But she also sure is weird.

Soon it was time for lunch in the vomitorium. Me and the guys sat at our usual table. Andrea and her girlie friends sat at the next table so they could bother us.

Michael had a ham sandwich. Ryan bought the school lunch, which is disgusting. He'll eat anything, even stuff
that isn't food. My mom packed me a peanut butter sandwich and a Twinkie.

“Do you think we would
really
get strong if we ate more fruits and veggies?” asked Neil the nude kid.

“It would be cool to be strong like Ms. Leakey,” said Michael. “Then we could sword fight with lots of bad guys dressed like food and beat everybody at arm wrestling.”

“I ate a piece of asparagus once,” I told the guys. “It was gross. I thought I was gonna die.”

That's when Little Miss Know-It-All at the next table turned around.

“Ms. Leakey is right, you know,” Andrea
said. “Eating healthy food is good for your body.”

When Andrea turned back around, we all made faces at her.

“Ms. Leakey is weird,” said Ryan. “Why do you think she's always running out of the room?”

“She needs to go exercise,” said Michael. “She's obsessed with exercise.”

I finished my sandwich and peeled the wrapper off my Twinkie. I don't know if you've ever eaten a Twinkie, but it is the best food in the history of the world. I could eat Twinkies all day long. Well, not in the shower. That would be weird. But Twinkies are the perfect food.

I was about to put the Twinkie in my mouth when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.

“STOP!” a voice shouted.

It was Ms. Leakey! She came running full speed into the vomitorium like she was in the Olympics. She appeared out of
nowhere
! She must have a Twinkie detector or something.

“DROP THAT TWINKIE!” Ms. Leakey screamed as she grabbed my hand.

The Twinkie was an inch from my mouth.

“But I'm hungry!” I complained.

“Do you know what that thing is made of?” asked Ms. Leakey.

“Uh, golden sponge cake with creamy filling?”

“No!” she shouted. “Dextrose! Sodium acid pyrophosphate! Diglycerides! Polysorbate 60! Partially hydrogenated animal shortening! You want to put all those chemicals into your body?”

The Twinkie was still an inch from my mouth. I looked at it. Then I looked at Ms. Leakey. Then I looked at the Twinkie again. Then I looked at Ms. Leakey again.

“Eat it, A.J.,” whispered Ryan. “She can't tell you what to do.”

“Don't eat it, A.J.,” said Michael.

“Eat it, A.J.,” whispered Neil the nude kid.

“Don't eat it, Arlo,” said Andrea.

I was faced with the hardest decision of my life. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I had to think fast. I was concentrating so hard that my brain hurt.

And then I leaned forward and took a bite of the Twinkie. Ms. Leakey grabbed my upper and lower teeth with her hands and tried to pull them apart.

“Spit out the Twinkie, A.J.!” she screamed. “Stop this junk food madness!”

“But I
love
sodium acid pyrophosphate!” I yelled.

I managed to swallow that bite of Twinkie, but Ms. Leakey grabbed the
rest of it out of my lunch box. Then she jumped up on top of our table.

“Do you kids know that the average
person eats fifty pounds of cookies and cake every year?” she shouted so everybody in the vomitorium could hear. “You eat eighteen pounds of candy! Five pounds of potato chips! A hundred pounds of sugar! No wonder today's kids are so unhealthy!”

Ms. Leakey jumped down from the table and grabbed one of the big garbage cans we scrape our trays into. Then she started taking Ding Dongs and Yodels and cupcakes off kids' trays and throwing them into the garbage can.

“Free yourselves from the shackles of sugar!” she shouted. “Put your junk food in here! Begin a new life for yourself! Join
the sugar-free revolution!”

Some of the kids actually threw their junk food into the garbage can. What is their problem?

“Come, follow me, everyone!” Ms. Leakey yelled, pulling the garbage can behind her. She marched out the door of the vomitorium and started singing…

Everybody followed Ms. Leakey out the door. She dragged the garbage can across
the playground to the corner. There's a big, green Dumpster there.

“This is where junk food belongs!” shouted Ms. Leakey. She picked the garbage can up over her head with superhuman strength and emptied it into the Dumpster.

“Throw it away! Throw it away!” kids were chanting.

It was horrible! What a waste of perfectly good junk food.

This was worse than TV Turnoff Week. It was the worst day of my life.