Mrs. Patty Is Batty! (5 page)

Behind the door was a big, dark room, and it was full of kids. I couldn't see much, but I recognized Neil the nude kid, and Annette, and some other kids from our class. They were just sitting there, like they were waiting for us.

It was weird.

In the middle of the room was a big trunk. It was like one of those trunks that pirates used to hide their treasure.

Michael asked, “What's in the—

But he never got the chance to finish his sentence, because suddenly the top of the trunk started to lift up. A
hand
was pushing it open! And then this
thing
got out.

It was a mummy…with bandages all over its body! But the weird thing was that the mummy didn't have a head! Well, it
had
a head, but the head wasn't on top of its shoulders where it was supposed to be. The mummy was holding its head in its hand like a football!

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!” screamed Emily.

“It's Marvin!” I shouted. “Mrs. Patty's dead husband! His ghost came to life!”

“He's the Halloween Monster!” yelled Ryan.

“We're gonna die!” Michael screamed.

“I
told
you we should have made a run for it!” I shouted.

“Bwa-ha-ha-ha!” said Marvin's head. I had no idea how it was able to talk, but it did. It said, “Give me your candy! Put everything in the trunk, or else.”

That head didn't have to ask me twice. I ran over and dumped all the candy from my pillowcase into the trunk. So did Ryan and Michael and Andrea and Emily and Neil the nude kid and Annette. I guess that mummy made
all
the kids turn over their candy,
because there were about a million hundred candy bars in the trunk.

“Bwa-ha-ha-ha!” said Marvin's head as Marvin danced around the trunk. “It's mine! All mine! Now at long last I have more candy than anyone in town! My life is complete! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!”

“That's what
you
think!”

We all turned to see who said that. A big guy stepped out of the shadows at the other end of the room. He had a crown on his head and a sword in his hand.

It was Mr. Klutz, our school principal!

“It is I,” he said, pointing his sword at Marvin the mummy. “King Louis the
Fourteenth. In the name of France, surrender that candy!”

“Over my dead body!” Marvin said. (That was really weird. Everybody knows mummies are dead bodies to begin with.)

Marvin grabbed a sword off the wall with the hand he wasn't using to hold his own head. Then he and Mr. Klutz started sword fighting, just like in the movies. It was cool.

“Get him, Mr. Klutz!” we all shouted. “Kill the Halloween Monster!”

Mr. Klutz and Marvin were dancing around, swinging their swords at each other.

“Off with your head!” Mr. Klutz said, taking a wild swing.

“His head is already off!” somebody yelled.

“Oh,” Mr. Klutz said. “Let him eat cake!”

The sword fight was really exciting. Finally, after a million hundred minutes, Mr. Klutz knocked the sword out of the Halloween Monster's hand.

“Please have mercy,” Marvin said as he fell to his knees.

“Begone!” Mr. Klutz said. “Don't ever steal candy from the children of Ella Mentry School again!”

“I'll get you, my pretty,” said the Halloween Monster as it ran up the stairs,
“and your little dog, too.”

“I don't even have a dog,” said Mr. Klutz.

After the Halloween Monster ran away, Mrs. Patty came downstairs.

“Hooray for Mr. Klutz!” she yelled. We all started cheering.

“I have defeated the Halloween Monster!” said Mr. Klutz…I mean, Louis the Fourteenth.

“We should celebrate!” said Mrs. Patty. “Let's have a candy party!”

“Yeah!” we all yelled.

Mr. Klutz and Mrs. Patty tipped over the treasure chest and dumped all the candy on the floor. We were allowed to eat whatever we wanted and take the rest home.

I ate so much candy, I thought I was going to throw up. It was the greatest night of my life.
After eating all that candy, I couldn't fall asleep for a million hundred hours. I just lay there in bed thinking about all the cool stuff that happened.

Maybe Mrs. Patty does keep her Halloween decorations up all year round. Maybe her husband, Marvin, really is dead. Maybe she did chop his head off and turn him into a mummy. Maybe that's why he's so mad and he has to run around the house holding his own head. Maybe now that he lost the sword fight to Mr. Klutz, he'll be nicer and stop taking kids' candy. Maybe Marvin and Mrs. Patty will get back together and just be normal
people again, even though one of them is dead. And maybe Mrs. Patty will be able to get that wart off her nose.

But it won't be easy!

Cover art © 2007 by Jim Paillot