Mrs. Beast (20 page)

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Beauty takes a bite of the bread, then asks Scheherazade.
 
"How did you come to live in Stromberg?"

    
"We were five years old when Prince Fazel was struck with a lance during a raid.
 
He was brought to camp, very near death.
  
Mother dashed to his side."

    
Tears spring to Beauty's eyes.
 
She's visualizing her Beast lying still as death in the rose garden.

    
"Don't get sentimental on me.
 
Rapunzel can't bear to see or hear pain.
 
She rushes to the aid of
anybody
, anywhere who is in distress.
 
Fazel spat on her and shouted,
Out of my sight, whore!
 
Bring forth my wife.
 
Before I meet Allah, let my final vision be the blessed woman who carries my only child within the holy temple of her body.
 
Praise Allah!"

    
Beauty hangs her head and a tear runs down her pert chin.

    
"At the sound of Fazel's death rattle, the tribe fell to their knees weeping and beating their breasts.
 
Mother rushed back to our tent, picked us up and fled, knowing they could murder us before the burial.
 
Nobody followed.
 
Why bother?
 
They were sure we would die in the desert."

    
Beauty shivers, and Scheherazade adds a shovel of coal to the fire.

    
"It seemed like forever we walked over burning sand.
 
Then, in the distance, we saw a rocky ridge that would provide shade, but our legs gave out and we could not travel a step further.
 
The heat was unbearable.
 
Mother sat down and said,
We'll wait here for something to happen.
”

    
"What happened?" Beauty grabs a lock of hair and twirls it between her fingers.

    
"A howling wind blasted out of nowhere carrying sulfurous sand clouds that knocked us off our feet.
 
Sand blew under our clothes, into our noses, ears, and eyes.
 
Gasping for air, we crawled for the ridge, unable to see where we were going, and, wham!"
 
Scheherazade claps her hands together and Beauty jumps.

    
"We ran into a big, fuzzy object, huddled against it, and buried our faces in the fur.
 
The storm finally passed and a cackling voice called,
Haul yourselves up here.
 
I have food and water
.

    
We looked up and found we'd been clinging to a huge white camel. Upon its back was a travel litter, finely carved from acacia wood, and peering out from its drapery was an old woman. She called again,
Come on; she's gentle as a lamb
.
 
Right then, the camel decided to stand.
 
The old woman tumbled from the litter onto the sand and yelled,
Bricklebrit
!"

    
"Did she wear a red scarf on her head?"

    
"A red kaffiyah.
 
She snatched the camel's tail and yanked until it knelt.
 
Oh, and the delights that awaited us inside!
 
We ate and drank until our tummies were round as yours. After we finished the meal, Rapunzel was so happy, she started singing."

    
"Does she sing as beautifully as you?"
 
Beauty asks.

    
Scheherazade breaks into peals of laughter. "Five notes and the milk curdled.
 
Ten notes and the camel howled in misery.”

    
Scheherazade pushes a curl off her forehead, and her countenance becomes dark.
 
“In the blessed silence that followed, we heard another voice, a pitiable, parched voice crying,
Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair
.

    
“Mother screamed,
Johann
, and was out of the litter like a shot, running toward a strange man.
 
His hands groped the air, his eyes were solid white, and his clothing hung in rags.
 
Mother flung herself on his neck and wept.
 
Then two miraculous things happened.
 
As soon as her tears touched Johann's eyes, they became clear and he could see as well as ever.
 
The air shimmered with rainbow lights and orbs of translucent colors soared upward from beneath the sand playing music like a thousand violins!
 
When the balls disappeared, the music stopped, and the lights faded, the four of us stood at the entrance to Prince Johann's castle in Stromberg."

    
"Wow," Beauty whispers and bites into the Hutzel Brod.
 
"What happened next?"

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Croesus rolls his eyes into the back of his head and his legs crumple.
   
"Enough with the ham bone hysterics," Elora groans.
 
"Only fifteen minutes to go, so I won't prolong your agony with the sight of Beauty eating hazelnut bread."
 
Elora snaps her fingers and the crystal ball darkens.

    
"I'll tell you the rest of Rapunzel's tale, and when I'm done . . . hmmm, Osetra caviar, Nicoises olives, and a bottle of Beaune Teuron '59 for starters."

    
Croesus bounds onto Elora's lap and licks her face.

    
"Hey-Haay!
 
Get down this instant.
 
Don't you dog me."

    
Croesus jumps to the floor and strikes an RCA Victor dog pose.

    
"Women can't stand being dogged," Elora says firmly.
 
"Beauties fear it and your average Grimm woman won't tolerate it.
 
Which brings us back to Kronus Castle after I spelled them out of the desert.
 
Johann kissed the ground and cried:
I thought I'd never see home again
.
 
He jumped up and said,
Rapunzel, light of my life, you restored both my sight and my home.
 
I'll love, honor, cherish and worship you until death parts us.
 
Marry me now and we'll live happily ever after in my castle.
 
Uh, who are these children?

    
Croesus' ears fall and his eyebrows rise.

    
"Didn't matter at first.
 
Johann hustled Rapunzel to the altar. Omar and Scheherazade were treated royally: they wore royal duds, played with royal toys, and ate royal grub.
 
Four years had passed since Rapunzel had done the wild thing, and she was . . .
 
receptive.
 
I'll go for understatement and say Johann was happy, clanked, but happy.
 
Then his pecker drooped.
 
Guess how the royal physician treated Johann's ailment?"

    
Croesus pretends interest while he sneaks a peek at Elora's watch.

    
"He applied leeches to Johann's legs and ordered Rapunzel out of the royal bed for thirty days.
 
Yeah, right.
 
Johann couldn't bear to have Rapunzel out of his sight, and she couldn't bear to sit bedside without handling him.
 
Rapunzel bores easily.
 
On the fifth day, she reached her limit and said to the twins,
I'm bored, let's play
. They rode the royal ponies, shot croquet, and swam in the royal fountain.

    
"From his bed, Johann watched them cavort and with each day, he got more jacked. Whenever Rapunzel hugged, tickled, or cuddled Omar and Scheherazade, Johann's guts churned with jealousy.
 
After ten days, he cooked up a scheme to get rid of the twins.
 
He was rapturous, imagining how Rapunzel would cling to him in her sorrow, sob on his chest, and he would be her sole comfort.
 
He paid his servant Adolf to take the twins deep into the Black Forest and make them disappear. Sound familiar? However, on his way to the forest, Adolf stopped in at
The Bloated Boar Tavern.

    
“Back at the palace, Johann played pocket pool under the covers while Rapunzel searched high and low for the twins.
 
She hit the streets and gravitated toward the loudest music and most raucous laughter, which emanated from
The Bloated Boar.
 
Adolf was already half-crocked when Rapunzel came in, and she bought him an ale in appreciation for tending the twins.
 
When his head hit the bar, Rapunzel, Omar, and Scheherazade returned to the castle and a ball-faced Johann."

    
Croesus manages a feeble "Marf."

    
"Yup, the beginning of the end.
 
Not because Rapunzel got wind of his scheme, it was trouble of another sort.
 
Rapunzel dug the street life, the sounds, the smells, the shops, the gifts men gave her.
 
She started strolling Stromberg every day.
 
As soon as Johann was strong enough, he followed her, wearing disguises, clinging to walls, hiding in shadows and scribbling notes like some cheap gumshoe.
 
Then at night, Johann would whip out his notes:
 
The flower vendor gave you a bouquet of violets today and the baker gave you a gooseberry pie.
 
No money changed hands.
 
What did you say to them?

    
Thanks
, Rapunzel replied.

    
Croesus wheezes appreciatively.

    
"Johann didn't think she was funny.
 
He pinched up his face and said,
You must have said or done something more.
 
Did you give them a little squeeze or a promise to meet later?

    
"No matter that Rapunzel invited him along on her jaunts and laughed away his accusations.
 
He'd become as possessive as Gothel had been. The more he groused, the more Rapunzel strayed and found amusing company elsewhere.
 
Johann would've strangled her one afternoon if Uele the giant hadn't intervened."

    
The hall clock pings twelve times and Croesus salivates like Pavlov's pooch.

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Beauty sits on the stoop of Rapunzel's house enjoying the last evening of May.
 
Apple trees in full blossom loom like white balloons in the deepening twilight, lending a festive air to Storyendburg.
 
Through the open door, she hears the voices of Omar and Scheherazade setting the hearth for their nightly warm milk and honey.
 
Lately, they have become increasingly subdued, and Beauty knows they miss their mother.
 
She rises from the stoop and walks to the hearth where Omar has set three mugs of milk and Scheherazade is waiting to continue the story of Rapunzel.
 
Her previous ten installments had given a vivid description of their year with Prince Johann, and Beauty is eager to hear a happy ending.

    
"After one year with Prince Johann, Mother had it up to here,” Scheherazade says, snapping her hand over her eyes.
 
"We moved to Storyendburg.
 
End of story."