Mr. Darcy's Promise (21 page)

Until I hear from you, sincerely,

Your dear Mr. Wickham

“Oh dear, and you have kept this threatening letter all this time? When did you say it came? There is no date on it either.” Elizabeth let the letter drop to her lap. She did not know what to do in the matter. From her experience, Wickham could be quite forceful in his pursuits. She was reminded again just how forceful his lips had been that night on the balcony.

“It came a few days after the ball, after you and William got engaged. Oh please do not tell him about it. It has caused enough anxiety with me. We do not need to tell William about it!”

“Tell me what?” Mr. Darcy said lightly as he walked into the room. He assumed from their hushed tones that they had finally had their discussion. He could also see Georgiana look frantically from him and back to Elizabeth. He wished he could see Elizabeth’s face but her back was to him.

Elizabeth quickly slipped the letter into her book and winked at Georgiana before she turned and said, “Dear, you do not expect to be privy to your birthday present plans do you?”

She called me dear
!
He smiled brightly. “My birthday is not for two months! What can you possibly need two months to plan for?”

Georgiana had seen Elizabeth hide the letter and wink, but it did not help her anxiety. What if he had heard more than he let on? What if Elizabeth told him about the letter? She was very near bursting out in tears, but collected herself. “A duet on the piano,” she said weakly. She was never good at deceiving people and definitely not her brother.

Mr. Darcy did not miss that Georgiana did not meet his eyes. He knew the duet was not what they were discussing, but he also knew when to back down. He had enough faith in Elizabeth to know that if it was something he should know about then she would tell him. “Well then, I hope to hear something spectacular if you plan on practicing for two months!” He bowed and exited the room. Something was wrong, he knew, but he would trust Elizabeth in the matter.

After he left the room Elizabeth put her hands on Georgiana’s and said, “Give me some time to sort out what to do. But for now, I promise not to tell him.” Holding up her book, she added, “Do you mind if I keep this? I may need to study it a little, and from the sight of these frayed edges, you have studied it quite enough.”

“Certainly. And thank you for your discretion.”

*****

Things started to improve a little for Georgiana. Simply not having the letter on her person was a relief in itself, but she had to admit telling Elizabeth and not feeling the entire weight on her shoulders made things much better. She still felt terribly guilty, but that was something she needed to work out on her own. She even started going on a few walks since the weather had cleared up. One such afternoon Elizabeth offered to go with her.

“Elizabeth, may I ask you a question?” Georgiana said in the midst of their stroll.

“My dear sister, you may ask me anything. But I warn you my answers do not always come out with forethought, and have caught myself in terrible messes because of my impertinent tongue,” she said, smiling.

“Now that you know about Ramsgate, the question I pose will make more sense. I lost a great deal after Wickham tricked me . . . mainly my faith in the goodness of people. I used to think that everyone had good intentions and always sought to better themselves in any way possible. I now know that is not the case. I once thought that money did not matter, but I have learned it matters a great deal
to some people. I once thought that one should listen only to the heart, and now I recognize how much of an asset a rational mind can be. I once thought that love came easily and naturally, but after Wickham, I did not know if there was such a thing as love. But now I am even more confused. I see the goodness in your love match with William and I wonder what is it like to really be in love?” Georgiana was a pace or two ahead of Elizabeth and didn’t notice Elizabeth’s open mouth and stunned features.

Love match? She thinks our marriage is a love match? What in the world made her think such a thing?
Elizabeth was speechless for the first time in who knows how long. Obviously playing the “good wife” seemed to be working. People were believing the charade they were playing. Elizabeth went over her experiences with William and was struck with deep concern over Georgiana’s observation.
Mr. Darcy may be kind to me; he may now even think me tempting at times or even drop money on me like it was effortless. He may enjoy spending time with me, and he may even feel a certain level of appreciation for me, but he does not love me! Certainly not. If he did, he would say so! Would he not? Why would he not?

She began to think of the coldness of his proposal which contradicted his caring gestures in the carriage after the wedding. Although he had promised not to bed her until she wished it, there would be moments where desire appeared in his eyes. Her mind couldn’t make sense of his behavior. He had very nearly kissed her twice now, or at least that was what she had thought. His smiling eyes appeared more frequently than in the past, but all these things did not mean he loved her! He would have declared himself if he did! He was a very good man; indeed, a perfect gentleman. She now understood why the servants adored him, for he had a kind heart, one that reached out to the needy and less fortunate. He treated his servants like family. It struck her then.

She, too, was needy and less fortunate. He was simply treating her like any other person in the household. Her heart and mind were battling harder than ever. She thought about how he looked at her intensely with concern and kindness, but he was concerned and kind to his servants too!
But
, her heart argued,
he says such nice things to me!
Her rational mind reminded her that he said nice things to the servants as well. It was much easier to reason that he was simply being flattering and kind, rather than let her heart take the leap of faith that he loved her. Would he not have already declared himself if he loved her? There was no reason why he should not tell her if he felt such feelings for her. And he had not declared himself in any way. She had even asked why he married her but he refused to give an answer.
Yet. Would this not have been the ideal moment to confess his love— if that love existed in any form?

Not only did he not love her, but she was no better than any other household member in his eyes. And being the gentleman that he was he would never take a servant to bed. It all made perfect sense now.
Although she tried to remain composed, the painful reminder that she was in nothing near a
love matc
h
sent a stab to her heart.She bit her lip and wiped at her eyes. Any moment now Georgiana would want an answer from her about what it was really like to be in love. She reached for her handkerchief but was too late. Georgiana had turned around and seen her tear
s.
I had been doing so well, even hoping that a friendship was forming! And now I realize that it was simply Mr. Darcy being kind and generous to me, just like he is with his servants.
“I am terribly sorry, Georgiana. I fear I have a headache and cannot go on. Please forgive me.”

She turned abruptly, feeling tears slide down her cheeks as she walked back to the house. Her lack of attention meant that she soon found herself in the garden maze. She was two turns into it when she realized it. So far on her walks with Mr. Darcy they had not walked the maze
.
At least he will not think to look for me here.
She continued to walk and make random turns, not paying any attention to the direction she was going. It was a direct reflection of the path her thoughts took. She reached a dead end and saw a bench. Tears stung her eyes and her chest felt unbearably tight. She had let herself begin to hope and that was turning out to be a very dangerous privilege. This is what it felt to hope, and then to be disappointed in that hope.

How could she have let herself expect more than companionship? And why did her heart hurt so deeply when it had only been a short time ago that she learned to value his friendship? Did she love him? Was that why understanding his motives in attending to her seemed to hurt so badly? She would not let her heart dwell on the inevitable. She had committed to herself on her wedding day, and would recommit herself now; she would be a good wife and only expect companionship. She would not set herself up for this kind of pain again. Unmet expectations were painful. It was easier said than done. Her chest convulsed with the movement of a sob. She began to talk quietly to herself to help her make sense of her thoughts and feelings. Of course, she came to no new conclusions, and soon her handkerchief was soaked through with tears. Mr. Darcy did not love her. If he did, he would have said so. There was no reason he should not. Why did this old knowledge feel so fresh and new?

*****

Georgiana knocked on her brother’s study door and waited to hear him speak “enter.” She took a deep breath and turned the knob.

“Come in, Georgie, what can I do for you? I was just finishing up with a few things.” He frowned. Her spirits were clearly down again.

Georgiana looked at her hands before she spoke. “Brother, I fear I have made your wife upset, but for the life of me I do not know why. One minute we were talking and I asked her a question and the next she was crying and complaining of a headache and then she ran off. I am so sorry, but I do not know what I said.”

“Tell me exactly what you said.” He thought back on what her mood had been the last time they were together. She had seemed everything positive and engaging.

“I was telling her how more mature my outlook on people and love was since that awful experience with Wickham. I have learned a lot, William. But I was explaining that there was a part of me that stopped believing in love until I saw you two together. I was going to say how I now believed a love match was possible as I have witnessed it with the two of you.”

“What did you say
exactly
?” He did not wish to place blame, but Georgiana didn’t know their marriage was precarious for Elizabeth. He knew he loved Elizabeth, valued her more than his own life, and was fairly certain that she did not return his feelings. At least not yet.
Time, just a little more time.
He had hoped that things were changing but he couldn’t be sure.

“I do not know for sure. I think I said something about your marriage being a love match and then I asked her what it was like to be in love. Did I say something wrong?” She started
wringing her hands.

“No, no,” Darcy assured her. “Do not
fret, I am sure something else upset her. Did you see where she went?”

“Do not patronize me, William! She was fine before I asked her what it felt like and then she started crying. She entered the maze.” Georgiana had not the emotional fortitude to endure her brother making her feel like a little girl. She turned to leave.

“Wait,” her brother said quickly. “I am sorry. There are circumstances that complicate me explaining things, but at the moment I do not know the answers to the questions I know you have. Forgive me, Georgiana. I do not mean to patronize. It is hard for me to see you so grown up. Thank you for coming and telling me. I will go find her now.” He didn’t even bother to take his jacket. It was a warm afternoon out and his jacket would just make his chest feel tighter than it already was.

The maze wasn’t difficult to navigate. If one ever got lost, the architect had arranged it so that they could stand on the many benches to determine their position. But her being lost was not what he was worrying about. What he was worried about was whether or not she wanted to be found.

He entered the maze and walked quickly but quietly, listening for her all the while. He was deep into the maze when he heard sobbing. She was mumbling something as well. He couldn’t quite make it out . . .
The new and the old . . . companions . . . or was it companionship?
  She was probably two hedges away, nestled in the heart of the maze, but he would have to veer away from her first in order to get on the right path. He decided it was not such a good idea to eavesdrop on her. The bits and pieces of what he heard were not making sense anyway. When her heart-wrenching sobs began anew, he turned to leave to find the right path.

In one more turn he should see her. He could hear her better now. He pressed on, only wanting to comfort her. Every bone in his body wanted to hold her and he would permit it this time. When she cried on the way to London on the day of their wedding he felt he couldn’t, but they had built something over the last few weeks. That had to count for something. He saw her now. She sat with her shoulders slumped and her head in her hands, looking impossibly fragile in her grief. She looked so fragile and breakable. He focused on the few stray curls that framed her face, and closed the gap cautiously as if she was a frightened wild animal.

“Dearest Elizabeth,” he murmured. Her head jerked up. “Georgiana said you were upset, and I can see she was correct.” He slowly took a seat on the bench next to her. He ached to reach for her hand.
Oh who cares, by gads! Take her hand already. It is not going to bite me. So I will have to endure the impulses that are all too appealing! But this is not about what I want. She needs me!

“Mr. Darcy, I fear I am not in the best mood, and I suspect I will be poor company.” She heard the sadness in her own voice. She twisted the handkerchief she held in her fingers.