Moving Mars (12 page)

Youre right, he said. Im pushing again.

I wouldnt have known how good a lover you are, I said, if you hadnt been a little pushy.

I napped on the trip back to Shrinktown. The tractor found its way home like a faithful horse. Charles nudged me two hours before our arrival and I came awake apologizing. I didnt want him to feel neglected. I turned to watch the short rooster tail of dust behind, then faced Charles in the drivers seat. Thank you, I said.

For what?

For being pushy. I was about to say, For making a woman out of me, but the humor might not have been obvious, and I didnt want him to think I was being flippant about what had happened.

Im good at that, he said.

Youre good at a lot of things.

I had promised my family I would spend time at Ylla, my home station, before returning to school. There was a week left for that, but I had to go to Durrey to catch the main loop trains north. Charles would stay in Shrinktown a few more days.

We parked the tractor in the motor pool garage and kissed passionately, then walked to the Shrinktown station, promising to get together when school resumed.

When I got back to Durrey, Diane Joharaagain my roommateopened the door and smiled expectantly at me. How was he? she asked. Who?

Charles Franklin.

I had told her I was going on a trip Up but hadnt given any specifics. Have you been snooping? I asked.

Not at all. While I was out at the family farm, our room took messages. One of them is from a Charles at Shrinktown depot. Wheres your slate?

I grimaced, remembering I had left my slate in the tractor by accident. Maybe that was why Charles was calling. Ive misplaced it, I said.

Diane lifted an eyebrow. I looked at the list when we got back. The same Charles we suffered with at UMS, I assume.

We went fossil-hunting, I said.

For three days ?

Your nose is sharp, Diane, I said.

She followed me into my curtained area. I pulled the cot from the wall and flopped my case on the blanket.

He seemed very nice, Diane said.

You want gory details? I asked, exasperated.

Diane shrugged. Confession is good for the soul.

You must have had a boring time at the farm.

The farm is always a dusting bore. Nothing but brothers and married cousins. But a great swimming hole. You should come with me sometime. Might meet someone you like. Youd be good for our family, Casseia.

What makes you think Id transfer my contract?

We have so much to offer, she said brightly.

Youre a top pain, Diane. I unpacked quickly and folded everything into drawers. The thought of being alone for the rest of the vacation seemed bleak.

Any good males in your family? she asked. Id transfer contracts for someone like Charles.

A few months before, I would have stuck my tongue out at her, or thrown a pillow. Somehow that seemed undignified. I had a loverwas a loverand that demanded maturity in some ways even more than being in the UMS action did.

All right. I went with Charles to a family station, I admitted. Hes nice.

Hes pretty, Diane said wistfully. Im happy for you, Casseia.

I rolled up my bag. Can I listen to my messages in private?

Now you can, Diane said.

The message from Charles made my heart pound. He was still pushing.

An hour after arriving at Shrinktown, Charles had recorded, You left your slate in my bag. Im sending it to your home station now. I just wanted to make sure you understand that Im serious. I love you and I dont think Ill ever find another woman like you. I know you need time. But I know we can share our dreams. I miss you already.

He was more impressed with me than I was. I sat on the edge of the cot, scared out of my wits.

I lay awake that night, aroused by the floating memories of Charles. It had been so confusing and so wonderful, but I knew I was too young to get married. Some did lawbond at my age: those who had morphed their futures since second form, who knew what they wanted and how to get it.

If I told Charles I did not wish to marry now, he would smile and say, You have all the time you need. And that wasnt the answer I wanted to hear. The truth was, what needed to mature in me was my whole approach to mixing the inner life with the outer. What if Charles was not ideally suited for me? Why settle for something less than the best?

I shook my head bitterly, feeling so very selfish and even treasonous. Charles had given me everything. How could I refuse?

How could I think such thoughts and yet still profess, even to myself, that I loved him?

I sent a text message back, not trusting my voice: The time at TrHaut Mc was lovely. Ill treasure it always. I cant talk about going lawbond because I am much less sure of myself than you seem to be. I want to see you as soon as possible. We need to get together with our friends and do all sorts of things before we can even think about commitment, dont you agree?

I signed off with Love, Casseia Majumdar. I had signed letters to distant relatives that way. Not I love you, a strong declaration, but simply, tersely, Love. Charles would be hurt by that. It hurt me to write it and not change it

But I sent the message. I left a farewell message on the room for Diane, who was staying at Durrey to study in privacy.

Then I boarded the train to North Solis. I leaned my head against the double-paned glass and looked out at nighttime Mars, at Phobos like, a dull searchlight above the glooming hills west of Durrey.

I am frightened, I told myself. I can never again be what I was. I can never be to another what I was to Charles. Something has ended and I am afraid.

I made the trip across Claritas Fossae back to Jiddah Pla-num and Ylla, the bosom of my family, greeting my parents and brother with affection, falsely trying to convey a jaunty air of self-assurance, everythings fine here, Im just the same as always. But Im a lover now, Father. Mom, Ive had a man, and it was wonderful I mean, he was wonderful, and I think Im in love, but its going very fast, and God I wish I could talk to you, really talk

Charles did not respond for three days.

Perhaps he had plumbed the depths of my character and decided he had made a serious mistake. Perhaps he had seen through to my basic immaturity and insincerity and decided to write me off as a Shinktown sweet after all.

My slate was delivered by postal arbeiter, but I had already ordered another, not trusting the room to record all my messages. I could not concentrate on planning my next octants curriculum. I was a nervous wreck.

I hated the suspense and uncertainty. I had felt I was in control and had lost that control and now it was my turn to be played on the line like a fish. Irritation turned to numb sadness. But I did not call him.

At the end of three days, as I undressed for a very lonely bed, Charles called me direct.

I robed and took his call in my room. His image came clear as life over my bed. He looked exhausted and sounded devastated and his face was ghostly pale. Im really sorry Ive been out of touch, he said. I wish we could talk in person. Its been a nightmare here.

Whats wrong? I asked.

Our BM has had all of its Earth contracts severed. I had to fly to McAuliff Valley for a family meeting. Im there now. God, Im sorry, you must have thought

Im fine, I said. I didnt hear anything on the nets.

Its not public yet. Dont tell anybody, Casseia. I think were being voided because our Lunar branch is starting up major prochine operations in Lagrange. Earth doesnt like it. The Greater East-West Alliance, actually, but it might as well be the whole Earth.

GEWApronounced Jee-wah, an economic union of Asia, North America, India and Pakistan, the Philippines, and parts of the Malay Archipelagohad been causing problems for a number of BMs, including Majumdar.

Is it really that bad?

We cant ship any goods to Earth, and we cant exchange process data with GEWA signatories.

How does that affect you? I asked.

Were looking at an across-the-board loss for the next five Earth years. My scholarship is down the tubes, Charles said. I had hoped to join the Trans-Mars Physics Co-op for my fifth-form studies. If Klein cant ante up, I cant pay my share, and I dont even go to fifth form.

Damn, I said. I know how much that means

It puts everything on hold, Casseia. What you said about taking time to think things through His voice shook and he worked to control it. Casseia, I cant possibly go lawbond, I dont have any prospects for scholarship

Its okay, I said.

I feel like an idiot. Everything was going so well, maybe, I thought, maybe we can

Yeah. I hurt for him.

Im sorry.

You dont need to be.

I love you so much.

Yeah, I said.

I want to see you. As soon as Im free herewe have some family decisions to make, consensus on BM direction, response, and so on

Serious. I know.

I want to get together. At Durrey, when we go back, or at Ylla, wherever. No pressure, just see you.

I want to see you, too.

He reaffirmed that he loved me, and we mumbled our way through farewells. His image faded and I took a deep breath and got a drink of water.

Charles was in trouble and that took pressure off me, and I felt guilty relief. I knew I had to talk to someone, soon, but my Mother and Father certainly would not do

I called Diane.

She answered with vid off, then switched it on. She wore a ragged blue robe she had treasured since girlhood. She had caked her hair with Vivid, a mud-colored treatment she was addicted to. It rolled slowly on her scalp. I know, I know, Im ugly, she said. Whats up?

I told her about Charless situation. I told her he had asked me to lawbond and that we couldnt now. That I was and had been very confused.

She whistled and dropped onto her cot. Lightspeed kind of guy, isnt he? she asked, narrowing her eyes. Talking remote was never the same as being in the same room, especially for a good heartfelt, but Dianes manner cut the distance. You told him to go slow, I hope.

I dont think he can. He sounds so in love.

Thats either wonderful, or hes grit. How do you feel?

He is so sincere and hes so sweet, I feel guilty not dropping my tanks and digging in.

Well, hes your first, and thats sweet alone. But youre not telling Aunt Di how you feel. Do you love him?

Im worried Im going to hurt him.

Ah. I mean, uh-oh.

You sound experienced I said testily, knotting my fingers.

I wish I were. Casseia, stop pacing and relax. Youre giving me an ache.

I sat.

You went with him to TrHaut Mc. He wasnt just climbing into your suit. You must have seen something special in him. Do you love him?

Yes, I said.

But you dont want to lawbond.

Not right away.

Ever?

I shook my head, neither yes nor no. Dont tell me Im a fool not to, because hes pretty and kind. I know that already.

No such, Casseia. Although Im a bit envious. He is smart, he was goodI assume

He was very good, I cried.

And hes willing to wait; So wait.

I pressed my lips together and stared at her. What if I decide not to lawbond? Would that be fair? Hed have wasted time on me

God, Casseia, I hope no sophisticated Terrie ever hears this. We Martians are such serious folk. Love is never wasted. Do you want to dump him now and try someone else?

No! I said angrily.

Hey, it is an option. Nobodys forcing you to do anything. Dont forget that.

Talking with her simply dropped me deeper. I feel really terrible now, I said. Id better go.

Not on your life. Why are you so charged about this?

Because if I love him, I should feel differently. I should feel all one way, not three ways. I should be happy and giving.

Youre ten years old, Casseia. Young love is never perfect.

He uses Earth years, I lamented.

Ah, a fault! What other faults does he have?

Hes so smart. I cant understand anything about his work.

Take a course. He doesnt want you for a lab assistant or fraulein arbeiter, does he?

When Im away from him, I dont know what to feel.

Diane wrinkled her face is disgust. All right, were running in circles. Whos waiting in a side tunnel?

Nobody, I said.

You know how men react to you. Youre attractive. Charles isnt the only slim and randy buck on Mars. You can afford to relax a bit. What do you know about him? You know his family isnt rich his BM is in trouble with Earth he wants to be a physicist and understand everything. Hes pretty hes gentle, hes rugged on the Up God, Casseia, Im going to hit you if you just void him!

I shook my hanging head. Ive got to go, Diane.

Sorry Im not helping.

Its okay.

Do you love him, Casseia? she asked again, eyes sharp.

No! I fumbled to hit the vid off. I missed.

Dont cut me now, roomie, Diane said. You dont love him at all?

I cant. Not now. Not one hundred per.

Youre positive?

I nodded.

Could you come to love him, someday?

I stared at her blankly. Hes very persuasive, I said.

One hundred per?

Probably not. No. I dont think so.

Be kind, then. Tell him honestly how you feel right now.

I will.

She looked away for a moment, then brought up her slate. You know me, she said. Always squirreling. Well, I have something interesting here, if you want to know about it.

What? I asked.

Charles may be ragged on the Up and good in bed, but he has plans, Casseia. Have you checked up on your friend?

No.

I always make sure I know as much as possible about my male friends. Men can be so tortuous.

I wondered what she was going to throw at me now, and my shoulders tensed: that he was actually a Statist, that he had been spying for Caroline Connor in the trench domes.

This doesnt toss any sand on how nice a guy he is, but our good Charles wants to be a real physicist, Casseia. Hes applied to be a subject for enhancement research.

So? Its the pro thing. Even Majumdar accepts it.